Donald Trump’s Big Secret About President Obama

“Omigod, Mitt. I’ve Got This Big Secret About Obama That I’m Going To Reveal A Couple Of Days After He Wipes Up The Floor With You During The Last Debate. Trust Me, You’ll Need All The Help You Can Get!”

Unless you’ve been living in cave in North Korea, you’ve probably heard that the orange buffoon Donald Trump has a big SECRET about President Obama which he’s planning to unveil this week.  During a Monday phone call with Fox and Friends, the Trumpster said, ”It’s going to be announced probably on Wednesday. But I have something very, very big concerning the President of the United States.” When probed for more information, The Donald would only add, “It’s very big. Bigger than anybody would know.”

Having been led down the birther path by this pompous, tanorexic blowhard before, I’m hesitant to give the Trumpomatic a single inch of space on my blog. However, being a humor writer, I can’t ignore a golden opportunity to explore the possibilities. What could this important news be? Hmm. Let’s consider what we know: (a) it’s very, very big; (b) it’s about President Obama; (c) it’s coming from the least credible source since Chicken Little.

Top Ten Possible BIG Secrets About President Obama To Be Revealed By The Dumpster

1. President Obama shaved his fro down a couple inches, effectively reducing his height from 6’3″ to 6’1,” in order to avoid being labeled a “big, angry black man.”

Black Men Can Be Either Big Or Angry, But White Americans Won’t Vote For A Black Man Who’s Both

2. President Obama is actually Bill Clinton in black face and, thus, his presidency is invalid as no person may be elected to the office of the President of the United States more than twice as per the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution.

3. President Obama doesn’t meet the “natural born citizen” requirement of the Constitution because he was actually hatched – the offspring of an advanced race of seven foot tall alien bunnies who settled in the United States in the hopes of saving the world from apocalypse under the leadership of President Mittens.

Obama With His Real Mother – The All Powerful, Egg-Laying Easter Bunny

4. President Obama will appear on Celebrity Apprentice if he is not re-elected. Television execs predict that The Dumpster will be fired and the name of the show will be changed to Socialist, Muslim, African, Liberal, Gay-Loving, Fetus-Murdering Apprentice with President Obama at its helm. Democrats and repentant Republicans will tune in in record numbers.

5. President Obama’s nickname in the bedroom is “Big Barry.”

6. The reason no photos exist of the President before the age of 13 is because President Obama used to be a vampire. A complete transfusion of human blood at age 14 reversed his blood-lust symptoms.

The Dumpster Likes To Claim That This Photo Isn’t Of President Obama, But Of Sandra Bullock’s Son, Louis (But All Black People Look Alike To The Dumpster)

7. Bigfoot exists and President Obama is in possession of the only genuine photograph, contained within the president’s Book of Secrets.

8. The paperwork making Hawaii a U.S. territory and, later, the 50th state were all forged; thus, President Obama is not a natural born citizen of the United States.

9. All those emails you’ve been getting from President Obama – he didn’t really send them; his staff of sharp-fanged, winged faeries did.

10. The real reason Mitt Romney has promised to cut funding for PBS is because the part of Big Bird has secretly been played by President Obama since 1972. Yeah, he was only eleven at the time, but he was tall for his age.

Big Bird: “One Day, I’m Going To Have Your Husband’s Job, Mrs. Nixon…And Then You’ll Be In For A Real Surprise!”

What do you think? Please feel free to cast your vote for the most likely big, fat whopping lie SECRET that the Dumpster will reveal this week – or suggest your own in the Comments section below. Yes, you CAN!

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Photo credits: 
Mitt & Trump: Abcnews.go.com
Obama’s Afro: Latimesblogs.latimes.com
Obama With Bunny Mama: WashingtonPost.com
Baby Obama: Telegraph.uk.co
Big Bird Obama: Wikipedia

76 comments

  1. Kathy V.

    I happen to know that it’s actually #9. I know because I’ve been hired as a part-time sharp-fanged winged faerie to make calls harassing nice, upstanding conservative families with my liberal propaganda. They hired me because they know that I’m such a staunch socialist/fascist, and because of my unusually sharp teeth.

  2. The Green Study

    Ugh. This guy’s “truths” are like a cockroaches. Shed some light on them and watch them scatter. I hadn’t heard about this, but I tend to avoid TV news. Can’t wait for the big “reveal”. Move that Hairpiece! Move that Hairpiece!

  3. John

    And this secret is SO BIG that the Trumpinator is announcing it via Twitter where he won’t be forced to used more than 140 characters. We all know how much people hate details.

  4. deepsspace

    I never heard of this. Probably because I tend to not have anything to do with politics. I don’t live in a cave in North Korea, I live in Canada-I swear!

    Maybe Obama knows where 2pac and Biggie really are…

  5. lanceleuven

    He’s a time travelling, shape-shifting lizard from the 11th dimension isn’t he? I knew it. I knew it all along. Four years I’ve spent explaining this to everyone I’ve encountered. Now we’ll see who’s edging slowly backwards while laughing nervously and assessing the quickest escape route.

  6. tomwisk

    Donald Trump is so full of s**t his eyes are turning brown, He just noticed nobody mentioned his name and he had to slither back into the spotlight. The only secret he has is the potion he uses to delude women into marrying him.

  7. the dead feed

    Very funny post! Personally, I think Trump will reaffirm for us that President Obama’s birth certificate is indeed a fake. Truthfully, President Obama was born on Mars to a hyper-intelligent alien race plotting a hostile takeover of Planet Earth. Also, Mars is the red planet, which means that the alien civilization is communist. President Obama is a communist.

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Well, at least he’s the spawn of a hyper-intelligent alien race. As far as the reasoning behind Mars’ redness, I believe that has more to do with the nanophase ferric oxides in the dust that coats most of the planet, but that’s just the opinion of thousands upon thousands of scientists. Don’t let that dissuade your crazy talk.

  8. Stacie Chadwick

    Dear BB,
    I actually take offense at you calling Donald Trump tanorexic. That’s a slap in the face to all spray tanners such as myself. In truth, he’s actually got sort of an orangey-brownish glow, and anyone wielding a BOGO coupon for Majestic Tan (I-25 and Arapahoe Road) will back my up.
    xoxo

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Sorry, BB…I stand by my comment that Trump is tanorexic. While you are a spray tan fan, you are smart enough to stay away from colors like “Toxic Orange Crush” or “Rust Me, I’m Not Orange,” and stick with safe, natural tones like “Tequila Sunset” or “Loco Cocoa.” You are the one with the sexy, subtle glow, while Trump tends to radiate more like, say, Chernobyl. You’re not tanorexic; you’re tantastic!

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Jalal, I’m a humor blogger. If you’re looking for a serious analysis of the best way to reduce the deficit, I’d have to refer you to another blog for that kind of information. If you just want to have a laugh – usually at my expense – then visit again tomorrow morning and you won’t be disappointed. Best, Miss Snarky Pants

  9. 1pointperspective

    Obama’s secret is that his wife is not Tyler Perry dressed in drag, but is in fact an actual black woman. Trump is gonna crow about this, because if there’s one thing that freaks out Republican America, it’s a strong black woman (unless her name is Condeleeza).

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Ouch! Don’t go after Michelle. She the most amazeballs First Lady we’ve ever had! But you’re right about Republican America; the fact that you could count all the African Americans in attendance at the RNC on one hand is pretty darn telling.

  10. Angry Demon

    Maybe its one of these:
    1. Obama is technically an Indonesian ctizen.
    2. Obama is an Iranian-Chinese Double Agent.
    3. Obama is a Blackface Chinese.
    4. Obama is secretly a Republican spy.

  11. Tophat

    Knowing the way those political emails go, it’ll be something completely simple…. uh, blown out of proportion (No, dammit I refuse to say that it has been “trumped up. My god).
    “If President Obama is re-elected to a second term, he will continue to pursue DEMOCRAT policies and not be a Republican!!”
    “NOOOOOO”
    *flips over desk in rage*

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      You went there. What a trump up! I think Trump is just trying to work his way into the dictionary. He wants the word Trump to mean something…besides what it already means. Unfortunately for him, I think it’s going to come to mean douchebag (i.e. Rush Limbaugh’s nearly as big of a trump as The Donald).

      • Angry Demon

        Disney should sue Donald Trump for using Donald Duck ‘s name, likeness and personalty without permission.

      • Miss Snarky Pants

        Very true. This is why I prefer to refer to him as The Dumpster, but I suppose dumpsters everywhere will start suing. They’ve got much less dirt on their hands than the Dumpster.

  12. Angry Demon

    The big suprise is……………………..Obama stand for O.B.A.M.A ==Organized Black African Men Association.

  13. Angry Demon

    Except for his hair.You gotta respect the hair.
    And I agree with SOME of romney and ryan idea to bring USA back to its feet.But I also agree on SOME of Obama idea.Both have plus and minus.The question now is can both parties,whoever wins, come together and cooperate to make USA great again?Using REASON rather than political agenda–dogma whatever you may call it.Calling the Dems are pawns of the Devil is as Irrational and Idiot as calling The Reps a bunch women hating Nazi.Its not constructive nor it is productive.

  14. Angry Demon

    So,Trumps biggest secret is a….$5 million dollar fund to any charities of the president’s choice if Obama will publish his Collage records and Passport?–>

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2222447/Donald-Trump-announcement-Tycoon-offers-5m-charity-Obama-releases-college-records.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

    Anybody out there find this REAAAALLLLY ANNNOYYING and A WASTE OF TIME?
    Disney REALLY should sue the *beeep* out of him for using Donald Duck ‘s name, likeness and PERSONALITY without permission and TWISTED the Friendly Image Of Donald Duck.

  15. Pingback: HoT NeWs » vacuum bagging film
  16. Fathead Follies

    Now I’m completely obsessed with the image of Voldemort’s face underneath Trump’s combover. I couldn’t care less what Trump has to say. If you don’t like the president’s politics fine, that’s why we don’t have a one party system, but can we stop trying to prove that he’s an evil, female foreign national? These days it’s just not enough to say you don’t agree with his politics apparently. I mean the man has terrible taste in beer but I’m not holding that against him.

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Trump is a sad, loathsome creature. This has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with Trump’s pathetic ego. Fortunately, people are bored with his claims and promises. From what I could see, none of the major news networks were all that interested in his “challenge.” I even forced myself to watch Fox News for a little while after the Dumpster’s announcement and they didn’t acknowledge it.

  17. Carrie Rubin

    I can ignore most ‘celebrities’ who bug me, but the two personalities that really, really ruffle my feathers are Donald Trump and Ann Coulter. Talk about arrogance in the former and misinformation in the latter. Glad to see I’m not alone in my feelings about The Donald. Great post!

  18. AngryDemon

    Well,Its official.The Panthers defeated The Redskins with a winning score of 21-13.Sooooo…according to The Redskin Rule, Romney would win this election. Here’s what the Redskins Rule means: If the Redskins win their last home game before the presidential election, then the incumbent party retains the White House. If the Redskins lose, then the incumbent party is voted out.Hey, its real,just google it and If this is proven true for the election ,than its officially very creepy.

  19. AngryDemon

    IT IS OFFICIAL !!!OBAMA WON!!
    Congratulations to The Dems out there.Hope The Rep and the Dem can get together now and start rebuilding USA.

  20. Ritu KT

    I despise whatever this guy has to say. He should be thankful for having money. If he wasn’t rich, God only knows what people could have done to a person like that. Who gives a damn about his big secret…

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      Amen! You’re preaching to the choir! I’ve never seen such a case of narcissistic personality disorder. Of course, that could be because I’m not a psychologist…

      Anyone out there who is a psychologist? What’s your take on Trump?

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