I enjoy reading The Huffington Post. It delivers my news in the crunchy-granola, tree-hugging, Obama-loving, non-homophobic, NPR-listening, organically-grown, Jon Stewart-worshiping, ballet-flat wearing format that makes me feel happy, informed and secure. If The Huff Post editors eat meat, I’m sure they feel guilty about it later. For years now, reading my news online delivered me from the hell that is local, conservative news programming – or worse – vapid, syndicated morning shows, which make me nauseous with their bright, Crest-strip smiles and regular visits from the local zoo. Meet Nagini, the albino python or a hoard of hissing cockroaches. Please – not before I’ve eaten my oatmeal, okay?
But then things changed. AOL came into the picture and acquired The Huff Post. Suddenly Arianna Huffington was in the hot seat on every liberal media program mumbling her way through interviews in a Greek accent thicker than a tub of Chiobani. Despite the fact that AOL is a true
bastard bastion of news organizations, up there with The National Enquirer and US Magazine Time, The Economist and The Atlantic, recent headlines have been less than compelling.
Now I’m not going to blow bullshit dust up your ass; I love my pop culture and I pepper my posts with references to the Kardashian Empire (now which one is Anastasia?) just as often as I defend Obama’s birth certificate or my desire to own Vladimir Putin as a guard dog.
However, my time is limited and I have to prioritize it accordingly. Just yesterday, I was called out by a reader for reporting on my Facebook page that Anderson Cooper is gay – a week or two after most of the media had already acknowledged the fact. As I politely explained to her, I’m not just some fluff blogger who takes the easy way out and immediately addresses frivolous claims about the sexual preference of a man whose name has become synonymous with the phrase “in the closet.” For chrissakes, Anderson watches The Real Housewives of Atlanta, then calls into Andy Cohen’s show and chats with him about how fierce NeNe Leakes is. He kicked down the door of his closet years ago when he started hanging out with the world’s most famous fag hag, Kathy Griffin (a real Captain Obvious move, if you ask me) – and now uses it to store all his tight tees, assless chaps and a rainbow-filled trousseau for when he and his partner finally wed.
As a serious journalist, I was busy researching and writing my investigative report on the disappearance of interracial couples – specifically salt and pepper shakers – from restaurants across the country. So, I’m sorry if I haven’t focused the appropriate attention on the non-events being reported on by my beloved Huff Post. Thus, today I’m here to make amends and direct my attention to the headlines that are perhaps less political than “Syrian Defense Minister Killed In Bomb Attack” or “Controversial Abortion Ban Moves Forward.” I’ve come to realize that you don’t care if you ever see Mitt Romney’s tax returns – even though they allegedly demonstrate that he paid no taxes in 2009 whatsoever. After all, it’s just an election. They’ll be another one in four years – and reports that it’s gonna be really hard to restore women’s suffrage rights are probably grossly exaggerated. No, getting black people the right to sit anywhere they want on the bus again is going to be much tougher.
So today’s post will be dedicated to what I call The Top 15 Non-Event Headlines culled from the pages of The Huffington Post, the online news source synonymous with integrity and investigative reporting. Yes, these are actual headlines.
1. Julianne Hough Goes Running In Bikini: This would be an event if Julianne didn’t have, say, legs. Or if she was a male Mormon senator running for President. Or if the bikini was clear. Or if she was carrying a live grenade away from a cluster of school children on a field trip at the beach. Or if Ryan Seacrest was wearing one, too. (I know, that last one wouldn’t be news at all.)
2. Katie Holmes Used To Pray For Tom Cruise As A Teen, Former Classmate Says: This is surprising. Previously, Katie has admitted to wanting to marry Tom Cruise when she was a teenager, but to think that she would take the time to say a prayer for him in her Bible class each and every day – now that’s what I call devotion. She loves that man. He has no idea how lucky he is to have her. Nothing can tear them apart – not when prayer is the glue that holds them together. And now they share a devotion to Scientology. Religion is like egg whites; it’s makes the marriage meatloaf firm.
Wha..? Excuse me. Hold on a moment.
What? Nooooooooo! Not divorcing! She used prepaid phones? He was in Iceland? I can’t believe it. Sniff. Not Tomkat! Oh, the humanity.
Sorry about that. I’m back. Where was I? Yes, the glue that holds a marriage together. Except maybe, you know, when that particular glue isn’t really a religion, but is more like a creepy cult that charges its members exorbitant fees for auditing sessions, refers to people who leave the “religion” as suppressive people, and requires Sea Org members to sign billion year contracts, a marriage can disinigrate. It’s rumored that Tomkat’s daughter, Suri, has already been audited at the ripe old age of six. Maybe this was a good idea; she’s clearly one hot mess, teetering around in gold stripper heels and wearing lipstick by the time she was four. The good news is that if this acting thing doesn’t work out for Katie – rumors that Dawson’s Creek is coming back to television have been stymied by Michelle Williams’ refusal to work with a bunch of “B-level losers” – she and Suri could likely star on Toddlers and Tiaras. And when Suri outgrows that, they can move on to Dance Moms. Yeah, the world’s her oyster now.
3. ‘RHONJ’ Melissa Gorga Is Cousin Of ‘Karate Kid’ Actor: Someone who isn’t famous enough to be identified by just her name is related to an actor whose name we forgot twenty years ago. Raise your hand if you know what “RHONJ” stands for. Now slap yourself with it.
4. Miley Cyrus Goes Blonde: Alert the cosmetics companies. Since the fictional Hannah Montana wants nothing to do with her, Miley is hoping to score a Preference by Loreal ad…and some salvia. Weed’s good, too. The thing that bugs me about this headline is that it’s so over-the-top deceptive. The photo clearly demonstrates that she’s has blonde highlights – at the most. Text me when she goes platinum and does something relevant that doesn’t involve her tweeting, smoking or posing naked with her mullet-haired father.
5. Everyone Got Dressed Up For The ESPY Awards 2012: Actually, this was a real concern after everyone showed up for the 2011 ESPY Awards naked. Whew! I’m still trying to burn the image of Sean White’s ginger pubes from my brain.
6. Michelle Williams Dresses All Wrong For Comic-Con 2012: The press apparently felt that Michelle Williams was overdressed and didn’t understand the comic-obsessed, sci-fi, super nerd vibe of the convention. I don’t get it. Looks like her dress is dotted with a modern interpretation of the Galactic Empire emblem to me. Go Team Vader!
7. Rihanna Shows Off Bikini Body: A Google search of the terms “Rihanna” and “bikini” yielded 37 MILLION results, leading me to believe that this may not be the first time that the pop star has shown off her body in revealing beach attire. Then again, 37 MILLION results could be wrong. After all, over 62 million Americans voted for George W. Bush in 2004. That had to be some kind of mistake, right? I mean, no one would do that on purpose, would they? That’s just crazy talk.
8. Snooki Asks Kelly Ripa If She Pooped During Birth: Not the question I would have expected Snooki to ask the morning host. Maybe “Do they serve Mexican Bulldogs in the maternity ward?” or “How long did you wait before you got your baby spray-tanned?” The writers got this one all wrong because the real headline is in Kelly Ripa’s response to Snooki’s question. “No…I have never pooped, ever!” the blonde host declared emphatically. This means one of three things. 1) Kelly Ripa is full – and I mean full – of shit; 2) Kelly Ripa’s “boobs” are actually her colostomy bag; or 3) Kelly Ripa is a plant.
9. Michelle Williams, Jason Segal Go Shopping: Thank goodness. The recession’s over. Do you hear that? Two rich celebrities went shopping. It’s all gonna be okay, people.
10. Katy Perry Wardrobe Malfunction: Star Comes Dangerously Close: It’s true. Katy Perry came dangerously close to being utterly irrelevant for an entire day, until the press picked up on the scandal that always accompanies a droopy strap that exposes a celebrity’s, erm, shoulder. Cover your kid’s eyes. After all, she is a role model for children – and yet, she’s slouching.
11. British Royals Wear Crazy Hats: Trending now. As no member of the British royal family has ever donned a wacky hat
since last week or so ever before, the fact that Camilla Parker-Bowles has recently worn a few jaunty chapeaus is big news on the other side of the Atlantic, where people – particularly members of the royal family – are more reserved and careful not to draw attention to themselves. Let’s hope Andrew and Fergie’s daughters – or worse, Kate Middleton – don’t sink to this level of attention-seeking desperation.
12. Mila Kunis Looks Sexy And Tough: It’s about time. She’s been pigeonholed as an unattractive, unlovable, knitted cap-wearing, Family Guy cartoon character for years now. She’s so homely, the cutest boyfriend she’s ever had in real life is Ashton Kutcher – and he couldn’t hack it as a model so he had to become television’s highest paid actor instead. I’m just so glad the media is finally giving her a chance. Let’s face it, the green-eyed brunettes with killer bodies always get the short end of the stick. Hello, Megan Fox? I bet that poor girl feels ugly and vulnerable every day of her life. And Gisele Buchanan – she just can’t get a break. It’s much worse for Mila though…because she can act. There’s a good chance that despite this headline, she’ll be pigeonholed again – this time as a Meryl Streep or Kate Blanchett-type actress, destroying her dream to just be an objectified piece of Hollywood ass.
13. Kristen’s Got All Broody: When was Kristen Stewart chipper and optimistic? She’s the emo poster child. Her full name is Kristen Teenage Angst-Stewart. She makes goths look tanorexic. Her foundation color is called Sallow. Her favorite book is The Bell Jar. She’s more awkward and uncomfortable than a new romantic comedy starring Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. It’s rumored that if she ever cracks a smile, Vladimir Putin’s eyes will bleed until he suffers a lengthy and excruciating death.
14. Kristen Sits Next To Anna Wintour At Balenciaga: Let me get this straight. Broody Kristen Stewart sat next to the bitchy Anna Wintour at a fashion show. I’m stunned. Truly, I never believed that something like this could happen. After all those headlines about Kristen Stewart being so broody, I figured she’d have killed herself by now.
15. Supermodel Wows In Teeny Tiny Bikini On Miami Beach: A supermodel? On the beach wearing a bathing suit? And looking so hot she’s wowing people? What’s next? Supermodel Appears On Cover Of Sport’s Illustrated Wearing Teeny Tiny Bikini? Supermodel Dates Leonardo Di Caprio? Supermodel Hails From Brazil? Is nothing sacred in this world? When a supermodel is reduced to exposing her body – for free – to complete strangers, something is seriously off kilter with the universe. How desperate does a supermodel have to be to turn to this kind of – I don’t know – superficial degradation of the female body image? And not one person on that beach vomited. Sick fucks!
So now that you’ve had your fill of non-events, I’d like to share with you what I found to be the single most important, life-altering piece of journalism within the web pages of The Huffington Post all day. I know it’s hard to steer your thoughts away from the likes of the demise of Tomkat and Kelly Ripa’s non-existent poo, but please take a moment to read this article and consider the impact it may have on your life, your rights as an American citizen and the future of international trade agreements.
For those of you who are simply too apathetic to read an article about something that actually matters, here’s a recap. Despite the fact that more airlines are nickel and diming their passengers for everything from checked baggage to earphones, some are serving complimentary cocktails – and not just to first class passengers – on flights. Keep in mind that this policy is usually limited to international flights, but that just makes France seem all the more appealing, doesn’t it? It’s almost like a reason to fly there – especially if you can quickly board another plane and fly right back.
Airlines That Sling The Sauce For Free
1) British Air
3) Air France
4) China Airlines
6) Singapore Airlines
7) Virgin Atlantic Airways
9) Korean Air
See you in the friendly skies. Cheers!
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