Tagged: writing

Just Four Friggin’ Lines #8

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Just Four Friggin’ Lines is a dailyworkweekpretty random, mostly reliable series for people who have the attention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s. People who have to cram their verse in between tweezing and waxing. Or mowing, as the case may be. There’s no judgment here; after all, it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines. You and your monobrow are welcome.

Read, enjoy, share and contribute your own four-liner in the Comments below. I triple dog dare you. Do it or I’ll give you a noogie. C’mon, it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines!

Follow Miss Snarky Pants on Instagram at dinsworth or on Twitter @CristyCLewis.

Just Four Friggin’ Lines #5

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Just Four Friggin’ Lines is a poetry series for people who insist on listening with their eyes. And in honor of those who scribble verses like sleezy phone numbers on their palms and wrists, I bleed Just Four Friggin’ Lines of ink. Are you hemorrhaging words? Share your four lines in the Comments below and stop spurting all over your keyboard.

Just Four Friggin’ Lines #4

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Just Four Friggin’ Lines is a new, daily* poetry series by Miss Snarky Pants – okay, it’s the only poetry series, unless you count my Big Bang Theory Haiku – written especially for people who like their poetry the way they like their flu shots: fast and painless. This might not be Shakespeare, but it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines

*Daily, meaning Monday through Friday. Someone has to binge-watch Netflix on the weekends. What if they went out of business? You’d be wishing I’d taken the weekends off then and focused on helping poor, little Netflix, wouldn’t you? Think of it as a public service. That’s the lie I tell myself – and it works AMAZEBALLS.

Just Four Friggin’ Lines #3

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This is the third installment of Miss Snarky Pants’ new, daily poetry series, Just Four Friggin’ Lines, written especially for you who get your poetry thang on while waiting at traffic lights. Read, enjoy, follow, share and contribute in the Comments Section below – particularly if you have a four-liner you’d like to pass along. After all, it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines.  C’mon, there were more words on the back of that cereal box you read this morning. This is poetry. It’s way cooler to say, “I read an interesting poem at that long light on Tampa Avenue,” than “I know how many calories are in a serving of Frosted Flakes.” And it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines!

Just Four Friggin’ Lines #2

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Just Four Friggin’ Lines is a new daily, poetry series penned by Miss Snarky Pants. Afraid to make a commitment or intimidated by sonnets that have the nerve to go on for fourteen lines? That’s not an issue here – because it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines!

Go ahead; follow me. Leading is exhausting, isn’t it? Take a break. It’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines.

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If you prefer your low-commitment verse on Instagram, check MSP out @dinsworth.

 

Just Four Friggin’ Lines #1

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Just Four Friggin’ Lines is a new poetry series I’m writing for the lovely people who don’t have time to read my longer humorous, satirical, political or just-plain-indulgent-and-confessional posts. It’s poetry. Written in less than a few minutes, then printed out and photographed – so you know I didn’t come back and tinker with it later. It’s not meant to change the world or even be any good. The poems may be serious, funny, observational, lyrical, raw or bleak. But it’s my way of saying hello and, most importantly, it’s Just Four Friggin’ Lines.

This is number one.

Follow…so you don’t miss out.

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Miss Snarky Pants is – usually- a humor and satire blog. Apparently, we’re branching into poetry, for no apparent reason. Deal with it. It’s JUST FOUR FRIGGIN’ LINES.

 

 

A Stupid Butterfly Poem

 

Monarch New York Times

 

A Stupid Butterfly Poem

 

Clipped between the window pane

and the screen,

two monarch wings

lay at wicked angles,

dusted with the world that passed

since they last beat

beat   beat   beat   beat   beat   beat   beat.

Against the scraping mesh.

Against the July-baked glass.

Against the sun.

 

I wondered how it happened,

how this fluttering wisp was trapped,

a cage on one side,

an impenetrable wall on the other.

Did its heart pound with more ferocity

than the slamming of its body –

SLAM –

its spindly, black legs as useless as dangling threads,

against its invisible warden.

Was it an unintended kidnapping,

or did some brute chortle,

watching the aching wings slam against the hot screen?

 

My disappointment in Humanity hung

about me,

thick and heavy as the humidity.

It was then that I noticed the screen

gaping away from the window.

Only inches of freedom to me, but acres to one

who fits in my palm.

 

Stupid butterfly.

 

Miss Snarky Pants

 


If you enjoyed this blog post, you might also like these:

Procrastination in the Form of a Cat Poem

Setting the Snark Aside

Big Bang Theory Haiku

The World’s Worst Sonnet About a Dead Dog Ever

 

Copyright 2014 by C.C.L. and Miss Snarky Pants.  All rights reserved. This is my poem. I wrote it. It is my property. Do not reproduce without my written consent or I will write a stupid poem about you and how you steal stupid poems. 

If Sheldon Cooper Wrote Haiku

The Pain of an Engineer Amongst Ph.Ds

The Pain Of A Lowly Engineer

The condescension

oh, Sheldon, stabs the meek heart

in this engineer

Howard Wolowitz

Leonard Driving...As Usual

Leonard Driving…As Usual

Einstein bled physics,

Newton unlocked gravity,

Sheldon still can’t drive

Leonard Hofstadter

Grasshopper, You Are The One True God!

Grasshopper, You Are The One True God!

Grasshopper of strength,

may your mint milk inspire words,

ones spoken aloud

Raj Koothrappali

The Russians Love Me!

The Russians Love Me!

Howard went to space,

whining like a transmission

needing a tune-up

Sheldon Cooper

Run, Priya! Run!

Run, Priya! Run!

Fuck haiku, Priya.

Come near Leonard again, bitch,

I’ll cut you like grass

Penny

amy and sheldon kissing

Oh, Sheldon Cooper,

your chastity belt chafes raw

my unshaven loins

Amy Farrah Fowler

Courtesy of thecomicking.net

Courtesy of thecomicking.net

Your MeMa may live,

my bearded Wesley Crusher.

Still, I scream, “Wheaton!”

Sheldon Cooper

big bang elevatorGeniuses upstairs

make space toilets work, but not

the elevator

Mrs. Gunderson (downstairs neighbor)

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Fictionary: Preventing The Extinction Of My Muffin Top

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What Is Fictionary?

It’s a clever word coined by my blogging buddy, Kylie, over at The Life of Kylie, that refers to new words, phrases, or new definitions for existing words or phrases – often punny in nature – created by people like me who have way too much time on their hands. What’s more, she’s turned it into a game. More accurately, a contest for which the prize is muffins or cupcakes. How could I not participate? Due to recent weight loss, my muffin top is shrinking at an alarming rate. A win, on my part, could help me regain my title as the Muffin Top Queen of the Blogosphere.

Will You Help?

Sure, images of starving children in Africa or pitiful pups in cages shown on television accompanied by any Sarah McLachlan tune are probably the triggers for the heart strings attached to your wallet. However, I totally want don’t need your money; I need your likes. Just one like and a comment celebrating my Fictionary genius from each of my loyal readers is all that is standing between this:

A Starving Muffin Top On Its Way To Extinction

A Starving Muffin Top On Its Way To Extinction

and this:

My Goal: Queen Muffin Top Of The Blogosphere!

Muffin Top Queen Of The Blogosphere

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Once my muffin top has gone the way of the Dodo Bird or the Saber-tooth Tiger, there’s no bringing it back. As I’m sure you are aware, the future of Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top has been threatened recently by the destruction of its natural habitat (i.e. encroachment of high-waisted, stretch jeans), climate change (i.e. Bikram yoga), and, most critically, an interruption in the food chain (i.e. I’m out of vodka and lard!). Will you allow your children to grow up in a world devoid of Miss Snarky Pants’ spare tire? I didn’t think so.

Miss Snarky Pants’ Fictionary Entries

Adorababy: (adj.) The point at which an infant stops looking like a potato and begins to resemble a cute homo sapien.

Ex: A few days ago, the sight of little Katie’s squinched-up eyes and crimson cheeks made me recoil in terror, but now she’s adorababy.

Opression: (noun) The mark left on one upon whom Oprah Winfrey has fallen.

Ex: Though my broken arm has finally healed, the opression that the talk show host left on my wrist will never disappear.

Litterate: (noun) The score given to various forms of litter.

Ex: On a litterate scale of one to ten, a cigarette butt rates only a three, whereas one of Lindsay Lohan’s used fire crotch tampons is a ten.

Shampoo: (noun) 1. Faux fecal matter; 2. Non-Disney approved Winnie the Pooh merchandise

Ex: The old lady nearly shat herself when she discovered she’d been sitting on the shampoo that I placed on her seat.

Middlebrow(noun) The third brow which typically connects the left and right eyebrows.

Ex: Though many people think Michael Stipe was the driving force behind R.E.M., insiders claim that it was drummer Bill Berry’s middlebrow that inspired most of their hits.

Not Only Am I Losing My Religion, I'm Losing My Lunch Just Looking At Bill Berry's Middlebrow.

Not Only Am I Losing My Religion, I’m Losing My Lunch Just Looking At Bill Berry’s Middlebrow.

Nexus(proper noun) Blood supply store popular with vampires.

Ex: Forget that True Blood crap; I’m heading over to Nexus to stock up on some O negative.

Microwave: (noun) 1. A small salutation made with the hand when one is unsure as to whether or not the recipient is someone he or she knows.

Ex: He looked familiar, but after last week’s tequila binge, I wasn’t sure so I just gave him a microwave.

Nativity: (noun) The percentage of Native American ancestry that a Caucasian claims to possess.

Ex: I’m at least 1.25% nativity since my great great uncle’s sister’s friend once shook hands with a Cherokee.

Melodrama: (proper noun) Any situation involving alcohol, profanity, verbal rants, racial slurs and actor Mel Gibson.

Ex: Due to the number of recent complaints of Melodrama, the LAPD have assigned a police scanner code specifically for incidents involving Mel Gibson.

Not Another Melodrama, I Hope!

Not Another Melodrama, I Hope!

Mangrove: (noun) A nightclub or bar regularly frequented by single men.

Ex: Now that Bruce dropped that tranny he was dating, he’s been prowling every mangrove on the strip in search of a sugar daddy.

Collide: (past tense verb) The act of two people lying about the same thing simultaneously.

Ex: Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan collide about the details of Ryan’s tax plan during yesterday’s press conference.

Vulcanic Eruption( proper noun) The physiological response that occurs when Spock engages in sexual intercourse.

Ex: Oh, Spock! You’re hot and all, but if you have a Vulcanic eruption in my mouth, I’m going to bite your dick off.

Spock: My Vulcanic Eruptions Register A 12 On The Richter Scale.

Spock: My Vulcanic Eruptions Register A 12 On The Richter Scale.

Now What?

1) Take a moment. 2) Like this post. 3) Comment on my sheer wit and your favorite Fictionary entry. 4) Visit Kylie’s blog and tell her that you want to ensure that Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top lives to see another day! 5) Pat yourself on the back for being such a lemming do-gooder.

Start baking those Recrimination Muffins, Kylie…

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If you enjoyed this blog, stop being so friggin’ selfish and SHARE it. It’s easy; just click on those little buttons below. Facebook, Twitter, Reddit – everyone deserves the opportunity to see Miss Snarky Pants’ muffin top in the wild.