You know your workout isn’t off to a great start when your husband challenges you to do a chin up and you immediately wonder, “Which chin?”
Hey, it’s a serious question. Do I need to pull all of my body weight up towards a metal rod of random height and merely touch the tip of my chin to the bar – or do I have to haul my waddle up there too and dangle it over the other side? I bet you George Lucas wonders the same thing all the time. Do I stuff all of my waddle under my shirt collar or do I allow it to drape over like Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top?
Oh yeah? Well, the dialogue in Star Wars sucks. Hear that, fat man!
In my case, the issue was moot because I can’t do a single chin up. Nor could my hubby. In my defense, after six weeks of working out, Hubby is only up to four. Not four reps of ten, but four chin ups. Of course, he’s only 140 pounds soaking wet, so he doesn’t have the same, erm, challenges that I have. I’m not just pulling myself up; I’ve got a monkey on my back. Make that a full-grown gorilla. With hypothyroidism and a penchant for eating anvils.
In practical terms, imagine that you’re a person of average weight for your height, unless you already are – in which case, imagine me glaring at you because you insist upon mocking me with your perfectly fit body. However, despite the fact that you are constantly rubbing your toned abs in my face like I’m a puppy that’s pooed on the carpet, I’m still a thoughtful friend. I’ve bought you a lovely, sturdy belt for your birthday – and then, because making a point is ultimately much more important to me than your friendship, I’ve looped that belt through the handles of six, one gallon cans of paint. Though you wish I’d given you a book or maybe some earrings, you still fasten the 60+ pound belt around your waist. And when I ask you to go ahead and do a chin up, you tell me to fuck off.
“Do you realize that I’m wearing enough Sherman Williams to paint the White House?” you ask. “Inside and out?” Of course I do; welcome to my life.
While researching the elusive chin up, I came across an article on stronglifts.com which insists that “[y]our body-weight is not the problem. Strength is. If you want to get stronger at Pull-ups & Chin-ups, do them more.” Let’s see now…if I do 5 times the chin ups I’m doing now, I’ll have done, erm, zero. Great advice, douchebag.
I was surprised to discover that even my slimmer and testosterone-infused friends are similarly challenged. My friend, Evan, recently lamented to me that he can’t complete a single chin up – or pull up, depending upon your definition – unaided. The worst part is that he has to rely on the “assisted pull up machine” in the gym to train so that he can eventually accomplish this tremendous feat of strength. “As soon as you climb onto the assisted pull up machine, you’ve just announced to everyone in the gym that you are a pussy you can’t do a chin up on your own,” he complained. “Having the muscleheads know this is worse than not being able to do a damn chin up in the first place.”
This reminded me of when I used to work for a pharmaceutical company that formulated a little, blue pill which lifted the, erm, heads of many a man. While I was practically assaulted in the waiting rooms of each and every doctor’s office I visited by decrepit, old codgers just dying to shoot their wad, not one of them accepted my offer of a pen or notepad with the pill’s name on it. No, they wanted samples – a request that only their doctor could fulfill – and lots of ’em. Prescriptions were useless as they announced to everyone working in the pharmacy that Flopsy was not the name of a member of your four-legged family, but the pet name for your, erm, member.
Still, I’m perplexed by why this seemingly simple exercise is so damned difficult. By the age of six, I could complete hundreds of one-armed chin ups in a row, hang upside down from the monkey bars until all of my blood pooled in my brain, and contort myself in such a way that I once crammed my entire body into a pillowcase. Why can’t adults do something that kids can do so effortlessly?
I suspect the answer lies in knowledge. As children, we don’t know that we can’t do things, so we just do them. Second graders don’t know the first thing about their Latissimus Dorsi…and, frankly, neither did I until I Googled it. Apparently, it’s not the name of the roguishly handsome, but tragic hero in an Italian romance novel as I’d initially believed – and instead are big ol’ muscles in your back that make a pronated (overhand) grip pull up/chin up possible. My problem lies in the fact that I’m aware that muscles are involved in exercise, thereby making chin ups an impossibility for me. Moreover, my back muscles and I aren’t on speaking terms and haven’t been since I allowed numerous cars to plow into mine over the years.
Were I to try a supinated (underhand) grip instead, I could rely more heavily on my biceps – which is kinda like Tony Stark relying on the phrase, “Stop! I’m a rich dude” to halt criminals instead of donning his Iron Man suit and crushing them beneath his metallic red foot. However, my biceps cooperate only when alcohol is involved – and it’s simply too difficult to attempt a chin up with the stem of a wineglass clamped between your teeth.
So for now, I will celebrate the fact that I’ve lost 9 pounds (and have been placed in the Witness Protection Program so that they can’t find me again and re-staple themselves to my ass cheeks) and, thanks to the miracle of technology, I can watch Bravo on every single cardio machine in the gym. As Hubby conquers one more chin up after another, I will have to revel in the knowledge that if he brags about it and pisses me off, I can easily crush the ego out of him by merely sitting on his lap.
***
If you enjoyed this post, share it. You can also make my day by clicking on the big, blue button in the right hand column that says, “Follow This Blog – It Leads To Treasure.”
***
Photo credits: Chin Up: Menshealth.com George Lucas: Georgelucasneck.tumblr.com White House: WhiteHouse.gov Sixteen Candles Chin Up: Tumblr.com Latissimus Dorsi: Wikipedia.com
Funnier In Writing 
Quite possibly the best opening sentence of any post, ever. As always, the sentences which followed did not disappoint either.
I think I can do some chin ups, I’ll go find a sturdy enough bar and report back on how many I’ve done.
Funny you say that because I came up with the opening line while I was getting ready for a party we were going to. I had to stop applying my mascara to run to the computer and type that single line. Hubby was like, “What are you doing?” Gotta get that line down before I forget it. I carry a small notebook with me everywhere I go now.
That sentence was pure gold, or as the hipsters like to say (all too often), “Epic!”
I have never heard a hipster say that. Perhaps I don’t know any hipsters. But I do live in a hipster neighborhood. Could this be a regional thing? I think I’m going to start saying it now just to annoy people.
My brother’s girlfriend said it repeatedly. She’s fairly hipsterish, but at my age, most young folk seem to be hipsters or whippersnappers. Kids today, huh?
Try “at our age.” I doubt you’ve got many years on me, if any. But I’m going to try it out. I mean, I throw “amazeballs” out there all the time, so it’s not like I could embarrass myself any more than I already do on a daily basis.
53…but I write younger.
That was exactly my first thought. What an opening line 🙂
The impressive thing was that the rest of the post lived up to it. Miss Snarky Pants, or CCL as I like to call her, is the bomb. She never disappoints, but she is quite capable of inadvertantly making the rest of us feel like mere mortals when it comes to our own writing.
OMG. I’m going to have to stay home for the next few days because my head has now grown to Elephant Man proportions – and I’m pretty sure I can’t fit it into my car. I suppose I could walk places. Nah!
At least all that praise didn’t go to the hips….it can be kinda Ben N Jerry’s that way.
Excellent point. So was that diet praise you guys were dishing out?
We make the compliments old style, with only the freshest ingredients. No added fats or processed ingredients.
Gracias, mi amigo! You guys are too kind.
I’ve never been able to do a chin-up. In fact, it has eluded me for so long that when my son did more than the entire kindergarten class, I fell out of my chair in pure shock!
I know…and he probably didn’t even bother to break a sweat, did he? Damn kids and their damned youth!
Being that I have more chins than a Chinese phone book, the only way I am able to do a chin-up is by tilting my head backwards.
That was good, Tim. You need to blog, man. Seriously.
totally understand where you’re coming from. my brother has been working out his whole life (‘cept the child period) and can only do 8. not bad on the husband.
Really? So I’m working my ass off so that some day twenty friggin’ years from now, I’ll be able to do one chin up? Grrrrrrrr.
http://challengeworkouts.com/
I don’t know what to think about this, but she is good.
Chin ups are for boys. Unless you want to end up like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 (Judgement Day), don’t even try doing them. Crazed, ripped and snarling is no way to spend the middle years, my friend.
I like the way you think, Sweetie! I used to want guns like Linda Hamilton, but have you seen her lately. Chills are rippling through my body and I can only vaguely remember how awful she looked the last time some tabloid slapped her face onto one of their pages.
Hey, I like bad ass women who is crazed ,ripped and snarling.
I think Linda Hamilton may still be available. How do you feel about haggard? I have a feeling that might describe her better these days.
First of all, I have to admit to you and WSW that Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 is my hero. I long to be able to do chin ups on an overturned jailhouse bunk bed and strut around in a wife beater, racking rounds one handed. Just think how quickly people would get my cocktails. *sigh* Alas, I have to settle for “assisted pull ups” with an exercise band over a door frame despite the fact that Hubs helpfully showed me some inspiring footage of a pregnant woman easily doing pull ups in a Cross Fit training class. It was truly inspiring as it inspired me to send that gym a letter bomb and feed Hubs tainted chicken breasts so that he could do some toilet bowl chin ups. You are not alone, Cristy. I will join you underneath the pull up bar for a cocktail.
The Chin Up Bar — isn’t that a dive-y little joint in the West Village? First round’s on me ladies.
I’m in. I’ll wear my wife beater.
I’ll slur.
Great name for a bar for little people.
There are just so many reasons to like you, FF.
As someone who has never, in her life, been able to do a single chin up, much less four – my sincere congratulations to your husband! And as for you, don’t worry about it. Who says we need chin ups to be cool? Heck, I say going up and down the stairs twice a day should be good enough. We’re people, not machines! On a serious note, bravo with the attempt to exercise. I get winded just walking two or three blocks.
I know I should just be happy with my body the way it is, but the nearby marine laboratory gets flooded with phone calls every time I’m spotted on the street. People are certain a manatee is on the loose – and it has learned to walk. I’m not sure what scares them more.
Wow , Thats like the original story of Golden Age Aquaman,seriously.just look it up,its even in the wikipedia.Golden Age Aquaman is actually a boy that was experimented and conditioned by his dad to live at the bottom of the ocean floor.Why? No ,Idea.
Great…so you’re saying that my story is like that of the WORST superhero in the entire world? I may as well just kill myself right now.
Hey, Aquaman has Sharks as his pets.Who doesnt want that?Its cool…sorta in a supervillain way.Oh and dont forget the Dolphins ( the animals not the ones from Miami …although if he can make them his pets…hmm…Miami Dolphins as Stormtroopers?) and the Squids.
Even Raj on “Big Bang Theory” thinks Aquaman sucks. C’mon. Don’t try to make me feel better about this now.
Because Raj dont have sharks as his pets and Miami Dolphins as his personal StormTrooper.Besides he’s not refering to the Golden Age one.The golden age Aquaman is a US Navy / MARINE wet dream come true.He’s the ultimate amphibious super soldier ( super NAVY SEAL ) that can breathe underwater.
So dont feel bad.
Your Husband can do four ?Four?4?Wow,thats alot.Congratulations to him for joining the 1%……of those that can really do a chin up.HAHAHA. 🙂
I’m starting to suspect that four chin ups is quite an achievement. Damn, now I’m going to have to congratulate Hubby. I suppose I’ll have to make him some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, too. Angry Demon, you’re making my day quite complicated, you know. I hope you’re following my blog; I like complications.
It is for most of us men….who is not a gym rat and on steroid.Even a gym rat that is on steroid can sometimes doing it wrong.
So yeah ,give him some cookies.And an invitation to a WWE tryout.Hey, He earned it,Right?
I’ll stick with the cookies. All I need is to have WWE on the telly day after day. I suffered through that my entire childhood.
Ah, a blog that makes fun of George Lucas AND Mitt Romney. Excellent. A++++++
I’m a big, fat liberal nerd.
Yay! You’re back! And a mere shadow of your former self! Okay, that’s your ass that’s becoming a mere shadow of its former self, or something, but congrats anyway. Nine is almost 10, and ten is, well, where percentages start to mean something. I don’t do math, but lots of zeros always look good and clean on a page. I haven’t attempted a pull up or chin up in so long… yes, I’m the dork that uses the ‘assistance’ machine at the gym. Fortunately, the gym seems a dork haven rather than fitness freak heaven, so I haven’t seen anyone else do that, either! Yay again! Keep up the good work, loved the writing as always. Esp. the image of you dangling on a bar with a wine glass clamped between your teeth… a woman after my own herart! xx
Thanks so much Laura. Have you posted recently or are you just not showing up in my Reader? We need to talk and catch up. Glad to be back and am loving seeing all my blogging buddies.
I’d totally use one of those assistance machines, but I don’t think our gym has one. It’s the only way I’m going to do a chin up any time soon.
Miss you,
xoxo CCL
I assume the break was to work on your book??
I posted at the beginning of the month, another middle school horror story, this time seasonally-appropriate (Halloween). Will put up a fun little something next week as well.
Do need to catch up! This month has been insanely busy, and going away this weekend (wink, wink), but after that… I’ll give you a call! xxL
Doing a chin-up is designed to tone your back muscles and biceps. If you want to look like a gym rat keep trying. If a healthy trim body is what you crave try stationary bike, treadmill and the occasional foray into the semi-wilderness. We don’t need anymore ripped bodies, though the latest shot of J-Lo’s abs was nice, we need trim adaptable people.
Awww. You’re making me feel a lot better, Tom. I spend quite a lot of time on the stationary bike and the treadmill. Recently, the elliptical machine and I have become friendly, but my calves are pissed off at this new relationship. Dr. Oz says that you should be able to do 20 chin ups in a row in order to be a healthy person. I say, that’s easy coming from a damn wizard.
Well, At least you dont try Terry Crews’s Euro Training — Never fail to induced laughter.
That dude is HARDCORE.Is it even humanely possible to achieve Crew’s level of Fitness?
Way to go BB! 9 pounds is awesome, pull-up bar be damned.
Thanks, BB. I’m trying. When I can’t make it to the gym, I work out at home. I’m the only person in America who has a recumbent bike that isn’t covered with dust or dirty clothes.
Well, hopefully clean clothes: the ones that you can’t put in the dryer because if they shrink .000001 of a millimeter you’re screwed.
That would be my entire wardrobe.
And sorry for the lame ass comment. On my phone typing with one finger trying desperately not to smudge my mani. 😁
That’s not lame. Did you see my response to your tanning comment, btw?
No, must have missed it. On my way….
Oh, honey, I think there’s been a mistake. The device in the top picture? The one with a yummy looking male hanging from it? Yeah, I have one of those in my house, and it’s not for “working out” – its to hang my wet bras from when I take them out of the washing machine. But high-five for the 9 lbs! 😀
Maybe this can help ( about the chin ups ):
http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/detail/view/name/chin-up
http://www.charlespoliquin.com/ArticlesMultimedia/Articles/Article/567/Chin-ups_The_King_of_Upper_Body_Exercises.aspx
This also helps:–again its about chin ups
http://relativestrengthadvantage.com/insanely-good-chin-ups-pull-ups/
You know, when I had a “personal trainer”- back when I still gave a sh*t – my trainer had made me do chin ups with one foot hooked in one of those bands. The force of the bands would “snap” me right up (of course the arms still have to do the work).
Why the hell are you doing chin ups anyway? Start with push ups and let me know how that goes.
Push ups? What makes you think I can do a push up?
Sigh…well, I thought maybe at least between the two of us, you’d be the more likely candidate.
You should see me attempt a “push away” (an exercise in which one pushes himself or herself away from a bar or a table). It’s pathetic.
This post made me laugh so much 🙂 I fail at doing chin ups and press ups! There is no way on god’s green earth that I’m ever going to reach a fitness level where I can pull my entire body weight up to a bar!
I’m thinking that when I die, they’ll have to take my corpse to the gym and prop my chin up on the bar. Then they’ll be able to put on my tombstone: “She finally did a damn chin up.”
That’s one way of defeating the evil thing. I wouldn’t even know where to start trying to do one, apart from standing under the bar shaking with the strain!
I got it. I’ve solved the problem. Doping! Now I just need to get in touch with Lance Armstrong…
I can totally relate! I don’t think I would even have the courage to try a single chin-up at this stage in life. All the best to you!
Thanks! If you do decided to attempt a chin up, I’d suggest doing it at home or use a tree branch in your backyard. It’s pretty humiliating to wrap your hands around the bar in the gym and then just hang there because your muscles are like, “What the fuck?”
Have you ever consider a career as a stand up comedian?You ARE Funny.And the way you deliver it….BAM, you beat every other comedian outthere by a 100 km ( yes , I use the metric system ).
Angry Demon, are you really a recruiter for Jay Leno because if you are, please tell Jay Leno that I think chin ups must be A LOT FUCKING EASIER for him than anyone else on the planet. Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, I have Dilatory Epigram Syndrome; this means that I’m funny exactly 52 minutes after I need to be during human interactions, so stand up is probably not in my future. If I got heckled, I’d be like, “Your baby is ugly.” That’s all I got.
Hi! I’m a new follower of your blog, and I must say I DIG YOUR IMPRESSIVE HONESTY! It’s amazing encountering people with your perspective. I feel privileged to read your posting.
Why, thank you. I’m rarely complimented on my honesty because I’m such a big fat…erm, honest person. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I tell the truth all the time. Like now, I’m hangin’ with Robert Pattinson and I keep telling him that I just can’t leave Hubby for him, but he won’t listen. He’s threatening to climb a tree and race across the forest at top speed and is ignoring my pleas to stop because he’s not actually a vampire, but I think the Ecstasy has gotten to him. Anyway, welcome to blog of my ever so humiliating life.
No, I’m not associated with Jay Leno,at all. He stop being funny around 2006 .And I prefer Conan O’brien.
And you Miss Snarky Pants are better than Ellen DeGeneres and Leah Bonnema COMBINED TOGETHER.
Imagine that.
Hot damn! Yeah, I actually have to agree with you about Leno. O’Brien is much better, but Hubby and I are more Tosh.0 kinda folks. We enjoy pushing boundaries. Matt Stone, Trey Parker and Seth MacFarlane are certainly paving the way for humorists today. Then, of course, there is always my idol – David Sedaris. But it’s harder to push boundaries in print because there are so many literal people out there. You know, the kind who find “A Modest Proposal” to be really offensive.
Agree,pushing boundaries in print is harder today because all of those “political correctness” thing.I remember waaay back when a church going friend told me that south park is offensive for potraying Jesus as a TV host.Many people doesnt understand satire as a comedy.Luckly, we got the Internet, where Satire bloom.
Well, you’re gonna LOVE my next post then!
Hi, just found you, coming over from Moonbeam.
Glad I did – I am following now to see if I can catch up to your husband – do keep me posted on how many he can do – I am trying to get back to 1 – hmmm, I better get back to the gym. Its old age by the way. When I was a teenager I could do 7 hand-stand press ups – now I would just break my neck if I tried.
Pat,
I will happily keep you apprised of Hubby’s progress. Yes, I know you’re right about the old age thing, but even I won’t admit it. Damn, middle age! Anyway, thanks for reading and stay tuned for more humiliating tales about my attempts to become fit once more. xo Miss Snarky Pants
P.S. Moonbeam’s awesome, isn’t she?
I’ve decided given how difficult life can be for a woman in this society at times, I get to exempt myself from certain activities to make up for it. Chin ups are one of those activities…
That bolsters my decision to do the same. I just returned from the gym and it turns out that we have a “chin assist” machine after all. It assisted me in looking like a total ass.
Haha. Thanks for the laugh out loud with that one. 🙂
If you’d like another giggle, just glance at my photo. It’s like a middle-aged-goth-poseur-turned-period-romance-writer visited an Olan Mills studio and they made sure to rub a lot of vaseline on the lens. And no, I don’t write romance novels, so not a good look for me.
Well, I went to JC Penney’s for my author head shot so I’m not one to talk. At least yours has some mystery to it, as compared to my head shot which says, “Hi, I’m posing for a picture.” (And I’m not talking about my Gravatar pic–that’s even worse; I popped on a hat and snapped a photo of myself, bad lighting and all.)
No, I disagree. The Gravatar pic is awesome – it’s a little Molly Ringwald with a cool expression mixed in with the kind of hat that counselor dude on Celebrity Rehab wears. It’s a rock star move, if you ask me.
Hey, I’ll happily take that.
How did I miss this post? Are you posting (shock horror) more than once a week now?? Being able to do chin ups is highly over-rated. Seriously, when are you ever going to be able to utilise them? Even for show-off purposes? How many over-hanging bars does one even come across in daily life?
That being said, I do revel in the fact that I can do far more than JD. However, the gay world is a very strange one, indeed.
I dunno about that. I have a whole lotta gay friends and very few of them are buff. I know the whole chin up thing really isn’t important in the big picture, but it pisses me off that I’m too weak to do something that I could do without even trying when I was a little kid. And anger is about the best motivation I can think of right now. I’m gonna get this body of mine back in shape if it’s the last thing I do.
Considering that I took a combined total of about two months off from blogging this summer, I figured I owed you guys some extra blogs. But I like to average one, maybe two, a week. I do have other writing to do…
Hang in there, and if it gets too tough you can always lower the bar!
If you’re so busy, I’m wondering whether you’ve tried any yoga? And not necessarily the ‘nouveau’ power variety. As an old fart I find it much more enjoyable and flexible than going to the gym and all that equipment. Good luck with all of it! 🙂
I have tried yoga, Lawrence, and wrote about it in my post, “Yoga Is Not a Character in Star Wars” and its follow up. Check it out, then let me know if you still think I need to try yoga. 😉
The reading of this blog I will do. You must help me fight the dim side and point me in the right direction though…a link or a date to the post?
And I’m really curious why one would choose chin-ups over yoga, so I look forward to the read. 🙂
Here’s the link. Sorry about making you dig around. I hope you enjoy the post. 🙂
Wait, people actually DO chin ups?! I thought “chin ups” were just elaborate booby traps!
I don’t see how. If I can’t get my chin up there, my boobies aren’t coming anywhere close to that bar.
BUH DUM TSH.
Spend less time insulting and shaming george lucas and calling strong lifts douche bags (and they might be).
Then maybe you would actually make a tiny bit of progress in the gym.
If you cant do a pull up then you are weak (at least in that area) nothing wrong with that, but dont blame others or genetic etc.
If you’re body isnt being pushed and your diet sucks then you wont improve, why would you.
If you eat more calories than you burn then you put on weight.
Simple
I know this article is part in jest but the whole thing and the comments section just makes you and you’re audience sound very jaded, shallow and full of excuses.
I know i may sound like an a**hole to you, and i can accept that.
But this whole article is just moaning and excuses.
Dude, it’s a humor blog. I’m poking fun at the fact that I’m physically weaker than I’d like to be. I’m also a huge George Lucas and Star Wars fan, so “Lighten up, Francis.” And yes, you sound like asshole, particularly because you felt the need to censor your spelling of the word “asshole.” Look up satire and self-deprecation, and maybe you’ll understand my posts a little better. Oh, and don’t take yourself so seriously.