Humor · Marijuana · Politics

8 Common Things Much More Deadly Than Marijuana

Marijuana: I'm Not The Monster You Think I Am!
Marijuana: I’m Not The Monster You Think I Am!

One by one, as states legalize medical marijuana and/or decriminalize the possession of weed, more and more studies are being conducted and published which support the argument that pot is the very least of our worries, particularly when compared to the scions of legal addiction: alcohol, tobacco and Game of Thrones. In fact, a recent study published in Scientific Reports found that alcohol, in particular, is more lethal than heroin, cocaine, MDMA and crystal meth. This doesn’t mean you should stock up on Sudafed, don your Walter White hat and whip up a batch of Blue Sky. Meth still makes you look like this:

While Less Deadly Than Alcohol, Crystal Meth Won't Land You A Skincare Contract
Crystal Meth Won’t Land You A Skincare Contract

However, you may want to consider a move to, oh, I don’t know, Denver. Why? Because in states like Chillin’ Colorado and Wasted Washington, both of which legalized the recreational use of cannabis in 2014, the crime rates have plummeted; in fact, Denver has seen violent crimes like homicide, rape and assault steadily decline since Colorado legalized marijuana and not a single case of “reefer madness” has yet to be diagnosed. Nor have the residents of the country’s thinnest state been overcome by the munchies and succumbed to double digit dress sizes. What has increased is Colorado’s tax revenue – to the tune of $53 million in less than a year.

Alcohol, the big winner when it comes to killing its users, causes approximately 88,000 deaths per year in the U.S. alone. Tobacco use buries another 48,000 Americans every year. Weed, on the other hand, is only responsible for…well, no documented deaths. Ever. Zero. Zip. Nada. Nein. In fact, a 1998 DEA report states that the lethal dose of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, is between 20,000 and 40,000 times the amount of THC contained your average joint. There are much easier ways to kill yourself. Snoop Dogg smokes a self-professed “81 blunts a day” and he’s still here. Physically, anyway.

So if weed isn’t the problem, with its non-existent death rate and low addiction potential – only 4% to 9% of users may become dependent vs. 15% of Happy Hour fans – what is? What seemingly harmless activities or possessions lurk in your life, lulling you into a sense of security, only to kill you when you least expect it?

1. Bed sheets

In 2009, 717 people died in the U.S. after being strangled by their bed sheets while they slept. Terrifying, huh? It is until you consider that, the year before, over 800 people in the U.S. were murdered by their bed linens. No word on if the suspect bed sheets were of a lower thread count or merely infused with the rage that comes with being left unmade for days at a time. These numbers also don’t take into account those who have been killed by someone wearing a bed sheet – as a hood.

2. Fishing boats

For those who brazenly partake in the act of angling while in a fishing boat, playing Captain Ahab could be a deadly pursuit. With 108 deaths attributed to drowning after falling overboard between 1999 and 2010, those who endeavor to catch Moby Dick might consider donning a life jacket, learning to swim, or, smartest of all, engaging in a safer hobby like, say, selling sketches of Mohammed in Texas. The worst part about the menace that are fishing boats is that you don’t even have to be fishing. You could be a hapless passenger, vomiting up chum for God-knows-what swimming in the depths below you, and fall over the side of the boat because of these unpredictable, bumpy things called waves.

Hence the mantra: A bad day fishing is better than a good day working. Unless you drown. In which case, a bad day binge-watching House of Cards is better than a good day working.

3. Wheelchairs

I know, I know. It’s not fair to include wheelchairs when many of their owners aren’t just knocking at Death’s door, but are complaining that there isn’t a ramp leading up to it. However, I’m not talking about people who die in their wheelchairs, but as a direct result of falling out of their wheelchairs, and the numbers are pandemic-worthy. With wheelchairs slaughtering their owners at a rate of over 4,000 per year in the U.S. alone, it’s surprising that wheelchair seat belts and airbags aren’t required by law. Hell, the wheelchair-bound would be better off scooting around in Smart cars; at least they’re kitten-licking-a-sleeping-dog-cute and come with air conditioning. And considering Smart cars don’t even make the Top Ten Cars Most Likely To Kill You List, they’re a much safer, albeit obviously hipster, alternative. Grow a beard and start drinking craft beer, Grandpa.

4. Televisions

With flat panel televisions exponentially increasing in size every few months and dominating American living rooms like monobrowed moais on Easter Island, it’s not surprising to discover they often tip and fall over, particularly if you’re raising a budding gymnast, own a cat, or your husband didn’t know what to do with all those “extra screws” that came with the wall mount kit. Despite the pervasive belief that “TV rots your brain,” the 215 folks who were killed by boob tubes between 2000 and 2011 didn’t kick the bucket as a result of cerebral deterioration caused by binge-watching too many episodes of House of Cards (when they should have been working)but were, for the most part, flattened by their idiot boxes, which, as it turns out, were aptly named.

TV Safety Strap - This Is A Real Thing For A Reason: No Matter What They Say, Your Tots Don't Really Want To Be Flat Stanley.
No Matter What They Say, Your Tots Don’t Really Want To Be Flat Stanley.

 

5. Your Feet

When tripping is involved, LSD needn’t be. In fact, your feet are usually the guilty culprits, if not conspirators with uneven sidewalks and yappy dogs on leashes. Statistics indicate that a whopping 7,160 deaths are attributed to people toppling over their own feet. Perhaps your feet have it out for you, ladies – you who insist on squeezing your bunioned toes into pointy stilettos and trotting around like Lipizzan stallions, all while complaining that your feet are killing you. Can you blame your Louboutins for living up to the nasty reputation you’ve spread about them? Bitches, the red on those soles ain’t paint – it’s your blood.

Note to self: Buy some Birkenstocks, get a pedicure and tell my toesies woesies how much I love them.

6. Cows

Twenty Americans are moodered by bovines each year, but let’s not milk this statistic to death. Cows are large, sturdy and, apparently, udderly dense, animals. In fact, an adult cow can weigh more than two sides of beef. There’s a reason no one goes cow tipping alone. It’s a three frat boy job, easy. And, sometimes, those drunken, beefed-up collegiates confuse the words push and pull. And left and right. And yes and get off of me, you scumbag!

And if you’re thinking, “Wait, I’m smarter than a frat boy. Cows only kill trashed young men with privileged backgrounds and a fondness for beer pong and Greek letters,” you’re wrong. In 2013, a Brazilian man was killed when a cow wandered onto the roof of his home, courtesy of an adjacent steep hill, causing the roof to collapse. Clarabelle plummeted eight feet onto the sleeping Joao Maria de Souza, who later died of internal injuries. Neither de Souza’s wife, who was in bed next to him, nor the cow, sustained any harm.

7. Icicles

Approximately 15 people are killed – and thousands injured – each year by falling icicles. Ever open your crowded freezer, only to have a package of frozen chicken breasts slip out and land on your bare foot? If you have, you know from that point forward, chicken breasts will be forever known in the future as Motherclucker! If you haven’t, you either have an incredibly well-organized freezer or your feet are always encased in steel-toed combat boots. Now imagine that the chicken weighs up to a hundred pounds or more, is falling from a tremendous height and is shaped like a dagger. Oh, and there’s an entire row of these frozen bayonets and they’re all pointed at your skull. I suggest a helmet or a move to Florida.

If you insist on remaining in the Land of Sharp, Dangling Objects, be careful around those little fuckers. They’ll poke your eye out, kid.

"Icicles will poke your eye out, kid!"
“Icicles will poke your eye out, kid!”

8. Lawnmowers

Southwestern Vermont Healthcare thinks lawnmowers are so dangerous, they dedicated an entire web page to an article entitled, Cutting the Lawn: Don’t Become An Injury Statistic. The piece, written by an orthopedic physician, cites an average of 75 deaths attributed to the Spinning Blades of Death on Wheels each year. Apparently, lawnmower blades rotate with the force of a .357 magnum. What’s more, those blades won’t just eat through your bones like butter, they’ll leave a lot of bacteria-laden crap behind: dirt, grass, insect parts, and some gum I dropped. Yes, save a couple seats at the hospital bar for E. coli and salmonella.

Major league pitchers look like wusses when compared to a lawnmower, which can shoot debris like stones, twigs, and dried dog poop at speeds of up to 200 m.p.h. Considering the fastest pitchers clock in at around half that speed, I’d say it’s best to go inside while Hubby’s cutting the grass. Someone’s gotta be there for the children.

Worse is that approximately 800 kids get mowed down every year. Again, another good reason to allow your children to become addicted to cable television (just don’t let ’em sit too close to that wobbly telly). Outside is dangerous. For those of you who have combed your yard for potential projectiles and locked the kiddies in their rooms, don’t get too comfortable. Remember, lawnmowers are filled with gasoline. They can randomly overheat and explode. Now go inside and start dialing lawn services – like any sane person.

That Said…

While new studies indicate a promising future for the use of cannabis in treating myriad diseases and health conditions – the NIH has already patented cannabinoids as potential neuroprotectants – one thing is relatively certain: Marijuana + Adolescent Brains = One Hot Mess. Studies suggest that regular marijuana use prior to one’s 21rst year can permanently affect brain development, impacting memory, impulse control, balance and coordination. Yes, marijuana can affect a growing boy’s Legend of Zelda score – and not in a good way. What’s more, teens who regularly hang with Mary Jane may see up to an 8 point drop in their I.Q. Forever. Yes, pot can also make you stupid. So, kids, if you’re reading this, wait until you’re 21. As Forrest Gump would say, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

And let’s face it, some of you can’t afford to get any dumber.

***

Miss Snarky Pants is a humor and satire blog. And no, I don’t sell weed, so no creepy comments asking if I can score you some wicked herb. Okay?

56 thoughts on “8 Common Things Much More Deadly Than Marijuana

  1. I’m glad you added the caveat at the end, because given my background in pediatrics, the effects of legalization of marijuana on adolescents is always first and foremost in my mind. Occupational hazard, I guess. Time will tell if these states have more adolescent users on their hands after legalization. Hopefully parents are doing their part and maintaining a vigilant eye.

    Bed sheets. Go figure. I know sleeping with infants is a huge hazard, but I didn’t realize bed sheets went all homicidal on adults as well. Glad I’m a twist-free sleeper…

    Wonderfully written with brilliant wit as always!

      1. You’ve convinced me, sister! I’m gonna take my king sized Percales out in the yard and run them over with the Toro mulching mower, and let them fight it out.

  2. And to think that back in 1977 I faced 7 to 12 for growing 13 plants in Colorado and know I would be just a regular guy

  3. Excellent commentary. Your facts are fun and that’s tough to pull off and no, I’m not going to do a fact check on you [Hopefully I’m above that]. In the future, if you have a day when you don’t have Just Four Friggin’ Lines, this is worthy of a reblog! If Arkansas gets Marijuana back on the ballot, I’ll come looking for the right to use your work in campaign material [with credits of course].

    1. Yes, my facts are based on actual numbers. I’m funny that way. How flattering that you’d consider using this in your campaign material! Any way I can help. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂

      1. I was shocked we didn’t win this time around; I really thought we had enough support. We did get medical marijuana specifically for children with seizure syndromes, but I hope it will the win for broader medical use at the very least. There are a lot of people suffering, addicted to pills, who don’t need to be. My 93-year old neighbor, who’s only been drunk once in his entire life and has never been high, is for medical marijuana. He cared for his wife of many years until she passed, and witnessed, firsthand, her excruciating pain, for years. He wishes she’d had access to it. I think this will ultimately be something that both the young (who shouldn’t be smoking it until age 21, anyway) and the old can agree upon.

  4. Are you being paid for this yet? If Ariana Huffington can do then for the love of God, surely you can get your due for your hilarious efforts (and by due I mean cash). Have you thought of expanding your efforts in the area of vlogging? It’s what all the kids are doing these day.

    PS – how much for a gram?

    1. Bwhaahaahaa. I’m focusing my efforts on finishing my book revision and submitting it to agents. But yes, I’d like my “due” and in cash would be even better. Vlogging involves me being on camera and I’m afraid I’m allergic.

  5. I was sure I’d read something about Hillary having influence in Arkansas should she win the election. I didn’t comment when I read the original as I was on my iPad and my typing is too slow for my satisfaction.
    I don’t have a problem with the Clinton Culture; the Republicans of Arkansas aren’t about to let anyone forget Bill’s transgressions. What his social behavior has to do with Hillary’s ability is far beyond my understanding. If Bill had been the CEO of a multi-national company at the time, no one would have said a word! Frankly, I don’t care what someone does in their private time unless they are harming another individual. People argue with me for hours or until I tell them to go away. Their take is that because I worked within the confines of law and order I should be able to ‘see the error in my thinking.’
    Your research is some of the freshest I’ve seen. Have you tried for publication? I’d love to see you reach mass publication and not just us in the blogging world.
    I’ll always continue the fight for the legalization of marijuana. I know it takes care of the nerve pain in my right hand and arm going up to my shoulder. I refuse narcotics.

    1. I’m glad to hear you’re going the non-narcotic route, Sheri. So much healthier way to go. I’ve been published in regional magazines and I’ve thought about submitting to online mags, but my two passions are really David Sedaris-style humorous essays and Young Adult Fiction. I’m finishing up an edit on my first YA novel and I’ll be submitting that to agents soon. Oh, and then I’ll sit around, staring off into the distance and biting my nails, until one of them makes me an offer of representation. Okay, maybe I’ll just start the next book and only worry a teensy tiny bit. Thanks for the encouragement, my friend!

  6. “Just say no” campaigns failed when young people discovered that not all drugs where the same, consequently throwing out the good advice with the bad as a job lot.

    You/they are right about waiting until over 21. I’ve seen that for myself.

    I used to work the “crash tents” at festivals. People who believed, or had been told, that they were addicted to cannabis, were in fact addicted to the nicotine in the joints. That is, give them a ciggy and they were fine.

    Misleading people to control there behaviour was never a good idea. Good post.

    And, more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. 😀

    1. The “Just Say No” campaigns were a failure of the Reagan administration. Previous administrations had begun focusing on mental health and addiction treatment, but Reagan scrapped all that and decided to launch a war on drugs. Cuz that worked out soooooo well. I’m constantly amazed at what people fear; they often misplace their apprehensions without considering whether their fear is proportional to the threat.

      1. If you continue to quote Paula Abdul songs in my Comments section, I will be forced to issue a Cease and Desist letter, Graham. Thank you for leaving me with THAT song in my head. In return, I leave you with this: “Feelings/Nothing more than feelings/Trying to forget my/Feelings of love/Teardrops/Rolling down on my face…” Don’t make me do that again, my friend. Next time, it’ll be Debbie Boone.

      2. I am mortified. I had no idea it was song and who is Paula Abdul anyway. Don’t worry about planting songs in my head, there isn’t enough room.

        The only songs I know are by the Beatles. I’ve got all there classics: The Long and Winding Teapot, Magical Mystery Hat, You Can Drive My Dormouse, Love Love Me Duvet, Polythene Spam, Norwegian Stick, Rubber Stoat, I Want To Hold Your Giblets and many more. That should keep you busy for a bit. 🙂

      3. I’m too nice to introduce you to the music of Paula Abdul; that damn conscience of mine just won’t let me do it. I’m fine with Beatles lyrics, but if you start whipping out Spice Girls’ verse, I will have to draw the line and take away your “Long and Winding Road.”

      1. I’m glad you put them that way, instead of alphabetically. That makes it so hard to read, and I always have some words left over that I save up and use for comments potato blarney vomit albatross squelch.

    1. It’s interesting that you, the non-pothead, is the one throwing threats of violence out there against people. What did a pothead ever do to you? Sounds like a personal problem. If you’re going throw a blanket statement out there, at least have the balls to back it up with some facts. I’ll wait.

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