Now, what size did you want that frappuccino?
1. If one is the loneliest number, I suspect seven is Homecoming Queen. 3.14159265359 is Most Likely to Be Irrational and Transcendental. And sixty-nine is annoyed that she is illegal in Washington, D.C. 2. Ever wonder if Jesus might have just been a really good magician? Thank you, my disciples. Now for my next trick, I shall… Continue reading 10 Random Things I Thought About Today
I now have this thing called a waist. I know; I had to look it up, too. Apparently, this phenomena occurs when deposits of fat suddenly disappear like Christians before Armageddon, leaving you with two curved dents between your lower ribs and hip bones. Having only observed this waist thingie from afar, I've always likened it to… Continue reading A Waist Is Born
A Stupid Butterfly Poem Clipped between pane and screen, two monarch wings form wicked angles, dusted with the world that passed since they last beat beat beat beat beat beat beat beat. Against the brittle, grating mesh. Against the July-baked glass. How was this wind-buoyed wisp caged, walled, black legs… Continue reading A Stupid Butterfly Poem
First, it was women. Children. Now kittens? Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher whose armed protesters recently forced U.S. Bureau of Land Management agents to withdraw during an attempt to herd and impound Bundy's cattle, which are illegally grazing on federally-protected lands, has come up with a new tactic to deter future attempts by agents: newborn… Continue reading Bundy Protesters To Use Kittens On Front Line
FT. LEE, NJ - Copies of personal emails between Chris Christie and his former Deputy Chief of Staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, were released to several media outlets today, in which the Governor directs Kelly to "f*ck [sic] with that black kid, the one from the rally," now identified as Ft. Lee second grader, Nate Hoffman. "Plant… Continue reading Christie’s Bridgegate Target Revealed To Be Ft. Lee Child
This is a real ad that appeared on my Facebook page today. Yes, that appears to be a turd. Specifically, the turd of someone who likes peanuts. Upon seeing it, I immediately thought to myself, "I have to share this with my readers." You're probably wondering what that says about you, right about now. Don't… Continue reading Lose Weight By Taking A Sh*t. Seriously?
Thanks to the across-the-board nightmare the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics have been thus far, I realized there was a secondary irony in the rainbow-colored Olympic rings - one that didn't exist until the games were held in a country that has recently restricted some of the most important aspects of Russian LGBTQ people's lives. In… Continue reading Putin, Sochi, Rainbows and Unicorn Sh*t
NEW YORK CITY (The Snarky Pants Press) - A second pop star in as many months has secretly dropped a single on iTunes today. Cry for Help, is the first single to be released from Justin Bieber's forthcoming album, Someone Reign Me In Before I Turn Into Leif Garrett. When asked if Def Jam decided to covertly… Continue reading Justin Bieber Secretly Drops New Single, “Cry for Help”
It's true. I've denied it for years, not because I was ashamed of being a hypochondriac, but because I didn't think the word applied to me. Why? Miss Snarky Pants, with all of her books, her degrees, her 4-year reign as FCS's Spelling Bee Champion - don't be a hater! - never bothered to look up… Continue reading Holy Diarrhea! I’m A Hypochondriac