If you'd like to read the R-rated version of this post (the one without all the f**cking asterisks), click here. As a person who studied literature and writing, I’m troubled by our rampant and incorrect usage of profanity. To be clear, I don’t give a s**t if people cuss, but it’s critical to the further… Continue reading I Don’t/Couldn’t/Wouldn’t Give A S**t/Flying F**k/ Rat’s A**/Damn (PG-Rated Version)
10 Reasons Why David Sedaris Won’t Marry Me
So the inevitable factoid finally came up: Gay marriage is legal in New York, and yet David Sedaris still won’t marry me. Why? I’m perfectly nice, reasonably intelligent and can type more than 60 words a minute. I also make a mean rosemary roasted chicken and don’t need to refer to directions in order to… Continue reading 10 Reasons Why David Sedaris Won’t Marry Me
Salman Rushdie Will Never Write For Cosmo
I am a sucker for a bargain. Every week, I hit the BOGOs (Buy One Get One Free deals – though they really should be called BOGOFs, considering the free portion of the deal is the most important) at my local grocery store, stocking up on olive oil, tea bags, lactose-free vanilla ice cream and… Continue reading Salman Rushdie Will Never Write For Cosmo
Saving Simone From Hellfire And Brimstone
In Miami, it’s practically impossible to grow up surrounded by anything but diversity. My family moved there when I was six, but I first discovered I wasn’t in Kansas (okay, Sarasota) anymore when I noticed that many of our neighbors in our new apartment complex had nailed skinny, metal plates with strange lettering painted on… Continue reading Saving Simone From Hellfire And Brimstone
Open Letter To Florida’s Snowbirds
Dear Old CootsSnowbirds, As a full-time resident of the Sunshine State, I am heavily-medicated due to tolerate your presence for four to five months out of each and every year. During your visits to my hometown, I strive to be patient and even welcoming. After all, you bring with you a collection of used, wadded up tissues… Continue reading Open Letter To Florida’s Snowbirds
Words That Rhyme With Orange
Nice People: Driving Mankind To Extinction
We’re all taught to be nice to others. To treat people as we would like to be treated. Bumper stickers proclaim “Mean People Suck” and "Mean People Are Mean." And while not terribly eloquent and apparently created by four year olds, their message is dead-on accurate. Mean people suck. But without them, humanity will wither… Continue reading Nice People: Driving Mankind To Extinction
Cake? You’ll Poke Your Eye Out, Kid!
As with all As Seen On TV! products, I was blown away by the revolutionary new baking craze that is sweeping the nation. Bake Pops. Yes, I know. It’s mind-blowing. Cake on a stick. ON A STICK! Certainly, a nuclear physicist or Nobel winning scientist was behind this invention. What are Bake Pops, you ask?… Continue reading Cake? You’ll Poke Your Eye Out, Kid!
Seven More Things? Really?
This will be my shortest post ever. Except for Savannah Glasses - which I won't even provide a link for because it's just a photo and an excuse for not writing. Why so short? It's very late. I'm extremely tired. I'm not funny when I'm sleepy. Actually, I am funny, but it's because I snore… Continue reading Seven More Things? Really?
How Polly Flinders Ruined My Life
I was a private school kid. Before you go there, I wasn’t that kind of private school kid. There were no limousines or drivers or designer bags or ivy-covered walls or disheveled teachers in tweed who lived onsite and inspired me to seize the day. In fact, I was a scholarship kid – which meant… Continue reading How Polly Flinders Ruined My Life