Bath Salts Made Me Eat Your Face

Zombie Horde – They’re Coming!

Remember when bath salts made your skin soft and smell faintly of something like lavender? Remember when the worst thing that could come as a result of using bath salts was a UTI? Remember when bath salts were merely part of one of those crappy, bath product gift baskets you bought your great Aunt Edna for Christmas because they were cheap, but looked expensive, plus you could pick them up at any pharmacy you passed on your way to visit her at the old folk’s home. And, let’s face it, Aunt Edna smelled like urine mothballs – on a good day. Well, those days are gone, folks.

Aunt Edna’s Gift Basket – Before Bath Salts Ignited The Zombie Apocalypse (Image via Amazon)

For years, experts have predicted that the zombie apocalypse would be brought about by a virus – one so powerful that it would render homo sapiens helpless to control their most savage impulses. Adrenaline rushing through their veins, the infected were predicted to exhibit an unusual level of endurance, lumbering at a slow, but terrifying and consistent, pace. As with all flus and viruses, young children and the elderly were expected to become the first casualties…mostly because they weren’t fast enough to outrun the newly-created zombies who would be thirsting for their blood. And just never tired.

But the virus never manifested itself. The zombie watchers got their panties all in a bunch when the H1N1 outbreak of 2009 petered out in mid-2010 – and no one went crazy and dined on their neighbors; they just died of respiratory failure. The books predicting the zombie apocalypse came and went out of vogue. Yeah, we all thought Pride, Prejudice and Zombies was a really clever idea. At least until it was followed by the release of another 8,000 dystopian novels about badass classic book characters/U.S. presidents/unusually attractive teens surviving a fictional zombie apocalypse. Sure, AMC’s The Walking Dead has been a big hit and World War Z is coming out next year, but let’s face it, zombies are quickly becoming passé. Like Paris Hilton and Robert Pattison, they are suffering from overexposure. Even my zombie-loving Hubby banned the undead from this year’s Christmas and Birthday Wish Lists after he received a zombie video game, several zombie-themed books, The Walking Dead board game, multiple zombie t-shirts, undead underwear and a birthday cake decorated with – you guessed it – glow-in-the-dark zombie figurines for the holidays last year.

It Was A Great Fucking Idea Until Everyone Else In The Family Gave Hubby Zombie Presents (Image via Cristy Lewis)

Overall, the future of the zombie apocalypse didn’t look good. Zombies were destined to fall by the wayside just like vampires, werewolves and pathetically pale, whiny heroines from Washington. Until this week.

  • Last Saturday, a stark naked, 31 year old Miami man, Rudy Eugene, brutally attacked an elderly homeless man in broad daylight and chewed off his face. When police attempted to approach the real-life Hannibal Lecter, he growled at them and resumed, erm, eating the transient, Ronald Poppo. Even after being shot once by police, Eugene continued his meal. In the end, the officer was forced to fire multiple shots, killing the nude man and finally ending his gruesome feast. Armando Aguilar of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police told NBC that close to 80% of the victim’s visage was missing and confirmed that  Eugene was “actually swallowing pieces of the man’s face.” Poppo remains in critical condition and doctors anticipate that his recovery will be a lengthy process.

    Rudy “Causeway Cannibal” Eugene and Ronald “Face Tartare” Poppo (Image via abcatlanta.com)

  • A week prior, Dr. Zachary Bird, a Central Florida anesthesiologist was arrested on various charges including suspected DUI and battery on a police officer after the physician nearly sideswiped a state trooper’s vehicle, then failed a field sobriety test. Glassy-eyed and smelling of alcohol, Bird allegedly had at least $54,000 in cash on his person or in his car, two handguns, a vial of an unidentified liquid and prescription medications. But this is where the story starts to get crazy. After being cuffed and placed in the back of the squad car, the doctor went on a rampage, slamming his head repeatedly against the polycarbonate partition in the back of the car, causing his forehead to bleed profusely, screaming at the top of his lungs – over and over – for the officers to “stop stealing my money,” kicked the car door, and  then, finally spit blood into the officers’ faces.

    Dr. Zachary Bird: Before Going Batshit Crazy (Image via blogs.browardpalmbeach.com)

    Dr. Zachary Bird: After Going Batshit Crazy (Image via nydailynews.com)

  • The following day, a New Jersey man reportedly stabbed himself in the abdomen, neck and legs with a knife while police watched. As Wayne Carter proceeded to disembowel himself, officers pepper-sprayed him – with no effect whatsoever. In fact, Carter responded in grisly fashion by throwing his intestines and bits of flesh at the police officers. It finally took a SWAT team to subdue the man, who is hospitalized in critical condition.

So besides each of these heinous acts involving people who were clearly batshit crazy, what do they all have in common? Perseverance. Endurance beyond that of a triathlon winner. An inability to feel or be hindered by pain. Like a zombie, perhaps? But what caused their zombification?

You Can’t Buy These Bath Salts At Bath & Body Works (Image via nydailynews.com)

Police have revealed that the Miami “Causeway Cannibal,” as the press has dubbed Rudy Eugene, allegedly favored a particular drug: bath salts. No, not the kind you gave Aunt Edna. You don’t have to worry that she’s going to chew your ear off the next time you see her – at least not literally. No, these bath salts, labeled with benign names like Lady Bubbles and Ivory Wave, are a fairly new, toxic drug that is available on the streets, but often sold in tobacco stores and head shops.

A dangerous cocktail of MDPV, mephedrone and pyrovalerone, the DEA views bath salts as a similar to mescaline or ephedrine, while dealers claim that the drug can cause users to experience LSD-like hallucinations…for example, a homeless man’s face suddenly looks and tastes like a Thanksgiving turkey. According to a Huffington Post article, the drug “can cause severe agitation, rapid heart rate, high blood pressure, paranoia and symptoms of psychosis, including hallucinations and delusions.” In addition, the drug user’s body overheats – making their blood boil, both literally and metaphorically, so it’s not uncommon for him or her to strip completely naked.

Whether or not Eugene exhibited super human strength during his gory rampage is still unknown, but he did manage to beat and partially strip the Ronald Poppo before he began tearing the flesh from his face, eventually leaving only the man’s goatee intact. Hey, I don’t like hair in my food, either. However, Poppo did have a history of drug use and alcoholism; perhaps he was intoxicated and, therefore, was an easy target. Regardless of whether or not the transient man put up a fight, it’s undeniable that the first shot police fired at Eugene struck him…and didn’t do a damn thing. The Causeway Cannibal wasn’t relinquishing his face tartare for anyone.

Likewise, Dr. Bird was allegedly intoxicated at the time of his brutal head-banging, blood-spitting tantrum, but on what? I’ve seen booze make people crazy, but this man was still wearing scrubs when he nearly sideswiped that squad car. Did he stop at a bar – after visiting his bank and the hospital pharmacy – and down two dozen shots of tequila before hopping into his BMW – all because he was allegedly on his way to help his friend, Fred, who’d been “fucking with the wrong people?” What was he going to help Fred do? I suspect he wasn’t going to pay off Fred’s mortgage or lend him money for the plastic surgery he’d been wanting. After all, Bird founded a plastic surgery clinic in the small Florida town of Weston. Fred could have had calf implants, a nose job and his eyes done for cost. Considering the weapons, cash, assorted pills and mysterious vial of liquid in the Doc’s possession at the time, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that alcohol probably wasn’t the only intoxicant in his system.

If Dr. Bird Hadn’t Been Stopped By Police, Would This Have Been Him A Few Hours Later? (Image via scaryhalloweencostumeideas.net)

After all, the graphic video of Bird in the back of the police car shows him slamming his head hard against the partition six times in a row, opening up a large gash on his forehead. The physician then proceeded to smear his blood all over the partition (ick!) before demanding to be taken to the hospital, then chanting at the top of his lungs – ad nauseum - that the officers better stop stealing his money, sounding like an infuriated, overgrown toddler on a raging chocolate high. He wasn’t dazed. He appeared to feel no pain. He seemingly didn’t tire. Hell, I whacked my head on the corner of a kitchen cabinet yesterday, and I was whining like baby and cradling an icepack against my head for the next ten minutes. If I’d managed to bang my skull a couple more times in a row, I’d have been out cold.

The Deranged Disembowler, Wayne Carter managed to remove his own entrails and stab himself over 50 times, yet police couldn’t subdue him with pepper spray. In case you didn’t know, pepper spray is also used to deter grizzly bears from attacking! When the SWAT team has to be called in to restrain a man who reacts to pepper spray in the same way a model reacts to a spritz of Evian on her face, and who has severed an artery and whose guts are on the wrong side of his belly button…hello, he’s on something! Couple Carter’s unexplainable endurance with a history of mental illness and – surprise, surprise – drug use, and it’s suddenly not so inconceivable that a human being could tolerate that much pain and blood loss, yet still be able to lob his intestines across the room.

What Possesses A Man To Do This To Himself? (Image via Flickr.com)

Thus, it appears that the zombie apocalypse is ON! The terrifying hallucinogenic properties of bath salts have been well-documented since 2010. Last year alone, the Centers for Disease Control reported over 1,000 calls concerning the use of this drug and there are dozens of stories of related deaths, but people continue to buy it. Reportedly, it’s inexpensive and users are willing to suffer bouts of extreme paranoia and horrifying visions in exchange for the temporary cocaine-like high. None of these warnings or tales of cannibalism seem to have any effect on sales. In fact, its use is spiraling upwards. Sure, these high-profile incidents will ensure that bath salts are banned at both the state and federal level nationwide, but that didn’t stop crystal meth from rotting the brains and teeth of idiots across the country.

Why? Because, let’s face it – some people are just stupid. When the CDC is forced to release a warning regarding the teen trend called the “Cinnamon Challenge,” in which kids are dared to swallow a teaspoon of powdered cinnamon without drinking any water, we’ve officially entered an age in which some people have become just too stupid to live. Not only do teens actually participate enthusiastically in the “Cinnamon Challenge,” there’s an entire website devoted to documenting their failures and successes. Do we need to post signs in schools that say, “Just Say ‘No!’ to Drinking Bleach” or “Setting Yourself on Fire Burns” or “Don’t Eat All The Nutmeg Because Your Mom Is Making A Pie Later”? Does the First Lady need to abandon the concept of getting kids to exercise more and focus instead on making sure they don’t eat the entire contents of their mother’s spice rack? Sadly, the answer to all these questions seems to be, “Yes!”

Parents Need To Hide This Along With Their Ambien And Xanax (Image via notjustcute.com)

One of the latest bizarre news stories involves teens drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Have you ever tasted Purell? I’d rather eat bar-b-que chicken with bare hands that have been washed in a bucket of poo than risk licking a drop of sauce off fingers that have been recently sanitized in that foul tasting liquid. But teens will slug that crap down in order to buy themselves a brief high, followed by a trip to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning. At least getting drunk off of cough syrup, mouthwash or vanilla extract tasted good.

Now that our society has degraded itself to the point where people will go to these kind of lengths to get high, despite the chance that they will turn cannibalistic or rip their small intestines from their body, there’s little chance for a Robert Downey Jr. comeback. The combination of sheer stupidity and the availability of cheap drugs proven to make you batshit crazy is a lethal combination for humanity. And one for which the sane members of our society need to be prepared.  So toss the cinnamon, the bath salts (for those with children stupid enough to eat colored, flavored Epsom salts – which will shut down their kidneys, btw), the Purell and the pepper spray, and buy yourself a hockey mask and a taser. Take up cross country or marathon running, and invest in a good pair of trainers because you’re going to have to be able to outrun and outlast these zombie motherfuckers. Consider befriending one of those wackadoos who believes the world’s going to end in December, and buy up all their guns, ammo, food and water for next to nothing when – on December 22nd – they realize that the Mayans just ran out of room on their calendar. Buy an RV. And a tanker filled with gasoline. The zombie horde is coming, my friends.

One Of These Might Save Your Face In A Zombie Attack, But You’d Better Be Able To Haul Ass, Too (Image via originalprop.com)

The undead may be slow, but they’re steady – and I don’t have to tell you who wins that race. Plus, these drug-addled zombies aren’t as unsophisticated as the virus-infected undead of lore. Nope, they have the manual dexterity to undress themselves (which makes horny men and Pentecostal preachers particularly vulnerable) and use weapons. These are the kind of zombies that make fearmongers the world over cream their panties. Glenn Beck? You listening? Zombies could get your fuckwit ass back on television – especially if you blame the homosexuals, Muslims and liberals for promoting a bath salt lovin’ agenda.

Glenn Beck – I Hope The Zombies Eat This Jackhole First (Image via Wikipedia)

***

UPDATE: Another horrific incidence of cannibalism/possible zombie attack from Maryland, where a Morgan State University Student has just confessed to murdering his roommate, then eating the heart and brain. You can’t make this shit up! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/31/alexander-kinyua-kujoe-agyei-kodie-ate-brain-heart-roommate-maryland_n_1560149.html

UPDATE: The Jackson Memorial Foundation has set up a fund to assist Ronald Poppo in his recovery, which experts in facial reconstruction have said will include lengthy treatment, staged reconstruction, and psychological care. Donations can be made by check or online at jmf.org. Please do what you can to help this homeless man, believed dead to his family for nearly 30 years, obtain the care that he desperately needs. Thanks!

UPDATE: International fugitive and Canadian porn actor, Luka Rocco Magnotta, is being sought in connection with the grisly murder and dismemberment of Chinese student Jun Lin, whose body parts were mailed to the offices of Canadian political parties last week. Evidence of Magnotta’s alleged involvement includes a horrifying and graphic video depicting a naked and bound man being stabbed with an ice pick, decapitated, dismembered and sexually assaulted. This shit ain’t funny anymore! http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jun/02/canada-body-parts-victim-chinese

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/01/luka-magnotta_n_1563149.html

UPDATE: Zhang Yongming, known in China as the “Cannibal Monster” was arrested two weeks ago in connection with the murder and dismemberment of at least 20 people in the Yunnan province. Yongming allegedly sold the human flesh as meat and also served the remains to his dog. Authorities found human eyeballs in wine bottles and flesh was hanging from Yongming’s ceiling. This is getting weirder and weirder, folks.

http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/05/30/cannibal-monster-arrested-in-china/

 http://www.danwei.com/cannibal-serial-killer-arrested-in-yunnan/

UPDATE: A Swedish man has been accused of cutting his wife’s lips off and eating them. Reportedly, the man suspected that his wife was  having an affair and ate her lips in order to ensure that they couldn’t be reattached. (Right, dude! You couldn’t just flush her pucker down the toilet?” Though the man’s name has not yet been released, it is reported that he is a former employee of the  Karolinska Institutet, a Swedish medical university. Readers, are your doors locked?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/01/man-eats-wifes-lips-karolinska-institutet-sweden_n_1562776.html

***

This is a humor blog, but it’s important to remember that real people were involved in the events that I described in this post. Please take a moment to say a prayer or send some positive energy to the friends and family mourning Rudy Eugene; to Ronald Poppo and his loved ones; and to Wayne Carter and his family. As far as Dr. Zachary Bird is concerned –  as a physician, that douchebag knows better and I hope some big ol’ queen makes him her bitch in prison.

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Nice People: Driving Man To Extinction

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38 comments

  1. Simon

    There are some good crock pot recipes for face on Pinterest. They are served up in repurposed mason jars with a mint sprig garnish. This was great Cristy!

  2. Kristina

    THANK YOU for allowing me to find out what the heck all the zombie news was about without having to actually read about it in a news source. Much better with a dose of haha.

  3. tomwisk

    As usual you’ve got my attention. I’ve been watching neighbors barbequeing in their backyards. The fat guy that always wears “Kiss The Cook” apron has these pieces of meat on the grill, haven’t seen his wife lately.

  4. Stacie Chadwick

    CC/BB,

    Did I mention that I totally changed the plot of my novel? It’s now about a teenage zombie chic who comes of age in a bath salt-saturated tub with a sparkly vampire. They have crazy paranormal space sex and then he eats her. I think I’ll name him Edward. Bella sounds right for my heroine. “Edward the Flesh-Eating Vampire Who Loves Nubile Zombie Bella Girl”

    Totally awesome and original, right?

    SC/BB

  5. Kathy V.

    Jeez. I was all “hahahahaha” until you added the bit about the guy in Maryland. Now I’m wondering if there’s a really great arms dealer somewhere here in Baltimore who can hook me up. I’m sure there is.

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      The dude in Miami didn’t have a weapon – and the guy in Maryland apparently used a baseball bat. I’m thinking that any major household appliance or a simple butcher knife could provide the protection you are seeking.

      • Kathy V.

        I’m looking around at what I have handy, and all I’m seeing is a lint roller and some neatly folded towels. And a cat. I could always throw a cat at the zombie horde.

  6. natasiarose

    Just so everyone knows, if the Zombie Apocalypse occurs in your lifetime, get on the first BIKE you can find. A car is good for outrunning zombies, but cars need gas and that could be your downfall, my friends.

    To be serious: Great post and bath salts are a horrible drug that everyone should stay away from.

  7. WSW

    Oh for the days of speed balls and rubbing alcohol (remember Kitty Dukakis?), when getting high was lethal only to yourself. Good times. Sigh.

  8. Fathead Follies

    Funny and terrifying. As a mother of children who frequently do nonsensical things, I’m inspired to rid my house of all personal hygiene, spices and cleaning supplies and simply sit in my own filth, eating plain oatmeal with my children tied up in a corner until they’ve reached adulthood.
    Also, I feel inclined to tell you that my cousin is an anesthesiologist and I’ve always suspected he might also be a sociopath. He went into anesthesiology because he hates people and only wants to see them unconscious. At least that is my theory. So I’m inclined to distrust the whole lot of them. If they all became zombies I wouldn’t be the least surprised.

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      I’m inclined to believe that at least half of all doctors are sociopaths. I mean, they’ve got the whole “God” complex going. I can save people. I can cure them. Worship me. I can do no wrong. You can’t pull me over for DUI when I’m higher than Whitney Houston is…now…in Heaven.

  9. 1pointperspective

    When I first heard the face eating story on the news, my first instinct was: oh gosh, that’s horrible. My second instinct was: is this the harbinger of the coming zombie apocalypse? My third impulse, which almost came in second, but was just a hair behind it was: how can i write a blog about this?

    The answer to the third impulse was “You can’t Dave. You need to leave this in the hands of writers like CCL, who can take a horrific series of events and make us all laugh while not hating ourselves for laughing. Go write something more innocuous Dave, and as long as there’s an upswing in this zombie stuff, go out and find out what wines to pair with face – not chianti – that’s from a movie – get serious!”

      • 1pointperspective

        I just found your comment! It’s been sitting in cyber space for 24 hours!

        We could have been sharing witty banter about cannibalism, bath salts and the virtues of a good malbec all this time, and now it’s too late, we’ve got to move onto Alan Alda!

        I’m not sure if I should blame WordPress and it’s perpetual upgrades or if my pathetic laptop is to blame. The only thing i know for sure is that it’s not my fault – I’m in the clear on this one!

  10. Pingback: Cannibals…Zombies…I Just Don’t Know Where To Start With This One « The Way of the Geek
  11. liberalcynic

    That doctor guy is unhinged. I’ve always felt there are more sociopaths among us than we’d like to believe. And the cinnamon challenge is natural selection. Best not to interfere with it.

  12. Pingback: Nation Hoping Florida Incident Beginning of Zombie Apocalypse,
  13. hollybernabe

    I’m not clear how bath salts can be a drug. I mean, are they snorting them or something? Shooting it up? Smoking it? I wouldn’t imagine salt could burn very well. LOL. This all seems sooooo bizarre. Perhaps I’m just being gullible? :)

  14. creeped

    I can see the movie poster now:

    All he wanted was a relaxing bath… and now he’s bathing in his enrails.

    SUMMER 2013
    (If we survive the Mayan predicted apocalypse)

  15. Freda Barthol

    Great post & Fantastic blog I would definitely love to begin a blog too but I have no clue where to begin I possess the ability to do it (not that challenging on the technical part) but I really feel like I am too lazy to post regularly That is the problem if you start you have to go all the way However blogs like yours inspire me to have a go at it

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