Humor

Stealing From Alice

You’re Not Likely To Find A Button Manufactured Extolling The Fact That London Bridge Is Falling Down. Cootie Shots Are Serious Business.

Today, I’m cheating. I’m stealing the book of alice’s format right out from under her, just this once. Why? Because I met the most hilarious 7 year old boy at an Independence Day pool party this afternoon.

Dripping wet and shivering, Freddie was searching for a dry towel.

Me: Do you want to use one of my towels? They’re dry.

Freddie: No.

Me: Why not? I promise, I don’t have cooties.

Freddie: I know, but I don’t want to give you cooties.

Me: Oh, I doubt you have any cooties. Haven’t you had your cootie shot?

Freddie: Huh?

Me: (taking Freddie’s arm in my hand, I draw two circles then poke him with my finger tip twice) Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got your cootie shot.

Freddie: (a look of humor mixed with a healthy dose of disdain on his chocolate-smudged face) What is that? Some kind of baby rhyme?

Erm…yeah. If baby rhyme means the desperate attempt of a 43 year old woman to make a recent first grade graduate laugh, that’s what I was doing. But he did ask for my digits so that he can rap for me on the phone.  And when a kid wearing  at least eleven different shades of glitter nail polish on his fingers and toes, with blue and reds stripes in his dark blonde hair offers to throw down some rhymes for you, the only correct response is Hell, yeah!

Watch out, Jack White. Freddie’s about to make you irrelevant.

***

Please follow me on Facebook by clicking here because it’s the only way you’ll ever find out if I suddenly die of a brain aneurysm. I mean, I’m not going to blog about it from the grave. And wouldn’t you feel like a shit for cussing me out because I hadn’t posted in weeks or months and it turned out I was dead. And leaving a cheap ass bouquet of grocery store carnations at my grave isn’t going to make it okay. I mean, I’m pretty mellow on Earth, but who knows what will happen when I pop off. An evil, vengeance is mine attitude could make an appearance and you don’t want me wreaking havoc upon you from whatever version of Hell I’m in. After all, I’ll probably be in a lousy mood and I could end up taking it out on your fine china and crystal.

43 thoughts on “Stealing From Alice

  1. Cristy,
    Freddie went back home, called his friends and said: This gigantic Optimus Prime-like grown-up lady held my arms without my consent and poked me. Somehow, she thought it was funny.

    In ten years from now, we’ll learn that Freddie will have developed a fear of giants.
    Le Clown

      1. Thank you, dear! Though I’m still not as good at the brief, pithy stories like you are. I bow to the master. Your blog is like a perfect, peanut butter cookie with fork marks in the top sprinkled with just the right amount of sugar…delicious, nutritious and sweet.

      2. If you ahd a living, breathing idea-generator in your home that required constant care, you too would master the short but pithy story.

        And thanks for the analogy, but can I be another kind of cookie? A fortune cookie, perhaps? One that could, say, take care of a certain student loan?

  2. Cooties! The dreaded mark of social misfits in 1st grade classrooms everywhere (at least they were, back in the day).

    I don’t recall ever getting a cootie shot. I think I just suffered with them until someone else caught them, at which point, I would point at them as if identifying a witch in Salem, Mass. and shriek at how gross they were for having cooties. I’m certain I was never cool enough to warrant an innoculation.

    Well…who’s laughing now, cool kids? I’m an all-grown up big deal man with my own car and a blog!

    Though sometimes I worry that “writing a blog” is the adult 2012 version of having cooties. God I hope not.

    1. That and all those mothers out there who are against immunizations. “Don’t give my kid a cootie shot! He’ll become autistic.” It’s actually the opposite; if you don’t allow your child to have a cootie shot, he’ll be ostracized by his entire class and will eventually learn to do complex math equations in his head and drive around in a car with Tom Cruise. I don’t have to tell you what a dangerous combination that can be.

      1. Wait til you have a gayby. You’ll have so much material. By the time he or she is Freddie’s age, I’m sure you’ll have been insulted more times than Don Rickles’ worst enemy.

      2. You had to bring up meat…during my first week of veganism. No, I’m not kidding. I ate wild rice and bean salad all day yesterday. Apparently, beans really do make you gassy.

  3. Then he went home and bragged to all of his friends that some hot tall chick was totally into him at the party, making baby talk and tickling his arm. He will be king of the 2nd grade!

      1. You have single-handedly cemented his cool guy status for the rest of his school career. Job well done. I don’t want to hear anybody say that you don’t contribute to the future of our youth.

      2. Well, I have often been told that I contribute to the delinquency of minors. What can I say? I like to do my part. Thanks for noticing. It is rare that the work I do with children is recognized.

  4. This moment will be retold from his point of view for years, and by his point of view I mean with increased exaggeration as he gets older. Freddie is a pretty sweet name.

    1. I haven’t read the challenge yet, but I’m giggling because I just finished one of those award posts and you are getting a shitload of them from me tomorrow morning. I will check out your challenge and let you know if I am up to the task. My reggie next? I’d better get you a photo…or did I already send you one?

  5. And I need the nitwit award since I just spent about half my life looking for the comments link. Which is right in plain view of course.

    Anyhow, I know that there is a meaningful, or meaninglesser, comment inside of me, but I am too mesmerized by that doodlywhop your mother created. It may be the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

    1. Thanks so much. I will pass the compliment along to her. She’s pretty darn talented. In fact, that particular clock is going into a gallery tomorrow; I expect the price tag will be in the $1,000 range. I don’t know what I’d do if someone paid me that kind of money for something I made. Thanks, again!

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