Dear Followers of My Paltry Meanderings:
As some of you may know, last week I hit a bit of a milestone. And not with my car. That was a wall and it’s really just a tiny scratch. I always thought four doors on a car was a bit bourgeois anyway.
No, as of last week, over 1,000 kool-aid swilling lemmings beautiful, intelligent folks out there with fucking amazing taste in blogs have subscribed to read my paltry meanderings. This made me feel like a rock star. No, not like Rick Astley, Kitchen Slattern – not that there is anything wrong with a little Rick-rollin’! And by “Rick-rollin’,” I don’t mean the You Tube meme; I mean dancing around the house in my underwear crooning “Never Gonna Give You Up” into the handle of my Swiffer.
But back to feeling like a rock star. I’m talking about someone like Pink. Especially when she sings the line, “So what! I’m still a rock star, I’ve got my rock moves and I don’t need you…” Except I do need you. It was you, my loyal apostles readers, who brought me to this point…dancing around in my underwear again, this time singing into my hairbrush while wearing fluffy pink pig slippers. And I just want to say, “Thank you!”
But people say “thank you” a lot. When they don’t really mean it. It’s just a thing you say when a store clerk hands you a receipt or someone holds a door open for you out of habit. It’s the phrase you spit through gritted teeth at your obnoxious co-worker who just pointed out a mathematical error you made in your TPS report during a meeting with your boss’ boss. Worst is when it’s said really snarkily – “Ohhhhhh. Thaaaaaaank Yew!” And in a blog, it’s hard to know what kind of thank you you’re getting. Because you can’t hear me. You can’t see me. You don’t know if I’m sneering or smiling or cleaning out my toe jam to save in a jar for tomorrow’s breakfast when I say, “Thank you!”
So, in an effort to prove the sincerity of my thank you, I have decided to turn over the reigns of my paltry meandering brain to you, my servile lackeys subscribers, for a single post. Instead of writing about what I want to babble about for 2000+ words, I’m going to write about a topic that you assign to me. But there are over 1,000 of you.
Thus, the Tell The Taller Than Average Woman What To Prattle On About Next Contest has been created. Between now and Tuesday, May 8, 2012 at 5 p.m. E.S.T., you can submit up to 5 topics in the Comments Section below for me to pen a blog post about. Topics can be broad (Kim Kardashian’s ass) or extremely specific (the amoeba who lives on the mole on Kim Kardashian’s left butt cheek). Nothing is forbidden, although any requests from Stacie Chadwick, my blogging bestie and uber-attractive author of the high-larious blog, Gemini Girl in A Random World, to write about her naturally gorgeous face and fit body will be utterly ignored.
I will be the sole judge, though I will likely consult with my hubby and/or a psychic, the homeless drag queen who dresses to the nines while pushing her shopping cart down the street adjacent to my condo, and the bottom of my crystal wineglass. Especially that last one. I may have to consult it daily. Several times. Bottles of wine that mysteriously show up on my doorstep with a worshiper’s subscriber’s name attached will not be considered…a bribe. Particularly if they are bottles of pinot grigio or a nice, unoaked chardonnay with a high alcohol content.
The lucky winner, of course, will be featured prominently in my post with a link to their blog. And a photo should they opt to send me one. Unless they’re ugly. I mean, it really wouldn’t do either of us any good to have a photo of an ugly blogger included in my post. Unless, of course, the winner is unusually ugly. People are drawn to freaks like handcuffs are drawn to Lindsay Lohan’s wrists.
And now without further ado, let the games commence!
Your Humble Blogger,
CCL
P.S. Part II of Yoga Is Not A Character In Star Wars will be published Monday morning. Set your alarm clock. It’s going to be a great day. Unless you’re me. I think I may have pulled something.
Funnier In Writing 
Alternative uses for toilet seat covers…or, you know, war in the middle east.
How you achieved goddess status in the blogosphere would be a wonderful post for those of us who aspire to blog greatness.
congrats….wwwwwwooooo-hoo, 1,000 is amaze-balls. i will come up with some ideas for sure…hold on tho, let me think…xo, sm
I’m a tall woman as well and would love to hear thots on why all the tall men are taken by short women so that the tall women are left with short men.
Great idea. I’ll certainly consider it. In the meantime, if you haven’t read “5 Reasons Why God Loves Short People Best” already, you would probably enjoy it. They have minions – short people do, that is – and it’s so not fair. Every tall person should read this. https://paltrymeanderings.com/2012/01/25/5-reasons-why-god-loves-short-people-best/
Good one, me too! Is it the Rescuer Syndrome? The Hero Syndrome (which both seem to require vulnerable, manageable, travel-sized rescue-ees)? And while we’re at it, what’s the appeal of the Heroin Poster Child Short Woman — bedraggled, super skinny, braless, dirty blonde? Motorcycle boots with no socks? I don’t get it. Ok Cristy, I have to think about this but right now I have to put on my motorcycle boots and take my kid to her volunteer gig. More later. Contrats on the stats! That’s the beginning of a haiku, I can feel it.
And not a bad suggestion: The Allure of the Heroin Poster Child. Hmmm.
If you write this, you must write about why short men are superior mates. Even if you have to make up statistics.
It goes without saying that if i had an idea for a good blog topic, I would’ve written about it myself, and poorly enough to disgust writers such as you who could’ve done a much better job of it, but were too busy collecting followers to have time to wrack your lovely brain over topics to write about. Make sense?
So, in keeping with my not having any original ideas, I’m going to suggest that you write about your grandparents and their tendency to put bacon grease where it didn’t belong, and sipping their tea out of short glasses. I admit that this topic is not 100 percent my own, OK, zero percent, I stole it from someone who posted it in a quasi-public domain.
For the record, i have a delightful Pinot Gris from the Willamette Valley which I think you’ll find to be lively and unpretentious. Should Ileave it under the doormat or stash it in the hibiscus?
Stash it in the center of the aloe plant next to door. The general spikiness of the plant will deter any lushes in the building.
Hopefully no one comes looking for a few stalks of aloe for a recent burn from the toaster oven and happens on the vino. I’m glad you didn’t opt for the doormat, that’s just an ankle sprain waiting to happen.
With your mind and my profile pic? The possibilities are limitless. I have some seriously awesome ideas about myself, but first I have to put in a couple of hours on my AbMaster2000 and look for a new salon. The last time I got my brows waxed at Nasty Nails it took my Vietnamese aesthetician an entire day to de-hair me and I made her cry.
I thought you had a team of gnomes who gently plucked your brows for you while you sleep. You know, the ones who work for free because you’re just so lovely to look at. Your stunning good looks are payment alone. And for a Christmas bonus, you let them read your blog posts and they bask in the glow of your brilliance. Damn you, bestie, and your perfect shampoo-model hair! Why do have to be so darned nice?
I had to fire the gnomes. My husband was getting all pervy and into elf porn plus I can’t stand competition.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get my Brazilian Blowout complete with super nutrient complex and a proprietary polymer system. Beauty doesn’t come cheap. You should know, BB.
Yes, I know. Beauty is expensive. Which is why I must be content with being smart.
I’m nominating the salt & pepper shakers. Or any of Matt’s amusing foibles. But I’d rather hear about the S&P shakers. (Uhm, sorry Matt, still love you!)
If I write about the salt and pepper shakers, you’ll have become a contributor blogger and write a post about Matt’s foibles for me. After all, you’re quite familiar with some of them. Actually, it’s hard to gather a list of foibles in my mind. Now a list of funny things he’s said and funny conversations we’ve had. That’s very doable.
The topic is simple, but you are required to answer it seriously if you can. I challenge you that you don’t know the answer.
Why do you think that 1,000 people are following your blog?
I came to you via LostinChina’s blog
I certainly don’t want to quash any topics this early in the running, but if me being serious is required, I don’t know if I can acquiesce. While this is a wonderfully existentialist question, I fear that you’re right. I have no idea. All I could offer would be uneducated, smart-ass guesses as to why all these truly awesome people give a shit about anything I have to say. If you would have told me a few months ago that I’d soon have over 1,000 people reading my paltry meanderings – even though they were not being held at gunpoint – I would have told you that you were a few bricks short of a chimney.
That said, I don’t know that you know the answer either. I’m sure you know why you’re here. Maybe you even know why the uber-talented and funny LostnChina is here. But I’m sure that everyone has a slightly different reason. In my life, I don’t think I’ve ever had the opportunity to meet and get to know – whether it be in the blogosphere, on the phone, in emails, on Twitter or on Facebook – more intellectual, talented, humorous, salacious, generous and lovely people than I have in the few months that I’ve been writing this blog. I didn’t start this blog to promote a book (not that there is anything wrong with that) or to make money. I did it on a whim. For me, this entire experience has been nothing but a win-win. If I can make some people laugh, make new friends, read about other people’s lives, and write about the most random things imaginable and get absolutely nothing else out of this, I will be completely happy. The mere fact that a prolific author like yourself is here, reading and commenting on my blog is amazing. I’m a huge YA whore, by the way – and can’t wait to read your novels. My novel is, in fact, a crossover YA/literary book.
So, if I may, I’d love to know why someone like you dropped by? Perhaps it was because someone like LostnChina liked me. Perhaps you noticed that the word “vagina” appears in my tags occasionally…but only when it’s an actual blog post topic. Perhaps it’s because I expose some of the most human parts of my life in a flasher-like manner, warts and all. Regardless, I’m happy you stopped in. I hope you come again and I’m very grateful for anyone who reads my paltry meanderings.
Okay, I’m done with this serious and sentimental nonsense. Snark mode is turned back on.
How blogging has changed my life!
I’d love to address this issue, but I’m not sure I have time. Blogging, you see, has taken over my life. Seriously, great topic.
How to deal with stupid people when they don’t know they’re stupid, a tutorial.
PS… CONGRATS!
Thank you…though your commitment took quite a bit longer than mine did. I think you should be celebrating and hosting a contest. Hmmm. How about What to Name Wandering Voiceless’ Baby? My entry is Cabbage. Can be used for a boy or a girl.
Wow congratulations! I want to see a blog about your predictions for the future of the galaxy. Go!
Oh, goody! Only if I get to consult with David Tennant on that one.
sure..why not?
Feel free to provide his private phone number if you have it. Though he’s not quite as yummy as my hubby, Mr. Tennant is seriously my type of man. How can you not love a nerd with a large sonic screwdriver.
Pervy. Are we talking about the actor or his character, again?
Dr. Who and David Tennant are one and the same. There IS no other Dr. Who. Sorry Matt Smith.
Collard greens, the Walking Dead, Woody Allen, Swingline staplers, and Devo. All in one post and all related in some logical way.
What? They’re not logically related?
“I wonder what would happen if Woody Allen ate collard greens while watching The Walking Dead with the sound turned off and Devo on the stereo, while stapling his IRS forms with his Swingline stapler?” Hmmm. Yeah, I guess you’re right.
That’s just ridiculous. Do you really think Woody Allen does his own taxes?
Must you poke holes in the very fabric of my existence?
Same as Garrett but different:
Sashimi
Beauty Pageant Winners (Duh!)
Steve Jobs
Hair balls
Dry skin
Congrats.
How about something about politics, even better, foreign politics. I’m thinking about Sarkozy after his life as president of France. He is a small guy, french and married to Carla Bruni. So you can have trash, political incorrectness and – bringing up Napoleon complex – history.
Ah, yes. This would be easy. I already make fun of Sarkozy whenever I’m in the presence of French people whom I wish to offend. Wonderful topic. But is it good enough?
Maybe you can post about a good recipe for a gluten free bundt cake with some pictures of the baking process. I can never seem to find anything about baking on WP, it could be your own little niche.
Erm. I have absolutely nothing to say about that. Drawing a complete blank. Baking. A gluten free bundt cake, no less. Hmmmm.
You did say 5 right? Cause I have 5. I hope I’m not too late to enter. Here ya go!
1. Why the judge has to sit higher than everyone else in the courtroom because he is intimidated by Cristy’s height.
2. Where Florida Snowbirds go in the summer or what is a Michigan Fudgie?
3. Why cats do no make good pillows.
4. How to remove A-1 sauce stains from a white decorative pilgrim collar.
5. What it feels like to have a thousand minions even though your are a tall person.
You are not too late, Bryan. Your topics have been received. Your bottle of pinot grigio has not. Please leave it by the door. Good man!
Any particular brand?
Yeah, the expensive one.
Way to go, Christie!!
Thanks!
A P.S to my reply to your compliments and fun banter a couple days ago….you too, are very lovely Darlin! And thanks again for the welcome! 😉 xo
You’re sooooooo totally awesome Christie!
That’s because your awesomeness rubs off on me.
Holy cow. 1,000 followers. That’s the big time. You gotta start thinking about possible agents, maybe syndication, a spinoff series–man, you got options! No, but seriously, awesome job! You’ve seriously mastered the blog format. Potential quandaries to ponder: why life isn’t like a box of chocolates–like, at all; how the internet has made you who you are today (but mainly wikipedia and cat videos); or, why birthdays suck.
Excellent suggestions, Cynosurd. But what was that bit you said about syndication and a spinoff series? Maybe I could do a talk show. It would be a new format. I’d talk and my guests would listen. Hello, I’m vastly more interesting than someone like Jane Goodall. I bet she’s never farted in a yoga studio. In fact, I’m willing to lay down hard cash and say that she doesn’t have a drawing of a vagina by David Sedaris. What would she talk about? Chimps? Please, like anyone’s interested in that. Yawn.
Of course people love you – you rock!