Unless you’ve been living in cave in North Korea, you’ve probably heard that the orange buffoon Donald Trump has a big SECRET about President Obama which he’s planning to unveil this week. During a Monday phone call with Fox and Friends, the Trumpster said, ”It’s going to be announced probably on Wednesday. But I have something very, very big concerning the President of the United States.” When probed for more information, The Donald would only add, “It’s very big. Bigger than anybody would know.”
Having been led down the birther path by this pompous, tanorexic blowhard before, I’m hesitant to give the Trumpomatic a single inch of space on my blog. However, being a humor writer, I can’t ignore a golden opportunity to explore the possibilities. What could this important news be? Hmm. Let’s consider what we know: (a) it’s very, very big; (b) it’s about President Obama; (c) it’s coming from the least credible source since Chicken Little.
Top Ten Possible BIG Secrets About President Obama To Be Revealed By The Dumpster
1. President Obama shaved his fro down a couple inches, effectively reducing his height from 6’3″ to 6’1,” in order to avoid being labeled a “big, angry black man.”
2. President Obama is actually Bill Clinton in black face and, thus, his presidency is invalid as no person may be elected to the office of the President of the United States more than twice as per the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution.
3. President Obama doesn’t meet the “natural born citizen” requirement of the Constitution because he was actually hatched – the offspring of an advanced race of seven foot tall alien bunnies who settled in the United States in the hopes of saving the world from apocalypse under the leadership of President Mittens.
4. President Obama will appear on Celebrity Apprentice if he is not re-elected. Television execs predict that The Dumpster will be fired and the name of the show will be changed to Socialist, Muslim, African, Liberal, Gay-Loving, Fetus-Murdering Apprentice with President Obama at its helm. Democrats and repentant Republicans will tune in in record numbers.
5. President Obama’s nickname in the bedroom is “Big Barry.”
6. The reason no photos exist of the President before the age of 13 is because President Obama used to be a vampire. A complete transfusion of human blood at age 14 reversed his blood-lust symptoms.
7. Bigfoot exists and President Obama is in possession of the only genuine photograph, contained within the president’s Book of Secrets.
8. The paperwork making Hawaii a U.S. territory and, later, the 50th state were all forged; thus, President Obama is not a natural born citizen of the United States.
9. All those emails you’ve been getting from President Obama – he didn’t really send them; his staff of sharp-fanged, winged faeries did.
10. The real reason Mitt Romney has promised to cut funding for PBS is because the part of Big Bird has secretly been played by President Obama since 1972. Yeah, he was only eleven at the time, but he was tall for his age.
What do you think? Please feel free to cast your vote for the most likely big, fat whopping lie SECRET that the Dumpster will reveal this week – or suggest your own in the Comments section below. Yes, you CAN!
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Photo credits: Mitt & Trump: Abcnews.go.com Obama’s Afro: Latimesblogs.latimes.com Obama With Bunny Mama: WashingtonPost.com Baby Obama: Telegraph.uk.co Big Bird Obama: Wikipedia
Funnier In Writing 
I happen to know that it’s actually #9. I know because I’ve been hired as a part-time sharp-fanged winged faerie to make calls harassing nice, upstanding conservative families with my liberal propaganda. They hired me because they know that I’m such a staunch socialist/fascist, and because of my unusually sharp teeth.
And your wings. Don’t forget your wings.
How could I forget them? They encase me in a constant sparkly glow of naive liberal idealism.
And that’s why I love you, but not enough to allow you to lick any of the Jon Stewart residue off of my skin.
Just see if you can stop me.
I’m encased in a vacuum-packed Space Bag. Have at it. One of our cats is completely obsessed with plastic and won’t stop licking me anyway. What’s one more?
Ugh. This guy’s “truths” are like a cockroaches. Shed some light on them and watch them scatter. I hadn’t heard about this, but I tend to avoid TV news. Can’t wait for the big “reveal”. Move that Hairpiece! Move that Hairpiece!
And when it is truly revealed, I’m sure I’ll have something snarky to say about it. The Dumpster hasn’t said anything in a long time that didn’t make my lip curl.
I’ll keep an eye out for that post or how will I ever know? Thanks!
You can always subscribe to my blog…
And this secret is SO BIG that the Trumpinator is announcing it via Twitter where he won’t be forced to used more than 140 characters. We all know how much people hate details.
How many times do you think he’ll include the word “Big” in his tweet?
Given his proven track record of doing everything too big (over-compensating a bit, are we Mr. T?), from buildings to pageants to wives to hair, I’m guessing 32.
That only leaves him with 44 characters. Maybe he’s going to reveal that Obama is black.
Unless the Donald is going to share the secret inner workings of his comb over, I’m not interested.
I’m pretty sure that Voldemort’s face is hidden under said comb over, much like it was hidden under that professor’s turban in the first Harry Potter film.
Either that or there’s a big old wad of loose skin bunched up underneath.
What color do you think it is? I mean, do you think he gets the wad o’ skin spray tanned?
I think it’s a mottled pink, since you asked.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I never heard of this. Probably because I tend to not have anything to do with politics. I don’t live in a cave in North Korea, I live in Canada-I swear!
Maybe Obama knows where 2pac and Biggie really are…
Good one. I hope that’s it. I miss me my Tupac.
He’s a time travelling, shape-shifting lizard from the 11th dimension isn’t he? I knew it. I knew it all along. Four years I’ve spent explaining this to everyone I’ve encountered. Now we’ll see who’s edging slowly backwards while laughing nervously and assessing the quickest escape route.
And Tom Cruise knew about it all along – and he’s here to defeat him.
It seems that we’ve figured out Donald’s “big” secret ahead of its announcement. Would it be too much to say that we’ve trumped Trump?
Nope…and if he hears about it, it’ll piss him off – and that’s where the real fun begins.
Donald Trump is so full of s**t his eyes are turning brown, He just noticed nobody mentioned his name and he had to slither back into the spotlight. The only secret he has is the potion he uses to delude women into marrying him.
Nice, Tom. Very nice! I think you need to pen a post about The Dumpster yourself.
I’ll give it a shot. Just have to get some dirt, er, facts on the Dumpster. He’s never been too high on my list of people I follow. Thanks for the prompt.
Send me the link when you do and I’ll promote it on my FB page for you.
Very funny post! Personally, I think Trump will reaffirm for us that President Obama’s birth certificate is indeed a fake. Truthfully, President Obama was born on Mars to a hyper-intelligent alien race plotting a hostile takeover of Planet Earth. Also, Mars is the red planet, which means that the alien civilization is communist. President Obama is a communist.
Well, at least he’s the spawn of a hyper-intelligent alien race. As far as the reasoning behind Mars’ redness, I believe that has more to do with the nanophase ferric oxides in the dust that coats most of the planet, but that’s just the opinion of thousands upon thousands of scientists. Don’t let that dissuade your crazy talk.
Dear BB,
I actually take offense at you calling Donald Trump tanorexic. That’s a slap in the face to all spray tanners such as myself. In truth, he’s actually got sort of an orangey-brownish glow, and anyone wielding a BOGO coupon for Majestic Tan (I-25 and Arapahoe Road) will back my up.
xoxo
Sorry, BB…I stand by my comment that Trump is tanorexic. While you are a spray tan fan, you are smart enough to stay away from colors like “Toxic Orange Crush” or “Rust Me, I’m Not Orange,” and stick with safe, natural tones like “Tequila Sunset” or “Loco Cocoa.” You are the one with the sexy, subtle glow, while Trump tends to radiate more like, say, Chernobyl. You’re not tanorexic; you’re tantastic!
Miss Snarky,all l care about is .who will fix the 16.2 trillion deficit which is devastating the American economy?.
Jalal, I’m a humor blogger. If you’re looking for a serious analysis of the best way to reduce the deficit, I’d have to refer you to another blog for that kind of information. If you just want to have a laugh – usually at my expense – then visit again tomorrow morning and you won’t be disappointed. Best, Miss Snarky Pants
Obama’s secret is that his wife is not Tyler Perry dressed in drag, but is in fact an actual black woman. Trump is gonna crow about this, because if there’s one thing that freaks out Republican America, it’s a strong black woman (unless her name is Condeleeza).
Ouch! Don’t go after Michelle. She the most amazeballs First Lady we’ve ever had! But you’re right about Republican America; the fact that you could count all the African Americans in attendance at the RNC on one hand is pretty darn telling.
Maybe its one of these:
1. Obama is technically an Indonesian ctizen.
2. Obama is an Iranian-Chinese Double Agent.
3. Obama is a Blackface Chinese.
4. Obama is secretly a Republican spy.
Hmmm. I think I’m gonna go with number two. Wait, that has nothing to do with your list. I always make poo in the morning.
Obama is gay….
I heard his lover is the Chicago Mayor…. Rumor mill….gone wild
Well, that would be a shocker…to Michelle. However, John Travolta would be thrilled.
Knowing the way those political emails go, it’ll be something completely simple…. uh, blown out of proportion (No, dammit I refuse to say that it has been “trumped up. My god).
“If President Obama is re-elected to a second term, he will continue to pursue DEMOCRAT policies and not be a Republican!!”
“NOOOOOO”
*flips over desk in rage*
You went there. What a trump up! I think Trump is just trying to work his way into the dictionary. He wants the word Trump to mean something…besides what it already means. Unfortunately for him, I think it’s going to come to mean douchebag (i.e. Rush Limbaugh’s nearly as big of a trump as The Donald).
Disney should sue Donald Trump for using Donald Duck ‘s name, likeness and personalty without permission.
Very true. This is why I prefer to refer to him as The Dumpster, but I suppose dumpsters everywhere will start suing. They’ve got much less dirt on their hands than the Dumpster.
There’s only one BIG secret it could be, and it ain’t about his shoe size…
Puleeze. Everyone knows Obama has large hands.
The big suprise is……………………..Obama stand for O.B.A.M.A ==Organized Black African Men Association.
Okay, that’s my favorite so far!
Trump stands for T.R.U.M.P== Territorial Reconnaissance Under Massive Pressure.
Sounds very Military to me.
If I never hear his name again, it will be too soon. You know, I disagree with Romney and Ryan, but I don’t “HATE” them. Trump…I think I truly loathe him and what he’s become. I don’t think he has a single redeeming quality at this point.
Except for his hair.You gotta respect the hair.
And I agree with SOME of romney and ryan idea to bring USA back to its feet.But I also agree on SOME of Obama idea.Both have plus and minus.The question now is can both parties,whoever wins, come together and cooperate to make USA great again?Using REASON rather than political agenda–dogma whatever you may call it.Calling the Dems are pawns of the Devil is as Irrational and Idiot as calling The Reps a bunch women hating Nazi.Its not constructive nor it is productive.
So,Trumps biggest secret is a….$5 million dollar fund to any charities of the president’s choice if Obama will publish his Collage records and Passport?–>
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2222447/Donald-Trump-announcement-Tycoon-offers-5m-charity-Obama-releases-college-records.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Anybody out there find this REAAAALLLLY ANNNOYYING and A WASTE OF TIME?
Disney REALLY should sue the *beeep* out of him for using Donald Duck ‘s name, likeness and PERSONALITY without permission and TWISTED the Friendly Image Of Donald Duck.
It’s audaciously comical that Trump could actually put his money where his mouth his, and still die effing rich!
I wouldn’t count on him dying rich. He’s gone bankrupt before – and, frankly, I think he’s writing checks his mouth can’t cash.
Now I’m completely obsessed with the image of Voldemort’s face underneath Trump’s combover. I couldn’t care less what Trump has to say. If you don’t like the president’s politics fine, that’s why we don’t have a one party system, but can we stop trying to prove that he’s an evil, female foreign national? These days it’s just not enough to say you don’t agree with his politics apparently. I mean the man has terrible taste in beer but I’m not holding that against him.
Trump is a sad, loathsome creature. This has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with Trump’s pathetic ego. Fortunately, people are bored with his claims and promises. From what I could see, none of the major news networks were all that interested in his “challenge.” I even forced myself to watch Fox News for a little while after the Dumpster’s announcement and they didn’t acknowledge it.
I can ignore most ‘celebrities’ who bug me, but the two personalities that really, really ruffle my feathers are Donald Trump and Ann Coulter. Talk about arrogance in the former and misinformation in the latter. Glad to see I’m not alone in my feelings about The Donald. Great post!
You are not. And I’ll meet your Ann Coulter and raise you a Rush Limbaugh. I’m liking you more and more.
Ugh–how could I have forgotten that blow hole?…
C’mon, you’re a doctor. Our minds repress memories that are traumatic or extremely frightening. Limbaugh is like a crabby Jabba the Hut on Oxys. I’m fairly sure that both have invested heavily in gold.
Donald had better keep his money. He’s going to need it! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/23/the-donald-fired-from-trump-tower-no-longer-manger-new-york-high-rise_n_2006368.html
Oh, this is awesome. Thanks so much for sharing this, robbiecee. You just made my morning!
Well,Its official.The Panthers defeated The Redskins with a winning score of 21-13.Sooooo…according to The Redskin Rule, Romney would win this election. Here’s what the Redskins Rule means: If the Redskins win their last home game before the presidential election, then the incumbent party retains the White House. If the Redskins lose, then the incumbent party is voted out.Hey, its real,just google it and If this is proven true for the election ,than its officially very creepy.
That’s not a rule; it’s a coincidence. If anyone votes for Romney as a result of this “rule,” then they deserve him for president…and the havoc that is sure to follow.
Is it too early to start an Impeach Romney campaign. Just in case.
We can probably hold off for a week or so…
IT IS OFFICIAL !!!OBAMA WON!!
Congratulations to The Dems out there.Hope The Rep and the Dem can get together now and start rebuilding USA.
W Obama ! I’m with you!
Don’t feel lonely ,I’m with you,too!
Doin’ the happy dance…
Obviously Obama has a secret plot to convert all the world’s tapioca in to a neutron bomb which he will use to destroy all the white people.
OBVIOUSLY.
I despise whatever this guy has to say. He should be thankful for having money. If he wasn’t rich, God only knows what people could have done to a person like that. Who gives a damn about his big secret…
Amen! You’re preaching to the choir! I’ve never seen such a case of narcissistic personality disorder. Of course, that could be because I’m not a psychologist…
Anyone out there who is a psychologist? What’s your take on Trump?