Dear Mitt:
When you have gazillions of dollars and no job, you aren’t “unemployed.” You’re “retired.”
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
London is an international, financial hub with a port, the first underground rail system and nearly 8 million people. Salt Lake City is dot on a map with a lake, a genealogical library and less than 200,000 people. Don’t get them confused again.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
I know the trees in London look like they’re exactly the right height, but don’t say that out loud.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
When someone offers you a cookie, EAT THE FUCKING COOKIE.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
The first rule of MI6 is – you do not talk about MI6.
The second rule of MI6 is – you do not talk about MI6.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
No matter how busy you are, show up when your wife’s horse is competing in the fucking Olympics. Douchebag.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
If you want some street cred, don’t drive a Cadillac. Buy a Chevy.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
If corporations are people, can I marry one? Can you also explain how to tell the difference between a male corporation and a female corporation?
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
You say your dog rides on the roof of your car because it likes fresh air. I suspect Seamus enjoys fresh air that gusts at a leisurely 5 to 10 m.p.h. – not at the speed of tropical storm force winds.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
When you said, “There were a couple of times I wondered whether I was going to get a pink slip,” you were talking about the certificate of title for a car, weren’t you?
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt,
You went to Harvard. Obama went to Harvard. Stop bringing up Harvard. Nobody cares – except for other pretentious pricks who went to Harvard.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
Foreign tax shelters = good financial planning for anyone NOT running for President.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
If you’re really unemployed as you like to say, then how can you create jobs in our country? You can’t find a job yourself.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
You promised the Brits that you would return the bust of Winston Churchill to the White House. In order to return the bust of Winston Churchill to the White House, it has to be, erm, missing. In fact, it sits outside The Treaty Room.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
Abraham Lincoln (the dude’s whose bust you want to remove from the Oval Office) once said, ““Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” This is great wisdom. In other words, “Shut up!”
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
Even your magic underwear can’t get you elected.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
We’re not laughing at you; we’re laughing near — nope, we’re definitely laughing at you!
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
Based on your warm reception and overwhelming success in winning over the British this week, perhaps you should rest on your laurels and stay away from Jerusalem. Please. Things are bad enough as it is.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
You’ve said that if you were President, you would strengthen the military so that we could be safe here in the U.S. If you believe in a strong military, why did you request and receive a religious deferment to avoid going to Vietnam?
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
When the British papers labeled you “Mitt the Twit,” it wasn’t because you’re good at Tweeting.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
I realize it can be difficult to remember the names of all 50 states, but Mexico and India are not part of the U.S. So stop sending jobs there.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
If you were a Smurf, your name would be Clueless Smurf. And Azreal would have eaten you by now.
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt:
Mormons shouldn’t throw stones at glass Mosques.
xo
CCL
***
Dear Mitt:
Did you bet Rick Perry $10,000 because you knew deep down that he couldn’t count higher than two?
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt,
When you meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, don’t bring him a copy of The Book of Mormon or call him The Whore of Babylon if he refuses to read it.
x0
CCL
***
Dear Mitt,
I understand that you aren’t willing to rule out waterboarding for accused terrorists, but why did you have to torture America the Beautiful?
xo
CCL
Dear Mitt,
Retiring retroactively as the CEO and sole share-holder of a corporation is like pointing at one of your kids, then insisting, “No, I pulled out. I pulled out!”
xo
CCL
***
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Funnier In Writing 
Good stuff. Didn’t expect you to turn political! How about this?
Dear Mitt,
The Republicans who support you for being religious haven’t googled ‘Mormon’ yet.
xo
Bwhaahaahaa! Excellent! I’m a secret political whore.
Me too. Well, not so secret.
When you write a humor column, you either have to go political all the way or just tip your toe in the pool occasionally. If you read some of my older posts, my political leanings are pretty clear and take a few jabs every now and again. In this case, Mitt was simply too gaffeable to ignore.
*love* it! Say on, sister!
Thanks, Teena! Go Obama!
This was awesome. My Somali captures were lfao so hard, they spit Brussels sprouts out through their noses. Great post!
PKC
I had a feeling this was right up your alley!
Here I was feeling full of myself because you often sign your comments to me “XO, CCL” Now I see I’m no better than Mitt in your eyes. So hurtful, yet humorous.
But I meant it sarcastically when I wrote it to Mitt. Not the case with you!
besides, upon further inspection, i noticed that mine were in caps, so…its all good
Oh, Cristy, too funny. My daughter and I were just having a phone conversation about Mitt and the Anglo Saxon remark that someone in his camp spewed. This post made me laugh, and as always, your captions were hysterical.
I should have included a letter about that one! There was just so much material to work with. You know Mitt…he’s a gaffe a minute!
These were great!
If you know how to knit, a pair of “mittens” with his face on them would be amazing.
Awesome. I, erm, outsource that work to India and get back to you with a result soon.
Dear Mittens,
Please read the nice lady’s post. If you can get your head out of your ass.\
A voter.
PS Having one of your sons enlist in the military would be nice. Instead of sitting around talking about you.
Why should they enlist in the military when good ‘ol dad didn’t?
You should write these up and mail them in. Though, they would probably never make it anywhere near him. I’m sure he gets a summary of “important messages” from his staff.
I could write them on scrolls and have them delivered thusly. It will be like he’s getting the next Ten Commandments.
I would pay to see that. I would even supply the paper with slightly worn edges and sand. For some reason, I feel there should be sand.
Definitely, under his feet and in the scrolls…like we just dug ’em up.
I am so glad I swallowed (my coffee) prior to beginning my read. These were perfectly on point.
Me too…it sucks to ruin your laptop before you’ve even finished a cup of coffee.
i loved this. i would like to add…
dear mitt,
when you beat up a gay schoolmate of yours by leading the group who held him to the ground and cut off all his hair, don’t try to cover this up by saying, “i don’t remember.” that makes me think there were MANY times you bullied the gay kid by leading a group that held him down and cut off his hair. so many times that you can’t possibly keep them straight. just say, “i did it. i was an a-hole of a kid. i’m sorry.” a grown man says i’m sorry, mitt. they just do.
xxxx,
sweet mo
Oooooooooooooooh. Did that really happen? What a mo-fo!
First of all, Daniel Craig can talk about anything he wants to me…though if he pouts his lips I might laugh a little while he’s doing it.
I also like Sweet Mother’s letter. A grown man does say I’m sorry. However, a grown politician says, “I don’t remember.” It’s all about deniable plausibility. Doing the right thing rarely enters into the equation. Yes, I am completely jaded about politics in general.
I knew I liked you.
CC,
This is freaking HYSTERICAL. A glimpse of things to come, I hope, with the Repulican National Circus moving your way. Just so you know, I’m Freshly Pressing this, and as soon as I hack into the Munchkin Land-like domain where the WP editors do their creepy stuff behind magic curtain #2, you’ll be the first to know.
xoxo
BB
GG
I worked really hard to keep my tags down!
Oops, I forget the “p” in the “pub” of Republican. It’s always been incredibly hard for me to type that word.
Hahahahahaha
I had a different image of Azrael in my mind so I did a internet search. I found out that Azrael is the angel of death in Chrisitian and Jewish mythology. So I learned something new as a result of your blog. In a search of “Azrael smurfs” I found more relevant information to my query. In the cartoon Azrael was descended from Egyptian royalty (cat royalty). Azrael has also been portrayed as both a brown and a orange cat. My memories were still wrong as I was thinking he was a black cat. Its been a long time since I watched the smurfs. The smurfs were just a show I watched because there wasn’t anything better on. Not exactly practical knowledge, just another tid bit making another brain wrinkle.
I also had somewhat disturbing images of Mitt and wife in a large magazine centerfold wearing magic underwear. We should hold a caption contest for that.
Dear CCL:
Pleez dont make meen remarks about Me. I could bee the next Presidente of the Younited States of “A”, eh?
Sinshirley,
Mitt R.
PS: You no howto get Seemiss to stop humping my legs?
Dear Mitt,
Stop borrowing Lady Gaga’s dress and Seamus will leave you alone. I have no other help to offer you.
xo
CCL
Loved reading this 🙂
This is great CCL, I think Jon Stewart would give it a ringing endorsement. I loved it as always.
Do you have an in with Jon? Tell him to call me, would ya? He’s gonna be in my neck of the woods soon and I think we need to drink together.
unfortunately no, but I wholeheartedly agree that he is near the top of any list of who would be cool to have drinks with.
And he’s gonna be in MY town for at least 4 days!!!!!!!!
And he’s gonna be in MY town for at least 4 days!!!!!!!! Not just in my town, but in my HOOD!
Freaking hilarious! I love the last one… no, wait, the one about the dog… and waterboarding… and staying away from Isreal. Thanks for the laughs, I hope this makes the front page of something as the election grows near–
Please share it with your friends and let’s get it there!
Love this!!
Thanks so much! Come back and visit again!
Reblogged this on righting and commented:
This girl can write some letters!
Fuck yeah.
Oh, Miss Snarky Pants, this was hilarious (and informative)! I’d like to add that the most compelling reason for not voting for this clown is that his first name is actually “Willard.” You can try to soften up that horrific moniker by adding a fun, softball accessory as a middle name, but the the fact of the matter is that he’s still a Willard in his soul, and Willards are always creepy.
Love your new place! Honored (like Purple Heart honored) to be on your blogroll. Mostly, I can’t believe that I told you I’d have to buy some Depends before coming over here, then read at the end of your post that you advise the same thing. Are we ESPeeing?
Very pissable.