Humor · Politics

Christie’s Bridgegate Target Revealed To Be Ft. Lee Child

Protesters Demand Christie's Resignation After Bridgegate Target Determined To Be A Child
Protesters Demand Christie’s Resignation After Emails Identify Nate Hoffman As Intended Bridgegate Target.

FT. LEE, NJ – Copies of personal emails between Chris Christie and his former Deputy Chief of Staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, were released to several media outlets today, in which the Governor directs Kelly to “f*ck [sic] with that black kid, the one from the rally,” now identified as Ft. Lee second grader, Nate Hoffman. “Plant some pot in his locker or something,” Christie directed Kelly.

Kelly’s immediate email response: “Governor, he’s eight. He doesn’t have a locker.”

“I don’t care. No calls me Christie Pisstie, anymore, and gets away with it,” Christie replied minutes later. “Aren’t his parents those D-word, organic farmers who refused to let us put a billboard on their property? F*ckin’ hippies.”

“I’m not going to stash marijuana in his [Nate Hoffman’s] desk,” Kelly wrote back, explaining that buying pot would be “illegal, and I’m just not willing to do that.”

After Christie asked Kelly what she proposed, Kelly replied that their investigation into the Hoffman family indicated that Nate is “autistic and attends a private, special needs school in the city. He can become agitated when trapped in a car or any small, enclosed space for long periods of time.”

After Kelly rejected Christie’s suggestion that “someone rig the elevator at Hoffman’s school” as too dangerous to other students, she proposed, via email, “Why don’t we just conduct a traffic study and close a few lanes of the George Washington Bridge all next week?”

Christie responded, “During the first week of school? On 9/11? I love it when you talk dirty like that. Make it happen.”

The boy’s mother, Diane Hoffman, confirmed that “some Christie thug” visited their farm and questioned her about an incident that had occurred a week prior at a Barbara Buono rally. “I explained that my son is autistic. He wasn’t shouting, Christie Pisstie; he was hollering, Kristy Pisstie, because his little sister is named Kristy and she had just wet her pants.” When the man asked if her son had a vendetta against Governor Christie, Hoffman said, ” I told him that my son thinks the President is DJ Lance Rock. Unless Chris Christie is on Yo Gabba Gabba!, he’s not on my son’s radar.”

Hoffman’s father, Marcus, who drives his son to school every morning,  is “infuriated” that the Governor would exact this kind of revenge upon a young, innocent child – all because of perceived name-calling. “Nate screamed for nearly three hours straight that morning,” he said. “Three hours in a Prius. My right ear has been ringing non-stop since September 11th.”

In an ironic twist, the Hoffmans decided to keep their son home until the lane closures ended, so Christie’s target “got the week off of school, and spent most of his free time watching Nickelodeon and playing  games on his Xbox,” while thousands of drivers were forced to sit in traffic for hours each day, and local emergency services were severely impacted.

In response to the release of these emails,  Governor Christie issued a statement, which reads, in part, “I’m thrilled that the Hoffmans have confirmed what I’ve been saying all along: Mayor Sokolich wasn’t on my radar screen.”

While the Ft. Lee family haven’t, yet, contemplated legal action, when asked how he thought Governor Christie should be punished for his actions, Marcus Hoffman said, “I think Christie should have to spend a weekend with Nate. In a Smart car. In bumper-to-bumper traffic. Windows up, motherf*cker!”


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33 thoughts on “Christie’s Bridgegate Target Revealed To Be Ft. Lee Child

  1. If ever you feel put upon because you live in Florida and are therefore somehow connected in peoples minds to a state which has such frequent brushes with infamy, think of me and my suffering fellow Jersey-ites living in a state which is identified by many with the Hitchcock-like profile and Trump-like ego of one Chris Christie.

    1. I don’t know, man. Even my people, MY people, as in John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, make fun of Florida – and, specifically, Tampa. Nah, you’re right. Both our states are filled with clinically insane people and you and I are bobbing up and down in the mire, hollering, “But we’re NOT crazy. There’s a few of us left.”

      1. It’s true. Most of the members of the Jersey Shore cast hail from Staten Island. That is not meant to imply that we don’t have our fair share of guidos and guidettes, because hey, we do, knowhatimtalkinabout?

      2. Newark is best avoided under any circumstances, but I guess you’ve figured that out by now. To put it in Florida parlance, Newark is what you’d have if Overtown and Opa-Locka had a baby and abandoned it on their way to the South Bronx on a crack run.

      1. I’ve thought about it, but, for now, I’d rather focus on my YA fiction. My manuscript recently won First Place in an SCBWI contest, so I’m finishing up my edit and submitting it soon. 🙂 Fingers crossed.

      2. I certainly didn’t expect to win. I thought the manuscript might be too edgy to win a contest. Of course, I thought everyone would be offended by the things I blog about, but I’ve only received a couple negative comments in two years. Seems like people have tougher skin than I thought.

  2. Em, loved the post. Chris (Me and my aides didn’t do nuttin’) Christie is standing on the curb. Just a gentle shove as the bus passes would be nice. Thanks for leaning on him. Happy Valentine’s Day. Good on you for winning First Place in the contest.

    1. Thanks, Tom. I think Christie’s presidential hopes have certainly crumbled. Christie’s a wily one, though. He apparently has said to never put anything in an email, because of the paper trail, so who knows what actual evidence turns up that specifically implicates him. Don’t get me wrong; I think I he knew or created a culture in which he openly approved of political retribution. Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well!

      1. The aides that cooperated with the investigation are “rats” and Christie will malign them. As for the loyalists, be careful, the bus that’s heading for your boss will run you over if he can get you under the wheels before it gets him. It’s the Jersey way.

  3. You were idle for a while, Miss Pants, so it took me a while to get around to checking on you again. This is a first-class bit of investigative reporting. Dare I say “Pulitzer”? Nah, I’d hate to have to decide how to pronounce it.

    1. Thank you! As I have much respect for you as a writer, I’m quite humbled and honored by the compliment. The straight satire is fun to do, but people don’t seem to respond to it as much as they do to humiliating posts about me and my muffin top. Glad to know I pulled it off if only for three seconds. 🙂

  4. This is really entertaining, especially that final image! I don’t know how much of it is true (I just have to stop listening to the news sometimes), but I know that at least the part about Christie being an asshole is! Well done, my friend!

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