Childhood · Humor · Life · Religion · Uncategorized

My First Grade Judas Kiss

"The Judas Kiss" by Gustave Dore (Image via Wikipedia)

While discussing the topic of dishonesty with a friend who chronicles the unbelievably funny and charming things her toddler, Alice, says in the course of everyday life in her brilliant and wonderfully concise blog, the book of alice, the topic of first lies (not first lays, you pervs!) arose. Of course, there are two kinds of first lies: (1) the one your mother will remember forever – since her heart shattered just a little that day upon discovering that you were well on your way to becoming a full-fledged heathen – but you won’t recall it because parents don’t typically beat you until you’re at least four or five; and (2) the one you remember – probably because you got your bottom whipped or at least got sent to the “naughty chair” for engaging in the deception.

As a person who is guilt-wracked when I commit the most minor of offenses, my first lie haunts me much in the same way that Scrooge was plagued the chain-rattling Jacob Marley. Due to a move to Miami early in my sixth year, I joined Mrs. Cupman’s first grade class about nine weeks into the semester, at which point I was introduced to the dreaded, blue plaid parochial school jumper paired with a baby blue, Peter Pan-collared blouse beneath. Stiff and most certainly interwoven with steel threads, the tartan fabric was made to withstand Florida’s hurricanes, falls from the monkey bars and daily instructions to sit in the lotus position on the school’s concrete sidewalks. It is rumored that the needle used to sew our jumpers was actually a long, sharpened diamond mined from Chuck Norris’ bone marrow, though I hear the current method of construction involves lasers and cold fusion. Regardless, I understand that my voluminously-pleated uniform came with accessory tent states and a portable Coleman grill.

X-Ray Vision Glasses - What? They Don't Really Work? (Image via tomvision.com)

Despite the relative strength of the blue tartan and the fact that it was so dense it could have been used to make black out curtains during WWII, my mother insisted that I don a silky, white half-slip trimmed in lace beneath my uniform. An avid comic book reader as a child, my mother may have been operating under the belief that the x-ray glasses advertised in the back of her cherished copies of Casper the Friendly Ghost really worked and that some pervy boy in my class possessed a pair. Though talkative, I was still a bit shy as “the new girl,” but managed to befriend another kid who resembled me in every way. Long light-brown hair with bangs. Check.  Gap in smile from missing front teeth. Check. Female. Duh. Scrawny with bony knees and a thin, pixie-like face. Check. Michelle quickly became my best friend. I believe the conversation went something like this:

Michelle: So, you’re new, huh?

Me: Yeah. And I have a puppy. Her name is Daisy. And I have a cat, too – named Pumpkin, but she doesn’t really look anything like a pumpkin. She looks like she stepped in paint. And she scratches. (Holding out my arm.) See. And my parents are divorced, but they’re getting married again. And I’m gonna be the…

Michelle: If you stop talking, I’ll be your best friend.

Me: For how long?

Michelle: I dunno. Forever.

Me: I can’t stop talking for the rest of my life. I’ll get in trouble when Mrs. Cupman calls roll and I don’t answer. And then there’s reading class…

Michelle: No, just shut up for a little while. I’ll be your best friend forever.

Me: (Lips pursed together tightly, I nod in agreement.)

With over two months of first grade under her belt, Michelle was a pro and she clued me in on all the vital information a newbie like me would need to know in order to succeed in this initial year of my education.

First rule: Never buy the school lunch. Even if the best your mom had in the fridge was a shriveled apple and a lettuce and mustard sandwich, you were to demand that she wrap it up in a paper bag and bring it to school. Unlike in kindergarten, bathroom breaks were not a right, but a strictly-scheduled privilege – and to eat the school meatloaf was to risk soiling one undies, not to mention gaining the nickname, “Poopy Pants” for the duration of the school year.

Second Rule: Do not commit any capital offenses. In first grade, capital offenses were amorphous crimes, and, at Westwood Christian School, could include:  taking the Lord’s name in vain, hitting, spitting, biting, kicking, sassing back, lying, cheating, stealing, failing to follow the line leader, calling the line leader a “passive-aggressive bitch,” and kissing. The latter was rumored to cause everything from pregnancy to hiccups that would never go away. Ever. However, my resulting avoidance of kissing had nothing to do with my prevailing fear of never-ending hiccups, but the punishment doled out by Vice Principal, Mrs. McCranie. A meaty woman with cold, squinty eyes emphasized by her metal, cat-eye glasses, I’m pretty sure her sole responsibilities at the school involved yanking students away from the water fountain by their collars if they drank too long, and wielding The Paddle. A medieval torture device carved from wood and drilled with multiple holes in order to ensure that no amount of oxygen could wend its way between it and the bared butt of a young child, The Paddle was discussed only in hushed tones. Tales of surviving Mrs. McCranie and her paddle were legendary. Those who returned to class from her Chamber of Horrors office, often became mute for months, staring vacantly at the wall with the eyes of someone who’d looked death in the face – and now wanted only to behave and graduate on to a nice office job, perhaps in accounting

"The Paddle" - A Disciplinary Tool Or Medieval Torture Device? (Image via thewilbournegroup.com)

Third Rule: Avoid the boys who practice the art of “picking and sticking” – a.k.a. the removal of one’s boogers with one’s fingers from one’s nose and then the act of sticking said boogers onto the exposed skin of the nearest female student. Without a doubt, the list of infamous “pickers and stickers” was crucial, memorized, then chewed and swallowed. Why? Because Michelle told me to and she was a Ms. Bossy Britches. Still, to this day, you’ll never catch me anywhere near John Nealy.

Despite my burgeoning friendship with Michelle, my efforts to chummy up with the rest of my classmates were largely rebuffed. The only exception was a fat boy (I really wish I could say he was just chubby or husky, but that would be a corporal offense) named Ronald who made a habit of deliberately missing his school bus once he laid his eyes on my mother. Back in the day, she was a hottie; if not a prude when it came to her daughter’s attire. Poured into a pair of skin-tight cut-offs and a tube top, Mom was a long, tall drink of Southern iced-tea in a pair of platform heels. Tanned the old-fashioned way with waist-length, Marsha Brady hair and the face of a fashion model, she was the center of attention the second she arrived in the pick-up line, driving our sparkly purple dune buggy. Ronald was a goner. Once he discovered that we lived nearby, he began missing the bus regularly and pawning rides off my mother, who allowed him – much to my dismay – to sit in the front seat, where he had an eagle eye view of her golden-brown stems. This mutual affection for my mom – though mine was based not on transportation and sheer lust, but on a desire to be fed, bathed and clothed at appropriate intervals – served as a sort of bond between Ronald and me for the next four years. And despite the fact that Ronald’s primary interest in me was as a source of information about my mother and her likes – her favorite color, her favorite number, her favorite television show – it was still interest.

Purple Dune Buggy + Tanned, Leggy Cut-off, Tube-top Wearing Super Fox = First Grade Boners (Image via wichita.olx.com)

Which brings me to the ominous day that I became a liar. The afternoon had begun inauspiciously. I’d inhaled my cheese sandwich, thrown my apple into the garbage as I always did, and relished my Tupperware bowl of chocolate pudding. After recess, Michelle and I had returned to our seats in the classroom – mine directly behind hers – and we’d begun our studies in mathematics, focusing on the whole adding and subtracting phenomena that was to eventually captivate the nation. As I stared inattentively at the alphabet chart strung above the green chalkboard, my jumper skirt inadvertently slid upwards, revealing the lacy hem of my slip. Behind me and to my right, I heard the boys, chuckling. Someone hissed, “Yeaaaay,” under his breath. Glancing around, I realized that at least six pairs of eyes were focused on my thigh and my exposed bit of nylon. Finally, a taste of what my mother experienced every day of her life – the admiration of the male species. Except, I didn’t particularly care that they were boys; I just wanted attention. Ignored for several weeks now, I craved to be the center of anything.

Realizing that it was the bright whiteness of my nylon slip against the starkness of my pristine jumper that was causing the ruckus, I casually crossed my legs and allowed my elbow to rest against the starched plaid fabric. Shifting my arm backwards a bit and sliding my jumper with it, I allowed a few more inches of my slip to glow in the flickering, overhead lighting. More snickering. More eyes – some of which now belonged to girls whose mouths dropped open in delighted, faux shock. The boys exhaled a collective sigh. Like my mother, I was incredibly naïve. Apparently, I thought my teacher was both deaf and blind – in my defense, she was pretty old – and wouldn’t notice that my skirt was slowly easing its way up towards my hipbones, at the encouragement of the entire class. Except for Michelle. Directly in front of me, she was clueless as to the shenanigans going on behind her.

“Now, who can tell me what four plus four equals?” Mrs. Cupman asked, turning her kind, lined face towards her pupils. As she scanned her students’ faces, she slowly realized that their attention was not on addition, but on subtraction – namely, the subtraction of my uniform from my sexy, lacy slip. “Cristy Carrington!” she shrieked, her face taking on the wailing, pained quality of the figure in The Scream. As her hands clutched at her cheeks, she demanded to know, “Are you showing your slip to the boys?”

Mrs. Cupman Upon Seeing My Bared Slip. Nooooooooooo! (Image via Wikipedia)

It was a question for which there was only one obvious answer. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t think. “No!” I replied. “Michelle did it.” In the split second it took for me to become a liar (No!), I also became Judas betraying Jesus with a kiss (Michelle did it.). I was Abigail Williams in The Crucible accusing Goody Osborne of witchcraft, when I was the one who had danced naked around the fire in the woods and communed with spirits. I can’t explain it. I can’t justify it. My gut reaction was to deny, deny, deny, then attribute blame. I’m willing to bet I could have been admitted to law school on this act alone. In the single moment it took to be accused of the crime, I had realized that Michelle and I resembled one another. Perhaps the near-sighted, Mrs. Cupman would believe that Michelle had committed the dreaded sin of slippery, instead of me, I’d thought. My best friend became a mere pawn in my sophisticated game of deception – one to which I might have been new, but one which I inherently understood. Michelle was my scapegoat, and to this day – I swear it happened in slow motion – as if my treason had somehow hindered Time itself. Michelle’s long hair splayed out, fan-like, as she whirled around to face me, confusion in her blue eyes. Behind her, Mrs. Cupman’s head shook back and forth slowly, as if she’d never encountered such a villainous Jezebel. And such a dumb one – considering I was the only girl in the class wearing a slip.

"Goody Osborne Associates With The Devil!" (Image via livingbehindthegates.wordpress.com)

As the realization dawned on me that my lie, coupled with my false accusation, had only worsened my situation, I dropped my eyes from Michelle’s steady, injured gaze and into my lap. I slid my plaid skirt towards my knees. My slip was no longer in sight, but Mrs. Cupman’s vision was also no longer in question. I’d been caught. And if kissing was a capital offense, certainly showing the entire class your slip – something that was, in the Seventies, considered part of your underwear – was worse. Much worse. I half-expected that the black and white linoleum flooring would open up to reveal an escalator headed only one way – down –  to Hell. The other half of me was worried that my class would suddenly erupt in a harmony of hiccups that would last much longer than my friendship with Michelle.

My Ass After Mrs. McCranie Finished With It (Image via beefretail.org)

In the end, it was my rear end that suffered the most. Pentecostals love their corporal punishment. Mrs. McCranie made short work of my poor Granny-panty clad rump. Had my parents been sufficiently angry – the note from my teacher that accompanied me home didn’t help – my butt would have been thoroughly tenderized and ready for roasting. Luckily, as I was a generally honest child, my parents’ bought my story: the slip incident was an accident. I simply hadn’t realized that my skirt was bunched up around my waist. It happens. To prostitutes. And girls on Spring Break. And as I’d never been accused of a school infraction in the past, I’d made a mistake and tried to place the blame on someone else. I regretted it. And I really did.

Though Michelle and I remained friends, it wasn’t forever and it was never quite the same. Not that it mattered. My ballsiness earned me the respect of my classmates and I enjoyed their friendship for the next four years. Yet here I am – thirty-seven years later – relating my guilt surrounding this event to a friend from the blogosphere. For me, the lie isn’t nearly as bad as the betrayal. Michelle, if you’re out there, I’m sorry. Then again, if you’d also been wearing a slip, I probably would have argued that you were the trollop of Mrs. Cupman’s first grade class until the end, challenged my teacher’s vision, and requested a change of venue based on the fact that Mrs. McCraine was biased as she had pulled me away from the water fountain only one week prior using a hank of my hair instead of my collar. Clearly, I would one day become a lawyer and, soon thereafter, would feel really guilty about it.

34 thoughts on “My First Grade Judas Kiss

      1. Really it was only one time. There was this really strange girl who ate crayons and paste in our classroom. Some of the fellows decided she was ripe for a stick and pick run by. We saw our chance during recess and went for it. She chased us down and beat us up. Up till the 9th grade she played right guard on the football team, after that I lost track of her till I saw her on TV several years back, I be damned if she ain’t Secretary of State now.

  1. It used to be a wooden spoon for us, it still sends a shudder down my spine. Mom would give us a 5 second head start…I’m glad I grew up and don’t have to deal with that anymore 🙂

    1. Had it been a wooden spoon, I probably would have kissed all the boys in the class at that point to get attention. Not to invalidate your fear of the wooden spoon, but The Paddle was some serious shit!

      1. My mom was also a chaser, but we were a hairbrush family. More groomers than stirrers. I think that head start business was a sadistic ploy to add to the agony by making you anticipate it.

        In sixth grade, my mother accused me of having “dishpan diarrhea” (for not doing some stupid chore) in FRONT OF THREE BOYS. It was really fun being called that every day for a year. It’s a wonder I ever got out of therapy.

  2. You had Christians, I had nuns. Ten years of pnguins interspersed with old maids who couldn’t cut it in the convent. Sister Clementina hauled my ass out into the hall to administer punishment. She made me smack the palm of my hand with an inch thick ruler. If I didn’t hit it hard enough she took over. And the note home, usually acccompanied by a phone call should I “lose” the note. They made me what I am; a storyteller,admirer of independant women, registered Independant and a reader who uses the Banned Books List as a guideline.

    1. Oh, Banned Books – dontcha love ’em! I’ve got to pull that list out and see what’s left on it that I haven’t read. I’m sure there’s at least a couple dozen, but I was a lit and writing major in undergrad.

      1. Well, girls do mature more quickly than boys, so your common sense instinct kicked in early. If it hadn’t, you might’ve wound up on “16 and Pregnant” or something. Except they didn’t have those sinful shows that glorify teen pregnancy back in the 80s.

      2. Why would I want to spawn an army of children whose sole purpose is to retrieve items from high shelves for shorties like you?. Anyway, if you’d been paying attention, you’d know that the children of tall people are serfs, not minions. And I’d like to borrow one of your’s for awhile so I can get caught up on what doesn’t make the pages of US Weekly. Now you, on the other hand, have both a serf and a minion as one of your kids is both tall and belongs to you. You’re doubly lucky. And soon you won’t suffer from the monthly curse. I’m not sure if I like you as much as I used to when you had to suffer as much as I do. Men have it so easy. Grrrrrrrr.

      1. Jean Shepard is a favorite of mine. Got introduced to his work in Playboy when I played Air Force. Now when I can’t sleep I put on an MP-3 disk with his radio shows on WOR in New York. You’re in ecellent company. Shep would be proud.

  3. I first lied at about the same age as you. I know, shocker. I called my stepdad a “whorehead” at the dinner table (OK, maybe I was more like 8). I was mad, I knew it was a bad thing to say, (even though I didn’t know why), and I just flung it out there when he said I couldn’t watch Scooby Doo the next morning or something.

    “You’re just a, well, I mean….you’re a WHOREHEAD Dad!”

    Anyway, being the uber-English teacher transitioning to Principal that my mom was, she told me to look the meaning of “whore” up in the dictionary. (OK, maybe I was 10?) If it ended up being a “bad” word I was in serious trouble. Like, no sleepovers for the rest of my life. Somehow I knew this was a set-up, so when I got the ginormous Mirriam-Webster off the shelf I completely bypassed the following definitions:

    1. A prostitute.
    2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
    3. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.
    intr.v. whored, whor·ing, whores
    4. To associate or have sexual relations with prostitutes or a prostitute.
    5. To accept payment in exchange for sexual relations.

    And skipped all the way down to….

    6. To compromise one’s principles for personal gain.

    This seemed to be the most innocuous choice, even though I didn’t really understand what it meant either. My super-sleuthing mom disagreed, however, and I had to study my states and capitals all weekend long as punishment. It wasn’t that big of a deal though, ’cause I had already lost my chance to watch Scooby Doo way before I lost control of my verbal faculties, which is what started the whole “whorehead” thing anyway.

    I was laughing out loud throughout this entire post. As usual. And I still think I have my nylon/poly half-slip. I like to break it out every now and then to use as either a drop cloth or a quasi skating rink for my kids.

    I am seriously shaking my head back and forth right now with a smile on my face. Ask Scot. He’s right next to me and thinks I’m kind of horny. But I’m never, ever, ever into sex when I’m this tired. So what I’m trying to say is my reading your post is his loss and my gain.

    Feel free to edit this liberally, BTW.

  4. Reblogged this on Gemini Girl in a Random World and commented:
    Today I’m proud and honored (like a sister, but post-high school when we would have hated each other because Mom made us share everything) to highlight the work of my blogging bestie, Cristy Carrington of Paltry Meanderings of a Taller Than Average Woman. I could go on and on (and on) about how much I love her wit, style, and unbelievable talent, but then I’d be blogging, and my main point in turning you Cristy’s way is to avoid just that. I’m on vaca, and as soon as I post this I’m headed to the beach with a Mai Tai in-hand (even though it’s only 5:00 a.m. and still dark outside, my time zone-confused body says it’s time for a two-cocktail liquid lunch…don’t judge me). Anyway, for those of you who blog, Cristy was Freshly Pressed not in her first month of writing, not in her first week, BUT ON HER FIRST BLOG. She didn’t even know what being Freshly Pressed meant when all of a sudden, she had like, 20,000 hits in a day. She’s THAT great. For those of you who don’t blog? You will read, post after post, David Sedaris-caliber writing that you get on her site for free. It’s laugh-out-loud, vivid, beyond polished, hilarious writing. And yes, it’s really free. Why does she do this? I have no idea. But I’m so happy she does because the world is a better place thanks to Cristy’s generous spirit. Now grab the stranger’s hand sitting next to you and start singing Kumbaya. ANYWAY, I spent about three hours trying to decide which of Cristy’s blogs to post and settled on this one, in part because it fits the content of my site. Believe me when I say it was a tough choice, though. Go to hers as soon as you read My First Grade Judas Kiss and settle in to devour everything else she’s written so you can decide for yourself. I’m sure you’ll love her as much as I do, but she’s MY blogging bestie, so please don’t be two-faced and start passing her secret notes in the halls that look like cootie catchers and stuff like that.

    1. How lucky can a blogger be? Stacie Chadwick tracked me down and ASKED me if she could be my blogging bestie. Omigosh, it was like I was finally in the cool crowd, hangin’ with the cheerleaders and the jocks. Wait, I hate those people. They were uber mean to me as I strolled the school sidewalks in my combat boots and oversized “Frankie Say War Is Stupid” shirt. But then, Stacie’s not like that. She’s what you dreamed the popular kids were like. Let’s put it this way, John Hughes never had a character as cool as Stacie in one of his films. But if he had, Molly Ringwald would have wanted to be her bestie – because Molly couldn’t play that role because even she wasn’t that cool in the 80s. And stay tuned because Thursday morning, I will be reblogging one of Stacie’s Greatest Hits on my page! Am I on vacay too? Nope, the Taller Than Average Woman is MOVING…a whole hour away. To the big city. Erm, well, it’s bigger than the one we’re in now. Sort of. Anyway, in lieu of writing a blog about how much I hate packing, I’m going to make your day by reblogging one of Stacie’s world-brightening, laugh-so-hard-you’ll-need-the-heimlich posts. I’ll also be hating her just a little bit because she’s lounging by a pool drinking Mai Tais – while I’m wrapping every single plate I own in newspaper.

  5. Sent here by the awesome Stacie Chadwick. Loved it!

    One quibble (because I always quibble): Everyone knows the holes in paddles are there to reduce wind resistance. There’s a fine balance between leaving enough substance for proper hide-tannage, while drilling out enough wood to speed its delivery on its appointed task. It’s an art. And a science.

    Alas, I speak from experience. Four years at an all-boys’ school made me a youthful expert on the quality of paddles, which I’m pretty sure at our school were first tested in wind-tunnels and perhaps on animals.

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