The other night, a small, erm, blemish appeared on my chin. Miss Snarky Pants does not get (shiver) pimples, but sometimes she talks about herself in third person, which is equally creepy. Fortunately, all superhero bloggers have their gear – and so do I. Just as Wonder Woman used her golden lasso to extract the truth from the lying liars of the world, I have my tube of Lumene Deep-Cleansing Peat Mask to extract impurities from the bastard blemishes that dare mar my facial perfection.
For those of you who don’t live next to a bog somewhere in Ireland, peat is a basically decomposing vegetation that, when dry, can be burned as a fossil fuel. It’s also a natural preservative…if you’re a corpse. In fact, over sixty years ago, two Scandinavian men were harvesting peat near their home in Denmark and discovered a male cadaver, buried in the muck, that was so perfectly intact, the men initially believed that it was the body of someone who had recently been murdered. Scientists later determined that the Tolland Man, as the poor stiff was eventually named, was nearly two thousand years old. And damn, if he didn’t look good for his age.
The use of moor mud to beautify the skin has been well-documented over the centuries – by whom, I’ve no idea. This is a blog, people, not a Wikipedia entry. Legendary beauties like Cleopatra and…erm, I’m sure a lot of other reasonably attractive people have happily coated their cheeks with mire muck because of its mild antibiotic properties which help evict the free radicals that have staged a coup deep within in their pores. I’m not sure what free radicals are or who emancipated them, but I’m pretty certain that I don’t want them having an oozy, goozy shindig on my chin – particularly since they didn’t even bother to bring their hostess a bottle of wine. Who shows up to a pore party empty-handed?
So, naturally, I smear this mire mud all over my face because:
1) Tolland Man looks amazeballs – like he’s just taking a little nap after having spent the afternoon mudding with Honey Boo Boo and her kin folk. Since I’m losing weight, I can’t rely on fat molecules to continue to plump up my wrinkles – and I suspect swimming in formaldehyde could be dangerous;
2) I clearly don’t want to get laid for the next few hours (I’d have to don a bikini, hire a similarly-attired call girl, fill a child’s inflatable pool with gallons of bog poo, then wrestle said call girl in my pop-up swamp in order to merely distract Hubby from killing zombies on his PS3);
3) Lumene’s advertising claims that their peat mask contains aromatic rosemary that both opens the pores and provides “a refreshing fragrance.” Erm, if by refreshing fragrance you mean the putrid odor of rosemary rotting in The Bog of Eternal Stench, then, sure, I guess that’s the case. However, when you’re a blogger who spends most of her day in her pajamas and only bathes on the morning of her annual gynecological exam, you tend not to be bothered by a stench that would normally cause flocks of empty-bellied buzzards to nest on the roof of your home;
4) It seems like a girlie thing to do – and any act I can engage in that causes Hubby to remember that I am a female and not just some stanky person pattering around his apartment wearing sweatpants and gimongous concert t-shirts whilst concocting vegan-lite fare and tapping away at a keyboard is a good thing; and
5) Who doesn’t want to douse their face in something that’s more flammable than Richard Pryor? Those of you who got that joke, please slap two pair of Depends together so that I know you’re out there.
After applying my peat mask, I entered the bedroom to find Hubby tucked beneath the sheets with the remote control in hand, waiting for me to join him so that we could watch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter on the telly. Reeking of marsh poo, I pulled back the quilt and hopped into bed.
As Hubby caught sight of my peat-caked skin, he snickered and asked, “Are you seriously going to watch a movie about Abe Lincoln while wearing black face?”
Oops. Erm. “Yes?”
Note: I did not get laid that night and I still have a fucking ZIT on my chin. However, the vultures have moved on to a spa down the street.
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Photo credits: Big Ass Zit: Acnetreatmentreport.com Tolland Man: Mesh5.com Mud Wrestling: Cineplex.com Buzzards: Uglyhedgehog.com Miss Snarky Pants in Black Face: Miss Snarky Pants
Funnier In Writing 
How would you know if I was humming ‘Mammy’?
Have you not seen the size of my ears?
I have heard you described as ‘elephantine’. I’m not telling who said it, though.
Honey, I make Obama look like a snake (when it comes to ear-size – don’t go dissing on my Prez).
I don’t think his ears are unusually big, they’re just protuberant. And as for his snake … well, I really don’t know.
Tee hee…
Well, I’m glad you shower for your gyney exam, at least.
Also, Richard Pryor and Al Jolson in one entry? Tour-de-friggin-force.
Whoot! You just admitted you’re old enough to get the Pryor joke. When will learn, Brian?
Never, apparently.
It’s okay. You’re still one of my fave blogging buddies ever!
*blush*
Glad I’ve past zit stage and moved on to wrinkle stage. Bog poo isn’t appealing. Nice pic though.
You clearly have low standards, my friend.
Where ever did you dig up that photo of me administering a boggy beat-down in my bikini? I thought I had the only copy.
I stole it from Tom Cruise’s bedroom. He had it stapled to his ceiling. Katie Holmes hates you, by the way.
You’ve got that right, sister.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of me clapping two Depends together, because, yes, I’m old enough to get that joke. Sadly, that advanced age does not protect women from pimples, whom mother nature decided it would be funny to allow to continue to get zits into their 4th and 5th decades of life. As if the loss of our facial fat wasn’t enough. She’s a sweet gal, that Mother Nature.
On a side note, my husband and I liked the movie “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” only we went to it in a theater with no clay or peat on our faces. And tell me the actor who played Abe doesn’t look like a young Liam Neeson. Spot on, I thought.
I thought so too…with regard to liking the film and the Liam Neeson comment. Mother Nature, on the other hand, can kiss my 44 year old ass! Who does she think she’s dealing with?
She may have finally met her match…
I doubt it. After all, I’m the one with the zit on her face.
True. But you can always sue her. That’s what Americans do, anyway.
American lawyers rarely sue on their own behalf. We know what a ridiculous pain in the ass it is.
That’s a good point. And Mother Nature likely has one hell of a legal team. Speaking of legal teams, do you watch “The Good Wife”? Love that show.
I don’t, but I’ve heard it’s good. And wasn’t Alan Cumming on it? And Josh Charles? Two of my fave actors!
Both of them are on it. I love Alan Cumming. He plays a tough campaign manager–so different than the softer side he portrays in real life. He’s phenomenal in it. I believe he was up for an Emmy for the part but didn’t get it.
People rarely seem to win awards for the work that deserves it.
I got the Pryor joke but had to Google Depends. Does that mean I’ve aged before my time? I’m not sure. But on the plus side I’ve finally discovered a solution to my incontinence “problem” (that’s how everyone else describes it. It’s never bothered me). So, funny and education post. 5 stars. 🙂
Thanks, that’s so kind. Stock up on those Depends. Serious incontinence starts sooner than you think. Aargh!
Ha hahahha! Thank you for the laugh! I am about to do the same! Hormonal complications turned my face into oxidation grounds for sebum and I must retaliate!
Happy primping 🙂
Cheers!
Glad I’m not the only one. Blast those zits for me, would you?
I got the Pryor one, the Al Jolsen one (hilarious man, that), and the Depends joke. Have not yet seen AL:VH, though. I lmao. Last two things: 1) This is my favorite part of Labyrith (which I also got): http://youtu.be/lG__upqGgRY . 2) Even with that masque on, you look pretty.
This means we’re both older than we’d like to be. And you need glasses…either that or the ones you are wearing are rose-colored.
Thanks for reading my post!
BTW, when you visit that link, the commercial is for a basil tomato pizza sauce. Somehow seems appropriate for a link for the Bog of Eternal Stench.
lmao. Epic comercial. And, I’ll have you know, my upclose vision is perfect. I just can’t see far away. 😀
I’m probably across the country from you. Must be if you think that my Mud Face Mama photo is remotely attractive.
lmao. Silly, lady.
The things we do for beauty! Oh, and in case you didn’t know, that new cream you use one day may have foreskin in it: http://voices.yahoo.com/human-foreskins-big-business-cosmetics-201840.html
And your point is…?
I should have KNOWN you’d be using this already. Do you ever run into the problem of people telling you that your face smells like penis?
All the time, but it has nothing to do with face cream.
Funny link, btw!
1. Nice one about Richard Pryor.At least you’re ZIT didn’t “explode” the way he did ( sorry about the pun,I cant helpit )
2. To get laid while stinkin’ like a bog you need to go full Mud Wrestling plus a lot of booze on the Hubby side.
3. Watching Abe Lincoln kicking Undead asses while wearing a black face…… well…I’m speechless at your Hubby’s comment.Its the best and funniest comment so far.
4.Even after all of these the score is ZIT : 1 and Miss Snarky Pants : 0 .
Yep. Hope you didn’t bet money on me.
I hope you wore white gloves and a sparkly jacket to fill out the minstrel costume.
Nope. They “borrowed” the last ones I had to bury Michael Jackson in.
So was he a racist because he went around in white face all the time?
No he was just confused.
*cough*understatement*cough*
Bwhaahaahaa. Hard to believe I once dreamed of marrying that walking advertisement for the illegalization of cosmetic surgery.
OK, this entire post made me laugh, but #5 made me LAUGH OUT LOUD, which is statistically impossible, because I’m super- hung over right now. After WAY too much red wine last night, I’m going back to bed with my new best friend, a zit that erupted right below the left corner of my lip (that looks dangerously herpesesque) at some point during the two hours I actually slept last night. Does peat protect against STDs?
Not sure, but if you bury yourself in a peat bog, I guarantee you that zit will still be on your face 2000 years from now.
Peat does actually protect against STDs by preventing you from ever getting laid. I’m enjoying a few zits right this very moment. They plump out my fine lines nicely. I’m sure the chocolate cake I’m about to serve and ultimately shove in my mouth will help. It’s a vegan chocolate cake, guaranteed to make your pimples healthier–you want some?
Sure! I finally got rid of the darn thing, but I can’t turn down vegan chocolate cake.
Lovely! Favorite lines, I’m not sure what free radicals are or who emancipated them, but I’m pretty certain that I don’t want them having an oozy, goozy shindig on my chin – particularly since they didn’t even bother to bring their hostess a bottle of wine. Who shows up to a pore party empty-handed? Love that! Having just battled a massive subterranian “lurker” on my chin (damn, I’m 46, should I have outgrown this by now???) I can totally empathize! I had to fib and tell a certain someone who had reason to be close to my chin that my sister’s chihuahua puppy bit me… bad me. I have a CD all about the Bog People but have yet to watch it… that guy’s face is amazing! I hope the bog does something amazing to your skin, which is already so beautiful. Bitch. Also, I’d say it’s more of a “brown face,” like the Native tribes that were systematically uh, invited to leave Florida a few hundred years ago, which somehow ties more in to the preservation of ancient peoples. Somehow.
Hey Laura,
I always love your comments. They’re so sweet and thoughtful. Isn’t it annoying to have to deal with things like pimples at our age. Ugh! I thought I was done with that years ago. Fortunately, I don’t get them often, but they can be stubborn little boogers. I can’t believe you fibbed about your blemish. Tee hee. You crack me up, girl! I still think what Matt said was one of the funniest things that have ever come out of his mouth. Hubby is so hilarious!
You hubby IS hilarious! Yeah, my fib was necessitated not by the intelligent decision to conduct a three-pronged attack on my “tumor” (peat mask, rubbing alcohol, margarita), but because I picked at it so much that it actually looked like a canine bite! I never learn.
One of my fellow bloggers suggested toothpaste (non-gel formula) and I think it might be working. Don’t feel bad, Laura. None of us ever learn.
I’m not thinking of Al Jolson in your last photo but Mitt Romney – sorry!
????? I’ve been told I look like people before, but not Mitt Romney. I didn’t even have my Magic Underwear on that photo.
A mortifying misunderstanding!
I do not think you look like Mitt Romney, not even remotely! Rather the photo reminded me of the Mitt Romney Latino tan-line!
Bwhaahaahaa. How much you wanna bet that Romney told his advisers early on, “Don’t worry about the Latinos. Our maid is Latino and she loves me!”
I have a better smelling alternative to zapping the zits—toothpaste. It might not provide you the raw appeal of the bikini-fight, but it does hold the radicals hostage.
Thanks for the tip. I will try it tonight!
Use the opaque ones, not the gels!
I think it might have worked. Will let you know if it raises its ugly head again. Damn, I love puns.
Whoa. Wait.
There are… what in my face??? Radicals? Son of a bitch, how the hell did they get in there! I feel like I should charge the little bastards rent, at the very least.
This is why I am glad to be a guy. No one tells you about the horrors under your skin.
So are you proposing “renting radicals?” I suppose I’d feel better about having a zit if I was making a little money off of it.
At least you don’t have bacne.
Yeah, but you can put on a shirt. When I wear a ski mask in public, the people around me tend feel uncomfortable for some reason.
Does the bog work, that is what I want to know! Hear the sound of Depends slapping wildly together. I actually saw Richard Pryor live before he was rich and famous (I think he was high though). You have years to go with Zits, Wrinkles and oh, wait for it Hot Flashes to come. Sorry, we never are to old for these gifts.
My air conditioner is set at 72 degrees. Is it possible to have 24 hour a day hot flashes?
Holy f-n shit. Are you published yet? And if not, an essay on who emancipated free radicals WILL get you published. WTF, being the bitch that I am, I hate that you’re ALMOST as funny as myself. Do you get paid for this? Seriously, and if so, how? I just quit my horrendous teaching job (walked out, grabbed my crotch, and told a bunch of 15 year-olds to “suck it”) and I would flip my shit to be able to get paid to write. So tell me, mommy, how to do this. This is me clapping two Depends together. You. Are. Rad.
You just made me so happy I peed my Depends. Yes, I have been published in regional magazines in Florida and I used to be the assistant editor of a big legal journal. I also wrote a couple of poems for my friend’s best selling novel – and that, I did for free. I’ve never made much money from writing, but this is really the first time I’ve taken a stab at being funny. You deserve the applause, though. Teaching. Ugh! I subbed for a couple years and figured I’d better stop when the kids stopped laughing at my Ozzy Osbourne impression. And you are fucking hilarious, my dear. Write a book and start sending it out to lit agents. The world needs to laugh more often.
I appreciate that when writing a post about some kind of facemask wrinkle cream thing you at least included a picture of a gnarly looking dead dude and some chicks in bikinis. It’s like you remembered that I was the lowest common denominator and didn’t want to leave me out.
Thanks!
It’s all for you, Simon. All of it. Except the photo of the mud wrestling chicks. That was for me.
but that was my favorite part 😦
I love the movie, “Stripes.” For those of you who didn’t recognize the mud wrestling photo, it’s a scene from the film in which John Candy joins the girls and, after taking a beating from them, subsequently knocks each of them down and walks away with their bikini tops. Yes, I sometimes pray at the altar of Bill Murray.
Hahaha, “oozy goozy shin-dig on my chin”, love it.
Thanks so much! Last night, I tried a blogger’s suggestion: toothpaste. I thought the zit had succumbed to the power of Aquafresh, but it’s fighting back. This zit’s a MOFO!
Amazing how one zit can screw up your day. Not that you get them or anything. Honest Abe. 🙂
This zit didn’t just screw up my day; it’s lived on my chin for over a week now, witnessed history on Election Day and garnered it’s own blog post. I think I may have to name it before it’s gone completely. Any suggestions?
I really think Depends jokes need to make a comeback.
I know. They’re tragically overdone, but the zit was using an inordinate amount of my brain power.
This article reminded me of my teen years. My face was a regular ‘connect the dots’ puzzle.
I think most people can relate to acne problems; those who can’t should probably be shot.
GASP! Have I met another superhero blogger?! How exciting!! 😀
Yay! I recently met a third on Twitter. So tell me all about your superpowers.
GASP. How exciting!! Oh dear. This will be better explained over some cupcakes and cookies. I can’t just splash my secret superpowers all over the interweb 😛
True dat! Can wine be involved in this conversation? And may I say that all blogging superheroes don’t wear tights. Why? Because all blogging superheroes don’t have size 2 asses. Capes, on the other hand, are very useful.
Oh yes please. I love me some good wine!!
I COMPLETELY AGREE! I can’t even wear normal jeans because none of them fit my bodacious booty…haha! Spandex-y “jeans” ftw! Haha. I do use my Batman cape to keep me warm at times when a jacket is nowhere to be found 🙂
How do you like the new skinny jeans trend? It’s like designers conspired to come up with the most unflattering look for 95% of the population. “Hmmm, how can we maximize a woman’s muffin top, camel toe and cankles all at the same time? Skinny jeans?” For the record, I don’t have cankles, but that only ensures that I look like a turkey baster while wearing skinny jeans.
The new skinny jeans trend definitely is not designed for a woman with curves. It is really unflattering because all I see are awkward flab and some intense crotch lifts. And you’re right when you say it’s 95% of the population, it’s a bit unsettling.
Haha. I still can’t pull them off. What worries me is when I discovered that some of my male friends were buying women’s skinny jeans to wear… That’s when I really started worrying.
Agree! And the part that really sucks about men buying women’s skinny jeans is that they invariably look better in them than the rest of us. Bitches! (Yes, if you’re a man who can rock a pair of skinny jeans but can’t play an instrument and aren’t the lead singer of a band, you are officially a bitch in my book.)
COMPLETELY agree! Those jerks are adding to the stats that skinny jeans ARE okay when they’re in fact not at all.
I feel a blog post coming on…
Me too… 😛
I live near the ocean and every year a god-awful stench wells up. The apartments that are located seaside tend to have a high vacancy rate at this time. Perhaps I could go down and roll around in the rot of seaweed and such and suddenly look 20 years younger. Not that I want to be in my 20s again. I only want to look like it, and only on some days.
Sounds like Red Tide. I wouldn’t roll in that, if I were you – unless you want to tear up something fierce. Anyway, I don’t trust seaweed. It’s a weed.
A weed indeed. Advice heeded.
Well it could always be worse now couldn’t it? 😉 You COULD end up getting a Giant red zit…On the TIP of your Nose…IN DECEMBER! I swear I had that happen to me one time and my buddies sisn’t stop calling me “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Jimmy” for nigh on a month!! 😛 lol
If I get a zit on the tip of my nose this month, I’m coming to find you, jimmydevious!
Swimming in formaldehyde is loads of fun! Don’t be a pussy.
My chin is in need at this very moment. Hmmm. I know what’s about to happen next week…