Humor · News

Bundy Protesters To Use Kittens On Front Line

"Please Don't Point That Gun At Me. I Don't Even Like Cows." - Nevada Kitten Who Asked Not To Be Named
“Please Don’t Point That Gun At Me. I Don’t Even Like Cows.” – Nevada Kitten, Fluffymuggs

First, it was women. Children. Now kittens?

Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher whose armed protesters recently forced U.S. Bureau of Land Management agents to withdraw during an attempt to herd and impound Bundy’s cattle, which are illegally grazing on federally-protected lands, has come up with a new tactic to deter future attempts by agents: newborn kittens.

Former Arizona sheriff, Richard Mack was, reportedly, the mastermind behind decision to put women on the front lines, in the event that a “rogue” federal agent opened fire at last weekend’s Bundy protest, which involved close to 1,000 people, including armed members of Operation Mutual Aid, a non-government sanctioned militia.

Militia Member Aiming A Gun At Federal Agents
Militia Member Aiming A Gun At Federal Agents

“We were actually strategizing to put all the women up at the front,” Mack told Fox News. “If they are going to start shooting, it’s going to be women that are going to be televised all across the world getting shot by these rogue federal officers.”*

“If they’re going to start killing people,” Mack told radio host, Ben Swann, “I’m sorry, but to show the world how ruthless these people are, women needed to be the first ones shot. I’m sorry, that sounds horrible. I would have put my own wife or daughters there, and I would have been screaming bloody murder to watch them die.”**

Apparently, “Women and Children First” Means Something Else In Nevada.
Apparently, “Women and Children First” Means Something Else In Nevada.

When Mack was asked if he thinks putting women on the front lines would deter federal agents in the future, he responded, “No, we’ve played that card. We’ve asked Bundy’s supporters to bring kittens next time.” He explained that the plan is to attach cameras – connected to live YouTube feeds –  to the newborns’ heads. The kittens will then be placed on the front lines, with the children and women behind them. “If a rogue agent takes a shot,” Mack said, “America will be watching kitten heads explode on the Internet.”

Mack further revealed that discussions originally included: playful otters in a tank, cute pandas, baby chicks and bunny rabbits.

In a related story, Richard Mack’s wife, Barbara, hastily filed for divorce this morning in Arizona, citing “irreconcilable differences.” She is seeking sole custody of the couple’s daughters.

 

*Actual quote.

**Also, an actual quote.

***

 

Miss Snarky Pants is a humor and satire blog for horrible people.

Miss Snarky Pants loves kittens. You should share this post because everyone loves kittens. Or photos of kittens. Or those really short videos of kittens that repeat over and over again. I don’t know what those are called, but, sometimes, they’re funny. Anyway, share this on FB and Twitter or on all those hipster sites I’m not cool enough to know about. If people like the post, they’ll remember that it was YOU who shared it.

And you get points for that.

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32 thoughts on “Bundy Protesters To Use Kittens On Front Line

      1. My pleasure, I wonder what would have happened if Cliven Bundy were a Black cattle rancher?

    1. Yeah, the ones in back…with the guns. We wouldn’t want to put them up front. Women and children wouldn’t get shot and we wouldn’t be able to blame Obama and the federal government.

  1. It takes a lot of courage to hide behind the kittens from the gfre – they’re so small that most bullets will just fly right above them. Thankfully, there’d be wives and daughters to block these courageous men from the bullets.

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