Award Posts Make Me Want To Become A Ward Of The State Penitentiary

I’m a terrible person. If Jennifer Aniston had married me (which would have been creepy because she doesn’t have a penis), when we finally divorced and I posed for photos with Angelina Jolie (not nearly as creepy because I’m pretty sure she does have a penis), she would have told the press in that whiny manner of hers that I have a sensitivity chip missing. Blog success came early, along with the accolades that often accompany this lowly profession (erm, if profession means something I do to while away the hours after I’ve completely emptied my bottle of Ketel One each morning) and, as a result, I’ve been uninterested remiss in acknowledging and responding to some of the lovely awards that have been bestowed upon me by my fellow bloggers.

Most recently, five bloggers have acknowledged my literary diarrhea prowess with five different awards: The Sunshine Award, The Most Perspiring Blogging Award, The Versatile Blogger Award, The Kreative Blogger Award, and The Tag! You’re It honor (which isn’t technically an award, but I believe it was conferred upon me in the spirit of admiration, which equals award, in my book.) As many of my peers have been doing of late, I am combining my responses to these honors into one big ‘ol Crock Pot of grateful goulash.

The Sunshine Award

This award – which resembles one of those oversized prints you’d buy at Ikea for your first grown-up apartment – was granted to me by the wickedly funny Kathy V. over at Don’t Forget To Feed The Baby. I have a deep, abiding love for Ms. V. and her child, Sausage. How could you not adore a woman who refers to to her baby by the pet name that some ladies have for the male bit of genitalia that caused them to have an infant in the first place? Imagine Sausage at eighteen. It’s his third date with a non-sorority type girl because, even though he’s a Harvard man, he likes chicks with a little edge to them. He’s hoping to score and the opportunity arises when Lisbeth (yes, her mother just loved The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) asks him about his childhood nickname. He tells her with a wink, “Sausage.” Guess who’s gonna be doing the white man’s overbite that night. I know…you can’t wait to read this blog now, can you?

Rules:

1. Link back to the amaze-balls blogger who nominated you. (I hope three links are sufficient, Kathy V.)

2. Answer 10 questions about yourself.

3. Nominate other bloggers (which I will do at the end of this post) for this award.

Questions:

1. What is your favorite bad habit? Not recycling. Why is this my job? The recycling companies make good money doing it. I’m sure with that money that they can afford large kitchens or a garage with plenty of room for separate bins for glass, plastic, and paper. I don’t have a garage. I recently downsized from a three bedroom house with a screened porch and an oversized garage to a two bedroom condo with a rather small kitchen and one space in an uncovered parking lot. The storage is so limited I’ve stashed the turkey platter in the guest bedroom closet because there isn’t enough room in the kitchen cupboards. This means I sure as hell don’t have room for a triad of stinky bins in my kitchen. Recycling is a great idea and the people who profit from it should be willing to sort through my damn garbage to locate recyclable materials. Have at it!

2. How old are you? Emotionally, I’d say I’m stuck somewhere between nine and fifteen, thanks to childhood incidents like this and this. Realistically, I’m my age minus ten or fifteen because the creators of South Park remain my heroes, along with Notorious RBG (which adds a few years), and I’m dying to have Seth McFarland over for sex while he’s doing Stewie’s voice martinis and dinner with the hubby.

3. What is your favorite time of day?  The time when the sky glows like a Maxfield Parrish painting.

4. What is your favorite time of year? Any holiday that will make the Oompa Loompa its mascot, so none at this time.

5. Who is your favorite dead celebrity? Lady Jane Grey. If you don’t think she’s a “celebrity,” you’re wrong. She was Queen of England for nine days. That outranks Whitney Houston being a crack head for nine years.

6. What is your favorite Christmas movie? The Amazing Mr. Blunden. All my British readers are cheering right now. Also, the annual Dr. Who Christmas special. My British readers are now toasting my name in pubs. I’m busy not blinking. Erm, help.

7. Who is your favorite philosopher? My cat, Magellan. His personal philosophy is:

• Wait on me hand and foot;
• Feed me when I so demand;
• Pet me where I want, when I want and for as long as I want;
• Your bed is my bed;
• My butthole aroma is so amazing, you should sniff long and hard when I grant you an audience with it;
• If you’re eating something, I may want to eat it too and am entitled, so fucking share;
• You may not close random doors without my permission;
• You’re more interesting to me when typing on the computer or reading;
• Don’t mock me with your pathetic attempt at my language. Your accent is humiliating;
• You are a piece of furniture to me, and
• I own you…not the other way around.

8. What was your favorite vacation? They’re in the past. My favorite vacay is always the next one.

9. What is your favorite physical activity? Really?

10. What is your favorite thing? I’m gonna go with Thing 2.

The Most Perspiring Blogger Award

This recently-developed award was conferred upon me by the uber literary Freddy over at FreddyFlow. If you’re into poetry and a little fiction, this blog is your scene. You should also buy a beret and learn to snap. However, be careful with this Freddy character. I tend to perspire during exercise which makes me think that Freddy may be spying on me during my yoga classes. Freddy, are you the dude in pink sweatpants who always sits in the corner and picks the fluff from between his toes when he’s supposed to be meditating? I’m on to you, brother.

Rules:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you. Yo, Freddy. Thanks for the props. Now stay 30 yards away from me…just like the restraining order requires.

2. Add a photo of the award. I’m assuming Mr. Pits up there is the official award graphic.

3. Nominate every blogger you’ve ever read, seen…erm, whoa. Yeah, I don’t think so. I don’t need yer stinkin’ rules! You’re not the boss of me.

4. Share seven random slanders about your significant other. Now you folks know I don’t go in for Hubby-bashing, so I figured I would, instead, slander Freddy.

Seven Random Slanderous Statements About Freddy (Actually, they’re libelous since they’re in printed form. Just sayin’, Freddy…)

1.  Freddy has been known to don a fake graying mustache and beard in order to get the free senior citizen coffee at McDonalds.

2. Freddy likes to bathe in the tears of dead baby seals.

3. Freddy dated Pink, but they broke up when he refused to dye his hair and be known to the world as Aquamarine.

4. Freddy is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for having released the stinkiest fart on record. It took three tries for Freddy to gain the title as the first two Guinness teams died of asphyxiation.

5. Freddy considers himself a Log Cabin Republican because of his childhood fascination with Lincoln Logs.

6.  Freddy’s promising career as a rodeo clown was cut short by a chronic hemorrhoid condition.

7. Freddy’s lifelong dream is to appear in an episode of Wife Swap.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Sensible Susan, who blogs under the same name, conferred this award upon me. It’s one I don’t really understand. I’ve won it several times (notice how that just rolled off my keyboard nonchalantly) and the title seems to suggest that I’m merely good at writing about a variety of things. You know, like a sixth grader who is given a new essay topic every week by his English teacher. But Sensible Susan likely appreciates that skill as she is a practical sort who pens the kind of blog that you should be reading if you’re like me – the kind of person who’s afraid of mail. With tips on everything from managing your money to games you can play while traveling in the car, this chick makes being sensible almost cool. When one of these awards is the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay or a Pulitzer, I’ll probably hire Sensible Susan to run my life for me. Until then, I give the mail my best Dirty Harry look as I throw a blanket over it and scamper into another room.

Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you. Oh, Sensible Susan, thank you for this great kindness you have bestowed upon me. I must warn you that reading my blog is not a sensible or practical activity to engage in. You should know better. This is time suckage at its peak.

2. Link back to that person’s blog. I did. I did. I did. I did.

3. Select 15 (WTF!?!) bloggers to nominate for this award. Fine! But I’m doing it – just once – at the end of this post.

4. Reveal 7 things about myself.

7 Things About The Taller Than Average Woman:

1. I am taller than average.

2. I am a woman.

3. I have a blog.

4. I won the Versatile Blogger Award.

5. My meanderings are paltry.

6. I write in English.

7. I just completed a list of 7 things about myself.

Kreative Blogger Award

Leah over at Inspirations and Memories was kind enough to nominate me for this award. Since there was no actual award graphic to post, I assumed that it was a test. After all, it is the Kreative-with-a-K  Blogger Award. Thus, instead of the typical award graphic, I’ve published a photo of one of my artist mother’s mosaic clocks – because she is extremely kreative. Yes, it’s for sale. Yes, it’s covered in awesome sauce. Yes, you can contact me if you want to buy it. When you’re done making out the check, visit Inspirations and Memories and fall in love with this blogger’s gorgeous photography. I believe you can even purchase a calendar on her site – or maybe it’s a burro. I’m not sure which, but I’m fairly sure it’s one of the two.

Rules:

1. Yes, we know…thank the person who nominated you for the award. Thanks, Leah!!!!!!!!!!

2. Bet you can guess this one, too. If not, you’re a retard. I’m sorry. It had to be said. Link to that person’s blog. Done!

3. List 7 Interesting Facts About Yourself. (See above: 7 Things About The Taller Than Average Woman)

4. Nominate 7 other bloggers. Where do you look to find their names? That’s right…at the end of this post! You guys are catching on quickly.

Tag! You’re It! Honor

The groovy chick who writes I Can’t High Five tagged me for this kinda-but-not-really-award-because-it-doesn’t-contain-the-word-award. I suspect that she nominated me for this award honor because we both have irrational fears on inanimate objects, mine being mail and hers being mashed potatoes. Stop laughing. It’s true and it’s not funny. You have no idea how difficult it is to live with these kind of phobias. Especially considering I deliver mail for a living. Not really. But that’d be a good premise for a crappy sitcom. You know, like a drug-addicted doctor or a vampire who faints at the sight of blood. I was actually really psyched about being tagged by I Can’t High Five because she’s brilliant and hilarious and quirky and phobic and she can’t high five. What’s not to love about this chick? Except for the fact that she’s making me answer ELEVEN questions about myself and then create ELEVEN more. I’m pretty sure there were fewer questions on the bloody bar exam.

Rules:

1. Thank the douchebag blogger who tagged you and link back to their blog. Done!

2. Answer the 11 questions posed to you by the tagging blogger. See below.

3. Create 11 new questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer. Look even further down. No, further.

4.  Tag eleven bloggers with a link to your post. I’ll tag as many as I damn well please!

11 Tag Questions Answered By Me:

1. What’s the one city in the world that you’ve always wanted to visit and why? Ethnicity. For years, I lived in a town so white, you had to take off your shoes and leave them at the County line or risk tracking color into the community.

2. What’s your biggest fear? Mail.

3. Have you ever seen a ghost? I’m not sure. Let me check.

Me: Matt, is that you over there in the recliner or did you die in the bathroom and are appearing to me now as a ghostly apparition?

Matt: Huh?

I’m gonna go with no on this one.

4. What is your guilty pleasure? Sex with Kim Jong-un. It’s okay; he’s my free fuck!

5. If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what animal would it be? A unicorn that shits rainbows that have real pots of gold at their bases with nary a leprechaun in sight. Or, in the alternative, Vladimir Putin.

6. Are you a dog or a cat person? Neither. I possess no canine or feline DNA. Can I change the answer to Question 5 and say that I’d like a Cat Person as a pet? I’m willing to bet a Cat Person wouldn’t require walking, could open it’s own can of Friskies and would prefer pooping in the toliet. Sleeping between Hubby and I would be out of the question though.

7. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? To grow a mustache that I could remove in one piece and transplant onto the face of my dear friend, Transman.

8. What’s your favourite song of all  time? Yes, folks. Favourite was spelled the British way, so I’m going to go with a song that isn’t by anyone remotely British. Fish Heads by Barnes & Barnes.

9. When you were young, what did you plan to be when you grew up? An orphan. What? Who wants to die before their parents do?

10. Chips and salad or roast potatoes and vegetables? That’s the silliest question I’ve ever heard. Who eats chips with salad? “Yes, please. I’d like a Cobb salad with a side of blue cheese dressing and a bag of Doritos.”

11. If you won a million dollars, what would you do/buy first? Hire someone to determine the most fiscally and personally responsible answer to this question, ignore half of it and have a covered porch built for our kitties (as us) to enjoy. New Docs, too.

11 Questions For The Nominees:

1. Do you ever have that not-so-fresh feeling?

2. How often do you beat your children?

3. If you hired a little person, what chore would you require him or her to do daily?

4. How many fingers am I holding up?

5. What’s the worst gift a loved one ever gave you?

6. If you didn’t have to work, how many times a week would you really shower?

7. What’s the one thing in your home that you wouldn’t want your grandmother/mother to find?

8. If you had a catchphrase, what would it be?

9. Who is the most evil person you know and how would you destroy them in a perfect world?

10. What is the meaning of life? Explain in seven words or less.

11. If you were a cartoon character, which one would you be?

The Nominees

The following bloggers have been nominated and tagged for all of the above awards. Please, get off your knees. A simple thank you is enough. Have some dignity, man! They can choose to respond to these accolades in whatever manner they decide. For example, they can accept only one, ignore them all, or refuse to name future nominees. However, if they do anything less than respond to each and every one of these as I have done, I will think them a pussy. Who’s going to be first in line for a saucer of milk?

As I’ve awarded some of my close blogging buds awards like these in the past (and I’d like to maintain those friendships), I’m not going to nominate the likes of Gemini Girl In A Random World, the book of alice, The Kitchen Slattern Speaks, the adventures of transman, Jumping in Mud Puddles or Live Clay. No need to thank me, my friends. Instead, I shall slather a load of horse shit my attention and words of adulation on other bloggers who deserve a little recognition.

And the nominees are:

1. The Chronicles of Creepy Pants: This blogger is the real deal when it comes to short stories – especially if you’re a little on the perverse side. I suspect that if Neil Gaiman knew you this guy existed, he’d be a subscriber.

2. Retention: Fantastic artist – I aspire to be able to afford to collect her work. A truly honest, sincere and interesting blogger. Check her out!

3. ksnapped: Very funny writer who recently hosted a Hunger Games party and knows how to wield a crossbow. You want her on your side in any dystopian scenario. Hello…zombies? Make a friend of her immediately!

4. Life With Blondie: I just love this girl because she’s so damned hilarious and optimistic – even though she has more kids than Octomom. A natural storyteller, you’ll just fall in love with this blogger, her life and her way of looking at it.

5. In Harsh Light: Specifically, Richard Sanchez, the editor of this all-things-good-in-entertainment-review blog. If you’ve read the Comments section of my posts, you’ve probably observed the mutual lovefest going on between the two of us. I revere his writing ability, sublime taste in music, brilliant wit and interest in zombies. Please run with this one, my friend. I can’t wait to hear your answers to these questions. This is a blog you MUST subscribe to. Period.

6. lostnchina: At first glance, you might think this is a travel blog or one of the gazillions of sites dedicated to simply living abroad. Nope. This lady is ridunkulously high-sterical. Sharing her experiences with you as a Chinese-Canadian who now lives and works in China, she takes you to places you wouldn’t expect to go…like the toilet stall. In particular, the best toilet stalls in her part of the city and why. Reading her blog will make you feel worldly, smarter and laugh-at-loud happier.

7. Anastasia from the Ashes: Just go to her blog and read her EZ Cliff Notes version of Fifty Shades of Grey. If you haven’t choked on whatever you were drinking (and I hope it wasn’t Ketel One because I hate to see good alcohol go to waste) or pissed your pants by the time your done, you were born without a sense of humor and should probably register Republican and become a fucking accountant.

8. 1pointperspective: You should all be so lucky to have a blogging friend like this guy. In addition to being a wonderfully supportive and loyal reader of mine, his posts are alternatively literary, mirthful and side-splitting; the first installment in his Seven Deadly Sins series remains one of my favorite blog posts to this day. His star is on the rise.

9. Sweet Mother: If there’s a blogger out there who doesn’t need a pat on the back from me, it’s Sweet Mother. A professional comedian whose name remains a closely-guarded secret, Sweet Mother is the single most prolific and consistently funny blogger I’ve encountered in the blogosphere. If you don’t know about her already, then we need to talk because you should know that we have a black President and Steve Jobs is dead. I’ll catch you up on other important news later. I suspect she is tight with any number of celebs, but she manages to plop out hilarious, yet humble, endearing and genuine posts as easily as a migrant farm worker plops out newborns in a tomato field. She’s got something, and I doubt it will be long before the world is scrambling to know her identity and put her on television, so subscribe now so you can claim you read her blog way before she was famous.

10. sweet and weak: His blog premise is simple: he gives you something sa-weet and something totally weak. Well-written, insightful and witty, his blog is just one of those staples in my Reader that I try not to miss if at all possible. Plus, you gotta love the guy; he’s just a really nice person. Oh, and getting Freshly Pressed two or three times doesn’t happen to bloggers who suck. Read him! Follow him! Find out his secrets and report back to me!

11. brian westbye: The guy is a Renaissance man and I’m proud to say that he’s a lovely, new friend of mine. One of those perks of the blogosphere is getting to know amazing people across the globe who become friends and many of the people I’ve listed fall into that category. His most recent poem gave me chills. Forget awesome sauce; it’s deep-fried amaze-balls. You’ll adore him!

12. Fathead Follies: I LOVE this chick. Seriously, if I had one eye, was legless and had flippers for arms, this woman would make me laugh my ass off…even though I wouldn’t have much body to spare. I don’t know what that meant, but it was definitely a compliment. A woman after my own heart, this blogger is a true smartass. I’m pretty sure that instead of bone marrow, she has snark embedded in her femur. Leukemia would rather go after Chuck Norris than deal with this funny, fiery redhead. Smart move, leukemia.

13. Korean Bodega: Read her post on getting a facial in Flushing – it’s priceless! Then read all of her other posts. Phenomenal writer and story teller. Innately funny. Love this blogger!

14. Bharatwrites: A scary smart dude from Mumbai. When I say scary smart, I mean freakishly smart. How freakishly smart? He voluntarily edited a chapter of my book for me. I’m not sure how a guy for whom English is likely a second language is managing to make me a better writer, but his suggestions are good. Random House editor good. And don’t assume that because he’s a nerd – and he is a nerd (takes one to know one) – that he likes The Big Bang Theory or Star Wars, because he doesn’t. I forgive him both of these trespasses. You can’t put this blogger in a box, so just subscribe to his posts and wallow in his glory.

15. misslisted: This Seattle mom and yogi recently made a blip on my radar, so I checked out her blog and she’s got some serious writing chops. I’ve just subscribed to her musings – and we all know my taste in the written word is beyond reproach – so brew a cup of joe to get you in a soggy, Seattle blog-reading mood and allow Chris to bring a little sunshine into your life. She loves words the way I love bacon…and I’m now a vegan. Damn, I miss bacon. I hope it remembers to write.

Okay, nominees, I’ve waxed sentimental about your writing and/or funny bones; now it’s time to prove yourself worthy of my adulation and whip up acceptance posts that will make Sally Field embarrassed that she just didn’t shut up after the first, “You like me!” And don’t go posting photos of these awards all over your blog because it’s much cooler to be blasé about the whole thing. When people ask you where are all your awards, just casually say, “Oh, I don’t know. I was using one to hold extra rolls of toilet paper for awhile, but I haven’t seen it lately. Maybe in the garage?”

Oh, and if any of yous wise guys get any funny idears about nominatin’ me fer any more awards real soon like, think again. I might just off one of yous and escape to the state pen where a broad like me only has to worry about becomin’ Big Bertha’s bitch and gettin’ all tingly in that there ‘lectric chair. Both are better than havin’ to dos all that friggin’ cuttin’ and pastin’ links to all yous blogs out there. Fuggheddabout answerin’ all them questions. Like yous the friggin’ D.A. And if I do end up in da Big House, don’t even think about sendin’ me any mail.

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