5 Reasons Why God Loves Short People Best

Clearly, God didn't like the tall guy, Robert Wadlow, much. He died at the age of 22.

As a taller-than-average woman who has studied – and envied – the privileges enjoyed by those who are limited in physical stature, it has become overwhelmingly clear to me that God loves short people best. I’m not saying He hates tall people, but we’re definitely God’s middle child.

His eldest are average-sized people and they’re beloved because they’re just so normal. It’s as if God sighed in relief when he discovered that His first kid turned out just right – not too short, not too tall. No one was ever gonna call this kid beanpole. He’d never be stuck in the back row of the class photo. “How’s the weather up there?” would never be the first question asked of God’s eldest by absolutely everyone he meets for the rest of his life.

God’s youngest, though short, immediately climbed the ranks of popularity because she was the baby of the family. And everyone knows that small things are cute. Infants are cute. Puppies are cute. Kittens are cute. Hello Kitty erasers are cute. Gnomes – you got it, cute. Roaches, you ask? No, roaches have too many legs to be cute. You probably think a six-legged baby is cute. Freak! Go read your latest issue of  Chernobyl Cuties and get your rocks off – this blog is not for you. Anyway, so God is totally entranced with his youngest bundle of compact joy, and even though she eventually hits 5’1”, has three illegitimate children and becomes a meth addict, she remains adorable in His eyes because she’s the baby of the family. And everyone knows that the baby can do no wrong. Nor can anyone ever put Baby in a corner. At least not if Patrick Swayze’s around.

Nobody Puts A Short Girl, a.k.a. "Baby" In A Corner

That leaves us with gargantuan, taller-than-average people. The forgotten middle children. There’s a syndrome named after us, you know. Taller-Than-Average-People-Who-Wear-Shorter-Than-Average-Pants Syndrome. It’s incurable, but treatable if you know anything about hemming and don’t mind your trousers being cuffed in an entirely different color and fabric. Think of it as a fashion statement. For a short time (no pun intended), we were the babies of the God family, but we quickly grew into long, gangly things resembling weeds, roots, seaweed, ganglion cysts, intestines, Bridges to Nowhere, tapeworms and Lindsay Lohan’s hair extensions. Once we did, God quickly procreated again with some nameless vestal virgin and a petite baby was born, it’s teeny-weeny, dimpled everything eclipsing our lankiness forever.

God With His Three Children: The Average-Sized Eldest Boy, The Tall, Awkward Middle Girl, and His Adorable, Pint-Sized Baby Who Can Do No Wrong and Whom He Loves Best

History of our conception aside, you may be wondering how I know, for certain, that God loves short people best. Hence, here are:

THE TOP FIVE REASONS WHY GOD LOVES SHORT PEOPLE BEST

1)      MINIONS– Ever been strolling through a grocery store when, out of the blue, a munchkin-sized elderly woman with one of those walkers with tennis ball feet suddenly asks you to hand her the expensive bottle of mustard that’s stored on the very tippy-top shelf? Of course, you have. And you did it. Graciously. If you’re a really nice, tall person, you may have even offered to help her acquire a few other grocery items that were placed out of her reach. However, she likely declined you because a few other tall ass suckers already helped her.

Did You Hand This Woman A Jar Of Mustard? Minion!!!!!!

 What you didn’t realize is that, at that moment, you became one of her minions. That’s right. You did her bidding. For that split second, she controlled you completely. And remember, it was expensive mustard. That shrimpy Blue Hair was hardly destitute. She bought Apple stock when a Macintosh was still just a raincoat. She could have hired an assistant to help with her shopping, but she knew that a tall person like yourself would quickly cave upon hearing the opening line she used to lure you into her web of slavery. “Oh, dear,” she purred seductively, “I’ve always wanted long legs like yours. You wouldn’t mind helping me reach that jar of…” But she had you at “wanted long legs like yours.” You were sucked in like a stream of particles circling a black hole. And in space, no one can hear you scream.

Are you screaming...'cause I can't hear you!

2)      PETITE SECTIONS: Ever seen a “Tall” section in a department store? No? Bet you’ve seen a Petite section, though. In fact, practically every major designer has petite versions of their clothes for their pint-sized clientele. If a tall chick is lucky, she might find a few pair of “long” length jeans if she gets there just as the department store opens and she’s willing to search through 8,000 pairs of denim – most of which are marked with the words regular or petite. ‘Cause we’re not regular, folks. We’re not normal. And we don’t get a sophisticated French sounding word like petite to describe our overall lankiness. Don’t forget, a tall girl in search of jeans will have to be prepared to fight off all the other ginormous girls who also arrived at the store early so that they wouldn’t have to wear another pair of cropped pants – or worse, another skirt – next weekend. Which means a tall girl must be fit and capable of taking down a chick who can nail a windmill dunk over Shaquille O’Neal with her eyes closed.

Gimme those jeans or I will totally kick your ass!

 There are likely a few of you out there who will be quick to point out that there are “Big and Tall” shops in nearly every major town. Yes, we have our own stores – because you short and average people won’t allow us big and tall freaks to shop at the mall like the rest of you. Hell, no! It’d be like letting the bull into the china shop. Our larger-than-average frames would stretch out your sweaters and bust your zippers. “Omigosh, Molly. I was totally gonna buy that cute little black dress, but a six foot chick tried it on first and now it’s got tall cooties.” It’s also worth noting that most of these stores cater to men. I’m not a man. I’d consider becoming a man if it meant I could buy a pair of jeans without having to beat up the local female volleyball team to get my hands on them, but then my husband would divorce me – and I’d spend the rest of my days depressed, wearing too-short sweatpants and stained concert t-shirts, which would negate the necessity for the jeans in the first place.

Big and Tall - Where I Won't Be Shopping Unless My Husband Leaves Me! Even then...no. I don't think so.

3)      SCHOOL DRESS CODES – Why are short people so darn cute? In part, it’s because their clothes are smaller than ours. I don’t mean that their apparel is proportionally smaller than tall people’s, but unfairly smaller than ours. This trend began with plaid jumpers and  skirts in private schools. I’m sure any of you who attended such a school are familiar with the traditional rules: 

-          Your skirt may not be shorter than your fingertips; or, in the alternative;

-          The hem of your skirt may not be more than two inches above the middle of the knee.

The first version of this rule would have prevented me from wearing any clothing produced post-Edwardian era for the entirety of my parochial school education. I was tall and skinny. Really scrawny. I made Kate Moss feel like she needed to go purge. My torso was the size of a Tootsie roll. You know that expression, “Her legs went all the way up.” Well, mine went up to my chin and my fingertips scraped the floor when I walked. If you look at old photos of me, my hands are often curled into fists. It’s not because I was angry, I was just trying to prevent my fingertips from getting calloused.

The second version of this rule was no less unfair. When your femur can be used as a ruler by which to judge the length of an Olympic sprint, there isn’t a skirt in the world that’s going to land within two inches of the middle of your knee. They don’t manufacture that much plaid in Scotland. Apparently, they do weave it in South Carolina and eventually, a jumper was created long enough to cover most of my thighs. Having trouble picturing this in your head? Okay, imagine Jack Skellington from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas. Got that in your head? Now, replace his goth black suit with a blue, plaid parochial school jumper and squash a long brown wig with bangs onto his bald head. For kicks, you can fold his bony fingers around one of those Tupperware lunch boxes. I had one for about five minutes – until an average-sized kid threw it out the bus window. I still hate you, L.J. – just in case you were wondering.

Jack Skellington as Me In My Parochial School Jumper. That's My School Down At The Bottom. I Had To Sit Outside Because I Was So Tall.

My point is that my arms and legs were not in proportion to the rest of my body. This isn’t uncommon in taller-than-average people. Sure, Victoria Secret model, Gisele Bundchen’s got a long torso with a tiny waist and huge natural breasts and billions of dollars and thicker than average hair and no visible acne scars – but she’s not normal. Everyone knows she was grown in some Brazilian laboratory and that there’s a button under all that luxurious, naturally-highlighted hair which reveals her bot brain. In fact, if you pour water over her head while her bot brain is exposed, she’ll do The Hustle. You know. The dance. From the Seventies. You’re not that old? F**k off!

Don't Get This Reference? Yeah, Well, I Can Drink Legally And You Can't!

But short people are typically well-proportioned. Their knuckles don’t usually scrape the floor. Their hip bones rarely impede their breathing by pushing against their tracheas. So their parochial school plaid skirts are in proportion to their bodies and, as such, look cute. Even sexy. You know, like in a Britney Spears’ video – who, by the way, at 5’4” is officially shorter-than-average. Bitch. My skirt, on the other hand, looked liked a nostalgic Coleman tent for a family of eight.

What I Don't Look Like In A Parochial School Uniform

4)      SYMPATHY– Short people evoke sympathy because being undertall is viewed as a deficit of some kind by average-sized people. A deficit, you ask? You mean, in the same way that being tall is a negative? No, not at all. Half-pints are viewed as being helpless with big, fluttering eyelashes and a need for consolation and protection. They’re the Scarlett O’Haras of height – who, by the way, was about 5’3″. Tall people are the brash, obnoxious, aggressive Rhett Butlers, which means they aren’t often viewed as being feminine (fine, if you’re a guy, but really annoyingif you’re not) and they’re considered threatening to the frail, oh-so-fragile-I-might-just-disintegrate-at-the-touch-but-as-God-as-my-witness-I’ll-never-be-hungry-again Southern Belles out there.

Rhett and Scarlett - "Unhand me, you scoundrel. Just because I'm short, doesn't mean you can bully me in this way, you aggressive and obnoxious tall person!"

How do I know this? My aunt is short. And she loves to point out exactly how short she is compared to the rest of the family. Why? Because when she emphasizes her tininess, our relatives invariably console her with compliments about her other attributes. “Well, at least you’ve got boobs!” or “But your boobs are huge.” or “Are those real? I mean, they look real.” What? She’s got two rather impressive attributes. Nevertheless, when I’m around her, I find myself buying into the scam and also pointing out her limited physical stature – because it’s nicer than just saying she’s a bitch. As a short person, she likes to claim shyness and quietness (sorry, I just vomited in my mouth) as her virtues, but the truth is that she’s got the biggest personality – and mouth – in the room. And that’s saying a lot in our family.

The other day at a family function, my aunt noticed a need for chairs on the porch. I suggested that we haul out the kitchen chairs, and proceeded to lift one and carry it in the appropriate direction. My pint-sized aunt, on the other hand, wandered around aimlessly, doing absolutely nothing, while me and my average-sized husband moved all – yes, all – the chairs. They weren’t heavy chairs. By their very nature, kitchen chairs tend to be lightweight. But she didn’t lift one. Perhaps she’s just too tiny? Too delicate? Maybe her green velvet gown weighed her down? So much for the whole, As God as my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again. Apparently, her folk won’t starve, but they’ll have to sit on the floor. Unless there are tall people around, in which case, she has her minions, doesn’t she?

Scarlett O'Hara - I'll Never Be Hungry Again...As Long As You Don't Expect Me To Move A Chair

5)      THE TOM CRUISE EFFECT – If there’s a perfect example out there of someone who simply doesn’t deserve to be a leading man, it’s Tom Cruise. Yeah, spare me all the talk of how hot he was in Top Gun and Risky Business. Scott Baio and John Stamos both graced many more covers of Tiger Beat than Cruise did at the time – but you don’t see either of them starring in Mission Impossible 12. Why? Because they can’t act? Possibly (particularly when we’re talkin’ about Chachi, here), but neither can Tom Cruise. C’mon – when your most famous catch phrase is “I feel the need, the need fer speed,” you’re not an actor, you’re an action film animatronic  robot.

"I feel the need, the need for a sequel to Top Gun." Photo courtesy of IMBD.com.

 And, may I point out, neither Scott Baio, nor John Stamos is CA-RAY-ZEE! They didn’t jump on Oprah’s couch or scare the Beckhams away from Los Angeles or call Matt Lauer glib or insist that “psychiatry should be outlawed” on national television. But, then, lots of famous actors are nuts. The question is: Are they short? Scott Baio is 5’10” – average height for an American male. John Stamos is also average at just over 5’11’’. Tom Cruise’s height, on the other hand, is a closely guarded secret. Supposedly, he’s at least 5’7”, but it’s rumored that he may be as tiny as 5’4”. Either way, he’s short. Petite, even. But he’s a star. Why?

Check Out Cruise's Platform Kicks

Ever pissed off a height-challenged person? They get quite indignant about it. For example, Cruise is currently slated to play Jack Reacher, the 6’5” protagonist in the big screen adaptation of Lee Child’s One Shot novel. Of the criticism regarding his, erm, stature as an actor to play the role, Cruise admitted, “Firstly, I’m very sensitive to it. This is Lee’s book and Lee’s character. Him giving me his blessing is what made me do it. If he hadn’t then I wouldn’t have done it.”

Just like with my aunt, no one wants to argue with a short person. Why? Ummm, maybe because the first thing they do is play the short card – something a tall person never does. Need an example?  When Davy Jones’ (The Monkees, people. C’mon!) producer reminded him that they were on Take 7A of the classic, “Daydream Believer,” Davy’s response – on the record, no less – was predictably, as a tiny person, “Okay. I mean, don’t get excited, man. It’s just ’cause I’m short, I know.” Yeah, we’re excited – i.e. really pissed off – because you’re burning up studio time – which, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with your height. (Or your lack thereof. Davy Jones was 5’3”.) It also has nothing to do with the fact that this will turn out to be the only hit Monkees’ hit that you sing lead on, and you’re taking forever to do it!

Davy Jones - "Cheer up sleepy Jean..." Wait a sec. Oh. What? Are you cross with me? It's just 'cause I'm short, I know.

Likewise, people coddle short people. It’s acceptable to make fun of tall people, but not short ones. Maybe this has something to do with dwarfism or little people or whatever – but, for the record, I think that little people and dwarves and midgets are  freaking awesome. I mean, they’re not just short. They’re much shorter than what is considered “normal” or “average,” and that’s totally cool. Us tall people get them. Even if we’re only 5’10” and female, we get them. There’s no groovy tall range, so we appreciate those in the non-groovy short range. The last interesting tall celebrity person of record was Andre the Giant – and he’s been dead for 18 years. We have no representation. So we relate to our “little people” counterparts who also have few role models. We’re ostracized by the mainstream media – as are they, for the most part – and by run-of-the-mill short people, like Tom Cruise. That said, we don’t coddle them. We don’t treat them as “special.” That would be offensive.  And these are people who understand that term and demand that we treat it – and them – with respect.

Peter Dinklage (4'5") from "Game of Thrones" - Don't Pity Me. I'm A Rich Actor Who Happens To Be A Dwarf And You're Not!

But your standard short person wants special attention. They love the word “petite” and revel in being compared to notoriously itsy-bitsy celebrities like Dolly Parton (approximately 5 feet even), Christina Aguilera (5’1.5”), Eva Longoria (5’2”), Jennifer Love Hewitt (5’2.5”) or Jessica Simpson (5’3”).  They also love comparisons to the size of their boobage  and, for some reason, short people seem to have a lot of it. Obviously, we’re talking about women here. Men don’t like to be referred to as being “short.” If this is unclear, re-read the Tom Cruise section or Google anything about Napoleon’s need for overcompensation. Of course, you do have a few undertall celebrities with balls the size of Jupiter – like Al Pacino (5’7”) and Robert Downey, Jr. (5’8”) – both of whom are super hot and at least 6’5” horizontally, I’m sure. I doubt either of them would care if you propped your elbow upon their head as long as your breasts were at eye level.

However, if you so much as bump up against my aunt, she’ll raise a hissy fit, pat her hair as though you’ve ripped out clumps of it with the bent corner of your sleeve, and insist she’s no leaning post. Fortunately, as a taller-than-average person, you know the secret password: bethedevilsminion. To calm her ranting, you ask my aunt, “Can I get you a can of soda…off the top shelf of the pantry?” She’ll acquiesce, of course, and you’ll hand it to her and be on good terms again. As long as you can tolerate being a minion, that is. But sometimes, minions revolt. And this is what you short people out there need to worry about. Because I’m biding my time, along with all the other taller-than-average-people out there who don’t find you cute at all.

My blogosphere buddy, Kitchen Slattern wrote a rebuttal piece in response to this post from the perspective of an undertall person. Although many of you liked my post, Kitchen Slattern’s was just published by More Magazine. You know, a website with some serious readership. And editors. Not that it makes her opinion any more right or valid, but I must grudgingly admit that she’s a gifted, hilarious and clever writer. Why else would I follow her blog every day? Still, in the interest of fairness and because Kitchen Slattern offers some awesome cocktail recipes – along with sobering, and not-so-sobering, wisdom – on her blog, Kitchen Slattern, I’ve decided the right thing to do is to include a link to the domestic diva’s article. Did I mention she references THIS post in it?  Makes me love her even more. Anyway, read on and be impressed (I’m not saying you have to be convinced…): 

Congratulations, Kitchen Slattern. Well done!

70 comments

  1. RN on a mission

    Ahahaha, I am 5’2″ and my grandmother was 4’11”. I am perspectively tall. And by-the-way, I am going to ask for help with the top shelf next time I go shopping! Love your writing.

  2. hooplahicktx

    Seriously. I’m like Amening you here. I do have a question, where do you find dress slacks/suits?! As a “Jack Skellington” woman I’m in a hate-hate relationship with skirts.

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      It’s hit or miss with dress slacks and pantsuits. There used to be a place in the Outlet Mall that had fab suits, but I’m totally blanking on the name. I even checked the mall directory, but I think they’ve left the mall. It’s been a couple years since I’ve had to wear dress slacks – and most of the time, I just went with skirts because it was simpler. For jeans, though, I love, love, love Old Navy. Seriously. Some of their jeans come in Tall lengths and they’re super cheap compared to mall prices. I get compliments on them all the time. Calvin Klein makes a lot of really nice suits with LONG arms – important for tall chicks – and I find them at Ross Dress for Less all the time for $50 or less. Anyway, that’s all I got. Been writing this blog all day – and tomorrow I’ve got to respond to all these amazing comments that I’ve received since I was “Freshly Pressed.” Can I just say, here and now, I am so freaking grateful. I can’t believe you people like me and are following me. It’s such a huge honor. Truly. Thanks…and good luck with the pantsuits. Also, find a good tailor, buy slacks with large hems and get that tailor to let them out – before you wear them! Once you wear them a few times, the crease and discoloration will be noticeable.

      • Heather Tullos

        5’10” Represent! I’ve been slumping so as not to look like a freak since I was 9. And taller than my mom since I was 12. I have two sisters and they are both pocket sized petite and adorable (5’6″ and 5’4″… GAH.) and in every picture of the 3 of us I’m workin on this really awkward lean. Rue 21 ALWAYS has jeans that are long enough (if you can manage to weave your way through the scores of tiny girls that are thumbing through shirts that will only cover half of your rib cage every time you try them on). Love this post!

  3. ruby

    you had me at petites section. i’m 5’9″ and just on the borderline between “average” pants (read: 2 inches too short) and “tall” (2 inches too long). it’s a conundrum. where’s my nice euphemistic section with properly fitting clothes? why are we still condemned to naked ankles or shredded heels?

    i would also add to your list the short women dating tall men phenomenon. i have many a 5 foot-ish friend who insists she needs a 6’+ guy. really??!

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      Always go with tall slacks. You can always get them tailored. The tailor is your best friend. Now, with jeans, I always buy them tall and I love it if they’re long enough to drag on the floor and get frayed and hippy-ish. You know, like my jeans are ALWAYS too long and this fraying thing happens to me all the time. Ha! The more they fray, the more excited I get. Weird, huh.

      BTW, have you ever been in the Petite section and been directed out of it by a salesperson who clearly didn’t think you belonged there? These people rank up there – for me, anyway – with the women who ask me, out of the blue, “When are due?” Due for what? My next hair appointment? My period? Oh…you mean, due. Like you think I’m pregnant. ‘Cause I’m not. It’s just the shirt. And the fact that I have a little bit of a muffin-top. Okay, this is horrendously embarrassing, but I can deal with it except when they ask this question in front of my rail-thin husband. Oh yeah. Thanks, bitch, for pointing out that I’m carrying a little extra weight around the middle – in front of my husband. When people do stuff like that, I am tempted to rip their throats out (but that’s second degree murder in Florida and I’m way too cute for jail), so I smile, shake my head to indicate that I’m not preggers and poke my husband so that he moves away from the incredibly stupid woman. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. And thanks for visiting my blog. Hope you subscribed (followed – but that sounds so cult-like) and that I see you and your awesome comments again!

      • ruby

        yes, daahling, you’re on my list and i’ll be back. anytime i need a laugh. and if i ever need a cult like guru, i will put you on the shortlist.

  4. Cafe23

    Hahaha this is so interesting. I’ve never thought about my shortness in this perspective! I definitely get made fun of for my height. Well, people make fun of me about everything .. but we don’t need to dwell on that. Anyways, it’s always good to hear the opposite perspective of something, so thanks for that ;)

  5. LWSpotts

    Hilarious! I’m 5’2″ and I’ve always described myself as existing at armpit level. In that respect, being the petite one is not so fun! Thanks for the laugh.

  6. littlefairytaleprincess

    As a petite I really loved this post. I think being a petite woman is indeed nice, but I’d never want to be a petite man. They always seem to want to compensate. One should check how many managers are smaller than average. And let’s face it: Tom Cruise lost his touch from the moment he joined Scientology ;-) Plus: they think you – as a petite woman- want them because they are petite as well. WRONG. Because God was a little sadist and made petite women love tall man. In my case all my ex-boyfriends were at least 1m85cm.

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      See, I always kinda dug the shorter guys. Weird? Most of my girlfriends refused – and I’m talking you could have put a gun to their heads and they still would have said, “Absolutely not!” – to date someone shorter than themselves. My perspective was that, as a taller-than-average girl who towers over half the male population, why would I want to limit my options. It’s hard enough to find true love, but when you take 50% of the guys out of the running just because they’re limited in physical stature, you’re pretty much biting off your nose to spite your face.

      The problem I faced was that most shorter guys refused to date a taller chick. We make them feel emasculated. Small. One man insisted I wear flats to the opera and I refused. I was in law school, was church mouse poor and I only had one pair of shoes that matched my dress. Irritated, he insisted on wearing cowboy boots to make himself taller. That was our first and last date. I figured out then that I needed a man who was truly secure in himself.

      The other reason I never ruled out the shorter guys was because I thought it sucked that I was being ruled out exclusively for my height. How rude to make a judgment about someone based on how far the top of their head is from the floor. So I vowed never to do that. Like myself, my husband is 5’10” and is the most secure person I’ve ever met. The sight of me in a sexy pair of heels generates a raised eyebrow and a smile on his part. God, I love that man!

  7. Fanny Brown

    Oh my goodness! I know all these feelings so well! As a child I suffered the tall-person-with-trousers-too-short thing too =( but now, finally, there are a few TALL sections in shops here and I can get trousers that are too long!! HURRAY
    Love your blog!

  8. spurandprod

    I am going on the record to say I fall into the Al Pacino/Robert Downey Jr. short man category. Not the Tom Cruise. Never. I’m an inch taller than Willie Nelson. Yes, I know it’s just numbers, but yes, I do care.

      • spurandprod

        By the way, you have no idea how much my chest swells with pride when a little old lady asks me to get something off the top shelf for her. I may have to stand on my tip-toes to do it, but it still means I’m TALLER than someone!

      • cristycarringtonlewis

        But do you make her name ten Lee Dorsey songs before you’ll actually hand it to her? I’d never get dessert at your house. Know why? ‘Cause I’d make sure that I know ten Lee Dorsey songs – verbatim – and then you’d switch it to some other totally cool and equally obscure musician – and I would get no pie. Of course, I’d find out about another really great musician, go learn ten of his or her songs, come back to your house and be refused pie again. I’d be really pissed about this except I need to lose weight anyway. For now. But when I get skinny, this is going to become a problem. I really like pie.

  9. Erin Cooper

    Tall sisters of the world, unite. I’ve got a few inches on you, but once you hit 5’9, I feel like you’re a card carrying member of the giants. Speaking of which, did you know there was once upon a time ‘tall club’ with height requirements? I only know because my parents met there. Yeah, we’re that family. I’m also totally with Ruby about short women ‘needing’ to date tall guys. Um, hello? I’m already a behemoth next to my own gender and now you want to rub in my face by taking the only guys that I would look normal next to? Sigh, short people. Thanks for this, you’ve got a new subscriber!

  10. WSW

    As a rapidly shrinking short person (I am in no way petite), I have spent my life gazing jealously at those of you with your heads in the clouds. Not for you: calf muscles permanently shortened by daily treks in three inch heels; constant exhaustion from having to take two steps to everyone else’s one just to f*&%^g keep up; the ever present threat that any calorie intake over about 200 a day will instantly transform you into Roseanne Barr; and finally, my favorite, being forced to vacation in the remotest corners of the Yucatan so that you may experience the glory of being not only exotic, but also willowy.

    It appears we all have our crosses to bear. Thanks for lightening the load.

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      As your blog has already become one of my faves in the short time I’ve been on wordpress (because you are hysterical, darling), perhaps your next post could be an open response to this post of mine and we’ll share the links to both on our pages. I’d love to hear more about your side of the ruler. Not that it matters because God still loves you best. LOL Glad you liked the post. :)

  11. kewsmith

    Loved this post. I related to every word and I especially loved the shopping tips in the comments. I intend to make my way to the mall and shop for jeans. If it’s a good day, maybe only one below average in height man will ask me, “Did you place basketball in school?” or “So how tall are you?”. I get it, you think I’m abnormally tall.
    I better stop. I didn’t realize I had so much repressed angry in my 5’10” frame.
    Maybe it’s because I’m not only tall but also I’m actually a middle child.

  12. NderstoodU

    You’re quite the clever writer. Thanks for the enjoyable read. At 6’3″, a taller than average man, I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve been a minion to those dapper grannies. It doesn’t help that the woman I live with is one of these short people, either. “Braaandoonn, can you get _____ down for me?” Of course, I do and smile happily the whole time. Genuinely. Maybe that’s the strange part. Do short people have some sort of happiness emitting power — or are we tall folk just natural suckers for their tiny ways? Perhaps it’s because we soak up that moment to gloat over how easily we can reach those top shelf jars…inside, of course. It wouldn’t do to seem self-satisfied in front of our masters, now would it?

  13. Bryan

    I just wanted you to know that I loved this read. It is exactly how I feel about being tall. I recently wrote a post about why people fear me because of my height. I am only 6’3″! I don’t think that is freakish. I had to share your blog with my sister-in-law because she is 6’0″ and I know she has had these issues too. You’re writing is great! Keep up the good work!

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      Thanks, Bryan. What a nice comment. My dad is 6’4″ and he can be pretty fearsome, but I always used that to my advantage growing up because my height didn’t seem to scare anyone. I think 6’3″ is a very respectable height for a man, though I’d be cursing you silently if I had to sit behind you in a movie theater. Especially if you were wearing a large hat.

      Thanks for sharing my blog. I hope your sis-in-law likes it. By the way, love your specs. Ga-roooovy!

  14. Sonia Aurora

    I spent the better portion of my adult life thining i was 5’5″ and a half until I was told by a doctor I was actually 5’4″ That would make me short, but I round to the middle at 5’5″…I guess I want to average…

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      Can you believe I drew that jumper and wig on Jack myself? Yep. Not one lesson. :)

      Thanks for the nice compliment, Giraffe! I think we live in the same area as my nickname was Ostrich! Which makes absolutely no sense because I rarely kick people in the face or hide my head in the sand. I can run pretty fast though.

  15. Sandra Slavec

    As an average height person of 5’6′ I always wanted to be taller. Still do. Funny how tall people wish they were ‘normal’ or average; the average wish they were taller; small people want to be taller – it’s a funny, crazy mixed up world, another hugely entertaining post. Cheers. Off to strut in my stilettos :)

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      Stop bragging, you! Stilettos. I guess the grass is always greener and someone’s shoes are always more comfortable or just cuter. I’m willing to bet that yours are way cuter than mine. I am curious though…why did you want to be taller? For what reason would a perfectly average-sized person want to be taller? Did you have a need to reach something that was just always out of reach and, because you aren’t short, you had no minions to fetch this item for you? Did someone sell you on the “tall girls are like models” myth in which boys want all women who are tall with long legs (so not true, unless you are actually a Victoria Secret or Sport’s Illustrated model – and then, it is true from what I hear)? Can’t wait to hear the skinny from an average-height woman!

      • Sandra Slavec

        You might be right about being sold on the idea that tall girls are like models, but even so, I still find tallness very sexy & attractive. Come on, don’t you just love towering over us ordinary peeps? Lording it all over us mere mortals in your rarified atmosphere :) I tell you being tall comes in very useful when going to gigs and concerts – I’ve spent many hours on tip toes, craning my neck to check out what’s happening on stage all in vain because a bunch of tall guys in front are obscuring my view. And contrary to your minion666 idea, no one ever took pity on me and hoisted me up on their shoulders, so I could have a good view, lol.

  16. adydelito2012

    As a 6’1 43 y.o. Spaniard (they come bigger now, but for a guy my age that’s very tall) I’ve always been the tall guy around… and I totally understand you. I’ve no problems with clothes now, but I did as a kid (and being the youngest and tallest of four kids was a nightmare for my mother as i couldn’t use my older brothers’ clothes). And I absolutely hate being the minion of old ladies. I remember one of them once asked me to pick up a packet of flour from the top shelf, i did so and then she asked me to give her one that looked cleaner… “No, I won’t. I guess you want it for a recipe, not to give it as a gift” I answered and left… I felt great!

    by the way: I love your blog!

  17. Jumping in Mud Puddles

    You crack me up. Two things- Jesus and his three children, and then the pix of Tom Cruise’s shoes. Too funny. I always enjoyed being short. My bff was tall and skinny and then wore spiky heels. I was short and skinny and wore earth shoes. Sad, really. People called us Frick and Frack. I don’t know why. I guess we looked stupid…lol

  18. millodello

    There is height and there is stature. You are lucky if you have just one of these qualities. The presence of one can always mask the lack of the other. If you have both it will never matter how tall you are and if you have neither then likely neither matters to you. That said a red flag will always be a red flag to a bull regardlees of his size.

  19. Erin Cooper

    Reblogged this on Erin Flew the Coop and commented:
    It’s like reading a page out of my diary. You know, if I were this funny. Every time a short person tells me how lucky I am to be tall, I’ll just keep this in the back of my mind. And smirk down at them.

  20. Laura

    I just finished this (started a couple days ago)…. it was really such a wonderful read! I love your observations, descriptions, and the illustrations. Man, I can totally relate to so much of this–I also went to Catholic school; agree with the various shortie syndromes (a tall girlfriend and I used to trade stories about getting hit on by short, hairy, ‘ethnic’ men who, for unknown reasons, found us more of a challenge than a threat). I don’t mean to gratuitously point the finger at myself, but here is an illustration of how I remember myself in those middle school years, partly, and just because I think you’ll be able to relate!! (scroll to the bottom of the post) http://liveclay.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/we-interrupt-this-trip-to-haiti-for-a-rant/
    Writing that post reminded me of another tall-girl-peril: Expected to be a good basketball player (or athlete of any sort)… because you’re tall!! woa be the lady whose tallness is tarnished by gangly lack of coordination, aggressiveness, competitiveness (on the court, anyway).!! I’m sure the stories could go on and on (and maybe they will… hopefully!) but meanwhile, keep up the great writing. I look forward to seeing more in my inbox. Now, to take my taller-than-average daughter to her high school test…

  21. woodsiegirl

    LOVE this. At 5’9″, I can also totally relate to Ruby’s comment above about being slightly too tall for “average” length trousers, but slightly too short for “tall” – I’ve just got used to having shredded heels on my jeans!

    Would add to your list of disadvantages us tall girls suffer just one item: the “tall girl hunch”. As a teenager, when all of my friends were in the perfectly cute 5′ – 5’5″ range, I stuck out a mile – so got into the habit of hunching my shoulders in a vain attempt to make myself look less freakishly tall. Result: ruined posture for life, and near-permanent back pain. Boo :(

  22. Pingback: You Like Me! You Really Like Me! « Paltry Meanderings of a Taller Than Average Woman
  23. BayouGirl

    First you hate witty people, and now us half-pints? I can’t win for losing. Not only am I 5’1″ and rather small, but I’m also that annoyingly quick-witted person at every dinner party. I don’t enjoy being short, though, in fact, I hate it. *Hatehatehate* it. I bristle when people refer to me as ‘petite’ or ‘cute’, and I have a bad habit of stacking boxes onto chairs to be able to reach items on high shelves (and sometimes allying off of them) to avoid asking my 6’0 husband to get said items for me.

    I, for one, love extra-tall people. My cousin and a woman I went to high school with (two of my three best friends) are 5’11.5″ and 5’10”, respectively, and the third friend is 5’10.5″. A good friend who is a guy is 6’8″ (and he’s actually still growing, almost 8.5). Most of the men I’ve dated have been over 6’3″.

    Nearly all of my tall friends refer to me as an angry little poodle- I only look cute. Just *try* to pet me.

    • cristycarringtonlewis

      Oh, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate short people. I aspire to be you. Who wouldn’t want minions? I’ve always wanted to be considered “cute.” I just think God likes you better, that’s all. May I hand you that jar of mustard? I swear, I won’t try to pet you. :)

  24. Pingback: The short end of the stick « Kitchen Slattern
  25. liberalcynic

    I was always the short kid. I grew into average height quite late. What sucks is to finish up as average while being short all the while—all the jeers and no sympathy.

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  27. Judy Smith

    I know you love me (who doesn’t?) and feel a great deal of misplaced loyalty toward me; therefore, I’m confessing that I’m the same height as dear, departed Davy Jones. Or was, anyway. Several highly-regarded surgeons poking around in the vicinity of my actual spine has resulted in a loss of “height,” to the tune of three-quarters of an inch, give or take. So I’m only getting cuter as time goes on. And accumulating minions, one of whom was so kind as to marry me in order to accompany me to any and all locations featuring high shelves. Ah, it’s been an incredibly sweet and privileged life, being the short one and all. Good of you to write such an appreciative blog post about me, my friend! I feel the love …

  28. knittergran

    Just found you today, so this comment is way late. I am older than you, and I was the tallest girl in my high school. I’m 5’10” tall, which doesn’t sound like much today, but back then it was tall. No tall girl clothing shops, and the big and tall shop carried clothes for tall, LARGE people. I weighed 119 lbs. Yes, I was a beauty. (Stand sideways and stick out your tongue and you look like a zipper. nice) Once I was out of high school, however, I loved being tall, and still did, until last week, when the news cited a study revealing that tall women die younger than shorter women. For every 4 inches over 5’1″, a woman has a zillion times greater chance of dying sooner than the 5’1″ women. I can’t think of a cure for this…

    • Miss Snarky Pants

      I’ve suspected that taller women die younger because I’ve been told that the human heart is approximately the same size in all adults. As in dogs, the smaller of the species tend to live longer because a smaller body typically places less stress on the heart. My chiropractor has also assured me that tall people are more likely to suffer from back problems than shorter people. However, I think stress – emotional, financial, romantic, employment – plays just as big of a role. Taller people are, on average, more successful than shorter people, some studies say. Could it be that success also plays into the equation, perhaps exacerbating what is already a problem for us lengthy, lanky people? Since I can’t do anything about my height, short of self-amputation and I think we can all agree that’s a tad drastic, I try to work on the things I can. De-stress. Exercise. Avoid drama. Eat well – this last one hasn’t worked out so well for me as I seemed to have developed food poisoning after juicing last week. Since I’m methodical about cleaning and/or peeling my veggies and fruits before I juice, we think the likely culprit was some kind of pathogen within one of the veggies. The point is, no matter what you do, life is a luxury that is…well, a luxury. We can’t control its length, despite trying. So glad you’re enjoying the blog. Are you still living in Sarasota?

  29. Mimi

    That was a funny read but I just want to clarify that Britney Spears is not “shorter than average.” 5’4 is in fact the average height of women, therefore being 5’4 or around that height is indeed normal if you’re a woman.

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