That's the thing about dolphins. If they don't like you, you must suck as a human being. Seriously suck. Dolphins have been known to protect complete strangers - of another species, no less - from sharks. Makes you wonder if dolphins didn't like some of the people who didn't make it. Maybe they just hung… Continue reading The Funny Thing About Dolphins
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That Time I Almost Was Dexter
Now, what size did you want that frappuccino?
Queer-Eye for the Straight Girl
Meet Judy Smith. She is one of my blogging buddies who has become very dear to me because of her warmth, humor, kindness, generosity and optimism. I consider her a real, true friend, and I’m so excited that she is branching out in her writing in a wonderful, creative and sassy way that is hilarious and uplifting, without being saccharine and nauseating. I plan to follow along and find out what happens, so take this journey with me….
Alex, I’ll take “PARTIES” for a hundred, please.
Here we go … Every woman’s response to “We’re having a party.”
Mashes the buzzer! … What is “I have nothing to wear?”
Casino Night is looming on the horizon, a dress-up affair at Abe & Jake’s Landing, significant because friends are hosting and it will potentially benefit other friends. I’m slated to give a speech but I have NOTHING TO WEAR so I’m not too pumped about the whole thing.
Enter my friends Adam and Seth, armed with knowledge from every episode of What Not to Wear, Project Runway, their own impeccable taste, et.al. A shopping date is set for the following week, beginning with a lunch of salad and wine. Thus fortified we hit the stores, fearless and ready to incite terror on both sides of the street. A saleswoman whispers to me early on, “These guys are making me nervous.”
THESE guys? You mean the ones who are giving you…
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And You Thought Aaron Alexis Was Crazy
Two weeks ago, another senseless mass shooting occurred in the U.S. The perpetrator, Aaron Alexis, stole twelve American lives (in addition to his own), injured another eight, and decimated most of what remained of the fragile hope I carried in my heart. The hope that this attack would be the one that removes semi-automatic and… Continue reading And You Thought Aaron Alexis Was Crazy
Procrastination in the Form of a Cat Poem
Take that, Emily Dickinson!
The recently Freshly Pressed (yes, for the SECOND time) Kitchen Slattern kindly interviewed me for her new blog feature: The Slattern’s Mind Probe. As usual, I had to crawl out of the gutter to answer her insightful questions. Okay, I didn’t manage to make it entirely out of the gutter. Anyway, enjoy and show my dear blogging buddy, The Kitchen Slattern, some blog lovin’ when you’re done.
There’s nothing like a good secret police interrogation. Or is there? Now, you’ve no doubt perused Vanity Fair’s Proust Questionnaire, and have probably enjoyed Heidi Ellis’s The Early Bird Catches the SPaM feature. In truth, there isn’t anything new about the interview-as-blog-post format, but what the hey, I’m going to do it anyway. So even if The Slattern’s Mind Probe is not entirely innovative as a concept, what it lacks in originality, it will certainly more than make up for in quality by giving you the chance to peek inside some of the most interesting and funny brains I’ve had the pleasure to encounter since first sending up this little emotional distress signal one year ago.
My first guest is the fabulous Cristy Carrington Lewis, aka Miss Snarky Pants, my oldest blogging buddy and soulmate in snark. The Alt Mrs. Sedaris is a recovering lawyer and newbie vegan…
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Reggie Reader Profile #8 (Don’t Call It A Blogroll.)
The Amazing Blog Goddess of the Universe, Sweet Mother, dedicated today’s post to praising my Paltry Meanderings blog. The Amazon Amaze-balls Blogger Whom I Most Admire is waxing sentimental about my writing?????? What’s next? Is David Sedaris going to show up at my door with an engagement ring? Is Aaron Sorkin going to beg me to join the writing staff for the second season of The Newsroom? Is bacon going to be declared vegan because pigs spend so much time with their noses in the mud?
Please read, share and send Sweet Mother every bit of blog love you have. And if you aren’t reading her blog and think you’re too busy to do so, you’re wrong. Brushing your teeth two to three times a day is just a suggestion, not a friggin’ law. Sleeping – you can sleep when you’re dead (or when both Sweet Mother and I am dead and no longer blogging). Sex – ha! You weren’t having sex. Stop being silly. Immediately follow Sweet Mother, then report back to me and tell me how fucking awesome she is! Or how awesome I am. Or how awesome David Sedaris is. Even two out of three would be good.
Oh, it’s been a cruel, cruel summer. I started this blog out with such a fervor. I was in a frenzy. I was frackin’ dedicated. I’m still dedicated, but I’ve got the wahs and the blahs. If this long, hot, cruel, summer doesn’t end soon, I fear I’ll have nothing left to write about, but paper bags. Don’t think I won’t do it? I will. Heck, I could talk about the plastic bag right now… Did you know the sanitation departments of America often refer to plastic bags as, “Satan’s resin” because they never feckin’ break down? Did you know that Los Angeles has nearly outlawed the plastic bag? I have a joke for that and it goes:
Los Angeles has outlawed the plastic bag. You have no idea how funny it is to watch Tom Cruise pick up dog poop with a bev nap and a pair of…
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Setting The Snark Aside
Last night I started writing a post about my maternal grandfather, whom I called Grandpa. A nostalgic sort, I tend to sometimes dwell in my memories and the stories told to me by my family. Those places that are sepia-toned and a bit soft around the edges. Tales in which truth and embellishment have become… Continue reading Setting The Snark Aside
Bath Salts Made Me Eat Your Face
Remember when bath salts made your skin soft and smell faintly of something like lavender? Remember when the worst thing that could come as a result of using bath salts was a UTI? Remember when bath salts were merely part of one of those crappy, bath product gift baskets you bought your great Aunt Edna… Continue reading Bath Salts Made Me Eat Your Face
You Can’t Fix Stupid
ignorant: (adj) lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated stupid: (adj) lacking intelligence or common sense; can't be fixed dumb-ass: (adj) see stupid - Oxford Dictionary A couple of weeks ago, while celebrating my 1,000th subscriber, I hosted a contest in which my readers could post topics for me to write about. Though many intriguing suggestions were submitted, the… Continue reading You Can’t Fix Stupid
Funnier In Writing 