As with all As Seen On TV! products, I was blown away by the revolutionary new baking craze that is sweeping the nation. Bake Pops. Yes, I know. It’s mind-blowing. Cake on a stick. ON A STICK! Certainly, a nuclear physicist or Nobel winning scientist was behind this invention. What are Bake Pops, you ask? Seriously? You don’t know? Some of us clearly aren’t reading Wired, Newsweek, Time, Popular Science or Woman’s Day. Bake Pops are small round cakes with a stick inserted into them so that they can be dipped in frosting or chocolate and decorated to your liking.
No more eating cake off a plate. Talk about a nuisance. If I had a dime for every time someone turned to me at a party and said, “Cristy, I’d rather have a root canal than eat this slice of carrot cake off a plate with a fork. What a hassle!” To begin with, you’ve got to have napkins, forks, and plates available – and in an economy like ours, that’s just not a given. I can’t tell you how often I’ve simply fallen to my knees and sobbed upon discovering that Wal-Mart was out of plastic forks…again. Have you any idea how embarrassing it is to ask your party guests to eat cake with their fingers? Their nails become sticky with frosting and then they need extra napkins. Like you’ve got plenty of those to go around. It’s not like paper just grows on trees. Suddenly, you’re a friggin’ napkin ATM machine.
As a civilized society, we’re expected to multi-task – particularly at parties. Despite the fact that everyone – our families, our employers, our friends, our Facebook friends, our LinkedIn contacts, our fellow bloggers, our Twitter followers, our co-workers, our former co-workers whom we avoid because they left under less-than-favorable circumstances, and people we pretend to like at Starbucks, but just so they don’t spit in our pumpkin lattes – expect us to be able to do more in less time, we still only have two hands and ten fingers (unless you’re a carpenter, in which case, make that eight or nine fingers).
If there’s one thing there’s never enough of at parties, it’s chairs and tables. This is assuming you attend good parties. Now if the guy at work who picks his nose and keeps his boogers on a piece of notebook paper in his top desk drawer invites you to a party at his mother’s house, there is a chance that they’ll be plenty of places to sit and tables upon which to rest your paper plate. However, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, so the odds are that you’ll be standing around trying to juggle your plate, fork, and napkin in one hand, with your cell phone tucked under one armpit and a glass of punch in the other. And maybe Larry from down the street, slipped a little something into that punch. Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge. Which means you’ll be tipsy. Or sloshed.
As you know, this is when things spin out of control. Melanie, that fabulous hair stylist you’ve been dying to get an appoint with, is there and is willing to work you into her schedule. Scraping your cake to one side of your plate with your fork, you set your cup of punch next to it. Then, withdrawing your cell from your armpit, you attempt, one-handed, to enter Melanie’s contact information. But you’ve had more than a few sips of Larry’s mysterious brew. Your balance is a little off. The hand holding the plate shakes from the added and poorly-distributed weight of the punch glass, and the pink liquid splashes onto the freshly-mopped, tile floor. Your phone rings in the middle of entering the appointment date and time into your calendar and, as you struggle to answer it without having to re-enter the information, you slip on the spilled punch and fall. Landing on your back, you watch in horror as the plate flies into the air, then plummets towards your head. When it’s all said and done, you’ve got a plastic fork in your eye and your hostess is pissed off because of all the napkins you’ve used to sop up the blood. But thanks to Bake Pops, that will never happen again.
Nor will Granny break her good hip in the inevitable frosting slip ‘n fall accident. Every year, thousands of elderly people slip on icing at their grandkids’ birthday parties. Most will die in the hospital of pneumonia – a common complication. Is serving a cake the size of a coffee table worth Papa Joe lying cold and dead in a grave? Is writing out “Happy Birthday, Amber” on a pink cake with a unicorn theme worth the loss of fourteen more years with Nana Gertrude? I don’t think so. Preserve a future for your children with their rambling, incoherent and crippled elders by purchasing Bake Pops. You can dip them (the Bake Pops, not their elders) in pink chocolate and sprinkle them with silver (inedible) snowflakes for little Amber next year. It’s almost like the real thing. Not quite. But then, how will your children ever experience feeding their grandparents by hand – and wiping the baby food and spittle off their mouths – unless you convert to the new Bake Pops revolution? Would you deprive your parents of their second childhood? I think not.
Of course, every hostess is worried about one of her guests choking to death because, in an attempt to emulate the Man vs. Food host, one loser will try to cram an entire slice of cake into his mouth at once. Nothing’s worse than having to explain to the paramedics, the medical examiner and the dead idiot’s wife that the deceased inadvertently killed himself because he thought he could top the portly Travel Channel television host. “Watch me while I cram this entire cake into my mouth within the next two minutes!” he’d cried triumphantly. For the last time. Don’t let this happen to you. Why spend unnecessary hours being questioned by detectives, comforting the dead moron’s widow, and paying a cleaning crew to clean up the urine and other fluids that tend to ooze out of a body upon death when you can simply buy Bake Pops? It’s impossible for a drunken guest to squeeze an entire slice of cake into his mouth at once because Bake Pops are bite-sized.
In addition to preventing permanent disfigurement and death, this amazing new product will also help you avoid committing many of the dreaded, social faux-paux associated with cake serving and cake eating etiquette. For example, cutting the cake. Who does it? The birthday girl, the hostess, the guy with the Bowie knife in his sock? Do you begin cutting in the corner or, in the event that you’re serving the classic bikini cake, do you start with a nipple for the birthday boy?
How do you determine cake slice size? For example, do you give a translucent slice to the fat girl? What do you do if the fat girl passes her skinny piece to Nicole Ritchie (What? She doesn’t come to all of your parties? That’s ’cause you haven’t been serving Bake Pops!) and asks for the chunky, corner slice you’ve just plated – the one with all the frosting and three blue rosettes? If you were serving Bake Pops, this would never be an issue. Bake Pops are all the same size. Unlike cake slices, Bake Pops can be exactly the same. Not different, but equal. Yes, equal. If you choose, your Bake Pops can all be the same color, with the same sprinkles and the same number of rosettes. Or, if you’re planning a tea party, the vanilla Pops can be richer and taxed at a lower rate than the chocolate Pops…but that’s totally up to you.
A generous company, Bake Pops isn’t only committed to preventing blindness, saving lives and promoting portion-controlled diets, it is sincerely committed to recycling. In light of this fact, here are some other great ways in which you can use Bake Pops’s patented “stick” to bring even more efficiency, safety and enjoyment into your life.
1) Egg Pops: Tired of chopping your hard-boiled eggs using one of those uber-complicated, one step, egg slicers? Why not insert the Bake Pop stick into your egg instead? Save yourself all that sweaty, difficult, single-step slicing and let your teeth do the work for you! That is what your chompers were designed for.
2) Potato Pops: Try grilling these babies along with some New York strip steaks at your next pool party. Dip them in sour cream and chives – and your guests will be talking about them over the water cooler on Monday. Watch out! They can be a little warm in the middle.
3) Brussels Pops: Tell your kids that they’re cabbage-flavored lollipops – and serve them with plenty of butter. Kids love butter. And at their age, cholesterol really isn’t an issue, now is it?
4) Onion Pops: Talk about the perfect pre-date appetizer for your teens. No one’s gonna get pregnant at this Homecoming Dance. And no cooking required! Looking for a twist? Try it with a bulb of fresh garlic. Your eyes will burst into flames just trying to read a Twilight novel.
5) Poop Pops: For us dog lovers, we know nothing satiates our canine’s appetite more than another dog’s feces. Or, if your pooch is into the exotic, try using kitty poo – the litter tastes just like vanilla sprinkles to them! Don’t forget – nothing compliments an ass-kabob like a little au jus dipping sauce. Rover will lap it right up.
6) Soylent Pops: Looking to keep your carbon footprint as small as possible? Why not dine on your like-minded, green counterparts who, instead of dedicating their bodies to science, dedicated them to sustenance? To keep the cycle-of-life turning – and as green as possible – consider nourishing another human with your flesh and celebrate in the knowledge that no paper or plastic products will be used in the serving of your dead, cooked corpse.
7) Salt Pops: Why should a cow enjoy the ease of a salt lick whenever it wants, when you’ve got to concern yourself with seasoning your food or salting the rim of your margarita glass? Why rip open teeny tiny containers of salt or struggle with the hardened white mass stuck inside the restaurant shaker when you can carry your own discreet salt pop everywhere you go? What – you want to do shots? No problem. Lick your Salt Pop, slam that tequila and then suck on a slice of lime. Easily shared, Salt Pops will make you the favorite drunk at the bar.
For more information on Bake Pops, tune in to your favorite television station late at night when advertising is cheap or check out the demo on You Tube: Bake Pops Demo. Your kid’s eye could depend on it.
37 thoughts on “Cake? You’ll Poke Your Eye Out, Kid!”
Hahaha too funny!
All food tastes better on a stick for sure. Spaghetti on a stick is tricky, but can be done. Re: cake slice sizes–I used to work with a woman who asked people if they wanted a “city” slice or a “country” slice. She always chose country slices for herself; they were as big as all outdoors, but for some reason she was not. Weird.
Matt suggested spaghetti on a stick. My reaction, “How does that work?” You two are so similar it’s scary. Love the city vs. country slice. Despite my recent voluptuous moment, I usually request the equivalent of a “city” slice when at a party. Then again, I’m not a big cake person. Except for red velvet with cream cheese frosting. Screw the cake…just give me the frosting. Cake is, after all, just a frosting delivery system.
So does this spell the end of cake wrecks?
I doubt it. Cake’s will drink and drive recklessly despite the best intentions. There will likely be an increase in BPDUIs – Bake Pops Driving while Under the Influence. And if you calculate how many Bake Pops would exist in order to satiate a cake crowd, that’s a lot of potentially drunk BPs.
I am highly amused. xD
I am switching to cake pops immediately! Forget my years of planning the perfect triple layer mermaid cakes, purse cakes, princess cakes, monster truck cakes, baseball cakes, gumdrop mountain cakes…. it’s all over now! Never again will I endanger my elderly party-attendees with my selfish need to create masterpiece cakes. And to think, I have been wasting all these forks! I feel so ashamed. But they say the first step to solving a problem is to face it. I’m ready… cake pops it is from now on. I will survive birthday season without another slice!
Awesome! Take another sip of the Kool-Aid.
Great post! The image of the dead man’s liquid contents flooding the kitchen floor have been permanently embedded in my mind. Thanks.
Bet you’ll buy Bake Pops next time.
On a slight tangent…
From an Australian’s perspective, the ability for a man like Adam Richman to not only STAR in his own show, but to STAR in his on show about eating TERRIBLE food seems to be an apt allegory on American Society.
Well said. That’s why you won the Versatile Blogger Award.
OK the poop pops had me rolling! I was trying to picture the person gathering material for that photo! At country fairs everything is either deep fried or on a stick – or both! Excellent research!
America gets all the good stuff… cake pops sound like my idea of a spiffing good time. We British love a nice piece of cake, don’t you know?
You should definitely start marketing egg-pops. It would solve my daily dilemma of whether to have breakfast or be on time for work. Anyone can eat an egg-pop while walking down the street. Not so a plate of fried eggs.
There is another As Seen On TV product that is supposed to hardboil eggs for you, after you crack them into these little egg-shaped, plastic caskets. I guess the point is that it’s so HARD to peel a hardboiled egg. Really? Try putting together all the parts of those plastic caskets, oiling them before hand, washing them afterwards. I’m pissed off that I bought one. I feel suckered.
So that WAS you following me around at Larry’s party! By any chance, did you happen to find a pair of ultra nude control top pantyhose, size portly short while you were there? Somehow I seem to have misplaced mine…
Ok, the pictures are totally making me laugh… gotta come back and read in between… man. You are a blogging MACHINE
Imagine what I could do if I was getting paid. Anyone out there listening? Hire me to write funny for you!
I have a friend who’s brother-in-law thought chicken on a stick was going to be the new craze. You really don’t need a stick to eat chicken with your fingers. Right? Needless to say that idea didn’t fly.
And didn’t the Thai people think of that a gazillion years ago? Chicken satay. A personal favorite.
We had to bake a dessert for the company picnic not long ago, and I guess what we decided on was the lazy version of these: cake balls. Exactly the same, just without the stick. My excuse? We were going green. =P
Cake balls just sounds like the dangly bits you find hanging between a cake’s legs.
I actually know a carpenter who lost a finger (ringman), which is fortunate because he is absolutely NOT marriage material. What about fake appendage pops? You could make them vodka-flavored, the aforementioned carpenter could roll it around his mouth while working, cut his finger off (which he doesn’t feel, because he’s LOADED from the vodka-infused fake appendage pop) and smack the uniquely shaped fake appendage right onto the spot where the real finger was severed. I bet there’d be a spike in online carpentry courses if you invented that one, and University of Phoenix would hit you up to place a huge banner ad on your site.
Love it, as always! You’re the most talented blog bestie on the planet!
I’m your only blog bestie on the planet. 🙂 You keep comin’ up with these ideas. I’m telling you, we could make a mill!
Poop pops. That’s awesome. I love how you did your own test-kitchen thing for this one…Brussell sprouts on a stick could actually work.
Bake pops are a hoot. They just prove that some agile-brained pitchman can sell anything. I could do Brussels Sprouts on a Stick, hold the stick of butter. Oh yeah, Adam Richman has given up stuffing himself into a jumbo pants size. He’s got MvF Nation where non-pros take on food challenges and get their fifteen minutes of fame.
He had to do something or he was going to die of a heart attack any minute!
As always – sublime brilliance! Love it Cristy, keep them coming. Thought you should knoww I finally did it… published my 1st blog… did it make you feel a little dizzy the 1st time???
Anyway, as a form of shameless promotion – my blog is at poundofoldham and called ‘and now for something totally absurd…’ – hope you get a chance to take a look. As an admirer of yours, I value your opinion highly.
Especially because you seem like the kind of gal who is honest enoug to tell me to keep my day job.
Congratulations! I will absolutely check out your blog. Woo hoo. Yes, it was utterly dizzying the first time I posted and I was terrified that people would either write hateful comments or throw imaginary tomatoes at my blog or, worse, completely ignore me. But blogging people are so lovely. I’m certain you’ll be feeling it soon!
and now for something totally absurd…, the new blog by poundofoldham is scary funny. Pee your pants hilarious. Read the first post and you’ll find that peeing your pants isn’t a huge problem really. There’s a product out there that serves many uses – including accommodating adult diapers – but this blogger has taken the obvious a step further and solved a social issue that has been plaguing both our youth and our easily-offended elderly. Yay! Congrats on an awesome first post!
I cracked up when I saw the picture of the egg pop. I bet you had fun rummaging through your refrigerator. But, honestly, the photo of the old lady in the bed….lol…I was just taking a sip of my Coke and almost spit it out I laughed so hard. I would surely think of you while hitting sticky keys while trying to type. Great post. I think it is my favorite one so far.
Thank you. Wow. I’m so feeling the love. BTW, I bought the Brussels sprouts expressly for the photo shoot. Like I’d eat them without a stick of butter. And I’m on a diet.
Ok, I LOVE the alternate pops part, great! Call me kooky, but I could actually see “potato pops” as an appetizer… with those tiny purple or fingerling potatoes? Bite-sized and dippable. Perfect! Also love the brussels… The butter part made me laugh because I once met someone in England shose afterschool snack as a kid was literally a STICK OF BUTTER ROLLED IN SUGAR. Seriously. Made my aorta shiver just thinking about it.
I agree that fingerling pops (what a name, huh?) could work as an option. Your butter story cracked me up because my mother is German and she used to make me butter and sugar sandwiches growing up. When she sent me to school with one, however, there was hell to pay. I guess it’s a European thing.
Now I’m thinking I should have included “Butter Pops.” That would have been awesome!
Oh this was hilarious!! I really enjoyed reading it! Thank you for lighting up a dull workday 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it. I’ll be posting again by next week. Been on hiatus during a move to a new city.