I'm a terrible person. If Jennifer Aniston had married me (which would have been creepy because she doesn't have a penis), when we finally divorced and I posed for photos with Angelina Jolie (not nearly as creepy because I'm pretty sure she does have a penis), she would have told the press in that whiny… Continue reading Award Posts Make Me Want To Become A Ward Of The State Penitentiary
Tag: musings
The Short, Sad Life of Vibrator Girl
I don't recall how the discussion of vibrators arose. Only that it came up while I was riding home on a sweltering school bus filled to the gills with students of every age - as is often the case with private, parochial schools. A popular, older boy named Jerry mentioned that someone had a vibrator… Continue reading The Short, Sad Life of Vibrator Girl
You Can’t Fix Stupid
ignorant: (adj) lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated stupid: (adj) lacking intelligence or common sense; can't be fixed dumb-ass: (adj) see stupid - Oxford Dictionary A couple of weeks ago, while celebrating my 1,000th subscriber, I hosted a contest in which my readers could post topics for me to write about. Though many intriguing suggestions were submitted, the… Continue reading You Can’t Fix Stupid
Part Deux – Yoga Is Not A Character In Star Wars
This is Part II of my two-part post, Yoga Is Not A Character In Star Wars. If you haven't read Part I of this series, click here now. Or what? I'll kick you, that's what! *** When I saw my reflection in the plate glass window of the lawyer’s office, I immediately knew that I… Continue reading Part Deux – Yoga Is Not A Character In Star Wars
A Thousand People Can’t Be Wrong – A Contest For My Followers
Dear Followers of My Paltry Meanderings: As some of you may know, last week I hit a bit of a milestone. And not with my car. That was a wall and it's really just a tiny scratch. I always thought four doors on a car was a bit bourgeois anyway. No, as of last week, over… Continue reading A Thousand People Can’t Be Wrong – A Contest For My Followers
Yoga Is Not A Character In Star Wars
I’m not a cool yoga chick, a.k.a. CYC. You know, the kind you see wandering into a locally-owned coffee shop (CYCs don’t support corporations and, thus, boycott Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts) still wearing her yoga pants and skin tight tank top, her hair swept up into an untidy knot on top of her head that… Continue reading Yoga Is Not A Character In Star Wars
The 11th Reason Why David Sedaris Won’t Marry Me
If you've read my previous post listing the 10 reasons why David Sedaris, the uber-talented writer and humorist, won't marry me, you'll be interested to know that tonight I met the object of my affection in person...and proposed. Okay, I halfheartedly suggested that he enter into marital bliss with me, knowing full well that our… Continue reading The 11th Reason Why David Sedaris Won’t Marry Me
The Bitch Is Back…And Shinier
So the other day, I got a black eye. The first one I’ve had since I was ten years old. In 5th grade, I made the grave mistake of standing too close to an exit door at school. It was one of those enormous, heavy duty numbers with the long, horizontal bar across the inside… Continue reading The Bitch Is Back…And Shinier
40 Reasons Why Cats Are Better Than Kids
When I met my husband over eight years ago, we each had two cats - mine were female and his were male. We fell in love and, upon combining our households, became the feline version of the Brady Bunch - except I had slightly better hair than Carol Brady and our backyard wasn't covered in… Continue reading 40 Reasons Why Cats Are Better Than Kids
Nice People: Driving Mankind To Extinction
We’re all taught to be nice to others. To treat people as we would like to be treated. Bumper stickers proclaim “Mean People Suck” and "Mean People Are Mean." And while not terribly eloquent and apparently created by four year olds, their message is dead-on accurate. Mean people suck. But without them, humanity will wither… Continue reading Nice People: Driving Mankind To Extinction
Funnier In Writing 