What Is Fictionary? It's a clever word coined by my blogging buddy, Kylie, over at The Life of Kylie, that refers to new words, phrases, or new definitions for existing words or phrases - often punny in nature - created by people like me who have way too much time on their hands. What's more, she's… Continue reading Fictionary: Preventing The Extinction Of My Muffin Top
Procrastination in the Form of a Cat Poem
Take that, Emily Dickinson!
Is That The Bog Of Eternal Stench Or Your Face?
The other night, a small, erm, blemish appeared on my chin. Miss Snarky Pants does not get (shiver) pimples, but sometimes she talks about herself in third person, which is equally creepy. Fortunately, all superhero bloggers have their gear - and so do I. Just as Wonder Woman used her golden lasso to extract the… Continue reading Is That The Bog Of Eternal Stench Or Your Face?
The Church Of Vegan-Lite
If being a vegan is akin to belonging to a particular religion, then I must be Catholic-Lite Episcopalian. What? you say. Vegans are nothing like Episcopalians; they're militant, strict, judgmental - and they're anxious to convert carnivores. Rather, vegans are the epitome of dogmatic zealots, much like the speaking-in-tongues, snake-handling, Born Again, fire and brimstone Charismatics that pepper… Continue reading The Church Of Vegan-Lite
My Mortal Enemy: The Elusive Chin Up
You know your workout isn't off to a great start when your husband challenges you to do a chin up and you immediately wonder, "Which chin?" Hey, it's a serious question. Do I need to pull all of my body weight up towards a metal rod of random height and merely touch the tip of… Continue reading My Mortal Enemy: The Elusive Chin Up
Jon Stewart Called Stephen Colbert A What?!?
Every once in awhile, Karma smiles down upon you and grants you the opportunity of a lifetime. In my case, her gift was two tickets for a taping of The Daily Show in Tampa, Florida during the Republican National Convention. Now, some of you may be snickering or rolling your eyes because you're complete and utter morons I… Continue reading Jon Stewart Called Stephen Colbert A What?!?
Headlines From The Fluffington Post
I enjoy reading The Huffington Post. It delivers my news in the crunchy-granola, tree-hugging, Obama-loving, non-homophobic, NPR-listening, organically-grown, Jon Stewart-worshiping, ballet-flat wearing format that makes me feel happy, informed and secure. If The Huff Post editors eat meat, I'm sure they feel guilty about it later. For years now, reading my news online delivered me from the hell… Continue reading Headlines From The Fluffington Post
Salt Is The Spice Of Life And Other Tales Of Chef-Induced Woe
Thomas Edison legendarily tested potential employees by inviting them to dinner. If they sprinkled salt on their food before tasting it, he refused to hire them, viewing their thoughtless salting as a sign that their preconceived mindset would prevent them from analyzing a situation thoroughly before taking action. To be fair, this method of eliminating… Continue reading Salt Is The Spice Of Life And Other Tales Of Chef-Induced Woe
Award Posts Make Me Want To Become A Ward Of The State Penitentiary
I'm a terrible person. If Jennifer Aniston had married me (which would have been creepy because she doesn't have a penis), when we finally divorced and I posed for photos with Angelina Jolie (not nearly as creepy because I'm pretty sure she does have a penis), she would have told the press in that whiny… Continue reading Award Posts Make Me Want To Become A Ward Of The State Penitentiary
The Short, Sad Life of Vibrator Girl
I don't recall how the discussion of vibrators arose. Only that it came up while I was riding home on a sweltering school bus filled to the gills with students of every age - as is often the case with private, parochial schools. A popular, older boy named Jerry mentioned that someone had a vibrator… Continue reading The Short, Sad Life of Vibrator Girl