Miss Snarky Pants was a girl who never had an imaginary friend because all the imaginary friends had nice, proper children to play with – not nerdy, painfully thin blabbermouths who were afraid to remove Ken’s (Barbie’s ex-rubbuddy) swimming trunks because they thought they’d go straight to Hell. She used to love Jesus – until she found out that he was cheating on her with 2.1 billion other people. After enduring years of parochial schooling and frequent appointments with the principal’s paddle, Miss Snarky Pants grew into a nerdy, plainfully plump, blabbermouth who became an attorney because she heard there was no math on the LSAT. That wasn’t a joke. Put math on the LSAT and you’ll have 50% fewer attorneys within thirty years. Lawyers argue a lot. Multiplying numbers by Pi…not so much.
This is also the blog formerly known as Paltry Meanderings of a Taller Than Average Woman. Clearly, Miss Snarky Pants didn’t spend much time thinking about her blog name when she first began blogging or she would have come up with one that people could remember. So, now you know she’s taller than average. Isn’t that interesting? Sufficiently fascinating to merit the name of a blog? Mmmm. No.
In this blog, she blathers on about things that many people, given the chance and sufficient alcohol, also enjoy blathering on about. Except she’s not drunk, no matter what she says. She just likes to seem cool. If you read this blog, no one will like you better, nor will you get any younger. However, Miss Snarky Pants will give you a prize. Maybe. Well, probably not. Her words are her gift to you.
That last statement made her an official pompous ass and her photo looks like a cartoon of an Olan Mills portrait. I mean, the “resting your cheek on your hand” pose? Has anyone done that since since circa 1984? Clearly, Miss Snarky Pants was never a supermodel. Ugh, what’s next? A Warhol-esque quadrant of neon snark? Kill her now. Worst of all, talking about herself in third person on her About page makes her absolutely insufferable.
Carry on. There’s much more to learn. Take a turn in the Archives. Miss Snarky Pants offers you stories of her frequent and lifelong humiliations because being self-deprecating makes her seem likable and modest. And, apparently, people find her pain hilarious. There’s absolutely no accounting for taste, anymore.
And do Follow. Why wander lost in the maze of blogging narcissists when you can Follow Miss Snarky Pants, exit the maze and have a cocktail and a laugh? Isn’t that better than camping out in the middle of a bloody maze all night?