Is That The Bog Of Eternal Stench Or Your Face?

Some Poor Boob With A Zit On Her Chin Posing As Miss Snarky Pants With A Blemish

The other night, a small, erm, blemish appeared on my chin. Miss Snarky Pants does not get (shiver) pimples, but sometimes she talks about herself in third person, which is equally creepy. Fortunately, all superhero bloggers have their gear – and so do I. Just as Wonder Woman used her golden lasso to extract the truth from the lying liars of the world, I have my tube of Lumene Deep-Cleansing Peat Mask to extract impurities from the bastard blemishes that dare mar my facial perfection.

The Tolland Man – Someone Took The Old Adage, “Live Fast, Die Young, And Leave A Good Looking Corpse” A Tad Too Seriously.

For those of you who don’t live next to a bog somewhere in Ireland, peat is a basically decomposing vegetation that, when dry, can be burned as a fossil fuel. It’s also a natural preservative…if you’re a corpse. In fact, over sixty years ago, two Scandinavian men were harvesting peat near their home in Denmark and discovered a male cadaver, buried in the muck, that was so perfectly intact, the men initially believed that it was the body of someone who had recently been murdered. Scientists later determined that the Tolland Man, as the poor stiff was eventually named, was nearly two thousand years old. And damn, if he didn’t look good for his age.

The use of moor mud to beautify the skin has been well-documented over the centuries – by whom, I’ve no idea. This is a blog, people, not a Wikipedia entry. Legendary beauties like Cleopatra and…erm, I’m sure a lot of other reasonably attractive people have happily coated their cheeks with mire muck because of its mild antibiotic properties which help evict the free radicals that have staged a coup deep within in their pores. I’m not sure what free radicals are or who emancipated them, but I’m pretty certain that I don’t want them having an oozy, goozy shindig on my chin – particularly since they didn’t even bother to bring their hostess a bottle of wine. Who shows up to a pore party empty-handed?

So, naturally, I  smear this mire mud all over my face because:

1) Tolland Man looks amazeballs – like he’s just taking a little nap after having spent the afternoon mudding with Honey Boo Boo and her kin folk. Since I’m losing weight, I can’t rely on fat molecules to continue to plump up my wrinkles – and I suspect swimming in formaldehyde could be dangerous;

2) I clearly don’t want to get laid for the next few hours (I’d have to don a bikini, hire a similarly-attired call girl, fill a child’s inflatable pool with gallons of bog poo, then wrestle said call girl in my pop-up swamp in order to merely distract Hubby from killing zombies on his PS3);

This Might Get Hubby’s Attention

3) Lumene’s advertising claims that their peat mask contains aromatic rosemary that both opens the pores and provides “a refreshing fragrance.” Erm, if by refreshing fragrance you mean the putrid odor of rosemary rotting in The Bog of Eternal Stench, then, sure, I guess that’s the case. However, when you’re a blogger who spends most of her day in her pajamas and only bathes on the morning of her annual gynecological exam, you tend not to be bothered by a stench that would normally cause flocks of empty-bellied buzzards to nest on the roof of your home;

“I’m Telling Ya, Clyde. Something’s Rottin’ Away In This Here Apartment Building. Can’t You Smell It?”

4) It seems like a girlie thing to do – and any act I can engage in that causes Hubby to remember that I am a female and not just some stanky person pattering around his apartment wearing sweatpants and gimongous concert t-shirts whilst concocting vegan-lite fare and tapping away at a keyboard is a good thing; and

5) Who doesn’t want to douse their face in something that’s more flammable than Richard Pryor? Those of you who got that joke, please slap two pair of Depends together so that I know you’re out there.

After applying my peat mask, I entered the bedroom to find Hubby tucked beneath the sheets with the remote control in hand, waiting for me to join him so that we could watch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter on the telly. Reeking of marsh poo, I pulled back the quilt and hopped into bed.

As Hubby caught sight of my peat-caked skin, he snickered and asked, “Are you seriously going to watch a movie about Abe Lincoln while wearing black face?”

If Anyone Calls Me Al Jolsen Or Hums “Mammy,” I Will Dump Their Body Into An Irish Peat Bog And My Ancestors Will Smear Them All Over Their Faces A Few Thousand Years From Now

Oops. Erm. “Yes?”

Note: I did not get laid that night and I still have a fucking ZIT on my chin. However, the vultures have moved on to a spa down the street.

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Photo credits: 
Big Ass Zit: Acnetreatmentreport.com
Tolland Man: Mesh5.com
Mud Wrestling: Cineplex.com
Buzzards: Uglyhedgehog.com
Miss Snarky Pants in Black Face: Miss Snarky Pants
 

100 comments

  1. Carrie Rubin

    Did you hear that? That was the sound of me clapping two Depends together, because, yes, I’m old enough to get that joke. Sadly, that advanced age does not protect women from pimples, whom mother nature decided it would be funny to allow to continue to get zits into their 4th and 5th decades of life. As if the loss of our facial fat wasn’t enough. She’s a sweet gal, that Mother Nature.

    On a side note, my husband and I liked the movie “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” only we went to it in a theater with no clay or peat on our faces. And tell me the actor who played Abe doesn’t look like a young Liam Neeson. Spot on, I thought.

  2. lanceleuven

    I got the Pryor joke but had to Google Depends. Does that mean I’ve aged before my time? I’m not sure. But on the plus side I’ve finally discovered a solution to my incontinence “problem” (that’s how everyone else describes it. It’s never bothered me). So, funny and education post. 5 stars. :-)

  3. AngryDemon

    1. Nice one about Richard Pryor.At least you’re ZIT didn’t “explode” the way he did ( sorry about the pun,I cant helpit )
    2. To get laid while stinkin’ like a bog you need to go full Mud Wrestling plus a lot of booze on the Hubby side.
    3. Watching Abe Lincoln kicking Undead asses while wearing a black face…… well…I’m speechless at your Hubby’s comment.Its the best and funniest comment so far.
    4.Even after all of these the score is ZIT : 1 and Miss Snarky Pants : 0 .

  4. Stacie Chadwick

    OK, this entire post made me laugh, but #5 made me LAUGH OUT LOUD, which is statistically impossible, because I’m super- hung over right now. After WAY too much red wine last night, I’m going back to bed with my new best friend, a zit that erupted right below the left corner of my lip (that looks dangerously herpesesque) at some point during the two hours I actually slept last night. Does peat protect against STDs?

      • Fathead Follies

        Peat does actually protect against STDs by preventing you from ever getting laid. I’m enjoying a few zits right this very moment. They plump out my fine lines nicely. I’m sure the chocolate cake I’m about to serve and ultimately shove in my mouth will help. It’s a vegan chocolate cake, guaranteed to make your pimples healthier–you want some?

  5. Laura

    Lovely! Favorite lines, I’m not sure what free radicals are or who emancipated them, but I’m pretty certain that I don’t want them having an oozy, goozy shindig on my chin – particularly since they didn’t even bother to bring their hostess a bottle of wine. Who shows up to a pore party empty-handed? Love that! Having just battled a massive subterranian “lurker” on my chin (damn, I’m 46, should I have outgrown this by now???) I can totally empathize! I had to fib and tell a certain someone who had reason to be close to my chin that my sister’s chihuahua puppy bit me… bad me. I have a CD all about the Bog People but have yet to watch it… that guy’s face is amazing! I hope the bog does something amazing to your skin, which is already so beautiful. Bitch. Also, I’d say it’s more of a “brown face,” like the Native tribes that were systematically uh, invited to leave Florida a few hundred years ago, which somehow ties more in to the preservation of ancient peoples. Somehow.

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Hey Laura,

      I always love your comments. They’re so sweet and thoughtful. Isn’t it annoying to have to deal with things like pimples at our age. Ugh! I thought I was done with that years ago. Fortunately, I don’t get them often, but they can be stubborn little boogers. I can’t believe you fibbed about your blemish. Tee hee. You crack me up, girl! I still think what Matt said was one of the funniest things that have ever come out of his mouth. Hubby is so hilarious!

      • Laura

        You hubby IS hilarious! Yeah, my fib was necessitated not by the intelligent decision to conduct a three-pronged attack on my “tumor” (peat mask, rubbing alcohol, margarita), but because I picked at it so much that it actually looked like a canine bite! I never learn.

  6. aparnauteur

    I have a better smelling alternative to zapping the zits—toothpaste. It might not provide you the raw appeal of the bikini-fight, but it does hold the radicals hostage.

  7. Tophat

    Whoa. Wait.
    There are… what in my face??? Radicals? Son of a bitch, how the hell did they get in there! I feel like I should charge the little bastards rent, at the very least.

    This is why I am glad to be a guy. No one tells you about the horrors under your skin.

  8. Valentine Logar

    Does the bog work, that is what I want to know! Hear the sound of Depends slapping wildly together. I actually saw Richard Pryor live before he was rich and famous (I think he was high though). You have years to go with Zits, Wrinkles and oh, wait for it Hot Flashes to come. Sorry, we never are to old for these gifts.

  9. Anna F.

    Holy f-n shit. Are you published yet? And if not, an essay on who emancipated free radicals WILL get you published. WTF, being the bitch that I am, I hate that you’re ALMOST as funny as myself. Do you get paid for this? Seriously, and if so, how? I just quit my horrendous teaching job (walked out, grabbed my crotch, and told a bunch of 15 year-olds to “suck it”) and I would flip my shit to be able to get paid to write. So tell me, mommy, how to do this. This is me clapping two Depends together. You. Are. Rad.

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      You just made me so happy I peed my Depends. Yes, I have been published in regional magazines in Florida and I used to be the assistant editor of a big legal journal. I also wrote a couple of poems for my friend’s best selling novel – and that, I did for free. I’ve never made much money from writing, but this is really the first time I’ve taken a stab at being funny. You deserve the applause, though. Teaching. Ugh! I subbed for a couple years and figured I’d better stop when the kids stopped laughing at my Ozzy Osbourne impression. And you are fucking hilarious, my dear. Write a book and start sending it out to lit agents. The world needs to laugh more often.

  10. Simon

    I appreciate that when writing a post about some kind of facemask wrinkle cream thing you at least included a picture of a gnarly looking dead dude and some chicks in bikinis. It’s like you remembered that I was the lowest common denominator and didn’t want to leave me out.

    Thanks!

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      This zit didn’t just screw up my day; it’s lived on my chin for over a week now, witnessed history on Election Day and garnered it’s own blog post. I think I may have to name it before it’s gone completely. Any suggestions?

      • vyvacious

        GASP. How exciting!! Oh dear. This will be better explained over some cupcakes and cookies. I can’t just splash my secret superpowers all over the interweb :P

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        True dat! Can wine be involved in this conversation? And may I say that all blogging superheroes don’t wear tights. Why? Because all blogging superheroes don’t have size 2 asses. Capes, on the other hand, are very useful.

      • vyvacious

        Oh yes please. I love me some good wine!!

        I COMPLETELY AGREE! I can’t even wear normal jeans because none of them fit my bodacious booty…haha! Spandex-y “jeans” ftw! Haha. I do use my Batman cape to keep me warm at times when a jacket is nowhere to be found :)

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        How do you like the new skinny jeans trend? It’s like designers conspired to come up with the most unflattering look for 95% of the population. “Hmmm, how can we maximize a woman’s muffin top, camel toe and cankles all at the same time? Skinny jeans?” For the record, I don’t have cankles, but that only ensures that I look like a turkey baster while wearing skinny jeans.

      • vyvacious

        The new skinny jeans trend definitely is not designed for a woman with curves. It is really unflattering because all I see are awkward flab and some intense crotch lifts. And you’re right when you say it’s 95% of the population, it’s a bit unsettling.

        Haha. I still can’t pull them off. What worries me is when I discovered that some of my male friends were buying women’s skinny jeans to wear… That’s when I really started worrying.

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        Agree! And the part that really sucks about men buying women’s skinny jeans is that they invariably look better in them than the rest of us. Bitches! (Yes, if you’re a man who can rock a pair of skinny jeans but can’t play an instrument and aren’t the lead singer of a band, you are officially a bitch in my book.)

  11. iRuniBreathe

    I live near the ocean and every year a god-awful stench wells up. The apartments that are located seaside tend to have a high vacancy rate at this time. Perhaps I could go down and roll around in the rot of seaweed and such and suddenly look 20 years younger. Not that I want to be in my 20s again. I only want to look like it, and only on some days.

  12. jimmydevious

    Well it could always be worse now couldn’t it? ;) You COULD end up getting a Giant red zit…On the TIP of your Nose…IN DECEMBER! I swear I had that happen to me one time and my buddies sisn’t stop calling me “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Jimmy” for nigh on a month!! :P lol

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