Humor · Writing

Fictionary: Preventing The Extinction Of My Muffin Top


What Is Fictionary?

It’s a clever word coined by my blogging buddy, Kylie, over at The Life of Kylie, that refers to new words, phrases, or new definitions for existing words or phrases – often punny in nature – created by people like me who have way too much time on their hands. What’s more, she’s turned it into a game. More accurately, a contest for which the prize is muffins or cupcakes. How could I not participate? Due to recent weight loss, my muffin top is shrinking at an alarming rate. A win, on my part, could help me regain my title as the Muffin Top Queen of the Blogosphere.

Will You Help?

Sure, images of starving children in Africa or pitiful pups in cages shown on television accompanied by any Sarah McLachlan tune are probably the triggers for the heart strings attached to your wallet. However, I totally want don’t need your money; I need your likes. Just one like and a comment celebrating my Fictionary genius from each of my loyal readers is all that is standing between this:

A Starving Muffin Top On Its Way To Extinction
A Starving Muffin Top On Its Way To Extinction

and this:

My Goal: Queen Muffin Top Of The Blogosphere!
Muffin Top Queen Of The Blogosphere

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Once my muffin top has gone the way of the Dodo Bird or the Saber-tooth Tiger, there’s no bringing it back. As I’m sure you are aware, the future of Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top has been threatened recently by the destruction of its natural habitat (i.e. encroachment of high-waisted, stretch jeans), climate change (i.e. Bikram yoga), and, most critically, an interruption in the food chain (i.e. I’m out of vodka and lard!). Will you allow your children to grow up in a world devoid of Miss Snarky Pants’ spare tire? I didn’t think so.

Miss Snarky Pants’ Fictionary Entries

Adorababy: (adj.) The point at which an infant stops looking like a potato and begins to resemble a cute homo sapien.

Ex: A few days ago, the sight of little Katie’s squinched-up eyes and crimson cheeks made me recoil in terror, but now she’s adorababy.

Opression: (noun) The mark left on one upon whom Oprah Winfrey has fallen.

Ex: Though my broken arm has finally healed, the opression that the talk show host left on my wrist will never disappear.

Litterate: (noun) The score given to various forms of litter.

Ex: On a litterate scale of one to ten, a cigarette butt rates only a three, whereas one of Lindsay Lohan’s used fire crotch tampons is a ten.

Shampoo: (noun) 1. Faux fecal matter; 2. Non-Disney approved Winnie the Pooh merchandise

Ex: The old lady nearly shat herself when she discovered she’d been sitting on the shampoo that I placed on her seat.

Middlebrow(noun) The third brow which typically connects the left and right eyebrows.

Ex: Though many people think Michael Stipe was the driving force behind R.E.M., insiders claim that it was drummer Bill Berry’s middlebrow that inspired most of their hits.

Not Only Am I Losing My Religion, I'm Losing My Lunch Just Looking At Bill Berry's Middlebrow.
Not Only Am I Losing My Religion, I’m Losing My Lunch Just Looking At Bill Berry’s Middlebrow.

Nexus(proper noun) Blood supply store popular with vampires.

Ex: Forget that True Blood crap; I’m heading over to Nexus to stock up on some O negative.

Microwave: (noun) 1. A small salutation made with the hand when one is unsure as to whether or not the recipient is someone he or she knows.

Ex: He looked familiar, but after last week’s tequila binge, I wasn’t sure so I just gave him a microwave.

Nativity: (noun) The percentage of Native American ancestry that a Caucasian claims to possess.

Ex: I’m at least 1.25% nativity since my great great uncle’s sister’s friend once shook hands with a Cherokee.

Melodrama: (proper noun) Any situation involving alcohol, profanity, verbal rants, racial slurs and actor Mel Gibson.

Ex: Due to the number of recent complaints of Melodrama, the LAPD have assigned a police scanner code specifically for incidents involving Mel Gibson.

Not Another Melodrama, I Hope!
Not Another Melodrama, I Hope!

Mangrove: (noun) A nightclub or bar regularly frequented by single men.

Ex: Now that Bruce dropped that tranny he was dating, he’s been prowling every mangrove on the strip in search of a sugar daddy.

Collide: (past tense verb) The act of two people lying about the same thing simultaneously.

Ex: Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan collide about the details of Ryan’s tax plan during yesterday’s press conference.

Vulcanic Eruption( proper noun) The physiological response that occurs when Spock engages in sexual intercourse.

Ex: Oh, Spock! You’re hot and all, but if you have a Vulcanic eruption in my mouth, I’m going to bite your dick off.

Spock: My Vulcanic Eruptions Register A 12 On The Richter Scale.
Spock: My Vulcanic Eruptions Register A 12 On The Richter Scale.

Now What?

1) Take a moment. 2) Like this post. 3) Comment on my sheer wit and your favorite Fictionary entry. 4) Visit Kylie’s blog and tell her that you want to ensure that Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top lives to see another day! 5) Pat yourself on the back for being such a lemming do-gooder.

Start baking those Recrimination Muffins, Kylie…


If you enjoyed this blog, stop being so friggin’ selfish and SHARE it. It’s easy; just click on those little buttons below. Facebook, Twitter, Reddit – everyone deserves the opportunity to see Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top in the wild.

103 thoughts on “Fictionary: Preventing The Extinction Of My Muffin Top

  1. Your brilliant wit astounds me. Really. I’m not just saying that because you told me to.
    It was hard to pick but Nativity came in first on my list (laughing out loud) and Microwave (because it is just so cute).
    Now I’m going to SHARE this with one of those buttons.

      1. I love all of Star Trek (except the treatment and wussification of the Borg in Voyager) but Leonard Nimoy’s body does nothing for me.

      1. Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. And continuing off the rails – because that’s how we go – I offer you my own entry:

        Peekapoo: (noun) A log, discovered by someone other than the depositor, that didn’t make the flush.

        You’re welcome.

  2. I love wordplay. When I was about ten the adults were talking about mohair. I didn’t know what it was but I told a female cousin I had mohair on my body than she did. She answered no. We were sequestered (my new fave word). Since then I hunt puns. Continuing in my usual mode I’m going for Vulcanic Eruption. Now to visit Kylie

  3. You are due extra points here as I’m now arriving home from the surgeon’s office with strict instructions of no movement of the right hand. Honestly, what world does he live in?
    Nativity is definitely my favorite and for pure mid-western heritage reasons compounded by fractured thinking induced by over-exposure to politicians. (How’s that for a long rambling sentence that makes absolutely no sense – blame it on the drugs).
    Okay – I’ll stop rambling and toss myself over to Kylie’s page plus a twitter. I hate to say I saw a few of those muffin top fashion violations today.

    1. I’m sorry you were exposed to non-Snarky Pants muffin tops. All others are an assault to one’s vision. I like nativity a lot as well because it’s an inside joke between my hubby and me. He’s 50% Native American – and we like to giggle about all the people who cling to the idea that they have this teeny tiny bit of Cherokee or something in them. Native Americans seem to be the one minority that the white man doesn’t mind being related to. You rarely hear a white person bragging about being descended from an African American slave. And conversely, you never hear a black person bragging about being part white.

  4. Nice work! Hmm…it’s a tough call but I have to choose microwave and melodrama as my top two. Microwave for two reasons: I do that a lot, and anything with the term ‘tequila binge’ is always a winner. Melodrama I like for more prosaic reasons: That guy does my head in.

    1. I’ve started to wonder to myself, “How is Mel Gibson still alive?” He just seems too stupid to live anymore. I imagine that he’s so clueless that one day he’ll just forget to eat ever again.

      1. His eventual demise will probably be even more ridiculous than that. He’ll choke on his own fist or something. Or suffer a fatal fall after knocking himself out while trying to open a can of beans by head-butting it. No, I got it: he’ll somehow manage to hang himself while tying his own shoe laces. That’ll be an interesting case for the unexplained death investigator…

      2. Glad you appreciate it. 🙂

        But, whatever final misadventure aids him from this mortal coil (perhaps he’ll read that an easy way to burn extra calories is to avoid the elevator so as an alternative he’ll opt for the window?), one thing we do now know for sure is that under cause of death the coroner will write ‘melodrama’.

      3. I certainly hope so!

        Mel has been such a disappointment. How did someone who was so popular, talented and powerful turn into such a total schmuck? I suppose we can look to politics for the answer.

    1. Awesome. I’ll store it in the trunk of my car for those days when I’m looking and feeling skinny, but miss the old days filled with insecurity and flab. I’ll just pull your spare tire out, put it on and I’ll have to rely on my wit, instead of my looks, to garner friends. Whoot!

  5. I love all of ’em, but my favorite is shampoo simply because it’s brilliant in such a transparent way that it gives you the illusion that anyone could come up with it, when it’s anything but. I think that’s the USP of your fictionary!
    BTW, I noticed that you did not write Vulcanic eruption and Opression in bold. Is that a subconscious way of signaling they’re your least favorite ones 😉

    1. Oooooh. No, it means that either my wordpress site is acting up again or I screwed up. Yeah, I probably screwed up. Actually, I love Vulcanic eruption. I mean, Spock’s a Vulcan. C’mon! Hilarity is supposed to ensue about now.

      1. It’s probably WP! As for Spock or anything Star Trekkey, I wouldn’t know ‘coz I have NEVER watched it! I’ll let you recover from how ridiculous that sounds, while I hop on to Kylie’s page to root for you 🙂

      2. A word of advice then: Go directly to the original Star Trek. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. You want Shatner and Spock, not the bald Brit. Then catch a couple of the original Star Trek films. Once you understand the reference, “Khan!!!!!!!!” you can then skip ahead to the most recent Star Trek movie. Pretend everything in between doesn’t exist. When you’re done, start watching Doctor Who…just because.

  6. Your post made me sad that there are no more sabre tooth tigers in the world terrorizing people in countries I’ll never step foot in. I like litterate best if it’s pronounced like the coffee drink at the end. Litteraté reeks of class.

  7. Genius! I can’t pick just one. I thought I could when I got to “opression” but then the rest were just as good and I was left wondering why I don’t spend more time playing this game.

    1. Maybe we can convince Kylie to host another game. Or, since she super busy these days, maybe she’ll allow me to host the next game…but it will have to be after we move. Again. Ugh!

      1. Oh shit, hide yourself. Beliebers are vicious. They’ll climb a step ladder and beat your face with a brick before they’ve even finished their after school snack.

  8. Vulcanic Eruption… good one! Why does that remind me of our phone conversation..? Hmf…? These are good! I hope you and your muffin top prosper from all of this cleverness under one roof! I haven’t been to the other site to see how you’ve fared yet…. I saw one of these faux words on FB recently: Askhole: The person who constantly asks for your advice but never takes it. Waiting for the results!

  9. Melodrama and Mangrove. It’s a toss-up between those two. Holy shit I am peeing in my pants laughing while Scot gargles/snores next to me because he’s sick.
    “Manumitting” When the man sleeping next to you is emitting strange sounds that keep your from sleeping. It could also be strange smells, but luckily he’s not farting right now.

  10. Oh how i have missed you! my word of the week is in Im aghastraphobic of my sons roommates and all their tedious drama that seems so OMG to them and fucking ridiculous to me, that I avoid being in the same room, so as not have to fake the OMG face/reaction they are looking for.

  11. Reblogged this on The Life of Kylie and commented:
    Sharing the Love month tapered off. I was busy. But bloggers kept on bloggin! If you missed the EPIC, epic, so very epic Fictionary entry from Miss Snarky Pants, here is your chance to read it. And laugh. And then go eat muffins. She sure did.

  12. I like mangrove and plan to find a way to use in a future blog post-good luck with the cupcakes…

      1. Aha! You still live.
        I had wondered what had happened to you – I was reminded of your existence when I was looking at the blogs I follow. I stopped following a bucket-list blogger when she posted about her “nice things that happened to me today jar” (one thing a day has to be put in the jar for a whole year). I was going to tell her that today the cat was murdered and the house burnt down – with my nice things jar inside – so I didn’t know what to write, when I realized that I was following the wrong blog.

  13. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a really well written article.
    I’ll make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll definitely comeback.

  14. Holy sh*t! This is the best thing I’ve ever stumbled across. Mangrove and microwave are my two favorite. You’re talented sister. I am jumping into this game tomorrow. I feel like I was born to play Fictionary. I’m getting my bong and typing fingers ready.

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