That's the thing about dolphins. If they don't like you, you must suck as a human being. Seriously suck. Dolphins have been known to protect complete strangers - of another species, no less - from sharks. Makes you wonder if dolphins didn't like some of the people who didn't make it. Maybe they just hung… Continue reading The Funny Thing About Dolphins
A few years ago, a woman proudly posted on social media that she had participated in a 36-Car-Long Pay It Foward Chain at a Chick-Fil-A in Tampa, Florida. At the time, I remember thinking, "Well, I guess that's nice." After all, when you use the phrase "Pay It Forward," in relation to anything, it brings… Continue reading When Paying It Forward FAILS
MSP News - In a shocking break with 24-hour news channel protocol, MSNBC reported on the capture of Paris terror suspect Salah Abdeslam. An actual story, not a moving ticker tape along the bottom of the screen. Live coverage with Richard Engel. The word Trump wasn't uttered for over 34 minutes in a row. Calls… Continue reading MSNBC Covered Actual News Today. Trump Baffled.
Just Four Friggin' Lines is a daily, weekly, completely random series for people who have the attention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer's. People who have to cram their verse in between tweezing and waxing. Or mowing, as the case may be. There's no judgment here; after all, it's Just Four Friggin' Lines. You, your monobrow,… Continue reading Just Four Friggin’ Lines #8
Now, what size did you want that frappuccino?
1. If one is the loneliest number, I suspect seven is Homecoming Queen. 3.14159265359 is Most Likely to Be Irrational and Transcendental. And sixty-nine is annoyed that she is illegal in Washington, D.C. 2. Ever wonder if Jesus might have just been a really good magician? Thank you, my disciples. Now for my next trick, I shall… Continue reading 10 Random Things I Thought About Today
FT. LEE, NJ - Copies of personal emails between Chris Christie and his former Deputy Chief of Staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, were released to several media outlets today, in which the Governor directs Kelly to "f*ck [sic] with that black kid, the one from the rally," now identified as Ft. Lee second grader, Nate Hoffman. "Plant… Continue reading Christie’s Bridgegate Target Revealed To Be Ft. Lee Child
Thanks to the across-the-board nightmare the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics have been thus far, I realized there was a secondary irony in the rainbow-colored Olympic rings - one that didn't exist until the games were held in a country that has recently restricted some of the most important aspects of Russian LGBTQ people's lives. In… Continue reading Putin, Sochi, Rainbows and Unicorn Sh*t
It's true. I've denied it for years, not because I was ashamed of being a hypochondriac, but because I didn't think the word applied to me. Why? Miss Snarky Pants, with all of her books, her degrees, her 4-year reign as FCS's Spelling Bee Champion - don't be a hater! - never bothered to look up… Continue reading Holy Diarrhea! I’m A Hypochondriac
The definition of wit arose in a discussion I had the other night over beer and hamburgers. As a general rule, I’m against wit when meat, cheese and hops are involved as the effort is rarely remembered the following day since the recipients of the wit are either still stewing in a cholesterol-induced brain swell or… Continue reading Why I Hate Witty People