An Open Letter To Michelle Obama

Tell Me The Truth. Do You Like Them? Do You Like Them?

Tell Me The Truth. Do You Like Them? Do You Love Them?

Dear Michelle,

I am so disappointed in you. After thousands of people worked tirelessly to ensure that your husband, President Barack Obama, was again elected to the highest office in this country, you go and blow his inauguration for all of us. A week later, I’m still appalled. For a woman with such class, intelligence and beauty, how could you steal your husband’s thunder as you did? It was his big day; the last time he’ll ever place his hand on a Bible and be sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts in front of millions of chilled constituents and television viewers. But thanks to you, most Americans will only remember January 21, 2013 as the day the First Lady debuted bangs.

Before you begin with the excuses, I realize you technically took your bangs out for a trial run a few days earlier to celebrate your 49th birthday and the launch of your Twitter account, but the world didn’t officially check out your new fringe until Inauguration Day. As First Lady, someone must have educated you on the significant buzz generated by something as drastic as thick, flirty bangs. For crying out loud, one of the world’s most renowned experts on First Lady Dos and Don’ts, literally and figuratively, has been working for your husband for the last four years as Secretary of State.

Hillary Knows The Power Of Both Good And Bad Hair

One Of Hillary’s Many Hair Don’ts; Fortunately, She’s So Awesome That It Doesn’t Matter.

Did you not think to consult with Hillary Clinton before embarking upon such a controversial voyage toward sassy bobdom? Did four years of the planet’s pop culture obsession with your J. Crew cardigans, your finely-honed triceps and your dazzling smile not clue you in to the fact that everything you do is so amazeballs, it makes your husband’s accomplishments appear minuscule by comparison? How can a measly president keep up?

Don’t believe me? Here are just a few conversations that I totally made up to illustrate my point have overheard in the past couple of years:

American 1: “Hey, did you hear that Osama Bin Laden is dead?”

I Thought You Believed In Gun Control, Michelle!

I Thought You Believed In Gun Control, Michelle. Look At The Ammo, Erm, I Mean Arms On You!

American 2: “About damn time. Anyway, did you see that incredible dress that Michelle Obama wore on Oprah today? Her arms are totally ripped!”

***

American 1: “I’m so psyched. Thanks to President Obama and Obamacare, my health insurance is going to cover my pre-existing conditions and my birth control pills.”

American 2: “Huh? Did you hear that Michelle Obama is nominated for a Grammy? I loved her book. I’ve heard that the vegetables she grows in the White House garden have ten times as many vitamins as your standard organic fare – and you can develop super hero powers after eating them. Sasha, for example, once gave Chuck Norris a painful wedgie that left him so disabled he had to change the name of his show to Walker With A Limp, Texas Ranger. After eating a single serving of White House garden broccoli, Malia memorized the entire Oxford English Dictionary…in Finnish.

Chuck Norris: I'm Not Doing A Roundhouse Kick; I Just Can't Put My Leg Down Since Sasha Gave Me That Damn Wedgie!

Chuck Norris: I’m Not Doing A Roundhouse Kick; I Just Can’t Put My Leg Down Since Sasha Gave Me That Damn Wedgie!

***

American 1: “Thanks to President Obama’s support, my state legalized gay marriage, and now my partner and I can finally get hitched after twenty-five years together.”

American 2: “I’m pretty sure that was Michelle Obama’s idea; after all, her designer of choice, Jason Wu, is gay. Plus, nothing screams equality like her sassy ass bangs.”

***

Adolph Hitler: I Can't Compete With Michelle Obama's Hair

Adolph Hitler: I Still Can’t Believe That Woman’s Bangs Get More Press Than My Manly Mustache!

Is this sinking in, Michelle? Do you realize that, at this very moment, if you were to Google “Michelle Obama Hair,” you’d find an astounding 106 million results? Your hair alone culls more than three times the hits as does Adolf Hitler’s entire murderous career – one which was nearly outshone by the black caterpillar named Otto who lived above his upper lip. Hillary Clinton, whose tresses were famously criticized throughout her two term tenure as First Lady, garners a paltry 31 million results – and she’s been in the public eye for over twenty years. In a world in which bad news always seems to trump good news, it’s confounding to discover that the positive reviews about your gleaming mane easily outnumber the negative appraisals of Hillary’s helmet head.

Perhaps it’s difficult for someone like you, someone who’s never had a bad hair day in her life, to understand the power of bangs. They’re a decisive, aggressive move, much like invading Russia in winter or refusing to use Gatling guns at Little Bighorn – and we all know how those choices impacted Hitler and Custer, respectively. Poor little Taylor Swift was transformed from gawky, teen queen into a sleek, man-eater with one long snip across her forehead and a few passes with a flat iron. Suddenly, she metamorphosized from a mother-in-law’s wet dream into the bane of every eligible bachelor’s existence. When Michael J. Fox doesn’t want his son to date you, that’s a pretty clear indication that you’ve succumbed to fringe-induced flooziness.

Zooey Deschanel: My Bangs Hide The Three Moons That Revolve Around My Eyeballs.

Zooey Deschanel: My Bangs Hide The Three Moons That Revolve Around My Eyeballs.

The thing that really chaps my ass, Michelle, is that you allowed a mere flight of fancy to outshine your hubby on his big day. Let’s face it; bangs are almost always snipped on a whim. And just like that last martini, bold, blunt bangs are almost always a mistake…unless your name is Zooey Deschanel, who doesn’t count because her eyeballs are so large, they have their own satellites. No one can carry bangs off for long and growing them out is worse than being informed that your sober living partner is Charlie Sheen.

Of course, the greater concern is – now that you’ve demonstrated a desire to one-up the president – what you are planning to debut at the State of the Union address? Knee cap liposuction? Eyelash extensions? A neon pink merkin?

May I suggest something that makes an impact, yet is temporary? Something that President Obama and you can do together. A statement that will eliminate the image of your bangs from our collective memory and bring your lovely forehead out of hiding. A look that will demonstrate your solidarity as America’s most famous, most beloved – and most romantic – couple.

Perhaps this:

Stop Stalin', Honey And Wave To The Crowd!

“Stop Stalin’, Michelle, And Wave To The Crowd! We Can Shave Them Off Tomorrow.

With Great Respect and Admiration,

Miss Snarky Pants

***

If you enjoyed this post, please don’t be stingy! Share this blog with your favorite people via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or Any-Social-Media-Website-I’m-Not-Hip-Enough-To-Know-About-Yet.

***

Photo Credits:

Michelle Obama With Bangs: HuffingtonPost.com
Hillary Clinton Hair Don’t: CBS.com
Michelle Obama With Guns: Allure.com
Chuck Norris: FishingJones.com
Adolph Hitler: Wikipedia.com
Zooey Deschanel: Allure.com

107 comments

  1. sistasertraline

    Ah, the power of a good bang, I seem to remember them somewhere in my long distant past….
    Great article, one criticism? Please don’t use the word ‘trump’ in any way shape or form, the horror and disgust i felt in the moment would make a wedgie seem like gentle foreplay….

  2. 1pointperspective

    Presidential scholars and Dr. Phil agree, if Hillary had avoided the “putting your hair up to mop the floor” look and maybe sported a neon pink merkin once in a while, Wild Bill may have stayed away from plus-size blue dresses.

  3. Suzanne

    The media’s obesession in politics with things that have no political value will never cease to surprise and disgust me.

  4. Judy Smith

    So truly sassy I tweeted it before my left hand knew what my right hand was doing … which isn’t the usual order of things. I love Michelle. I love Barry, aka POTUS, contrary to the wishes of many. I love your writing, she said, unabashedly and wholeheartedly. You sincerely rock, and I hope you are not opposed to hero-worship …

  5. Sandee

    Because of the experiments, Otto never went through full metamorphosis. He detached himself from Hitler’s corpse, and fled the bunker to Dusseldorf, where he was adopted by a family graveyard of maggots.

  6. Stacie Chadwick

    Ian doesn’t know what bangs are? That’s like saying I don’t know where my G-spot is. Incidentally, I found it on the same day that Michelle debuted her bangs. Speaking for both of us, I can truly say “Better late than never!” xoxo

  7. Carrie Rubin

    I cannot tell you how annoyed I was to see article after article about Michelle Obama’s bangs and dresses. People say, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Hmm, me thinks not. So I loved this post in all its snarkiness! Of all the wonderful things Michelle Obama has done–particularly her platform on childhood obesity–and of all the brilliant things that could come from her mouth would the powers that be allow it, the media instead focuses on her looks. I feel for that woman. She came out strong in the beginning, and then they quickly silenced her into a docile, loving and supporting, take-a-backseat wife. And now look how popular she is! Sheesh, it’s enough to get me on a soapbox. Oh wait, I guess I’m already there…

    Oh, and for the record, if “bold, blunt bangs are almost always a mistake” is true, I’m in trouble. But I will never cut my bangs. Never. If you could see how low my hairline is, not to mention my lovely widow’s peak, you’d understand why. Plus, who needs to mess with Botox when you’ve got bangs? A win win for me. ;)

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      I suppose when I wrote that about bangs, I was speaking more from personal experience. Your bangs are charming and I’m sure the deal you struck with the devil to make it so wasn’t all that bad.

      Yeah, I had to take a little satiric stab and the media and their focus on Michelle’s fringe. I can’t say for sure if everyone out there will get it. Some people are extremely literal – and some are actually obsessed with her bangs. People! It’s hair!

      Considering how wrinkly my forehead is, I should commit to bangs, but they aren’t for me. Not blunt ones, anyway. A nice side-swept bang perhaps? I’m never getting anything injected into my face for the sole purpose of getting younger anyway. If I don’t age, the hordes of men pounding on my apartment door will never go away. ;)

      • Carrie Rubin

        Now that’s the best spin on aging I’ve ever heard!

        I was once sitting in the chair of a new hair stylist, and she looked at my boring bangs and straight hair and said, “Have you ever thought of cutting your bangs?” Then she lifted my bangs to simulate what I’d look like without them. After a moment of silence, she said, “Well, then again, you wouldn’t have to.” She never brought it up again.

        And I’m with you, unless it absolutely has to go there (e.g., a dental procedure), I don’t want any needles near my face. Or anywhere for that matter.

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        Your hair stylist is terrible! What an awful thing for her to say to you. I think you should stick with your bangs because they enhance your pretty eyes. You get the Zooey Deschanel exemption.

      • Carrie Rubin

        Ah, thank you. I’ll take it. And she didn’t mean any harm. I’m no longer with her, because we moved, but I think she put it about as kindly as she could. But it’s all good. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we’re not very much fun to be around. :)

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        True. I wouldn’t mind it if she’d said it to me, but I don’t like anyone saying anything unkind to people I like. But I can see how she may have said it nicely. And it is her job…

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        Thank you. I was a pretty good attorney. I definitely represented my clients’ best interests, but I think it’s very difficult to be a great attorney without becoming morally corrupted. I have a few friends who have accomplished this, but not many. There is so much dishonesty in the law that attorneys face the Lance Armstrong conundrum: do I cheat because my opponents are cheating? That was something I couldn’t do, but I can look at myself in the mirror every day and only be horrified by the enlargement of my pores. This is why I call myself a recovering attorney.

  8. Carter Thompson

    I cannot DISAGREE more with your blog my dear. You have written some really funny and witty blogs, but this is not one of them. I was not in the least more DISTRACTED by her bangs as I was with the Inauguration. If you are not serious, then I apologize. You cannot be serious, are you?

  9. tomwisk

    Michelle is prepping for the time after 2016. She’s getting Barack used to her going through changes (not that one) and keeping him from becoming one of those old fofie ex-presidents who lectures and does stuff that is embarassing. She wants to keep the flag flying, so to speak.

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        Very young. I’m at that point in my life in which my president isn’t much older than I am. I was telling my hubby the other day that I never could have imagined “hanging out” with anyone who has been the President of the United States until now. If Michelle and Barack were our neighbors, they’d be the kind of people who we’d invite over for parties. They’re the kind of people we’d befriend or would want to befriend us. We share the same values – and they’re both lawyers who don’t practice law. I love that trait in a person.

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Michelle Obama is da bomb. She can do no wrong in my eyes. However, I doubt she’s going to be able to keep President Obama from lecturing in the future. He is a tad professorial. But I’m looking forward to seeing a lot more of him and what he can accomplish outside of the White House after 2016. Just look at all the good Clinton and Carter have done over the years. That’s something to aspire to…and I think Barack Obama is up to the challenge.

  10. Kylie

    Dear Evil Twin,
    You are brilliant. I’m going to share this on FB.
    She completely upstaged him. Not only with the bangs, but with that gorgeous red dress! What was she thinking? I had to watch a clip of them dancing just so I could see it. I didn’t even listen to him make any speeches.
    Because I have, you know, priorities.
    And now everybody is going to get bangs except me because of my stupid cowlicks that go every which way. I’ve tried bangs and failed all too many times.
    Thanks Michelle Obama, for making me feel left out of the in-girls yet again.
    Kylie
    P.S. Have you see that gif where she’s rolling her eyes oh-so-subtly at Boehner? We will all be copying that.

  11. Pingback: An Open Letter To Michelle Obama « My Poems
  12. Kathy V.

    I was going to satirically rip on you, but I see that someone already did so in a non-satiric manner, so I won’t. But I will compliment you on the outstanding investigative journalism which revealed the name and life story (as shown in the comments) of Hitler’s mustacherpillar. It’s high time someone told poor Otto’s story.

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Yes, poor, poor Otto. He was not cut from the same cloth as his human host, fortunately, but the stigma of being literally attached to one of the worst people in history cast a shadow upon the rest of his life.

      • Kathy V.

        And to be so widely recognizable, while still so unknown? Poor Otto can’t avoid the reminders. “Excuse me, but you look JUST like Hitler’s — ” “WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” And then he runs away, sobbing.

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        Fortunately, time has aged Otto a bit. The gray tends to throw people off. He’s a bit concerned about the new mustache meme trend as he doesn’t like to draw attention to himself for obvious reasons. But you’re right; he is still plagued with the “Aren’t you Hitler’s mustache?” all the time. He really wishes he hadn’t given up his gig with Charlie Chaplin now, but hindsight is 20/20. Can I just tell you how much fun the blogosphere is with you in it, my dear? I’ve missed our banter.

      • Kathy V.

        Today has been particularly good for the banter! I think I want to write Otto’s biography as a graphic novel. And I need to remind you to please clean your room. It’s becoming a fire hazard.

  13. Too Young to Feel Old

    I SO LOVED THIS POST! (Yes, this was a yelling, gushing sort of statement.) It makes me want to go back to teaching AP English myself so that I can show students how to write satire well. I just might have to save this one and give it to one of my English teachers tomorrow! :)

  14. lostnchina

    After a BANG-less few decades (and I use the term very *loosely*) I got bangs last week and they look…well, let’s just say I’m gonna go bang-less for another few more decades, I’m sure. Not everyone can rock it like Michele O.! Great post, as always. So glad you’re back!

  15. bharatwrites

    I’ll be honest. I had finished the first paragraph before I realized that this was satire. Either you’re too good for your own good or I’m stupid. But I relished it.
    As far as Michelle’s eyeroll to Boehner is concerned, it was brilliant. For some reason, today’s Republicans are treating the President with less respect than ever before. I doubt Clinton had to take this much B.S.

  16. Pingback: Weekly News 02/02/2013: Politics, Entertainment, Fashion, Celebrity and more… | KolorBlind Mag
  17. Karen McFarland

    I must say that I do like Michelle’s new do. Would there ever be a perfect time for her to expose her new look to the world? Yet, what has happened to Hillary? I think she should go back to wearing headbands. :)

  18. gypsy4evermore

    As you so obviously point out, Mrs. President is actually secretly in the employ of factions from the ancient, but still active, culture of Zoastria and is part of the plan to undermine the Presidency and America in general. Way to blow the plan out of the water. What were you thinking? Are you TRYING to get assasinated?

    This would have been post perfect if not for a certain smarmy smearing of The Chuck Norris.

  19. Fathead Follies

    I love her bangs. For some of us they are a lifetime commitment. Without bangs the size of my visage scares children and now that I’m in my 40s they mask the product of a stressful life. I’m committed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an episode of Walker With A Limp, Texas Ranger to watch with my bestie, Zooey Deschanel.

  20. Moonbeam McQueen

    You are so dead on (and so hilariously snarky pantsed). Those bangs were definitely a diversion. She did the same thing at the Democratic National Convention. Remember that gray fingernail polish? Her hubby could have been drooling and singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” and nobody would have noticed. But they started selling that polish in 500 gallon drums.

    This is sort of off-subject, but I thought Hillary’s glasses were pretty swell. They made her seem a lot more down to earth. For a few days, I thought of her as my nerdy bookworm buddy. If she’d worn them, along with one of those big plastic hair clips and some yoga pants, I’ll bet she’d have won the nomination in 2004.

  21. Pingback: Speaking of Snark – oh you know you want to!
    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Good one! I love that he donned bangs in a skit for the White House Press Correspondents dinner. It’s great when a president appreciates satire. Now I can dream to myself that someone on their staff read that post and mentioned it to his writers. One can dream!

  22. Pingback: Michelle’s Dress | Memos from the Middle

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