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Open Letter To Florida’s Snowbirds

The Northeastern Snowbird's Migratory Pattern Brings It South For Winter (Image via psychologies.uk.co)

Dear Old CootsSnowbirds,

As a full-time resident of the Sunshine State, I am heavily-medicated due to tolerate your presence for four to five months out of each and every year. During your visits to my hometown, I strive to be patient and even welcoming. After all, you bring with you a collection of used, wadded up tissues (can’t ever have enough of those), the endless fragrance of Bengay and cold, hard cash. Tourism drives our local economy and, because of your winter forays to our tropical oasis, there are theaters that can afford to stay open year round, some of the best medical care doctors can overcharge for, and a terrific selection of colorful canes and walkers in every pharmacy, hair salon, liquor store, veterinarian’s office, McDonald’s, strip club – hell, they’re everywhere. However, we need to set a few ground rules. If you would follow these orders written in the blood of octogenarian roadkill suggestions, not only would it be greatly appreciated, but it will increase the likelihood that I won’t run you over with my Camry as you take forty-seven minutes to cross the fucking street. Thanks!

This Sign Doesn't Exist in Florida Because We Only Love Our Children And Our Wild Animals (Image via thisislondon.co.uk)

GROUND RULES

Both Lanes Are Available - Pick One! (Image via geograph.org.uk)

1)  Your car may not occupy more than one lane at a time unless you are in the process of changing lanes – and then, only for a second. Florida roads are not like the bank, where you can stand between two teller lines and refuse to commit to either one, preferring to hover in the middle until it is apparent that one line is moving much faster than the other. Here, you must select a lane and, preferably, stick with it until you reach your destination. If you refuse to choose a lane, I will pick one for you. Beware, if I have to select one on your behalf, you may experience a painful sensation in your neck, commonly referred to as whiplash. Opening your car door when you choose to exit your vehicle may also be extremely difficult or impossible.

2)  When determining the speed at which to operate your motor vehicle, consider the speed limit an order, not a recommendation. When you drive twenty miles below the speed limit, I have the urge to ride your bumper like it’s George Clooney’s naked body – and not in a good way. Being stuck in traffic behind one of you old codgers  is worse than watching Cowboys and Aliens – on an endless loop. I imagine that the road to Hell is packed with sinners driving uncomfortable Ford Fiestas – all of which have no air-conditioning and a radio that blares nothing but Judy Collins singing “Send In The Clowns”- and honking their horns at the guy in the lead: one old fart crawling along at 2.7 m.p.h., waving his fist out the window of his 1988 Chrysler Fifth Avenue, hollering, “Keep your shirt on. Why are youngsters always in such a rush?”

"I Can't Drive 55" - Yes, You Fucking Can! (Image via ops.fhwa.dot.gov)

3)  No one uses checks at the grocery store in Florida. If I see you pull out your checkbook, expect to have a zucchini inserted into an orifice that only your proctologist and freaky sex partner from half a century ago have ever seen up close.

4)  Your Depends cannot be flushed down the toilet in public places. Likewise, please don’t ball them up and leave them in the corner of the bathroom stall, in a fitting room or under your seat at the movie theater. And despite the fact that they are made of plastic and paper, they aren’t recyclable, so pulling your used ones apart and depositing each half in the blue and red plastic recycling bins is punishable by life in prison without possibility of parole or lozenges discouraged.

Where To Dispose Of These Doesn't "Depend" On Anything. Garbage Only, Please. (Image via yourdiaper.com)

5)  Much like with a dangerous amusement park ride, there is a height requirement for driving in the State of Florida. If you can’t see over the wheel, take the bus. The fact that your blue hair can be viewed above the wheel by other drivers is insufficient. I must be able to see your eyeballs. More importantly, you must be able to see me, my bumper, your rear view mirror, me, your side mirror, your blind spot, me, traffic signs, pedestrians, me, traffic lights and the occasional indecisive squirrel. And me.

Don't Drive Unless I Can See The Whites Of Your Eyes (Imagevia epautos.com)

6)  As you age, some things get better. Women stop menstruating and don’t need to shave anything but their faces. Men lose their hair and rarely have to deal with random boners. However, your farts don’t stink any less. Nor are they cute. No one giggles and says, “How adorable! Did you get a whiff of that old codger’s ass vapors? Makes me want to nuzzle his belly and give him a zerbert.” So don’t pass wind in public. You didn’t do it when you were forty and doubling your age doesn’t automatically entitle you to a “free gas pass.”

Lawrence Welk - Did You Just Say "Polka" Or Was It The Voices In My Head? (Image via Wikipedia)

7)  Just because your hearing isn’t as great as it used to be doesn’t mean mine isn’t absolutely perfect. Therefore, when you choose to watch television without your hearing aids inserted and/or turned on, you may be forcing others, namely ME, to listen to reruns of Lawrence Welk whether they (again, ME) like it or not. Personally, this can be irritating when I’m trying to watch – say, True Blood. Polka and vampires go together like Rick Perry and the number 3. Furthermore, if you find that you are constantly punching the upward facing volume arrow on your remote and, yet, the sound emanating from the television is not increasing, it’s because you’ve hit the volume limit. Which means your television is TOO FRIGGIN’ LOUD. So before you gingerly sit down in your Barcalounger with your glass of prune juice, all ready for a hot date with Andy Griffith and Angela Landsbury, do this for me. Charge your hearing aid batteries, insert said batteries into said hearing aids, position said hearing aids in your ears and turn them on. Then, once you’re all settled and comfortable, turn the volume on your hearing aids way, way up and the volume on your television way, way down. FYI, repeated exposure to the music of Lawrence Welk is the leading cause of psychotic episodes for people between the ages of 20 and 50. Don’t become a statistic.

8) Halitosis. Not sure what it means? Look it up and buy some mints. Not a small box of orange Tic Tacs, either. Purchase the jumbo megatron-sized crate of Altoids. Carry them with you at all times and – most importantly – use them. I don’t care how many times you soak your dentures every day, your mouth still smells like my grandparent’s bathroom – on the day the sewer backed up. No amount of Aqua Velva covers the odor of sulfur combined with day old Salisbury steak. My cat wouldn’t sniff your breath. Moreover, in the same way that your walker entitles you to additional personal space, your bad breath entitles me to more of the same when in your presence. Please stand at least a foot away when you speak to me. You never, ever have the right to lean in close and whisper to me for any reason. Even at a funeral. Unless you want it to be yours.

This Makes Your Breath Smell Worse Than Cat Ass (Image via Wikipedia)

9)  During Old Coot Snowbird Season, the traffic in Florida can get preeeettttty bad. For those of us with jobs, schedules and limited free time, it would be greatly appreciated if you would refrain from traveling on the roads between the hours of 7 a.m. – 9:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. – 6:30 p.m. I know what you’re going to say: But my Early Bird Special is between 4 and 5 p.m. Too damn bad! My husband’s right to get home within a reasonable time after leaving work is not superseded by your desire to save two lousy bucks on Surf ‘n Turf. And while we’re on that note, why do you insist on grabbing up all the early morning doctor appointments in town? You’re retired. You have absolutely nothing to do all day. Before you open your mouth, mahjong and bridge don’t qualify as things. I realize that 8 a.m. is mid-day to you, but people with J-O-B-S need those slots. So no appointments – anywhere – between the aforementioned hours. You’re not supposed to be on the damn roads anyway!

Pharmacy - No One Who Works Here Looks Like Your Relative Or Cares About Your Bone Spurs (Image via ush.wisc.edu)

10)  Don’t assume that people need or want to know anything about you, your former career, your military background, your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren or “the good ol days.” If we are curious about such things, we will inquire. So how do you apply this information to your visit to Florida? Let’s say you need to drop off a prescription. Don’t give me that look. You geezers take more drugs than Charlie Sheen. So, you’re at Walgreens (Not “the Walgreens” – it’s just called Walgreens. No need to insert an article in front of the name of any store.). When the clerk asks if she can help you, the appropriate response is: Yes, thank you. Here’s my prescription. What time should I return to pick it up?” She will give you a time. You can thank her again as politeness is always appreciated, but nothing more need be said.

Seriously. Don’t utter another word. Especially this: Thank you. What’s your name, dearie? I can’t quite make out your name tag. I don’t know why they make ’em so small. How am I supposed to call you by your name? Isn’t that the point of a name tag? Hold on a sec. Just let me get out my readers. (Two minutes elapse as you rummage through your purse, locate your glasses, wipe them with one of those moldy tissues from the bottom of your bag and perch them on your nose.) Oh, my. You look just like my granddaughter, Mindy. And whaddya know – your name is Cindy. How funny is that? What are the odds? Harold, come over here! Doesn’t she look just like Cindy? And her name is Mindy. Their names rhyme. Oh, Cindy, I gotta show you a picture of her. No, okay. What time did you say my prescription would be ready again? You know, I never used to have to take blood pressure medication, but ever since I developed hemorrhoids, my doctor said I should take ’em. I guess he’s worried that I could strain while on the toilet and have a heart attack. But I take an aspirin everyday. You know, one of the baby ones…” Have you caught on yet? If you do this, particularly when there is a line of people waiting behind you, it could be dangerous. Codgers have been bludgeoned to death with their own walkers for much more minor infractions.

Walking Aid Or Murder Weapon? You Choose. (Image via Wikipedia)

Now was that so bad? You probably thought I was going to be unreasonable. But I’m sure you can agree that these are simple orders that must be followed under penalty of death by firing squad requests. Following them will ensure that we all continue to co-exist in the Sunshine State peacefully. On a side note, Snowbird Season officially ends on Mother’s Day. Please make your travel arrangements to leave the state now. Right now. I’m not kidding. I’m holding a butter knife, you know. And I’m irritated. Are you dialing US Airways right this second? Good. Hurry. My neighbor’s been watching Lawrence Welk for the last three hours straight and I’m not feeling so good.

Sincerely,

The Taller Than Average Woman and Pretty Much Everyone Under the Age of Seventy in the State of Florida

99 thoughts on “Open Letter To Florida’s Snowbirds

      1. Of course. Year rounders aren’t snowbirds. You don’t fly south for winter; you’re already there. No, you should be complaining along with the rest of us. Feel free. Let it out. Vent.

  1. I’m sorry. This is from all the New Englanders who are under 70 and don’t migrate. If you think they drive you nuts in good weather, you should see them when the weather is inclement. I’ve been driven to the edge by that sweet elderly couple who stop their shopping cart in the middle of the soup aisle to have an in-depth discussion about the merits of Campbell’s over the store brand. As I approach my dotage (in about 40 years) I promise I won’t visit your lovely state. I really loved the post and am glad you don’t carry a weapon. Anyway if you’d use it you’d be let off due to mitigating circumstances.

    1. I forgot the shopping cart blockage. That would have been a great one to use. Matt and I were at the store the other day and an elderly couple’s cart was parked horizontally across the entrance to an aisle, blocking it completely. They were each five seconds from turning to dust. As we approached them, the husband consulted his shopping list and muttered, “Candy’s next.”

      “Candy?” his wife repeated, her brow furrowed with confusion.

      Shaking his head, irritated, her husband grumbled more loudly. “Yes. Candy!” With that, they finally moved their cart and slowly shuffled away.

      As Matt and I exited the aisle, I leaned towards him and whispered, “I hope we’re that old one day.”

      He replied, “Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.”

  2. Dear Cristy Carrington Lewis, I think I just fell in love with you. Period.

    PS. But totallaaaay not in a stalkerish way! Your writing inspires my mind and I cannot stop giggling and laughing (guess that’s the same thing, one’s more from the gut n belly though :). Will share. Will forward. Will drink forward! Must create shot game for “Cristy Carrington Lewis”? Use the C’s? – DRINK!

    PPS. Gotta tell someone (Hi others!) Edward James Olmos talked to me on Twitter, then Ashley Judd, and THEN – Ed Begley Jr. Umm, notice I was way more excited for the nerdy earth planet saver type? he he he DRINK!

    1. Yay! A drinking game named after me. That is seriously the biggest honor yet. You could also have everyone drink every time I say uber, willy-nilly or creepy. Though I’m not sure any of those actually made their way into my last post, they are popular Cristy-isms. Perhaps everyone could be forced to drink twice when those words appear. Wow. I feel like Andy Cohen and I have my own show on Bravo and I’m well-dress and gay and…erm, scratch that last one. I’m gorgeous, yeah…thin and gorgeous. I’m feelin’ this idea Savvy.

      So Share and RT and then send me that book on Tweeting like I asked and drink some more.

      Congrats on all the responses from uber famous people (see, you were supposed to take a shot just then – I don’t give a shit if it’s not even 8 in the morning). I’d be pretty excited about Ed Begley, Jr., too. You know, he can power his toaster with his bicycle. Takes an uber smart dude (see I did it again – DRINK!!!) to make breakfast through aerobic exercise.

      Thanks for all the blog love! I promise to keep trying to make you giggle and keep you completely drunk.

  3. This is absolutely hilarious. I’m a recent, permanent addition to Florida & have yet to experience the migration of the beautiful yet clearly endangered Snow Birds. I may just print out multiple copies of this post & leave one on every unattended walker I come across.

  4. While all four of my parents are currently in Florida from Toronto, only two are above 70 and neither of them fall under the very generalized view of senior citizens. Unless they change when they cross the border, my parents all drive fast, drink booze, make decisions quickly, eat quality meals after 7:30, have excellent bladder control, are classy enough not to fart in public, are great listeners and read books more than they watch loud television. Maybe that is why this post irritated me, but I am obviously in the minority but felt the need to balance the feedback.

    Cheers.

      1. It’s nice to know that jaykaygee’s parents “drive fast, drink booze, and make decisions quickly”. Do you think they do it simultaneously?

      2. And now that I think about it, yes-the-hell they DO change when they cross the border. The Georgia Florida border! Jaykaygee was but a child the last time he went on vacation with his 4 parents. He has no earthly idea what they morph into when they get here.

  5. Ha! Good to see we have the same intense hatred of check writing and gintense impatience with old people! Did you catch my “little old ladies and baby monkeys?” Would love to get your feedbackon it.Thanks for this – Highly entertaining and well written as usual!

  6. You said the snow birds are in Florida for 4 to 5 months a year? I thought is was 6 months-and-a-day minimum! For tax reasons, of course (something about automobile registration?). Please confirm.

  7. Congratulations to nicolemjkim for being my 700th subscriber. You win nothing, of course, but my undying admiration and a huge shout out for being the most recent of my followers – of which there are an arbitrary even number that starts with 7 (which, for some reason, is the most popular of favorite numbers). Thus, it is appropriate that we celebrate you right now. Again, thank you for your support and for showing up at this random, yet happy moment!

      1. Holy Hell…you should have said something sooner. For you, as a subscriber of a completely random and unknown number, I’m going to ask my dear friend, Samuel L. Jackson to congratulate you.

        “Congratu-motherfuckin’-lations on subscribing to the motherfuckin’ blog.” – Samuel L. Jackson*

        * That’s completely made up. I don’t know Samuel L. Jackson, nor does he endorse my blog. But he should. And I follow him on Twitter. As should you. Actually, he’s not that interesting on Twitter. I am, though. Follow me instead. If he says anything interesting, I promise to notify you immediately.

      2. Erm…no. But he co-starred in Pulp Fiction, one of the Die Hard movies and Snakes on a Plane. In the latter, he became famous for saying stuff like, “I don’t like no motherfuckin’ snakes on no motherfuckin’ plane.” He’s a bad ass! In our home, a message from Samuel L. Jackson is like a message from God. Except this one isn’t really from him; it’s from me. But it’s the thought that counts.

      3. Sorry, that was a joke. Years ago my BFF and I had a discussion that we always get Samuel L Jackson and Lawrence Fishburne confused. It seems we are not alone in our confusion (and since you brought up SLJ, I assumed you were enough of a fan to know that, but since you didn’t, well, I won’t heckle you much, this being your house and all) ANYHOO! Now it’s a running joke (for everyone but Cristy) so much so that in January of 98 SLJ hosted SNL and opened his monologue with, “In case you are confused, no, I am not Lawrence Fishburne and I am not Morgan Freeman, I am Samuel L. Jackson.” (source snltranscripts.jt.org) and coincidentally, the monologue went on to include some of that colorful language you say he likes to use. (I myself have never been much of a fan, and now that I think about it, I have never seen Pulp Fiction) Since I am still monopolizing your blog space, I have to include this I found while looking this up. (I can’t imagine being SLJ and having this conversation with someone).

        “Many people think Samuel L. Jackson and Laurence Fishburne look a lot alike. This has become a running joke between them. In an interview, Sam once said: “People shout at me “Hey, loved that The Matrix, man!” Yeah – me too. I was actually on a plane last year and this guy sat down next to me. Finally he said something to me, and we started talking about Pulp Fiction. He couldn’t remember the actor’s name, so I tried to help and said “I think it might have been Samuel Jackson.” He jumped in “No, no, it’s the other guy, that Fishburne guy”. We rode the whole flight having that conversation and then, right at the end, he looked hard at me and said, “You sure look familiar, you’re sure you’re not Laurence Fishburne?” I said “No, and I definitely am not in Pulp Fiction either’.” (Source: just google Samuel L Jackson not Lawrence Fishburne)

        ps: Cristy, your house is your house but everyone knows God is always played by Morgan Freeman.

        xoxoxoxo

      4. Re: Morgan Freeman – in my post “In Search of “The Holy White Man” you’ll see that I acknowledge Mr. Freeman’s godliness. I also have a secret crush on him (not so secret, now).

        As far as being able to tell Lawrence Fishburne apart from Samuel L. Jackson, it is easier for me than others as I am in a bi-racial marriage. All black people don’t look the same to me and my husband. We have special lenses that cover our eyes (mine dropped the moment I married Matt) which permit us to distinguish the facial features of people of non-white races; hence, my ability to look at Fishburne and say, “I loved you in Pee Wee’s Playhouse” – which I did – instead of asking him how he enjoyed driving that Miss Daisy around or if he’s really afraid of motherfuckin’ snakes.

        But I’m glad Sam Jackson has addressed the issue for all the white people out there. In the meantime, you should watch Pulp Fiction because it’s brilliant and it doesn’t star Lawrence Fishburne, who, though talented, would have completely destroyed Tarantino’s career and ensured that John Travolta’s come-back never came. Make no mistake – Samuel L. Jackson is GOD in that film. Even Morgan Freeman would have put his hands up in the air in defeat, then removed his white suit and handed it – carefully, very carefully – to Mr. Jackson. Don’t fuck with a black man whispering Bible verses at you while holding a large gun.

      5. I’m sorry, did you say, “Don’t fuck a black man whispering Bible verses at you while holding a large gun”?

        Don’t tell me what to do.

      6. LMAO. Neither I nor my BFF think SLJ and LF they look remotely alike, all the more reason we were annoyed at ourselves for not being able to instantly put the correct name to the actor’s face we see in the movie memory in our heads. I happen to also experience the same confused, name-pulling trick with Bill Pullman (who I love like Tom Hanks, and who I imagine in real life to be just like his character in “While You Were Sleeping”) and Bill Paxton (who I hate, and who I imagine in real life to be just like his character in “Weird Science”). My Alzheimer’s is non-discriminatory.

        Hey, do you have to be married to get a set of those lenses? And do they come in white? I would like to purchase some as gifts. I am the spitting image of every blonde, white woman you have ever seen.

  8. It took me two days, three six-packs, and an entire bottle of NyQuil to pick my favorite line, but the winner is: “As you age, some things get better. Women stop menstruating and don’t need to shave anything but their faces.”

    Nobody ever told me that at the tender age of 41 I’d be forced to start plucking my chin. If they had I would have hit up Jack Kevorkian (who, I’m told, spent A LOT of time in Florida before he died) posthaste.

    Brilliant as always bestie! I’m tweeting and posting this on FB before the octogenarians figure out what social media is and storm the Florida Turnpike in revolt.

    1. You are the best, bestie! Whole bottle of Nyquil, huh? In a few hours, you’re gonna wake up and say to yourself, “I wrote WHAT on her comment page? I don’t remember even reading that post.” After all, the reason that Matt and I sleep under a Hogwarts blanket every night is because I let him loose in the mall while high on Nyquil – on Christmas Eve. I got some very unusual gifts that year. Feel better!

  9. Bahaha can I borrow these rules? We get all the southern geriatrics up here in the north during the summer. Right about mid-June, my tiny northwestern valley fills to the brim with gargantuan RVs that don’t even fit down our roads, running everyone else off the road and taking up every parking space in town when they want to get out to see the adorable wooden sidewalks.

    I feel your pain.

  10. I am 69 and take offence at this. Not because some it isn’t true but because the writer to ignorant to express themselves without swearing and because they haven’t the intelligence to see that us non-snowbirds are the problem. The only business that we cultivate is tourism. Our children will be waiters, bartenders, blackjack dealers, race car drivers, professional athletes or drug dealers because; the year round residents do not care about educating children, politicians only care about quick money and we apparently aspire only to making fun of a situation that we have created and contribute to.

    With the spineless population we have the simple solution is kill all the wildlife, pave everything over and make fun of old folks and snort, shoot of smoke whatever is available.

    1. Dennis…it’s a fucking humor blog. Lighten up, man! There’s an excellent forum for your points; it’s called The Huffington Post. Have at it. In the meantime, I’m going to draft another swear-filled blog post because I am uber ignorant.

      1. So Dennis, you are 69 are you? I take offence at that. You are apparently too ignorant to express your age without using that filthy number. You disgust me. And I how dare you besmirch race car drivers by including them in the same heathen list as bartenders, blackjack dealers, professional athletes and drug dealers. What the hell is wrong with you? (and where were politicians in that sentence???)

        And as far as children as waiters and bartenders? Don’t be ridiculous, they’re not tall enough to even reach the beer taps until they are 12 or 13.

  11. oh lord, do aarp members really put their depends any old place? this frightens me. frightens me to my very core. like that woman who wore depends to chase after her astronaut boyfriend’s girlfriend. it lacks dignity! lol. great piece. loved.

  12. Nice. I occasionally work with the elderly and you nailed it. Fortunately, my interactions are usually 45 minutes or less – unless I look like their nephew Phillip, in which case I lose track of time and move slowly toward the door.

  13. So I have to say, I have been enjoying your blog for a few months now. But nothing thrilled me more than when someone else on this planet acknowledged how annoying it is when people say “the Jewel” or “the Blockbuster” It drives me absolutely bonkers when people do this in conversation. You don’t have to do it!!!! It’s completely unnecessary! And yet people do it all the time in conversations with me.

    Here is my rule about this. The only time it is even remotely acceptable to use the word “the” before a place, is if you are being specific about which one you are referencing. Ex) “Yesterday, while I was at the Jewel on Irving Park Rd, near the Gallery of Hair salon, I decided I should probably get vacuum bags and pool filters.” or “Tomorrow, when I stop by the Walgreen’s on Harlem Ave, I will also pop in Hhgregg and get those memory cards you’ve been wanting.”

    These are unacceptable statements: “Oh yah, Imma go pick up my photos at the CVS tomorrow, fo sho.” Yes, I realize I’m being dramatic by using gag-worthy local colloquialisms but you get it.

    Anyway, my point is. THANK YOU FOR POINTING THIS OUT! Now I feel less nit-picky and more…. what’s the word I want to use, selective. I am glad someone else has similar verbal standards.

  14. Great post, it is April 20th and the only snowbirds that remain here in Manatee county are stragglers, it takes half the time to get to work at University at Lakewood Ranch and 75% less time to get to the planet fitness on West Manatee LOL. This is spot on and I am sure we missed a few other nuisances that the snowbirds propose to us residents. Like how they all play golf but most suck miserably, or how they say everything in “Insert northern state” is better except for the winter weather….has anyone here been to Michigan, Ohio or Indiana….YIKES those states are just BORING and DEPRESSING and the people are nasally and annoying.

    1. I miss the fleeing of the Snow Birds in April and May. Taking University anywhere during season must have been a nightmare. I feel for you, Michael. However, I feel more for me since every trip on 275 involves crawling at some point, if not the entire trip. People from Ohio are really nice. I used to sell many Ohions places down in South Florida and I finally started asking my clients why they were leaving “X” state. My Ohio clients hated the weather and just about everything about Ohio. It can’t be all that bad. All the Ohions I’ve know personally have been terrific people.

  15. One thing was forgotten – these “old coots” can be SO RUDE in stores. Pulling shopping carts to the side in an aisle is for younger folks apparently. Today one was actually polite and asked if she could get something from the shelf where my cart stood, so I began to move backwards and another coot said, “Don’t move – I’m right behind you!!!” The only “safe time” to shop in Southwest Florida is late at night. By the way, they are not called “snowbirds” because of the time of year they grace us with their presence; they are called “snowbirds” because of their terrible attitudes!

  16. Today, I went to the beach front with my kids. I found a sea
    shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and
    screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched
    her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally
    off topic but I had to tell someone!

  17. I totally agree with the job thing. I work in downtown sarasota and can tell you the birds drive me crazy. I go out for a haircut at noon and the place is full if old dudes that should have got their hair cut at 10 am. Also panera and Starbucks are snowy headquarters. Happy hour is snowy hour. Btw I speed up for snowies crossing the road

  18. I just found this blog when I entered “I hate snowbirds” in my search engine. I’m in Key West and stood behind them at the Artisan’s Market where they hoarded/gorged upon the cheese samples faster than the store employee could cut them….because FUCK forbid these d-bags PAY for lunch….or drive the speed limit (as you said)….or TIP our waitstaff!!!! Do I sound bitter?

  19. I would like to add this,when you are being cashed out at any business and there are 75,000 customers in line behind you,DO NOT spend two fucking hours digging around for exact change.The cashier will happily provide you with change.Will someone please explain old women’s obsession with exact change?

    1. That’s an excellent blog topic! We could add to that, older women’s obsession with tissue, multi-compartment purses and television shows about women who kill their husbands or boyfriends. Thanks for dropping by, Kim!

  20. My 7-year-old daughter and I went to a restaurant the late afternoon of Saturday, December 20th. We were nearly run over by an elderly person in a car in the parking lot as we were walking up to the restaurant. After recovering from the situation, we continued walking to the front door. The car backed up immediately and prevented us from walking any further. We went through the front door and the person from this car passed us by in line, and ordered a beer and made small talk with the employees at the cash register. After ordering our food, we walked to the bathroom to wash our hands, and this same person ran ahead of us and went into the bathroom, locking the door and making us wait. We took our life in our hands today when we went out to eat–stay home and use your manners!

    1. Unfortunately, our family ran into another unpleasant situation today in southern Florida. We sit down to enjoy a nice family movie together at the cinema. I’m shutting down my phone as the movie is about to begin. This old codger sitting behind me says,”MA’AM, SHUT OFF YOUR PHONE – IT IS VERY DISTRACTING!”

      Keep your pants on, Grandpa, I was just powering down! SMFH

  21. Without a doubt, there is an large element of envy and resentment in this: medical appointments are reserved a year in advance by both locals who leave for the winter, and seasonal people. This is smart on their part. However, here I am in Maine, not a large hub of medical care anyway, distances to specialists are especially far, and with a newly-diagnosed cardiac problem, and, although doctors are expressing “urgency” about my having this and that done, the appointments only open up at the end of August. It is May. Most of the specialists I need are in the office only one day a week, (the one day I cannot get there), and that’s due to the influx, or, should I say, “reflux,” of people returning and needing non-emergent care, but who, because of their vast resources, see physicians who are more than happy to accept their vast insurance. Many can pay outright, although they don’t want to.

    How sick are these people anyway? They haul ass and household thousands of miles twice, or more a year. Really ill people can’t do this.

    Winter brings vast difficulties travelling to physician offices. Obviously. But that’s when you can get an appointment pretty darn quick. Unfortunately, the docs are all worn out from the influx of summer patients, so that’s what you get: worn out doctors and medical staff, IF you are able to get to a physician safely. As a rule, it is better, I think, to go out of state for care year-round, if you’re a year-rounder, because, let’s face it – a place like Boston, has a more even ebb and flow. And, of course, you’re a year-rounder, so you don’t share your great experiences of when you are not here with the staff, and you are boring to them. (Another count against you, and your quality of care).

    As one of them, in age, anyway, I resent the entitlement. Here you have people with retirement incomes, not counting Social Security, that are more than what many people earn during their worklife. Yet, in addition, they get Social Security checks. This is just wrong. There should be an income cap above which, no Social Security. Think of how many doctors could be hired with that money – doctors who would treat year-rounders.

    The “entitlers” also behave as if the are owed the world, even if it’s to make a fuss about getting their Senior discount of 10% on a taco. Most of these guys could afford to purchase the damn franchise. How do I know this? They talk about how much money they have – how many homes, RVs, boats, you name it, they have. What great vacation spots they go to. No. These people do not need Social Security checks.

    There are some, of course, who do not foul up everything. I like those two.

  22. I was an outsider, this is my first Florida summer and I’m finding it not so bad at all. Coming on close to a year here as an actual resident and I have to agree, not much common sense going around, especially on the road and during winter in general.

    1. Depending on where you are, it’s not terrible, but having a sea breeze seems to be critical to keeping cool in Florida. Being inland can be unbearable this time of year. The driving sucks all over the state. 🙂

      1. Actually, that may have more to do with driving in more than one lane at a time…although the amazing part is that the weed INHALED is free, courtesy of neighbors in my condo complex who share their wandering clouds of skunk-scented glory with us all. I’ll trade you a check-writer for a hillbilly.

      2. Sorry, even in Florida, we don’t consider weed smokers “hillbillies.” The check-writers are much more dangerous and worse drivers than someone using cannabis for their glaucoma or chronic pain. You should probably thank your neighbors for sharing.

    1. No, these are real hillbillies and the only chronic pain is that of their nonsmoking neighbors. I voted for legalization precisely for medical needs without fully thinking things through (like suddenly everyone has a “need” and a right except those who do not want the stuff drifting into their houses) Hashtag: regrettingmyvote.

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