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Seven More Things? Really?

The Versatile Blogger Award!

This will be my shortest post ever. Except for Savannah Glasses – which I won’t even provide a link for because it’s just a photo and an excuse for not writing. Why so short? It’s very late. I’m extremely tired. I’m not funny when I’m sleepy. Actually, I am funny, but it’s because I snore and, according to my husband, it’s an entirely different kind of funny. More like You Tube funny. I hope he doesn’t read this post. Look, if you see a You Tube video out there entitled: “Hilarious Female Blogger Snoring Like a Water Buffalo” – don’t watch it. But flag it for inappropriate content. And send the poster a nasty, threatening email.

The relative briefness of this post will likely be a relief for many of you who have become accustomed to my marathon blogs – one of which, by the way, was read by a runner while competing in the Boston Marathon, but he couldn’t finish it in time – my post, not the marathon. But I don’t think he was a very fast reader. Just ’cause you have thighs of steel and can move them as rapidly as a hummingbird’s wings doesn’t mean there’s anything snapping and popping up there in your gray matter. What, you ask? Am I ever going to get to the point or will I pen 2000+ words on the shortest post I’m ever going write?

Fine!

The ever-so-kind and most recent recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award, ksnapped – who also loves shiny and sparkly things – has nominated me for…The Versatile Blogger Award. I’m simply verklempt. In less than a month, the wonderful wordpress.com blogging staff and/or community has seen fit to Freshly Press me (which made me no thinner, but smoothed out some of my cellulite), and award me both the 7×7 Link Blogging Award and, now, The Versatile Blogger Award.

As with the 7×7, these awards are essentially the chain letters of the blogging award industry. Still, I never win anything. Even my husband dissuades me from buying lottery tickets because my luck is abysmal. So, secretly, I’m thrilled. On the outside, I’m jaded and sighing over the fact that I have to do this again so soon. Don’t you want to kill me right now? I would. What a total ass, huh? Go ahead. Seriously. Do it. If you do, I’m done with the post. Done. I’m free. Maybe I’ll be reincarnated as one of Ricky Gervais’ pets. No takers? Pussies. My offer is rescinded.

THE RULES

1) Add the Versatile Blogger Award to your post. Done

2) Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog. Done

3) Share 7 completely random pieces of information about myself. See Below

4) Include this set of rules in your post. Done

5) Nominate 10 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award in this post. See Belower  (I know it’s not a word, but it should be.)

6) Notify each of the nominees by posting a comment on each of their blogs. I’m going to cheat here and send them all an email if possible. Why? Because then I can send ONE email.

PART THREE

I must admit that part of me is reluctant to reveal another seven personal things about myself. After all, you know what a private person I am. I hate to talk about myself, my past, the terrible dresses my mother made me wear, my addictions, my dead dog, my hatred for people who can be witty at a moment’s notice, my dislike of sonnets, and my love of little people. So, of course, sharing this kind of information gives me the heebie-jeebies. But, as always, I am willing to suffer for my art.

1) I used to play the flute, but the only thing I ever learned to play well was the theme song to Mork and Mindy. This comes up often at parties. “C’mon, Cristy. Na Nu, Na Nu. Take me back to Ork,” but my time as a flautist is over. Stop asking, Robin. Williams. You can’t go back in time. Take the rainbow suspenders off, you hairy freak.

No, Mork. I Don't Have The Power To Send You Back. Go Back To Stand-Up, Man! (Image via Wikipedia)

2) If I wasn’t already happily married to my true love, I would marry Jimmy Stewart. Yes, I realize he’s dead, but that wouldn’t stop me. I’d dig up his corpse and use whatever scientific means possible to reanimate his lifeless body until we could consummate our relationship. Nothin’ wrong with zombie love.

3) The first poem I ever wrote was entitled, “Punk the Skunk.” Even as a young child, my future was paved with combat boots, ripped fishnets and black eyeliner. Sometimes, I wonder if my father is The Clash. Not any particular member. The whole band. (Sorry, Mom!)

The Clash - Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad? (Image via Wikipedia)
My First Car. Really. Type Gullwing Mercedes As The Security Question Answer And See Where That Gets You (Image via Wikipedia)

4) I’m pretty sure these awards were started by identity thieves who troll our blogs for personal information so that they can answer security questions proffered by our banks and credit card companies. I’m gonna make it easier for them. My birthday is July 4, 1776. My mother’s maiden name is Doe. My best friend’s last name is Kardashian. (I think I just lost a little bit of my soul by writing that.) My husband and I met at a naked car wash. My first car was a 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300 SL Alloy Gullwing and it sucked because I really wanted a new car. Oh, and my Social Security number is 111-11-1111. Really. Hello, look at my birth date! You know I had to be like the first person to get one…ever.

5) I voted for President Obama. I’m going to vote for him again. That’s not a joke. Remember, during the last election, when conservatives used to make fun of our President’s first name? “What the hell kinda name is Barack?” At least our President isn’t named after a lizard or something you use to remove a hot pan from the oven. Talk about throwing stones at glass houses.

Newt Gingrich - Didn't He Ruin Christmas Or Something? (Image via Wikipedia)

6) When I was a senior in high school, I told Judd Nelson he “f**king sucked” after he was rude to a friend of mine and made her cry. I’ve since forgiven him for the incident. I haven’t forgiven him for getting a crew cut or for the film, Lost Voyage. Floppy hair works for exactly two actors: Hugh Grant and Judd Nelson. If you have the floppy hair gift, it is a sin to mow your tresses as though they were grass. Judd, you’ve been warned. Don’t make me blog about you again. I’ll curse you out. You know I will. I’ve done it before.

Yes, Judd. I Will Train You Like A Dog, If Necessary, To Grow Your Hair Back Into This Amazing Floppy Do (image via supamov.net)

7) My first 45 record was “Sir Duke” by Stevie Wonder. Yes, I picked it out all on my own. I was six or seven. A little white girl with soul. This makes me cooler than almost anyone. Not hip, but cool. If your first 45 was by Hall & Oates, don’t even respond to this post. I mean it. I’ll curse you out. I cussed out a movie star when I was seventeen. I have no fear.

PART FIVE

1) Gemini Girl in a Random World –  Talented writer. Brilliant. Clever. Gorgeous. Recently Freshly Pressed. All words that describe me…and my blogging bestie, Stacie Chadwick. Okay, maybe some of them describe just Stacie – and not me. Be an Accuracy Nazi why don’t you! Check it out or I’ll cuss you out. You KNOW I’ll do it. Especially after you were all up in my face about not being gorgeous and brilliant and clever.

2) Jasper Writes – He’s English. He’s a lawyer. He blogged about the law in a Family Guy episode. He’s insanely smart. Just read it. His most recent post will make you hungry. Don’t read it while grocery shopping or if you’ve just gone swimming. Wait at least a half hour.

3) The Chronicles of Creepy Pants – Ever wonder what the creepy, but strangely funny guy in the cubicle next to you is writing about? You. Better read this ’cause you might be sharing a fridge – and a stapler – with this dude.

4) Retention – Seriously funny. If you don’t know what steampunk is, put on your hipster glasses and read this blog. It will heal your arthritis and works wonders on hemorrhoids.

5) You’ve Been Hooked – One bellman’s stories of life in the hospitality trenches. You’ll laugh so hard you’ll wet your fanny pack.

6) I Can’t High Five – Another very recently Freshly Pressed blogger, this chick cracks me up with her irrational fears of mashed potatoes, nose whistling and high fiving. Congrats, girl! High five! Erm…I guess not.

7) Today in Heritage History – Don’t be fooled by the name. Their logline is “Smart. Funny. And Almost True.” I can’t do this post justice with a description. Just trust me.  (How does a lawyer say fuck you? Trust me. But I’m a recovering attorney, there’s a difference.)

8) Listful Thinking – Another recently Pressed chick (I don’t recommend losers, people), this blogger will keep your sinuses cleaned out of snot. I’m not sure what that means, but I think it means that water will shoot out of your nose because you’ll be laughing so hard and the boogers will be rinsed away with it. Think of her blog as a Neti-Pot. Which means who really should plan on drinking slightly saline, filtered water when you read it. She’s how I’d write if I was hip. Which I’m not.

9) The Book of Alice – This mommy blogger who shares short, pithy stories about her adorable four year old daughter, Alice, will become addictive. She’s that miniature Snickers or Lifesaver you need at 3:30 in the afternoon. Just a little fix and you’re good for the rest of the day. Also, she’s the kind soul who awarded me the 7×7 Award. Payback’s a bitch!

10) Live Clay – Even though she recently won the 7×7 Award as well (and hasn’t done her required 21 things yet…tick tock, tick tock, Clarice), I’m nominating this funny, talented, artistic chick for this award because I figure she can kill two birds with one stone – and just write one blog post accepting both. And she deserves it….blah, blah, blah.

Alright, folks. Now you have no excuse to do anything but read blogs for the rest of the day. No more of this whiny, But nobody’s writing anything good lately. Waaaaaa! These bloggers are worthy of your valuable time. But they’ve gotten enough of mine today. Off to pen the Great American Blog Post! Or maybe do some dishes and laundry. Or shower. I should shower.

28 thoughts on “Seven More Things? Really?

  1. Oh, man. My sense of guilt for not yet writing my acceptance post for the first award (I have a show coming up!) has just been compounded! And so has my sense of awe and gratitude and shucks-you-shouldn’t-have (but does it come with a tiara?)!! You’re the best, Miss Formerly Plaid Wearing Cristy! Muchas gracias! Look at all those exclamations! Thank you! In fact, I think what I’ll do is just construct a whole Awards Page on my blog where I can color coordinate my answers and add moving gifs of me bowing. You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re better than A-1. Much appreciated 🙂

    1. I know. How’d you like that guilt trip? It was like a cross country guilt trip. I guilted you in a post. You should hate me right now, but you don’t. Because you’re soooooo nice. Well, you do deserve the award. I couldn’t NOT give it to you because you’ve been a little late meeting your other obligations. Especially since you have a kid, a job – things that I don’t have. You’ve probably already showered today. And then your latest post was so amazingly terrific. I had to send people to your blog just to read it – if nothing else. Even though there’s lots else. I will look into a tiara – but only for you. And Stacie.

      1. Excellent. Tiaras are also useful for when one wishes to sit in the corner of a bar, weeping, contemplating her own crooked little life in a way that suggests she deserves something more than a broken bed and half a bottle of wine at the end of the day. (Did I tell you my bed broke? It’s like sleeping on a Tilt-A-Whirl that isn’t moving. I dream of climbing uphill. Forever. I’m sure there’s a clever allusion about Sysiphus in there but I need coffee to think of it.) Oh, and just to relieve my own cross-country guilt, just a bit… I have not one but THREE jobs. And the teenager is the fourth job, technically, although I try to keep her in the Priviledge category. But when those wings and fangs start up… forget it, it’s like the worst job ever (=cleaning out the giant rendering vats in a slaughterhouse. That really is a job.) By the way, I can’t get the image (I’m a visual person)of you and that actor’s rotting corpse out of my head. Thanks for that.

      2. No, a full bottle of wine is only pathetic if you use a straw (stop acting surprised. We’ve seen you in your WonderWoman underwear. UnderWoman.)

  2. Thanks a lot for recommending that people read my crazy thoughts. Another funny GOP name is John Boehner, I know what way I pronounce it! I think the hyperlink to my blog is broken or else my internet is messing around, also I’m Irish, which makes it all the more surprising that I’m able to write a blog given that I should be drunk almost all the time 🙂

    I had floppy hair until a week ago, but it really didn’t work for me because I wasn’t cast in any movies.

    1. Yes, your hyperlink didn’t turn the same color as everyone else’s, so I redid it, but still, it was different. I thought it was just your personality coloring it a shade brighter because it’s one of your super powers. Apparently, that is not the case. If you can get it working, let me know and I’ll add it into the post! Until then, Jasper Writes can be found at http://www.jasperwrites.wordpress.com . Copy and paste, folks. It won’t kill you.

      1. I think his frequent Boehners cost him any real chance of running, too inappropriate to be taken seriously. I do have many superpowers, all bestowed upon me by my leprechaun allies. My superpowers don’t extend to fixing hyperlinks though, maybe the short link http://wp.me/2b895 works better but the link in the comments section works fine so it’s all good.

  3. I played the flute too. Who knew? Still have it in the back (way back) of my closet. Middle School Marching Band. I was the bomb… So I thought. Perhaps we should get together for a jam session.

    1. While I would love to jam with you, Tamara, I am now flute-less. More importantly, the only thing I can remember how to do – other than hum the tune to the Mork and Mindy Theme – is basic finger position. If you have two wooden spoons and a paint bucket, though, I’ll come over and make a racket. Like you don’t get that already with a kid and all.

  4. I just managed to sit down and read this in full. Great post! Thanks again for including me 🙂
    I suspect we may share an inability to keep short posts… well, short. Haha!

  5. Congratulations! And I am now convinced that all flute players are now blogging at wordpress. Lol. You are the third person that admitted to this.Another blogger recently revealed this about herself and I used to play it when I was in mid school. I was horrible but that didn’t stop them from picking me again the following year. I used to think, “Who did I pissed off?” Congratulations again. Well deserved!

    1. I really wanted to play drums, but we lived in a villa down in Miami and our unit was sandwiched between two others. My parents chose the quietest instrument they could find. Like yourself, I was horrible, too, but playing in the school was required that year, so I had no choice. I used to only pretend to play most of the time – until my solo, and then I had to knock it out of the park. Nothing like Mork and Mindy to accomplish that!

  6. The weirdest part of this is that I woke up the other day and thought to myself, “Self, what can you do to get someone to compare you to a neti pot? How can you make people think of you when they’re trying to clear the snot from their sinuses?” Then BLAMMO! It happened with minimum effort on my part. I read your blog pretty much all the time these days because it cracks me up. Thanks for including me!

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