Comedy · Humor

10 Random Things I Thought About Today

1964-BYU-Homecoming-Queen 7
Seven: Homecoming Queen, Varsity Cheerleader, Pep Squad and Most Likely to Come After Six

1. If one is the loneliest number, I suspect seven is Homecoming Queen. 3.14159265359 is Most Likely to Be Irrational and Transcendental. And sixty-nine is annoyed that she is illegal in Washington, D.C.

2. Ever wonder if Jesus might have just been a really good magician? Thank you, my disciples. Now for my next trick, I shall turneth thy water into a full-bodied merlot. Or my blood. Just kidding. No, it’s my blood.

3.  Is it just me or does the word “feces” sound like a pharaoh’s name?

4. I miss Pluto. What’s up with these astronomers suddenly downgrading Pluto from planet to dwarf planet. (And yes, I realize this happened in 2006. I’ve been catching up on my reading.) That’s not even PC. Shouldn’t Pluto be referred to as a little people planet? And what about the mnemonic device I used to remember the planets’ names in order? My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine makes no sense without the big finish: Pizzas. Frankly, I think we should all be wearing black and sitting shiva. It’s only been nine years and everyone’s over it, like we weren’t lied to since second grade science class. I blame Neil deGrasse Tyson.

5. Why doesn’t everyone double-knot their laces? I mean, why risk an untied shoe when you don’t have to? Seems like there should be a law.

6. Since snakes come in every color but purple, shouldn’t garden hoses only come in purple? Otherwise, we’re just torturing ourselves every time we walk in our yards and are accosted by garden hoses impersonating snakes.

This snake isn't really purple. Yes, this photo is a big, fat lie.
This snake isn’t really purple. Yes, this photo is a big, fat lie. Just like astronomers everywhere.

7. Maybe people with minimalist, modern homes aren’t classy and restrained, but too strapped for cash to buy chotchkies. And maybe their furniture is comfortable.

8. I’m pretty sure Narnia is located in a snowy section of Central Park. The part with a streetlamp and a backless wardrobe filled with fur coats which are inexplicably never stolen.

9. Schools no longer teach children how to write in cursive. Ha! I know more than a fifth-grader. Finally. But they don’t carry around the pain of losing Pluto.

10. Ten is a lousy random number. Note to self: Next time think of nine or eleven funny random things.

***

Miss Snarky Pants is a humor and satire blog. If you don’t get it, you should move along quietly or be mocked.

31 thoughts on “10 Random Things I Thought About Today

  1. 4. I refuse to recognize Pluto as anything other than a planet. One day my denial will become a fact, and Pluto will be reinstated. Whether I live long enough to see such a wonder happen is anybody’s guess.

    5. I would double-knot my laces if any of my shoes had them. Even so, I always tie them too tightly for my shoes to randomly fly off my feet because I’m paranoid like that.

    6. I would totally buy a purple garden hose. Or, my husband would – purple is kind of his thing.

    Loved this post! Just what I needed to make it through the longest Monday afternoon since last Monday.

  2. You’ve given me so much to ponder. Too bad those SNL folks didn’t have you when they were writing their ‘Deep Thought’ pieces. 😉

    And I’m all for purple garden hoses. Snakes really, really creep me out. Really.

  3. Oh, it was SO about time, girl. I need a FAR more steady infusion of Snarky-Brand Humor. And by steady I mean IV drip. Please arrange that while you’re jotting down your next killer piece.

      1. Are you sure your head is alright ?

        For assistance, may I refer you to a phrase form the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy “when a bowl of petunias is suddenly yanked into existence miles above the planet Magrathea, and begins falling, having only time to think, “Oh no, not again,” before crashing to the ground.”

        Well that’s it then really. 😀

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