Humor · Politics

Canada Demands U.S. Build Border Wall

PM Stephen Harper

MSP Press – Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that if Mexico agrees to build a wall along the U.S. southern border, at their own expense, Canada will insist that the United States erect a wall along the its northern border – at the U.S. taxpayer’s expense.

Citing the draw of socialized medicine and lower prescription costs, Canada has long been tormented by ill Americans, sneaking across the border and wooing Canadians into marriage, only to become eligible for free cancer treatments, surgeries and/or pharmaceuticals, all of which are not affordable for many U.S. citizens.

The tension between the two nations reached its highest peak when two convicted murderers escaped prison and were believed to be headed for the Canadian border. One was later arrested only two miles from an unguarded, border crossing. Angered, Prime Minister Harper alleged that America “doesn’t send Canada their best. The U.S. sends us their cheap drug seekers, murderers, gun runners, and tourists who giggle at us every time we say ‘eh.'”

Canada, on the other hand, sends the U.S. friendly, albeit pale, visitors with a strong dollar. Over the years, they’ve stocked the annals of American theater and film with Canucks like Ryan Gosling, Dan Akyroyd, Ryan Reynolds, Rachel McAdams, Seth Rogan and Michael J. Fox, to name just a few. The failure of many of these celebrities to return to Canada after achieving success in the U.S. has long been the cystic acne on the face of U.S/Canadian relations; everyone saw it, but no one talked about it. Until now. “The rampant and illegal migration of Canada’s most talented performers to the United States must be stopped. Ryan Gosling, alone, merits the building of a wall, ” the prime minister continued, “along with a gazing pool.”

In response to Prime Minister Harper’s demands, the White House issued the following statement: “The U.S. has one word for you: Bieber. Build your own damn wall.”

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