Comedy · Fashion · Humor · Literature · Uncategorized · Writing

Salman Rushdie Will Never Write For Cosmo

I am a sucker for a bargain. Every week, I hit the BOGOs (Buy One Get One Free deals – though they really should be called BOGOFs, considering the free portion of the deal is the most important) at my local grocery store, stocking up on olive oil, tea bags, lactose-free vanilla ice cream and A1 Steak Sauce. Okay, in the latter case, it’s more like Buy Seven Get Seven Free, but let’s not squabble over details. Regardless of my penchant for a deal, I pride myself on not purchasing crap we don’t use – which is why our pantry is not stocked with forty-four cans of green beans (Good lord, they can’t give those things away. They’re on sale every single week.) and why Mrs. Paul Fish Sticks remain in the freezer section at the store.

However, there’s something about Amazon.com’s $5 magazine sale that is simply mesmerizing. I love magazines – and for a time, my addiction to periodicals was becoming something of a financial burden, but less harmful to my esophagus than my issues with A1 Steak Sauce. I’d stock up as I waited in the grocery line, carefully stacking not one, not two, not three, but four trash magazines about celebrities and their silly little lives on top of my BOGO cans of diced tomatoes. At anywhere from $2.95 to $3.99 a pop, I easily spent ten to fifteen bucks a week just so I could keep up with who Justin Bieber was dating; whether or not Kim Kardashian’s right ass cheek had suddenly deflated – as I fully expect it will one day; and what species of monkey Snooki is and how I can expedite its extinction.

In this pop culture obsessed era, I can’t possibly keep up with the times any other way since I refuse to watch most tawdry reality programming on television and I don’t own a teenager. If I’d had the sense to purchase a child at the appropriate time, I’d have a serf at my beck and call who would not only be completely prepared to report to me a summary of this week’s Gossip Girl episode and the name of Katy Perry’s latest hit song on demand, but could also explain to me the allure of Chris Brown and why Rihanna continues to associate with him. Is she coming out with a new makeup line that includes eye shadow shades called “Bruise” and “Welt”? What? Too soon?

Yeah, I Know. This Shit Ain't Funny. So Stay Away From Chris Brown. (Image via nydailynews.com)

Were I a complete simpleton, life would be much less expensive because I would stop after snapping up my regular copies of Us Weekly and Life and Style. But I’ve got to have my Vanity Fair, Wired, The Atlantic, Time, Discover and a wide variety of other periodicals that my husband and I inhale the way a college philosophy major sucks up the smoke from the mouth of a bong. Then Amazon.com came into my life – and with it, emails advertising its innocuous $5 magazine sale. For the price of five copies of People, I could enjoy an entire year of Condé Nast Traveler, National Geographic, Popular Science and Woman’s Day. Twelve whole months! But I didn’t stop at four magazines, I clicked the subscribe button again and again, each time mentally figuring my savings. I could read The New Yorker for less than eleven cents per issue; I’d finally have the opportunity to bury myself in the short stories I’d always aspired to write, and read reviews about plays and concerts and gallery showings I’d never be able to attend since I live over a thousand miles away in Florida. How sophisticated I would become – something a free gallon of Breyers had never done for me. And this is where we arrive at the nexus of my problem, otherwise known as Cosmopolitan.

Cosmopolitan circa 1991 a.k.a. The Bible (Image via amazon.com)

As a twenty-something, upwardly-mobile young woman, Cosmo had been my bible, teaching me everything from how to build abs strong enough to weather a nuclear blast to how to select the perfect jeans for my arachnid-longish legs to how to perform fellatio with warm honey in my mouth without gagging. Okay, I only actually mastered the second item on that list, much to my husband’s chagrin. As I hit my mid-thirties, I discovered that there’s really only about a hundred sex tips out there and that the magazine recycles them, in the same way I pull out that dress I wore to the office Christmas party three years ago and wear it again – to this year’s party – hoping my husband’s co-workers were too drunk to remember that particular chartreuse number. I no longer care to know “What Men Really Think,” only what my husband really thinks when I ask him if I look fat in said chartreuse cocktail dress. Fully capable of achieving an orgasm, selecting a nail polish color without consulting an expert, and extremely competent at flat-ironing my own hair, Cosmo has lost its strange spiritual and maternal hold on me. Yes, I’m all grown up.

Yet, there I was, tempted by the opportunity to again peruse its glossy pages for a mere forty-two cents a month. I couldn’t buy a single can of diced tomatoes for that price. Perhaps there were new ways to remove bikini hair painlessly or a revolutionary naughty move I could try out with my hubby that didn’t involve sticky food products, electronics or furry handcuffs. I could be missing out. So unlike the fish sticks, I stuck a year’s worth of Cosmopolitan – the veritable whore of all women’s magazines – into my virtual grocery cart, paid for it with my debit card and awaited its arrival.

And so it came. Sealed in clear plastic lest the mailman drool over (or worse…ugh) the inevitable display of cleavage on the front cover – a marketing strategy that never quite made sense to me unless the publisher was secretly targeting lesbians and men – I opened it with the hope that something had changed in the decade since I’d read this particular rag religiously. But nothing had. With the sheer exception of Selena Gomez’s ample bosom gracing the cover instead of Cindy Crawford’s, not much was different – the layout, the general content, the sex tips, the platform sandals, the emaciated models – all the same. Except for one thing. The advertisements – which had gotten even worse.

Cosmopolitan - The Selena Issue (Image via huffingtonpost.com)

I know. Before you say it – how could advertisements get worse? Especially in the pages of Cosmo. Well, they can. Or, more accurately put, manufacturers seem to have given up when it comes to lower-rent magazine ads – and the products they represent. In fact, they can’t be bothered to even give the product a decent name.

Case in point: Dolce & Gabbana’s fragrance, light blue. Dominating the back cover of Cosmo in a full page, color ad – generally one of the most expensive placements a sponsor can purchase – the promotion insulted me with both the female model’s wide-angled, white bikini-clad crotch shot, and Dolce & Gabbana’s failure to even try when it came to selecting a moniker for its over-priced eau de toilette. I mean, really. Light blue? That’s the best they could come up with? Were azure, aquamarine, beryl, turquoise, teal, sea, sapphire, ice, cerulean, topaz, ocean, daffodil, pale, Prussian, smoky, baby, royal, indigo, cobalt, ultramarine, cornflower, berry, sky, periwinkle, wisteria, violet, steel, electric, powder, cyan, midnight and Persian really already taken? It’s as though D&G’s marketing department decided to pull an April Fool’s Day prank on its designers and said, “Hey, let’s tell ‘em the focus groups LOVED the name light blue!  We’ll say it test-marketed off the charts. It’ll be payback for last year’s crappy Christmas bonus. Italian bastards!”

Naming a perfume light blue is worse than just calling it blue. At least, blue is simple. In fact, it’s elegant in its purity and restraint. It’s evocative. It could be a color. It could be an emotion. It could be part of a French curse. Perhaps that’s why Chanel called one of its fragrances, Bleu de Chanel. (Don’t even try to argue with Coco or her company – even though she’s dead, her pearls and taste live on.) However, by prefacing blue with something as utterly dull as the word light, D&G effectively spit in our collective female faces, then said in a withering Italian accent, “You just weren’t worth the effort. We couldn’t be bothered to come up with something memorable or interesting or elegant, you silly readers of American slut magazines. In fact, we’re not even going to bother capitalizing the name. Vaffanculo!

Now, I wouldn’t expect Wired or National Geographic to advertise perfume, so I turned to my trusty copy of Vanity Fair, the bastion of expensive advertising. Sure enough, D&G didn’t dare run an ad for light blue in VF’s pages. Why advertise their unimaginatively-named toilet water in a magazine read by people for whom sapphire and Tiffany blue are the norm? (What? I have sapphires. They’re my birthstone.) Possessing higher expectations than the average Cosmo disciple, VF readers have paid top dollar over the years for the likes of wordsmithing by Christopher Hitchens, Salman Rushdie, Dorothy Parker, Clare Booth Luce, Langston Hughes, A. Scott Berg, Dominick Dunne and Sebastian Junger. Somehow, I just don’t see Rushdie ever penning an column for Cosmo entitled, “Little Black Dresses That Will Garner You Death Threats” or Berg authoring an in-depth profile on Charles Lindbergh’s “Top Ten Sexual Positions Bound To Drive Your Man Airborne.” Nope. They have higher standards and – at 43 – I probably should as well.

Salman "I'd Rather Be Murdered By Radical Muslims Than Write For Cosmo" Rushdie (Image via Wikipedia)

But I was conned by the promise of a $5 bargain. Sucked into the frigid, air-conditioned pages of a glittering casino-like magazine splashed with bright, gaudy colors; tantalizing words like sex and orgasm and shoes and pedicure and handbag flashing at me like a strobe light above a one-armed bandit; and a veritable smorgasbord – an all-you-can-eat buffet, if you will – of information about understanding and pleasing the complex species known as Man, and how to look skinny, fashionable and youthful while doing it. And now, I’m paying for it. Five whole bucks – and I’m forced to look at the perfectly-waxed crotch of an anorexic, spray-tanned model wearing a white bikini (Hello! Always a mistake – I don’t care if they’re supposedly lined.) while being embraced by an equally-bronzed male model who stares at me mockingly while hocking a woman’s perfume that doesn’t have the decency to don an appropriately vivid and eloquent name in the same manner that one dons a robe before answering an early-morning knock at the door.

Before I completed my character assassination of D&G’s lame ass branding (How’s that for eloquent?), I figured I should see if any other designers, pseudo-celebrities or perfumeries put as little time and effort into naming their fragrances. Perhaps this isn’t indicative of disrespect for the Cosmo-level clientele on behalf of the perfume industry; perhaps the people who make “stink-um,” as my grandmother used to call it, are just lazy by nature. My research uncovered a vast spectrum in the fragrance-naming game, but here are a few of my favorites:

Cumming by Alan Cumming

I'm "Cumming" For You, Alan Cumming (Image via frangrantica.com)

Funeral Home by Demeter Fragrance Library

Full Choke by Francesco Smalto

Full Choke - I Can't Make This Stuff Up, Folks (Image via fragrancex.com)

Solar Donkey Power by Henrik Vibskov

McGraw Southern Blend by Tim McGraw

Of course, my taste leans towards the gutter and the latter sounds like a whiskey I’d buy if I drank whiskey. That said, even morons celebrities like Paris Hilton put more thought into their perfume branding than D&G. Though Heiress, Can Can, and Fairy Dust aren’t names that reek of elegance or imagination, at least they smell of some level of effort, however small. And how embarrassing is that? Yes, Dolce & Gabanna, Paris Hilton did a better job at something than you – and it didn’t involve wearing an uber short dress, carrying an accessory animal, being talentless, or shrieking, “So hot!” when prompted.

And with that, I am cancelling my subscription to Cosmopolitan, folks. My aging heart can’t handle the rage that burns in me when insulted by fragrance ads aimed at vapid college students who think cunnilingus is the latin word for clever. Or worse, a sexually-transmitted disease. Bargain or no bargain, I can’t afford to believe there are more sexual tricks than I already know – or am sufficiently-flexible to perform upon request. Fashion has already been restricted to black, basic black, slimming back, lacy black, sparkly black, sexy low-cut black, clingy black, black Spanx and the jeans that Cosmo taught me years ago I could wear without looking ridiculously pear-shaped. And I understand my man – at least enough to know that my roasted rosemary chicken served up with steamed asparagus makes him deliriously happy and that he really appreciates it if I put the television timer on before we fall asleep at night. He’s my real bargain – and there’s not another one like him to get for free if I tried.

43 thoughts on “Salman Rushdie Will Never Write For Cosmo

  1. Ahhhh, you saved me again. Stuck in a McD’s in a snowstorm. Coffee & wifi, I’ve been stuck worse places. The woman next to me didn’t appreciate the snorts, giggles & eye rolls and burst out with a grumpy “Well you obviously aren’t looking at the weather!” I’m assuming in 59 minutes I will come up with the perfect comeback…

  2. I never learn visa-vi reading your posts at work. It’s so awkward trying to pretend you’re writing a preview of a very boring festival while laughing openly every 10 seconds. My editor must think I really crack myself up about the oddest things. The bit about the focus group loving ‘light blue’ nearly killed me. Hysterical as ever my dear.

  3. I’ve been thinking lately: is it possible to have content that’s entirely reader supported? Is that crazy? Then we would have no ads….we could do what we wanted…..maybe it’s just a dream.

  4. You’re spot on with this. I’m 24 and I’ve already outgrown Cosmo. All it took was a one year subscription – I realized when it came time to sign up again that I hadn’t even bothered to pick up the last two copies that had arrived at my door. And the ads really are unimpressive. Give me Vogue or W any day. Your take on this was hilarious, by the way. Thanks for the laughs!

  5. Loved this ! I’m convinced Cosmo just recycles articles with whatever “new celeb of the minute” on the cover. Made me laugh at the whole D & G thing…I just wrote about it. Last year while shopping, Light Blue was recommended to me by a gay friend who said its his “Go To cologne” (apparently it coordinates with any outfit or occassion ?) and I have to say I LOVE the stuff ….. would have been interesting to be in on some of these focus/marketing groups !

  6. That was brilliant. Started laughing at the BOGO’s (we actually call them BOGOF’s in england) because it means Buy One Get one, (which is surely the point of purchase..?) and didn’t stop until I reached the Tennesse Sour Mash, sorry McGraw Southern Blend.
    Thank you for giving me a little perspective on the daily dose of nonsense to be seen in magazine’s daily. Truly enlightening.

  7. ooooooeeee! This is such a reminder about why I’ve always avoided those magazines. You’re so right about what they’re selling–sex-fashion-sex-perfume-sex-shoes-sexy sex-whatever. Oh, but why are you so confused about the D&C perfume name? “light blue” obviously rhymes with “tight vagoo” (duh)and that fits wonderfuly because they, too, are actually selling sex– as we can see from the ad (notice how he has no swimsuit and she has no fingers on her right hand??!). All of the perfumes here are doing the same thing, with the possible exception of Funeral Home, but maybe that’s geared toward a very specific market. And F Smalto had the design genius to sell his perfume in a penis-shaped bottle. He could have taken it up a notch by including a battery and marketing it as a vibrator after all the perfume was splashed away.Oh well.

  8. Whatcha gonna look at while the drone at the head of the line argues that the store SHOULD carry Mrs. Brannigan’s Baked Beans and since they’re as good as Bush’s the coupon should be valid. As a male I apologize for all the the males who work hand-in-hand with the women who believe THEY should chart future trends. They’ve lost their souls. Cosmo covers portray unattainable women to lure men in to harass their woman friends into looking like the cover girl.

      1. Dunno, I found it too funny to take seriously. Besides, it was locked in a pretty sturdy case, which, I suspect was protect from theft from desperate fan-boys…:)

  9. Okay your funny. Funny like a clown. Sorry about that, but in my mind Joe Pesci was giving me a hard time about the funny comment. He was doing that thing he does, trying to intimidate me.

    I agree with you. I don’t like the name or the ad itself. Good looking models but their expressions – the look doesn’t make you want to be them. Also who wears perfume to go swimming? The ad should be exotic, exciting, adventurous. That ad just looks like a scene from a bad movie.

    The other names suck too with maybe the exception of the solar donkey power. Sure its a kind of comical name, but its memorable. Provided its a man cologne, the name doesn’t really suck. But, if you think about it some more; it kind of evokes images of bestiality. So maybe not so much. Okay that name sucks too.

  10. Also, I agree re: Cosmo. I have slowly let my fashion magazines all expire. I used to get, like, all of them. Now, even my beloved Lucky is gone. Bummer. I’m not sure if they have been getting worse, or if I am getting old, but that’s that.

    1. Lucky is gone? Did it die? Whenever I hear the name Lucky, I think of General Hospital. They named a character Lucky. Terrible name for a child. I mean, what if he isn’t lucky? What if he’s forever losing at everything? How emotionally-devastating would it be to not be able to live up to your own name. Better to name him Pathetic Loser and then anything good that happens to him will be an accomplishment. He’d live life with that, “I’ll show them, attitude!” and become a zillionaire.

      1. No, I mean I just got my last issue. They got a new editor, and it sucks now. It is just another boring fashion rag.

        That said, you know the free stuff in the back pages? Would you believe it if I told you I have won THREE times? Who’s lucky now?

  11. I don’t have enough functioning brain cells to comment on this post in the way that I’d like. BUT I can say this: hilarious, as always with a little more reflective shine. My Vanity Fair (fav fav fav mag) is often obscured by the latest Us magazine that I steal from the gym. Love me some Snooki updates, but only when they’re free.

  12. If any of the above can get teens to stop spraying themselves with “Axe” we’re all better off!(Seriously, Full Choke ?)
    I will admit once in awhile I sneak a copy of In Style mag into my shopping bag& pretend I have no idea how it got there ….

  13. You’ve had this magazine addiction for a long time. I remember watching you shake and scratch at your arms in the book store’s magazine aisle when we were still innocent little lambs.

    P.S. I own a teenager. So far, the only serf in the family seems to be me.

  14. At least when I see a fragrance named “light blue” I am slightly intrigued as to what it smells like. If I saw one called “Solar Donkey Power”, I’d have to find some sap to sniff it for me first. I think most sane people would prefer the scent of Rosemary Chicken to either one of those. Do I sense a business opportunity for CCL? You’re more than welcome.

    1. I have been known to rub the roasted chicken skin all over my body after dinner, so I think you may be on to something here, 1point. As far as smelling light blue – never! They’ve insulted my intelligence, so I’m boycotting them. I’ll reconsider if they change the name to something that sounds like they actually tried.

Your Comments Are The Only Human Contact I Have. Please Say Something. I'm So Lonely.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s