Dear Michelle,
I am so disappointed in you. After thousands of people worked tirelessly to ensure that your husband, President Barack Obama, was again elected to the highest office in this country, you go and blow his inauguration for all of us. A week later, I’m still appalled. For a woman with such class, intelligence and beauty, how could you steal your husband’s thunder as you did? It was his big day; the last time he’ll ever place his hand on a Bible and be sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts in front of millions of chilled constituents and television viewers. But thanks to you, most Americans will only remember January 21, 2013 as the day the First Lady debuted bangs.
Before you begin with the excuses, I realize you technically took your bangs out for a trial run a few days earlier to celebrate your 49th birthday and the launch of your Twitter account, but the world didn’t officially check out your new fringe until Inauguration Day. As First Lady, someone must have educated you on the significant buzz generated by something as drastic as thick, flirty bangs. For crying out loud, one of the world’s most renowned experts on First Lady Dos and Don’ts, literally and figuratively, has been working for your husband for the last four years as Secretary of State.
Did you not think to consult with Hillary Clinton before embarking upon such a controversial voyage toward sassy bobdom? Did four years of the planet’s pop culture obsession with your J. Crew cardigans, your finely-honed triceps and your dazzling smile not clue you in to the fact that everything you do is so amazeballs, it makes your husband’s accomplishments appear minuscule by comparison? How can a measly president keep up?
Don’t believe me? Here are just a few conversations that I totally made up to illustrate my point have overheard in the past couple of years:
American 1: “Hey, did you hear that Osama Bin Laden is dead?”
American 2: “About damn time. Anyway, did you see that incredible dress that Michelle Obama wore on Oprah today? Her arms are totally ripped!”
***
American 1: “I’m so psyched. Thanks to President Obama and Obamacare, my health insurance is going to cover my pre-existing conditions and my birth control pills.”
American 2: “Huh? Did you hear that Michelle Obama is nominated for a Grammy? I loved her book. I’ve heard that the vegetables she grows in the White House garden have ten times as many vitamins as your standard organic fare – and you can develop super hero powers after eating them. Sasha, for example, once gave Chuck Norris a painful wedgie that left him so disabled he had to change the name of his show to Walker With A Limp, Texas Ranger. After eating a single serving of White House garden broccoli, Malia memorized the entire Oxford English Dictionary…in Finnish.
***
American 1: “Thanks to President Obama’s support, my state legalized gay marriage, and now my partner and I can finally get hitched after twenty-five years together.”
American 2: “I’m pretty sure that was Michelle Obama’s idea; after all, her designer of choice, Jason Wu, is gay. Plus, nothing screams equality like her sassy ass bangs.”
***
Is this sinking in, Michelle? Do you realize that, at this very moment, if you were to Google “Michelle Obama Hair,” you’d find an astounding 106 million results? Your hair alone culls more than three times the hits as does Adolf Hitler’s entire murderous career – one which was nearly outshone by the black caterpillar named Otto who lived above his upper lip. Hillary Clinton, whose tresses were famously criticized throughout her two term tenure as First Lady, garners a paltry 31 million results – and she’s been in the public eye for over twenty years. In a world in which bad news always seems to trump good news, it’s confounding to discover that the positive reviews about your gleaming mane easily outnumber the negative appraisals of Hillary’s helmet head.
Perhaps it’s difficult for someone like you, someone who’s never had a bad hair day in her life, to understand the power of bangs. They’re a decisive, aggressive move, much like invading Russia in winter or refusing to use Gatling guns at Little Bighorn – and we all know how those choices impacted Hitler and Custer, respectively. Poor little Taylor Swift was transformed from gawky, teen queen into a sleek, man-eater with one long snip across her forehead and a few passes with a flat iron. Suddenly, she metamorphosized from a mother-in-law’s wet dream into the bane of every eligible bachelor’s existence. When Michael J. Fox doesn’t want his son to date you, that’s a pretty clear indication that you’ve succumbed to fringe-induced flooziness.
The thing that really chaps my ass, Michelle, is that you allowed a mere flight of fancy to outshine your hubby on his big day. Let’s face it; bangs are almost always snipped on a whim. And just like that last martini, bold, blunt bangs are almost always a mistake…unless your name is Zooey Deschanel, who doesn’t count because her eyeballs are so large, they have their own satellites. No one can carry bangs off for long and growing them out is worse than being informed that your sober living partner is Charlie Sheen.
Of course, the greater concern is – now that you’ve demonstrated a desire to one-up the president – what you are planning to debut at the State of the Union address? Knee cap liposuction? Eyelash extensions? A neon pink merkin?
May I suggest something that makes an impact, yet is temporary? Something that President Obama and you can do together. A statement that will eliminate the image of your bangs from our collective memory and bring your lovely forehead out of hiding. A look that will demonstrate your solidarity as America’s most famous, most beloved – and most romantic – couple.
Perhaps this:
With Great Respect and Admiration,
Miss Snarky Pants
***
If you enjoyed this post, please don’t be stingy! Share this blog with your favorite people via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or Any-Social-Media-Website-I’m-Not-Hip-Enough-To-Know-About-Yet.
***
Photo Credits:
Michelle Obama With Bangs: HuffingtonPost.com Hillary Clinton Hair Don’t: CBS.com Michelle Obama With Guns: Allure.com Chuck Norris: FishingJones.com Adolph Hitler: Wikipedia.com Zooey Deschanel: Allure.com
Funnier In Writing 
Ah, the power of a good bang, I seem to remember them somewhere in my long distant past….
Great article, one criticism? Please don’t use the word ‘trump’ in any way shape or form, the horror and disgust i felt in the moment would make a wedgie seem like gentle foreplay….
Bwhaahaahaahaahaa! It’s such a shame when a buffoon ruins a word for eternity, isn’t it?
Not to mention Scotland…..
Nothing can ruin Scotland. I’m part Scottish and we’re made from tougher stock than that.
True dat. Did you see You’ve Been Trumped? I’m a sassenach but it made my blood boil. At least you Scots can’t blame us for him, but unfortunately the same can’t be said for Piers Morgan, please don’t ever send him back….
No, I haven’t heard of “You’ve Been Trumped.” Should I be frightened?
Piers Morgan can stay as long as he keeps spouting off about gun control. I love any man who can rile up as many conservatives as he had in the past few weeks. Hello, people…you don’t need an assault weapon to kill a squirrel.
Argh, you’ve found the only good thing he’s probably ever done, and I’m sure he knows it will increase his popularity tenfold! Anyway, glad you like him, he’s yours! Call it an early Christmas present. And here’s another http://www.youtube.com/user/youvebeentrumped
Enjoy missus xx
Oh, I want to see this now! Thank you for telling me about it. My loathing for Trump is only superseded by my dislike for cat poo smeared all over my face and in my mouth. No, the latter has never happened, but it is one of the few things I can think of that are worse than He Who Shall Not Be Named.
🙂
Presidential scholars and Dr. Phil agree, if Hillary had avoided the “putting your hair up to mop the floor” look and maybe sported a neon pink merkin once in a while, Wild Bill may have stayed away from plus-size blue dresses.
Bwhaahaahaahaahaahaa! First comment I’ve read this morning. Thanks for helping me start the day off right!
Great piece. Although I don’t even know what ‘bangs’ are. Is that bad? Am I no longer as cool as I thought I would always be?
Bangs are all that hair that sits on your forehead. The look is most often attempted by little girls and older women trying to appear younger or sassy.
Umm…I think I’m about to make myself sound stupid here but…(and before judging me, please bear in mind that the last time I paid attention to fashion illuminous shoe laces were cutting edge) but are bangs different to fringes then?
Nope, fringe is essentially the British word for bangs.
Oh my god! I had no idea. Well, I have learnt something new today. Thanks for enlightening me about the curious customs of your strange and far away land. 🙂
Wait…it’s your customs that are curious, not ours. 😉 Sorry. I’m an American and you know, it’s all about us. LOL
So what do you guys call sideburns? Fizz Pops? 🙂
Sideburns…or mutton chops if they’re really big.
The media’s obesession in politics with things that have no political value will never cease to surprise and disgust me.
So true…hence, this post.
So truly sassy I tweeted it before my left hand knew what my right hand was doing … which isn’t the usual order of things. I love Michelle. I love Barry, aka POTUS, contrary to the wishes of many. I love your writing, she said, unabashedly and wholeheartedly. You sincerely rock, and I hope you are not opposed to hero-worship …
Hero worship is great as long as I’m not the hero. Now Barry…there’s my hero. And Michelle ain’t too damn bad either. I’m just checking out your blog as I write. Maybe you’ll be my hero soon…
The thing about heroes is that by definition they don’t get to choose.
Aaaargh! (in my best Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow voice)
Oh, and thanks for tweeting it. You rock!
Because of the experiments, Otto never went through full metamorphosis. He detached himself from Hitler’s corpse, and fled the bunker to Dusseldorf, where he was adopted by a family graveyard of maggots.
Did he sire offspring? Are they hiding in Argentina?
Unfortunately the experiments left Otto sterile.
It’s best, I think.
Ian doesn’t know what bangs are? That’s like saying I don’t know where my G-spot is. Incidentally, I found it on the same day that Michelle debuted her bangs. Speaking for both of us, I can truly say “Better late than never!” xoxo
Did I NEED to know that? Okay, maybe I did, but did my readers NEED to know that? Most importantly, does your hubby know?
OK. I kind of lied. Brad Smith discovered that spot when I was in high school. In case Brad is one of your followers, he’s feeling pretty self-satisfied right now, so I’d say yes, your readers need to know.
You found it in HIGH SCHOOL??? Where can I find this Brad Smith? He and I need to talk.
Ah. Just what I love. A highly educational thread to get the day going.
I cannot tell you how annoyed I was to see article after article about Michelle Obama’s bangs and dresses. People say, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Hmm, me thinks not. So I loved this post in all its snarkiness! Of all the wonderful things Michelle Obama has done–particularly her platform on childhood obesity–and of all the brilliant things that could come from her mouth would the powers that be allow it, the media instead focuses on her looks. I feel for that woman. She came out strong in the beginning, and then they quickly silenced her into a docile, loving and supporting, take-a-backseat wife. And now look how popular she is! Sheesh, it’s enough to get me on a soapbox. Oh wait, I guess I’m already there…
Oh, and for the record, if “bold, blunt bangs are almost always a mistake” is true, I’m in trouble. But I will never cut my bangs. Never. If you could see how low my hairline is, not to mention my lovely widow’s peak, you’d understand why. Plus, who needs to mess with Botox when you’ve got bangs? A win win for me. 😉
I suppose when I wrote that about bangs, I was speaking more from personal experience. Your bangs are charming and I’m sure the deal you struck with the devil to make it so wasn’t all that bad.
Yeah, I had to take a little satiric stab and the media and their focus on Michelle’s fringe. I can’t say for sure if everyone out there will get it. Some people are extremely literal – and some are actually obsessed with her bangs. People! It’s hair!
Considering how wrinkly my forehead is, I should commit to bangs, but they aren’t for me. Not blunt ones, anyway. A nice side-swept bang perhaps? I’m never getting anything injected into my face for the sole purpose of getting younger anyway. If I don’t age, the hordes of men pounding on my apartment door will never go away. 😉
Now that’s the best spin on aging I’ve ever heard!
I was once sitting in the chair of a new hair stylist, and she looked at my boring bangs and straight hair and said, “Have you ever thought of cutting your bangs?” Then she lifted my bangs to simulate what I’d look like without them. After a moment of silence, she said, “Well, then again, you wouldn’t have to.” She never brought it up again.
And I’m with you, unless it absolutely has to go there (e.g., a dental procedure), I don’t want any needles near my face. Or anywhere for that matter.
Your hair stylist is terrible! What an awful thing for her to say to you. I think you should stick with your bangs because they enhance your pretty eyes. You get the Zooey Deschanel exemption.
Ah, thank you. I’ll take it. And she didn’t mean any harm. I’m no longer with her, because we moved, but I think she put it about as kindly as she could. But it’s all good. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we’re not very much fun to be around. 🙂
True. I wouldn’t mind it if she’d said it to me, but I don’t like anyone saying anything unkind to people I like. But I can see how she may have said it nicely. And it is her job…
I bet you are a great lawyer. A lioness protective of her cub clients. 🙂
Thank you. I was a pretty good attorney. I definitely represented my clients’ best interests, but I think it’s very difficult to be a great attorney without becoming morally corrupted. I have a few friends who have accomplished this, but not many. There is so much dishonesty in the law that attorneys face the Lance Armstrong conundrum: do I cheat because my opponents are cheating? That was something I couldn’t do, but I can look at myself in the mirror every day and only be horrified by the enlargement of my pores. This is why I call myself a recovering attorney.
I can imagine there is some moral ambiguity involved. With being a lawyer, not with your pores…
Really? I’m pretty sure my pores have been compromised. I think my moisturizer may have sold me out.
🙂 🙂
I cannot DISAGREE more with your blog my dear. You have written some really funny and witty blogs, but this is not one of them. I was not in the least more DISTRACTED by her bangs as I was with the Inauguration. If you are not serious, then I apologize. You cannot be serious, are you?
Nope. This is satire. 100% satire.
You’re a baaaaad, baaaaaad girl.
Tee hee! I guess we’re back to everyone not fully grasping my twisted sense of humor. For the record, I adore the Obamas! I voted for President Obama twice and I’d do it a third time if it was permitted. I think Michelle Obama is the complete package: brilliant, beautiful and classy.
Michelle is prepping for the time after 2016. She’s getting Barack used to her going through changes (not that one) and keeping him from becoming one of those old fofie ex-presidents who lectures and does stuff that is embarassing. She wants to keep the flag flying, so to speak.
Besides which, they’re still very young!
Very young. I’m at that point in my life in which my president isn’t much older than I am. I was telling my hubby the other day that I never could have imagined “hanging out” with anyone who has been the President of the United States until now. If Michelle and Barack were our neighbors, they’d be the kind of people who we’d invite over for parties. They’re the kind of people we’d befriend or would want to befriend us. We share the same values – and they’re both lawyers who don’t practice law. I love that trait in a person.
Michelle Obama is da bomb. She can do no wrong in my eyes. However, I doubt she’s going to be able to keep President Obama from lecturing in the future. He is a tad professorial. But I’m looking forward to seeing a lot more of him and what he can accomplish outside of the White House after 2016. Just look at all the good Clinton and Carter have done over the years. That’s something to aspire to…and I think Barack Obama is up to the challenge.
Dear Evil Twin,
You are brilliant. I’m going to share this on FB.
She completely upstaged him. Not only with the bangs, but with that gorgeous red dress! What was she thinking? I had to watch a clip of them dancing just so I could see it. I didn’t even listen to him make any speeches.
Because I have, you know, priorities.
And now everybody is going to get bangs except me because of my stupid cowlicks that go every which way. I’ve tried bangs and failed all too many times.
Thanks Michelle Obama, for making me feel left out of the in-girls yet again.
Kylie
P.S. Have you see that gif where she’s rolling her eyes oh-so-subtly at Boehner? We will all be copying that.
That eye-roll made me so happy!
Me too!
Here’s the clip in case people haven’t seen it: http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/22/politics/michelle-obama-eye-roll/index.html
Oh, did I ever see that eye roll…and Boehner deserved it. As people were honoring the president, Boehner couldn’t be bothered to smile or clap enthusiastically. While I don’t really care what Michelle Obama’s hair looks like, I will admit that I preferred her without bangs. They close in her face too much. Thanks for sharing on FB. You are too, too kind!
I was going to satirically rip on you, but I see that someone already did so in a non-satiric manner, so I won’t. But I will compliment you on the outstanding investigative journalism which revealed the name and life story (as shown in the comments) of Hitler’s mustacherpillar. It’s high time someone told poor Otto’s story.
Yes, poor, poor Otto. He was not cut from the same cloth as his human host, fortunately, but the stigma of being literally attached to one of the worst people in history cast a shadow upon the rest of his life.
And to be so widely recognizable, while still so unknown? Poor Otto can’t avoid the reminders. “Excuse me, but you look JUST like Hitler’s — ” “WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” And then he runs away, sobbing.
Fortunately, time has aged Otto a bit. The gray tends to throw people off. He’s a bit concerned about the new mustache meme trend as he doesn’t like to draw attention to himself for obvious reasons. But you’re right; he is still plagued with the “Aren’t you Hitler’s mustache?” all the time. He really wishes he hadn’t given up his gig with Charlie Chaplin now, but hindsight is 20/20. Can I just tell you how much fun the blogosphere is with you in it, my dear? I’ve missed our banter.
Today has been particularly good for the banter! I think I want to write Otto’s biography as a graphic novel. And I need to remind you to please clean your room. It’s becoming a fire hazard.
But I’m sick with a cold. You’re supposed to be making me hot soup and putting cold compresses on my forehead.
I would if I could get to your bedside. But I can’t. It’s all these damn toys. We shouldn’t spoil you the way we do.
I SO LOVED THIS POST! (Yes, this was a yelling, gushing sort of statement.) It makes me want to go back to teaching AP English myself so that I can show students how to write satire well. I just might have to save this one and give it to one of my English teachers tomorrow! 🙂
Wow! Now that’s a compliment. You’ve officially made my evening. I hope you’ll be back to visit. My all time favorite example of satire is Swift’s “A Modest Proposal,” but my true satirical love is David Sedaris. Sadly, he rejected my modest, make that desperate, marriage proposal. For more on that story, see https://paltrymeanderings.com/2012/03/09/10-reasons-why-david-sedaris-wont-marry-me/ and https://paltrymeanderings.com/2012/04/20/the-11th-reason-david-sedaris-wont-marry-me/
Again, thank you so much for your kind and flattering words. 🙂
She totally rocked! You totally rocked in your commentary.
Thank you! Yes, Michelle did rock. She’s this generation’s Jackie O., but – in my humble opinion – even smarter and more down-to-earth.
I’m putting “Action Jeans” at the top of my “want” list.
And darn, too late for Christmas! There’s always next year.
Or Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, my Birthday, Bloomsday, etc. I think you and your hubby need some matching pajama jeans with some Bedazzler accents. I’ll wear my Action Jeans and you’ll wear those and we’ll hit the town.
I suspect that my hubby would rather have matching Action Jeans.
Denim-clad badasses unite!
After a BANG-less few decades (and I use the term very *loosely*) I got bangs last week and they look…well, let’s just say I’m gonna go bang-less for another few more decades, I’m sure. Not everyone can rock it like Michele O.! Great post, as always. So glad you’re back!
So good to hear from you. I’m still trying to get caught up with my blog reading. 🙂
Sorry the bangs didn’t work out.
I’ll be honest. I had finished the first paragraph before I realized that this was satire. Either you’re too good for your own good or I’m stupid. But I relished it.
As far as Michelle’s eyeroll to Boehner is concerned, it was brilliant. For some reason, today’s Republicans are treating the President with less respect than ever before. I doubt Clinton had to take this much B.S.
Clinton had to take quite a bit, but he made his own bed and Monica Lewinsky was in it. Thank you for the wonderful compliment. Coming from you, it means a lot. Your posts aren’t showing up in my reader for some reason. I suspect that a lot of posts aren’t showing up in my reader. Aaaargh!
Exactly! At least Clinton arguably deserved what he got.
Yeah I was wondering how come you didn’t comment on my recent posts. I guess wordpress screws up every now and then.
Fear not. Tomorrow is another day and I WILL visit your blog with a mug of something warm in one hand and enjoy the flow of your prose. 🙂
Fear not. Tomorrow is another day and I WILL visit your blog with a mug of something warm in one hand and enjoy the flow of your prose. 🙂
Ugh! I hate it when I edit myself mid comment, because I screw up the grammar even more. Please change the “didn’t commented” to “didn’t comment” or something so I can sleep tonight!
Will do!
I must say that I do like Michelle’s new do. Would there ever be a perfect time for her to expose her new look to the world? Yet, what has happened to Hillary? I think she should go back to wearing headbands. 🙂
No…not HEADBANDS! She will, I hope, be the next Democratic candidate for president. She can’t wear headbands; she’ll look like a schoolgirl.
As you so obviously point out, Mrs. President is actually secretly in the employ of factions from the ancient, but still active, culture of Zoastria and is part of the plan to undermine the Presidency and America in general. Way to blow the plan out of the water. What were you thinking? Are you TRYING to get assasinated?
This would have been post perfect if not for a certain smarmy smearing of The Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris wants me to say nice things about him, he should consider a new hair style.
Point.
Problem is that Chuck Norris’ hair cuts scissors, not the other way around.
heheheheheheehehhheeeeeh!
So glad to see you posting again. I cracked up throughout the entire thing 🙂
Thanks so much. You’ve made my day. 🙂
Yay! 🙂
I love her bangs. For some of us they are a lifetime commitment. Without bangs the size of my visage scares children and now that I’m in my 40s they mask the product of a stressful life. I’m committed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an episode of Walker With A Limp, Texas Ranger to watch with my bestie, Zooey Deschanel.
Chicks with fringe are so testy…
One day if you’re really nice, I might just post a photo of myself with blunt bangs. Scaaaaareeeee!
I’ve often wondered what it must be like for those who can gallivant around bang free without a care in the world. I’ll never know.
When I wear blunt bangs, they tend to end where my protuberant ears begin. On me, fringe is like a two-way arrow that leads to an insult that references Dumbo or Michael Phelps.
You are so dead on (and so hilariously snarky pantsed). Those bangs were definitely a diversion. She did the same thing at the Democratic National Convention. Remember that gray fingernail polish? Her hubby could have been drooling and singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” and nobody would have noticed. But they started selling that polish in 500 gallon drums.
This is sort of off-subject, but I thought Hillary’s glasses were pretty swell. They made her seem a lot more down to earth. For a few days, I thought of her as my nerdy bookworm buddy. If she’d worn them, along with one of those big plastic hair clips and some yoga pants, I’ll bet she’d have won the nomination in 2004.
I totally get the Hillary glasses thing. I must be a total nerd because my girl crushes are Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
My girl crush is Sara Ramirez on Gray’s.
should we start calling it, “bangs-gate.” loooooolllll. and 106 million search results??!! she-sus christ! xoxo, sm
Did you read that Karl Lagerfeld totally slammed Michelle’s bangs? He was not kind.
You know why she did it, he debated on their anniversary. Hell hath no fury…
Good one! I love that he donned bangs in a skit for the White House Press Correspondents dinner. It’s great when a president appreciates satire. Now I can dream to myself that someone on their staff read that post and mentioned it to his writers. One can dream!