When I met my husband over eight years ago, we each had two cats – mine were female and his were male. We fell in love and, upon combining our households, became the feline version of the Brady Bunch – except I had slightly better hair than Carol Brady and our backyard wasn’t covered in astro turf. Like the Brady’s, our kitties bunked together, fought frequently over who got to use the clubhouse, and shared a single bathroom.
When we married five years later, we decided against breeding (kids, not cats) after weighing the pros and cons of Kids vs. Kitties. The Kitties won and here’s why:
1) Fur hides bruises better than makeup. (No, I don’t beat my cats. I find whisking makes them fluffier.)
2) Though socially unacceptable in the United States, it’s not illegal to kill and eat your felines if facing starvation. Do that with your kid and your nickname in prison will be Donner Daddy.
3) Annual cost to raise a child: Approximately $13,000. Annual cost to raise a cat: Approximately $700. You do the math. For the amount it takes to raise a kid, you could adopt well over a dozen kitties and gain yourself an official title: Ailurophilia. That’s Greek for “cat lover.” Of course, there’s the unofficial title that the neighbors will call you: Crazy Cat Lady. And if you go overboard, you’ll end up in a shit-filled hovel that serves as a giant litter box for your zillions of kitties and the star of the next episode of Hoarders. So stick with just a couple of felines and buy yourself a nifty sports car instead.
4) Annual day care expenses for infants and young children can range from $4000 to $10,000 per year. Cats, on the other hand, are self-sufficient. Their day care looks something like this:
5) If one of your cats mysteriously disappears, people will say this, “Awwww, so sorry Fluffy ran away. You must be so sad.” Not this: “M’am at the time of Fluffy’s disappearance, do you have an alibi for your whereabouts?” Or this: “Neighbors reported hearing you shout, ‘Bad kitty!’ several times the night before Fluffy disappeared. Were the two of you having relationship problems?”
6) When your cat is whiny and uncontrollable in the car, you can lock it up in a cage. Apparently, this practice is frowned upon in at least 47 states when children are involved. No matter what Boost Mobile says.
7) Cats are unable to verbalize their complaints about what all the other felines in the neighborhood are allowed to eat, watch, play with, or how late they’re permitted to stay out. Though they may attempt to do so by crying, “Meeeooow, meeeeowww, mow, mow,” all we hear is “Meeeoow, meeeeowww, mow, mow.” Sorry, don’t understand a single word. Not one.
8) Kids beg for expensive sneakers, video games, designer purses and cars. Cats beg for that little piece of gristle that you spit out onto your plate.
9) Pot is illegal. Catnip is not. Likewise, it is illegal to get your kid high in order to give them an “attitude adjustment.” Not so with felines. Adjust away.
10) If your teenage cat gets knocked up, you can just give the kittens away. No paperwork. No red tape. No DNA testing to determine which of her boyfriends is the father. No arguments from your cat that she’s a grown up and that she and the baby daddy are gonna raise little Moonbeam on their own – right after they score a little catnip.
11) Euthanasia. Is. Legal. For. Cats. Note to cats: Don’t be expensive. No cat is THAT cute.
12) If you pet your kid for a half hour straight, you’re a pedophile. If you pet your cat for a half hour straight, you’re just a person covered in cat hair who clearly loves and adores their kitty.
13) With children, there’s no way to really use and enjoy all the skin and hair they shed on a daily basis. Ed Begley, Jr. would call that a waste of natural resources. A cat’s fur, on the other hand can be culled, woven into yarn, then knitted into a lovely sweater that leaves a nearly invisible carbon footprint paw print. Moreover, it only takes about 24 cat skins to make a coat, which means that Mr. Buttons can live forever…on your back.
14) Cats rarely cry, but when they do, it is for very specific reasons. They are either hungry, thirsty, in pain, locked in a closet or desiring attention. Unlike babies, however, once said need is met, they stop crying. They. Stop. Crying. This is HUGE.
15) Cats don’t attend college or technical school, nor do they take dance classes, gymnastics, or piano lessons. Cha-Ching! Likewise, they don’t play team sports. This means no after school car pools for you, nor will you be forced to spend your weekends watching little Jimmy miss the hoop again. And again. And again.
16) If you’re an ounce overweight, your teenager will be the first to let you know. “No, you can’t borrow my scarf. You’ll totally stretch it out.” The bigger your lap and belly, the happier your cat.
17) Unlike children, cats don’t hog the television. You will never have to listen to a purple dinosaur sing songs about loving everyone, nor will you learn what an Elmo is, why it talks so much and why you have to wait in a line outside of Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving to acquire one for your child. No Hannah Montana. No iCarly. No Suite Life on Deck. Family television is for suckas! Let’s watch Showtime!
18) Cats don’t watch porn, so keep yours lying around if you like. Your friends probably already know that you’re a perv.
19) Cats won’t steal your Vicodin and Valium, but make sure you don’t leave the lunch meat out on the counter. Honey-cured ham is like crack for kitties.
20) Because cats don’t attend school, you don’t have to help them with their homework. Of course, this means that you will forever be dumber than a fifth grader since you won’t be relearning all that stuff you studied in grammar school.
21) Can’t cook? That’s okay. Friskies has done all the work for you. You can open a can, right?
22) Kids have been known to steal money from their parents. It’s called an allowance. This is a foreign concept in the cat world. Kitties don’t wear pants and, therefore, they don’t have pockets. Thus, there is nowhere for them to hide money or carry it to a mall to make a purchase. A cat’s only currency consists of bouncy balls, mousies, toys involving a stick, a string and a collection of feathers, and a small stash of catnip. It is acceptable (meaning: preferred) for a cat be naked throughout the day. It is illegal for your child to run around in the buff once he or she is in grade school, so don’t try to avoid the whole allowance thing by refusing to buy your kid pants.
23) Kids start out as babies and, during this time, expect to be fed every few hours – regardless of the time, the fact that The Walking Dead season finale is on, or that you’re just sick to death of letting them suck on your sore, shriveled tit. Cats are fed once or twice a day. You set the schedule. Your breasts should NEVER be involved.
24) Sick of hosting ALL the parties at your place? Feel like it’s time for someone else to shoulder the burden? Guess what? Up to 25% of people are ALLERGIC to cats. The next time you’re asked to host Superbowl Sunday, your response can be, “Wow! We’d love to, but we recently adopted Whiskers and Puffball – and I just heard that George and Larry are allergic to cats. Man, who knew?” Apparently, there are no known allergies to children; though kids are often irritating to adults, it’s apparently not sufficient enough to cause a rash, sneezing or watery eyes.
25) To date, no cat has ever murdered its entire family in a hate-fueled rage. I’m not saying that they don’t think about it, but the lack of opposable thumbs makes it impossible for them to wield a weapon. That said, if you die in your home and are not immediately discovered, a cat may dine on you instead of reporting your death to the proper authorities.
26) Unlike young children, cats bathe themselves. In fact, if you try to aide them in this activity – particularly using soap and water – they will become extremely agitated. In addition to being self-sufficient in this area, they are also exceptionally diligent – spending up to a third of their waking hours grooming themselves. Compare this to a child who spends approximately a third of a minute grooming himself.
27) Average cost for a funeral for a human: Approximately $7500. Average cost to bury a cat: Free. Unless you don’t own a shovel, in which case, the cost goes up to about $25.
28) Your teenager practically never wants to curl up in your lap, rub his face against your calf or nuzzle your cheek. If he does, he’s probably retarded. Sorry.
29) Purring has been known to induce sleep in insomniacs. Your teen’s favorite music vibrating through your bedroom wall has not.
30) The jury is out on whether or not having children increases your lifespan, but studies have proven that owning a cat can ensure that you spend another two or more years on this planet. Granted, they’ll probably be the most unpleasant of your life since you’ll be an old codger who’s sick, wrinkled and craps your pants – plus, your friends with cat allergies won’t visit you – but you’ll be here!
31) A cat will never beg you to buy it a puppy.
32) Cats won’t drink your vodka while you’re away and then fill the bottle up with water to hide their deception.
33) It’s often difficult to convince a child to go anywhere near a bug or lizard. Cats don’t have this fear. Not only will a cat capture any small creature that wanders into its territory, it will also toy with it, kill it and then leave it in a convenient place for you to find for disposal purposes. Granted, that convenient place might be your pillow, but at least you won’t be surprised by a cockroach running across your toes in the middle of the night.
34) Unlike kids – especially teenagers – cats don’t like clothes. Period. Or costumes. Or reindeer antlers. Or fancy, frilled collars made of colorful fabrics and bells. This will save you hundreds, if not thousands of dollars a year. Unless you’re one of those cat owners. You know, the kind who insists that cats enjoy wearing silly outfits. The kind who thinks that cats want to walk on leashes. The kind who thinks your cat can read your mind. The kind who is hoarding canned food and weapons because he thinks the world is going to end on December 21rst.
35) You don’t have to carry a kitten around in your belly for nine months. Plus, if you wait until the kitten is weaned, the hardest thing you’ll have to do is teach it to use a litter box. No breast pumps. No nipple pads. No sagging. No pregnancy weight gain. No stretch marks. No morning sickness. No maternity clothes. No labor. No telling your husband, “I fucking hate your guts for doing this to me. There’s a goddamned alien inside of me that is ripping my vagina completely apart. I’m never letting you touch me ever again!”
36) If your cat overhears you and your partner having sex, it won’t scar them for life. Nor will they tell all their friends at school, your neighbors and your in-laws that Mommy likes to call Daddy her “Throbbing Horndog Stallion.”
37) You can leave your cats alone for the weekend without worrying that your lawnmower will be resting at the bottom of your pool when you return.
38) You can’t castrate your randy teenage boy – as much as you’d like to. This practice, however, is encouraged among cat owners. Here, kitty. Snip. Snip.
39) If your teenager is pissed at you, the retail therapy involved to keep her from moping, whining and complaining for the next week could be expensive. If Tabby is ticked off at you, you need merely to open a 99 cent can of tuna fish and the purring will commence.
40) There are two things every parent dreads: (1) having The Talk with their kid, and (2) teaching their kid how to drive the family car. These are moot issues for cat owners. First, there is no Talk. Sex is instinctive for cats. Breeding cats is easier than Ashton Kutcher garnering Twitter followers. Also easy: ensuring that your cats don’t breed. And no, condoms are not involved. Second, cats are too short to drive. Unlike teenagers who have stupid laws on their side that permit them to drive if they reach a certain age and pass a test, the smartest cat in the world is prohibited from operating a motor vehicle. And with good reason. What? You’ve never seen Toonces the Driving Cat?
So there you go. Before you jump into the world of breeding miniature humans, consider adopting a couple of kitties. C’mon. Do you really want to give up your freedom for the next 20 – 30 years? Don’t you enjoy going on vacation to a place uninhabited by cartoon characters? Giving up the booze and the smokes for a whole nine months is a LONG time. Still, I sense you’re not quite sure. Here…let me help.
This post is dedicated to Mariah Carrington Lewis. We love you, miss you and think of you every day.
Funnier In Writing 
My eyes were itching before i got to number 7. No offense, but you seem to know an awful lot about kids for a cat lady. Are you sure you didn’t have one litter of young ‘uns?
I started baby-sitting at age 7. By 14, I was a summer nanny. While caring for my grandmother during the last years of her life, I worked as a substitute teacher because I needed the flexibility. I’d say I have some experience with kids. And, believe it or not, I still like them – especially when they belong to other people who aren’t sitting directly behind me at the movie theater.
Cats also don’t need to float a loan for NYU grad school tuition x four semesters. So yeah, cats are way better than kids. Fun read, Cristy! 🙂
Thanks, girlie!
Love the blog Cristy! As a mother of one human child and three feline ones, I must point out one detail you neglected. As a cat owner, it has been a 15-year (and still going) commitment to scooping cat poop… I only had to change diapers for two years!!! If I could have potty trained my cats, I think it would even up the score!
Excellent point – and one probably forgotten because Matt scoops the poop! Thanks for continuing to read my blog! 🙂
It is possible to train kitties to use the toilet. They do their business on the porcelain throne, and even flush when done. I have NO idea how to train a cat to do that, but I know it can be done! Thus, the scooping poop problem solved.
A friend of mine taught her kitty to play fetch. Crazy, huh? That cat was NOT adhering to the kitty game of life. http://www.metamorphingwoman.com/2011/07/kitties-gotta-love-em.html
Magellan will randomly use the toilet – and he taught himself. He doesn’t flush, but he also only uses it to tinkle. How does the saying go? If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.
Cinnamon has been known to fetch her bouncy balls up to a dozen times in a row, but she has to be in the mood. Mariah, my little precious bundle who is no longer with us, always fetched her toys – and loved to chase after her treats.
The only thing I can add is you don’t have to remember what you named kitty. They’ll respond to “Hey Stupid” which is frowned on with kids. Got two cats in the house one named Sophie I got to replace one who is doing duty as fertilizer and another one who’s name I don’t know and really don’t care. You rock.
Maybe the cat who responds to “Hey, Stupid” is actually named “Stupid.” After all, you said you don’t know one of their names. And maybe Sophie is just…stupid. Our cats actually know their names. Cinnamon and Magellan were quick to pick up on the different sounds of their monikers; Dinsworth took forever, but he’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
I loved my cat until it bit me while I was patting it. Felt like a needle pierce my toe. I like my 2 year old nephew better when he dances to the Item songs of Bollywood movies. Its way too much fun.
Wonderful Post as usual. Such keen sense of observation. cool.
Thanks… wait until your nephew bites you. You won’t like him nearly as much as you do now. Thanks again for for reading my blog!
I’m not convinced, but I have to admit it’s probably a pretty safe bet your mother in law won’t criticize the way you’re bringing up your cats.
Actually, I’ve never met my mother-in-law, BUT my parents have offered plenty of criticism with regard to how we raise our pets. Though our kitties are beloved by all, my mother brags that her kitties never jump up on the counters. Yeah, one’s too old and the other’s too fat, so big fucking whoop! My dad and step-mom would personally wipe each cat’s butt as they exit the litter box and can’t understand why Dinsworth’s ass is sometimes “dirty.” My response: “Because poop comes out of it.” Their new nickname for him is now “monkeybutt.” Apparently, monkeys have dirty butts, too.
WAY too much information. BTW, did I ever share any of our potty training stories with you?
Can’t wait!
One of my cats knows her name, but the other only responds to “kitty kitty kitty”, preferably accompanied by the sound of opening food containers. Otherwise, she is not very cat-like.
In fact, I think she embarrasses my other kitty, Luna, for her eccentricity. See, she likes to burrow under my covers with me at night. It’s toasty warm. If I were an animal, it seems like that would be the smart thing to do. Most of the time I’m half asleep and not really aware when she’s doing it. But Luna, in kitty indignation of the Élé’s un-cool non-catlike display, wakes my ass up because, she jumps right on top of the Élé under my covers, reowrs, growls and the two start fighting through the blanket right next to my body. Flailing kitty claws almost always manage to scratch me, too. When Élé has had enough (and I’m screaming and flailing at the kitties myself), she scurries out from under the covers.
This isn’t much different than a toddler waking up Mom in the middle of the night by climbing into her bed because of bad dreams or a wet bed, except that with a cat there is usually blood involved.
Having both kids and cats, the biggest positive my spawn have is the fact that at least one of them might have the ability to do math and therefore find a way to support this family. The cat walks off with that indifferent little strut whenever I ask her about the rent.
Ain’t that the truth! Dinsworth regularly shows up in print ads, on television and in films, but has yet to share a dime with the family. We suspect he’s being paid in tuna – and consumes said payment before returning home from his hard day “modeling” or “acting.”
Cats are complete bastards like that.
I got to “Kitties don’t wear pants” and started laughing hysterically…. and stopped when I got to the part about how kitties apparently don’t love silly outfits or walking on leashes. Here is photographic proof that you are WRONG, madam.
See? SEE?!?!? He’s perfectly happy. That’s not merely his Tolerant Face, that’s his I Love This Crap face.
Sorry, I just saw this. Two of your comments ended up in my spam filter! Gosh, darn it.
It’s all good. 🙂 Sometimes the spam filter is a little overzealous.
maybe YOUR cats don’t watch porn…
Human porn. Ewwwww. They do sit outside on the porch a lot, so god only knows what they see out there. There is a cat in heat who keeps visiting. She might be showing off her cootchie.
that whore.
I really liked my kids and would never call myself a cat person until I read this post. Now I’m reconsidering every drunken decision to give birth I ever made and am typing en route to the pound.
In a long, long, LONG list of bestie favs, this is my fav of all flava favs. Am posting on FB tomorrow (all of my “friends” except you are in bed by 9:00) and am expecting another visit from the FP genies to rain down on you like dander from the Gods of all things hilarious.
I would be peeing in my pants right now if I had any pants on. Apparently, I’m more feline than I realized before reading your amazing, unique, incredible, freaking-funny-beyond-words, catlicious post.
So beyond well done. You’ve hit one out of the blogosphere. AGAIN!
Awwww, shucks. You’re just sayin’ that cuz you’re my blogging bestie – and the best blogging bestie a girl could ever hope for! Thanks for all the wonderful support. Your tremendous writing and encouragement keeps me on my game. I gotta work hard just to keep up with a talent like you! Glad this is a favorite. How do you like the Lewis Bunch montage – with me and my Carol Brady hair (blonde…yes, it’s true) from 8 years ago? Isn’t my Matthew a cutie pie?
You are BOTH adorable. Love the uber-attorney/TV news anchor/CEO blondie power pic!
You left out “realtor.” Yep, that was from my days selling real estate. Sooooooo cheesy. Nice to know I could pass for a news anchor, though – that’s means my hair looked REALLY awful. Tee hee.
Oh, love this soo much! And so, apparently, does my cat (another Luna!). She enjoys gnawing on the prong thingie that goes in the USB port and since that thingy is what makes the wireless mouse work, I have to shove her away. ‘Course, then she pounces for the little arrow shooting across the screen as I knock the mouse off the desk…wait, um…yeah 3 kids, 2 cats & 2 dogs…the kids grew & moved out, thank god, no empty nest syndrome here! But, dammit, wish they had taken the fool dogs with them! (I think Luna agrees; she’s not a dog-lover!) 🙂
Oh this is just PRICELESS! I love it!
We made the ‘cats not kids’ decision years ago and have never regretted it 🙂 Started with 2 rescues, then a kitten no-one wanted from a pet shop…years passed and the inevitable happened with elderly moglets…so we added another 2 rescues…more sadness…then another rescue… then another 2 rescues (brother and sister). Oh and a partially feral stray decided he liked living in our garden, then our garage and now occasionally our house… The count is currently at 5 (occasionally 6) which is far too many, but we wouldn’t give them up for anything 🙂
Just about every point you wrote endorses that decision made oh so long ago LOL. Even though they double our housekeeping budget. 🙂 And have occasional toileting ‘accident’ from upset tummies – or decide to try projectile vomiting when they eat too fast… (Nope – still don’t regret a day of it!)
Keep up the great posts!
J
So glad you enjoyed it. Takes a cat lover without kids to fully understand. 🙂
The problem with cats is…. they are cats. Yuck.
You’re just saying that because you wear pants and they don’t. No need to discriminate.
Aww, I miss my kitty cats 😦 Had two once upon a time, a cute, sweet tabbie and a crazy red point siamese. Although, I don’t miss poop scooping the litter tray! Nor the psychotic behaviour of Eric the red point siamese. Thanks for the nostalgia trip – love your work.
Thanks, Sandra. Appreciate you being a cat lover AND loving my blog! Please keep coming back. 🙂
Cats give great massages!
True!
Cats don’t take up a lot of space when they sleep beside you. Haha.
Three of them do. Hell, even one does when you only have a queen size bed and that refuses to understand the concept of lying vertically as opposed to horizontally.
Cats are one of the most loved pets in the world, no question about it. More than 50% of all households in the United States own dogs and cats. Although cats are loved animals, cat allergies are one of the common forms of allergies. Statistics in the past have shown that over 10 million people in the U.S. alone have allergic reactions to cats – especially their fur. ^
Check out all of the most popular post at our personal online site
<http://www.healthmedicinecentral.com/pinched-nerve-in-lower-back/
Reblogged this on tsuruhami.
Just got to your post by Googling “cats are better than babies” after an hour of watching margay videos on Youtube. This blog post is one of the best and most relevant I have ever read, thank you for this!
Loved this post! Found it when searching “Cats are better than babies”. The only maternal instinct this poor pitiful human has is for the furred, feathered, fanged and finned.
Theory: Cat haters are people who can’t stand independence.
.
I agree…and I have a theory that people like their pets to behave like their partners, personality-wise, anyway. Independent and confident people have cats b/c they don’t need a companion that has nothing better to do than pant at their feet all day long. Cats choose when to interact – like people – and when they choose you, it’s a gift every single time. Except when they use that time to knock your Burt Bees lip balm and readers into the garbage can.