While discussing the topic of dishonesty with a friend who chronicles the unbelievably funny and charming things her toddler, Alice, says in the course of everyday life in her brilliant and wonderfully concise blog, the book of alice, the topic of first lies (not first lays, you pervs!) arose. Of course, there are two kinds… Continue reading My First Grade Judas Kiss
I am a sucker for a bargain. Every week, I hit the BOGOs (Buy One Get One Free deals – though they really should be called BOGOFs, considering the free portion of the deal is the most important) at my local grocery store, stocking up on olive oil, tea bags, lactose-free vanilla ice cream and… Continue reading Salman Rushdie Will Never Write For Cosmo
As I open the condo door, I immediately notice that the space is flooded in darkness. One arm outstretched to prevent my clients from entering the unit and breaking something that would best remain unbroken, I feel around blindly with my left hand, my fingers searching the wall for the light switch. Click. A vintage… Continue reading I Love The Smell Of Napalm In The Condo (Or How I Farted And Got Away With It)
When I met my husband over eight years ago, we each had two cats - mine were female and his were male. We fell in love and, upon combining our households, became the feline version of the Brady Bunch - except I had slightly better hair than Carol Brady and our backyard wasn't covered in… Continue reading 40 Reasons Why Cats Are Better Than Kids
Dear Old CootsSnowbirds, As a full-time resident of the Sunshine State, I am heavily-medicated due to tolerate your presence for four to five months out of each and every year. During your visits to my hometown, I strive to be patient and even welcoming. After all, you bring with you a collection of used, wadded up tissues… Continue reading Open Letter To Florida’s Snowbirds
We’re all taught to be nice to others. To treat people as we would like to be treated. Bumper stickers proclaim “Mean People Suck” and "Mean People Are Mean." And while not terribly eloquent and apparently created by four year olds, their message is dead-on accurate. Mean people suck. But without them, humanity will wither… Continue reading Nice People: Driving Mankind To Extinction
As with all As Seen On TV! products, I was blown away by the revolutionary new baking craze that is sweeping the nation. Bake Pops. Yes, I know. It’s mind-blowing. Cake on a stick. ON A STICK! Certainly, a nuclear physicist or Nobel winning scientist was behind this invention. What are Bake Pops, you ask?… Continue reading Cake? You’ll Poke Your Eye Out, Kid!
This will be my shortest post ever. Except for Savannah Glasses - which I won't even provide a link for because it's just a photo and an excuse for not writing. Why so short? It's very late. I'm extremely tired. I'm not funny when I'm sleepy. Actually, I am funny, but it's because I snore… Continue reading Seven More Things? Really?
While I was studying poetry in college, I was forced to write a sonnet. Forced, you say? Was a gun held to my head? Did a professor surreptitiously slip a pinless grenade into my palm, step back cautiously and demand, "Write the damned sonnet!" No, but my instructor did string my GPA up by the… Continue reading The World’s Worst Sonnet About A Dead Dog Ever